Parent problems about college

Applying to College
1

I want to go to college I don’t want to be a bum when I grow up. However, I am not aloud to go to the college I want. I have a week before I graduate high school and all the colleges I got accepted too are at least 4 hours away and one 2 hours away. I have my heart set on the one 4 hours away. My parents say it’s either the college 2 hours away or community college because, they don’t want to make the 4 hour drive. I don’t know what to do. I really hate the school that I am being forced to go too. I am embarrassed to go to that school and I feel like no one understands that I want to be myself and do what I want to do where I want to do it. I told my parents that I’ll go to the school I hate because I am tired of fighting with them. My parents will let me transfer out within a year but I just don’t want to go to the school I hate at all. I hate it so much and to get back at my parents for making me go to school somewhere I don’t want to go. I am going to join the military. I have always wanted to join the military but my parents have always said no. I want to be a pilot in the Air Force and they won’t let me. They won’t let me do anything so if I have to give up a school I really want to go too then I will join the military.

What do you think I should do? Is my idea a good idea because I want to be in the Air Force and they are not going to take that away from me. They can take 4 years of my life away but not all of my life. The messed up part is that they let my brother and sister do whatever they want whenever they want because they are older than me. They want me to do what they want because I am the youngest child.

2

This is not a good reason to join the military, but if you are interested in the Air Force you might want to meet with a recruiter to learn more about it. Do any of the colleges that accepted you offer ROTC in college?

3
  1. Unless your under 18, your parents have no control over what you do ... you just have to figure out how to support yourself on your own, period, you do that and your independent and they'll just have to deal with it. You live on my dime though, then I as the paying parent get a say, period.
  2. If you really want the military ... you should have gotten yourself accepted to one of the Service Academies then they'd have no say and you'd be on your way ... but, it won't really matter where you go to school at the end of the day if your going to join up (look to see if the schools you have as options, including the one you don't want to go to, have ROTC programs - if they do and you can get a scholarship you can again get out from under your parents control by finance). Hopefully you have some experience with military ... if not, you really won't know if its for you until you get into it ... also before thinking you can just sign up & be a pilot, you might want to look at that path carefully - its not as easy as you think to be Pilot Qualified ... you can be disqualified for various reasons.
  3. As to your central goal of going to the school 4 hrs. away ... if I were your paying parent you'd need to put the case together for why its the better choice regardless of the additional drive time for me ... does it have a better reputation (both nationally and for your major), better faculty?, better student to faculty ratios, etc., what about the financing of it is the one further away less expensive? what about the graduation rates, the rates of graduates getting jobs - is the one you want better, etc., etc., and, maybe more importantly for your parents explain that if really "My parents will let me transfer out within a year but I just don't want to go to the school I hate at all." then explain to them respectfully that that is the dumbest position to take ... your freshman year will be important in making connections with friends and faculty to develop and carry through in helping direct your academic pursuits .... you come in as a sophomore transfer and you may be on the outside and behind the 8 ball (this of course depends on the type of school your looking at and the major you are considering ... medium to small school STEM major, you could be in trouble by not starting and staying at a school ...)
  4. If your school choice is a party school choice and your begging for the "4 year experience" on your parents dime ... anything you say will (and should) fall on deaf ears.

Hope you find your way - regardless of anything else have respect and care for your parents, no matter what you decide to do in the end! They have no doubt made countless sacrifices for your benefit to date.

4

Hi. It’s really clear that you’re upset, so I’m sorry about that.

Good for you that you are motivated to make something of your life. You are right, it’s your life, no one else’s and you are responsible for your own decisions. Are your parents helping you pay for college (including consigning on any loans)? If they are, now you aren’t doing this just on your own, and they get to have some say in where you are going because they are financially contributing.

We don’t know your parents so we don’t know if they are generally good and loving, and you’re just lashing out at them because they let you have false expectations, or whether they are truly problematic. I mention false expectations only because you applied to the school they won’t let you go to. Did they know you applied? Did they let you know they didn’t approve of a school so far away? Did maybe something happen between the time you applied and now that would give them a reason to worry about your being so far away?

Your post only gives your side of the story, so we are left to guess about some things. And I think you were so upset at the time you wrote this post, that you didn’t come across as your best self. For one thing, it had a number of basic typos, so I’m wondering whether it was just bad typing/autocorrect, or whether it shows that some of your educational foundation needs a boost. If it does, that’s OK and you can get it as long as you work on it. From a parent’s perspective, though, I’d want you to work on it at a less expensive college, or at a college that I thought would give you the personalized attention you need to succeed, and then let you transfer. Your post also came across as immature. I’m not saying this to pick on you. We all get upset at times and don’t sound the best then. But it’s hard to tell if this is an aberration, or if it’s a sign that you need a couple of more years to grow emotionally and learn how to handle life’s many bumps. And this is OK too if this is the case. We are all constantly learning on how to improve ourselves and working on ourselves, and we all do this at a different pace. But if this is the case, I could see why your parents would want you to maybe go to community college first so you have time to get more skills and emotional tools before going so far away to college. As parents, college is a scary time for us. We know you are going to be faced with many choices about drugs, sex, cheating or other pressures, and that a poor decision can really adversely impact the rest of your life. Sure, you faced those decisions while you were in HS too, but in college you are living there and are surrounded by your school environment 24/7 so the pressure is higher; also when you are in HS you live at home so your parents can see you every night and they feel that they can see whether or not you are OK. So maybe part of what’s going on is you need to make your parents feel that you have the emotional tools to handle the pressures you will be facing at a live-away college.

On the other hand, sometimes kids do have bad parents. We can’t tell. If that’s the case, then I’m truly very sorry, and it is important to have a game plan for becoming financially independent as soon as possible. I’ve seen several posts on the CC board where parents have given out some great advice to kids on how to achieve financial independence from bad parents. The military is one way. Getting merit scholarships is another (but you can’t have taken post HS college courses yet).

5

I had a similar situation: I desperately wanted to go to school across the country but instead went to a college an hour away from home. (On the other hand, I had a legitimately abusive family and was ecstatic to get away at all.) I’m absolutely in love with my current college.

Regardless of what college you go to, you’re going to get back what you put into it. If you go into college hating it, you’ll hate your time. If you refuse to let things out of your control affect your experience, you’ll have a good time.

On joining the military: I’m sorry? Your response to being told what to do is to… join the military? You do realize you will constantly be told what to do, correct? And short of having a degree and 20/20 vision, your chances of being a pilot are almost non-existent. If you do choose to join the military and are told you can become a pilot, make sure to get that in writing from your recruiter. It may be an old wives tale, but I’ve heard horror stories about kids being lied to.

My Dad did what you’re planning on doing. When he turned 18, he joined the navy and got on a sub. Luckily, things worked out for him. However, he still tells stories about boot camp. The navy paid for his education so he could be a technician on a sub, and he had 20 hours of mandatory studying a week on top of training and class.
The people you hear about joining the military and becoming successful went in with a college degree: My dad was in the navy for years, worked extremely hard, and never got the recognition that people with degrees got in their first years.

Joining the military without a degree because you don’t want to be told what to do is possibly the singular worst decision you could possibly make. You will constantly be told what to do, and you’ll be too late to go to college this year if you join the army instead.
If you truly want to be a pilot, get a degree- any degree- first. If you really, really don’t want to go where you’re going, transfer out after a year. You can do anything for a year.

Next, consider the costs of attending a university 4 hours away. It’s still driving distance, so you’ll be transporting your belonging by car. However, if you forget something at home? You don’t have it. If you need to go home because a family member is sick? You’ll have an 8 hour round trip journey, and your schoolwork will suffer.
I got a concussion my freshman year: I fell off my bike, broke my nose, the whole shebang. I immediately called my Mom, and was at the emergency room at 11pm a few hours later. If you get hurt? If you make mistakes? If you need help, or a place to stay because of a bad roommate, or just to see familiar faces again because you’re homesick?
You’ll want to be close to home.

(I don’t know, because I don’t know the full story: It sounds like you’re giving your parents the ultimatum of “let me go where I want or I’ll join the army, putting myself in danger and causing you constant worry and stress”, or “Let me do what I want or I’ll kill myself”. If that’s true, it’s an incredibly cruel and manipulative thing to do.)

6

My brother was a career Air Force officer before becoming a college professor, so I understand a little about the type of recruits he hoped to get. He wanted mature adults who wanted a career in the military. Mature adults don’t throw tantrums or do things out of spite. Please don’t join the military until you mature enough to be able to handle the responsibility.

Perhaps your parents want you to wait a year before transferring to the school 4 hours away to give you time to grow up a little. What state are you in and what 2 schools are you considering? Transfers don’t get much aid so if you got a good financial aid package from the school that’s farther away, you’re better off taking a gap year and enrolling next year. You could spend this year working. That would probably be helpful for you in many ways.

You don’t have to join the military to be a pilot, you know. There are civilian pilot training programs. The son of a friend of mine is in one. If you really want to fly, research programs and start saving money to enroll in one.

7

@milmil “The people you hear about joining the military and becoming successful went in with a college degree: My dad was in the navy for years, worked extremely hard, and never got the recognition that people with degrees got in their first years.”

Not true. I am pro-military, especially for kids who don’t enjoy school and can’t see themselves in a classroom for another four years. There are also those who can’t afford college. There are multitudes of reasons to join the military. My son joined because he didn’t want to go to college, there are no decent jobs where we live, and I pretty much flung him from the nest lol.

He joined the USAF. He got the highest ASVAB score in our area the year he took it so his options were unlimited. My phone rang off the hook for months, recruiting was crazy. Fast forward 8 years, he discharged and he is now a systems engineer for a well-known contracting defense company in the DC area. He had offers up to $150K/year on the East Coast. He is two semesters from his Bachelors degree which in the end will cost him ZERO. BUT, we are very aware it could have cost him his life.

And while boot camp was not fun, he didn’t find it as bad as the horror stories we hear. The kids who had a hard time are the ones who had helicopter parents, moms who made their bed and lunch in high school, and those who just generally hadn’t had much discipline or responsibility. Most of them made it through.

8

Would they let you go to the one 4 hours away if you found someone else, such as a sibling or cousin, to drive you there?

9

I mean if you get a 4 year ROTC scholarship you will get the tuition paid for and a stipend so you can give no cares about what your parents think.

Otherwise, they are the ones footing the bill and you should respect their opinion.

10

If you really want to join the Air Force and that’s been a goal of yours, then by all means go meet with a recruiter. Your parents cannot stop you from joining the Air Force if you’re over 18. If, on the other hand, you are just trying to get back at them, you won’t do anyone any favors by joining the military.

As for your college, if your parents are paying the bills, they can dictate where you go. They can’t make you attend the school you don’t want to go to, but they can refuse to pay for the school you do want to attend.

Do you think the real issue is them not wanting to make the 4 hour drive? If that’s their only objection, you should find another way to get there and let them know you won’t need a ride. I suspect that’s not the only reason, though. If the college you don’t like is the only one your parents will pay for, your choice is to go there or not to attend college yet. If it were me, I’d go to that college and learn to love it. You can find good things about every school. Focus on the good and you may surprise yourself and like it there.

11

Does the college you hate have ROTC? That would be a good chance to get a feel for the military. You aren’t committed to the military until after sophomore year.

I know you’re disappointed but you now know your choices. Don’t make a foolish choice out of anger.

12

If you think that your parents are inflexible, then you might not be any happier in the military. I think that if you join the military you might learn a valuable lesson, but it will be a painful one that you will likely be stuck with for a while.

13

Right now you sound angry and hurt. Don’t make rash decisions. I suggest you take a gap year, as others have said, but check that your college will let you enroll next year.

You can join the military if you are 18, and your parents can’t stop you. Be sure you can handle,the consequences of that action before you put your name on the dotted line. I have to wonder why your parents let you apply to the colleges that were further away. It seems unfair, but if they won’t budge and they are paying, there isn’t much you can do but accept it. Maybe your parents will let you make a deal. If you get excellent grades, you can save money this summer and next summer, buy and car, and transfer to the college you prefer. Or, contact your preferred college. See if they will let you defer for a year. Work and save for a car, then the driving burden isn’t on them.

If you do go to the college you don’t like, get the most out of it. Do well. Meet people, get involved. Nothing will be gained, and in fact you will ruin your chances, if you fail to get decent grades. Life isn’t always fair. You have to make lemonade out of lemons.

14

If you want to be a military pilot, I hope you’re very short because I believe that’s a requirement.

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@NEPatsGirl All I can do is speak from my own experience. I totally agree that the military is the right choice for some people, and getting a degree first is in no way a requirement for success, /if/ you’re already capable of that kind of success. By your own account, your son wasn’t average: he was excellent. However, starting off with a degree makes being a career in the military much easier by my parents’ account, and if you aren’t excellent, getting that extra step up might help. I can see where my comments might have come across as anti-military, though, sorry! It’s a great option if you have the dedication and drive. Maybe not if you treat it like an escape fantasy.

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  1. Is not wanting for you to go to the 4 hour away college really about the drive or is it about the cost or something else?
    My daughter’s college was about that far away and we dropped her off freshman year and picked her up at the end of it and in between she found rides home. Would that work for your parents?

  2. Some people do join the military to escape from their parent’s influence…but you have to be ready to be told what to do by others. Also if you serve enough you can earn money for college and go where you want.

  3. Do any of the colleges have ROTC?