Parent says in-state colleges only... need advice

Parents Forum
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<p>Yesterday evening, my dad was watching the weather channel, and called over to me that it was "like 0 degrees in New York. Now why the heck would you want to go to college there?" </p>

<p>I said that my education was more important than whether I was cold or not, and that Columbia and NYU had the best programs for me. </p>

<p>Well, the discussion got pretty heated, and he said that he wouldn't even let me apply to any schools outside of California. He wants me to be "close to the family" (even though i have tons of family in New York). He doesn't realize he's shortchanging my education just to be close to me. </p>

<p>From all the research I've done, Columbia and NYU have the best programs for me, and I would get a wonderful education if I went there. </p>

<p>Is there any way I can convince my dad to let me go to, or even just apply to, these schools? (If I can get in first)</p>

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<p>Twinkle_Toes, I sent you a private message...</p>

<p>ezduzzit</p>

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<p>Twinkle, my daughter is a CA girl headed to Columbia. I do understand how painful this seems to your Dad, but hopefully if he reads posts on sites like these he can see how common it is for kids to head accross Country. Try to talk to him about the fact that we live in a global world and it's very important for the ambitious to have seen and lives as many experiences as possible. Show him the breakdown of all the States and Countries represented at these schools. Talk him through this, Good luck.</p>

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<p>I am sorry that happened. It is hard for parents to let kids go, when they have been such a pleasure to have around. I will tell you that in my generation, I knew many kids who forbidden to go California for college because of the hippies. My close friend who is a graphic designer said that her California schools tour was abruptly aborted when they pulled into an arts college that was just letting classes out. Her dad nearly had a coronary when he saw that crowd. She knew what her chances of going there would be! So things were that way then too. Sometimes it is better to answer something like that with a hug, agreement that the weather in CA is so much better along with present company that you are going to miss so much, and leave it at that.</p>

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<p>I was once in your hoes and can understand. I choose to come to USA for grad degree. I sat with my dad and worked this out. We are talking about moving 10,000 miles. So sit with your dad and explain to him that how much you love him. Explain that by going to these school that is far away does not mean you have stop caring for him. Explain to him that if he insists on not letting you choose will result in a friction between you. This action will cause an irreparable harm in your relation ship with him. And this action is not worth any money. However, on other hand, if he is worried about money. Then ask him that you will apply to Columbia, NYU and your local state universities. You will wait for admission decisions and will take into consideration the financial obligations by the parents. Then with a level head you will make a decision. Ask the help from your mom or sibling in this matter.</p>

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<p>Twinkletoes, the next time you find yourself in a <em>discussion</em> with your dad on where you will go to college, walk over to him, wrap your arms around his shoulders, and say, "Dad, I'm gonna miss you, too." And, leave it at that. That's what it is all about, Dear. It's your dad's way of saying that you will be missed and that he'll be worrying about you during the cold winter months in NY. That's all it is, and it has nothing to do with shortchanging you on your education. </p>

<p>You'll be amazed at how much attitudes will change over the next few months. Give him some time, and be patient. He'll come around, and you'll both be over-the-top relieved and happy when the final decision is made. But, it's not worth arguing about right now. :::slugghuggs with a cute, stripey scarf that I saw downtown yesterday:::</p>

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<p>It is hard to be a parent. Sometimes it is hard to let go of a child. There may be other thoughts: NYC is too scary, or the cost will be too great. It might be a lingering concern that you will need help and he won't be there for you. Maybe he had a vision of visiting you at "Capital College" in your state or a million other things. Or he could be worried that you will get homesick.</p>

<p>You may also consider why you are fixed on two very different schools whose location seems to be the greatest commonality. They are great schools and each does have a unique offerring but there are lots of schools around the country that offer programs similar to NYU and Columbia. It would be hard to pick a major at either of those schools that couldn't be found in the mid-west, south or West Coast.</p>

<p>I sense you are a junior, perhaps you can convince your dad to do a road trip where you balance schools that are close with schools that are further away. You may also want to have him speak with the parents of a student who is at NYU or Columbia.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I understand that he is doing this just because he will miss me, not to "ruin my life" in a sense. I will try some of your suggestions. But some things I neglected to mention: he does not believe the stereotypes typically associated with NYC. He has lived in Manhatten until I was four years old (all his life, in effect). He knows the area, and I have tons of family there, so it wouldn't be like I would be all alone in an enormous city. </p>

<p>Also, this isn't masking any financial concerns. Without going into detail, money has never been an issue for our family. His dream is for me to go to Stanford (which is quite pricey). </p>

<p>But I will definitely use some of the suggestions. I really REALLY appreciate all your advice.</p>

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<p>Whether you go to Stanford or NYU, the actual distance is not central to your dad's goal to have you remain "close" to the family (ie him). You'll remain "close" if the two of you maintain a loving and respectful relationship. Barring you from Manhattan is not respectful to the tenth degree. </p>

<p>I went against my parent's wishes--well their subsequent wishes. Initially, they surprised me by saying I could go "anywhere". Then, when Megabucks Private U took me off their waitlist in August, my parents renegged their offer. </p>

<p>Wisely, I pulled in my dad's mother, Bessie. Bessie gave her boy a good talkin'-to and I was allowed to go--IF I could find my own ride and survive the first months with little to no wardrobe. Loved every minute. Love my dad and we're as close as could be--given that he's an ardent fan of Rush Limbaugh. Ugh.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, a same age friend had parents who refused to let her go to Megabucks U, even when she agreed to take out loans to finance the whole thing. (Loans she could have repaid 10 times over as it turns out). </p>

<p>For whatever reason, she took their restricitons as the law of the land and went to State U--with simmering resentment. She is not "close" to her father and still resents his decision--especially since he financed a Megabucks degree for himself. To top it off, her younger sis ignored the father's restrictions and went to a Megabucks U anyway.</p>

<p>Lesson: Get your Gramma or Aunts and Uncles or the 101st Calvary to help you persuade your dad...</p>

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<p>I hope you are able to resolve your college choices with your family. Just curious....what field are you considering studying that NYU and Columbia have the best programs? There are some wonderful colleges in CA and I'm wondering what programs can't be matched there.</p>

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<p>thumper, i'm planning on majoring in communications</p>

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<p>Many parents want their S/D to be within "_" hours drive (emphasis on drive, not fly) from home. Somehow, this makes them feel more in control of contact with their beloved. When your dad is in a receptive mood, chat with him about how it can sometimes be less hassle to fly across country than drive a long way within state. That is how I am looking at it re my S. We lived in Cal for many years, now on East Coast. S applied in NY, Pa, New Orleans and CA. In many ways, I see flying to NO or Ca as less hassle and more fun for us than slogging by car to Pa.
Good luck and as others have said, give it time. Oftentime, parents as well as kids, need time to adjust, noodle new ideas around in their heads.</p>

<p>What part of Ca. do you live?</p>

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<p>Twinkle:</p>

<p>I've posted the story of my friend before, but here it is again. Her parents (from LA) very reluctantly allowed her to go to SF for college,feeling it was too far. though obviously, not far enough!. EVERY weekend, her dad would fly up to see her, thus ruining her social life. As soon as she graduated from college, she decamped to Europe. That put paid to the weekly parental visits.</p>

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<p>Funny story, marite... I've got my own story. A friend of mine's dad would pay for his college education ONLY if he went to school out of state. The dad wasn't trying to get rid of him, but wanted to be sure that his son was exposed to a different environment than what he was used to.</p>

<p>My kids both chose distant schools despite having some excellent local and in-state options. It made transportation and visits more difficult, but served to give both exposure to communities and cultures very different than what they grew up with. That's a good thing in most cases.</p>

<p>Conversely, I've seen many kids who went to colleges within easy driving distance from home who never made the big transition. They came home often for weekends, hung out with their HS friends, brought their laundry home...</p>

<p>One's undergraduate years are a special time - they are typically the first extended period where the student will have total responsibility for himself/herself. Getting up, getting to class, doing the work, making choices about drinking, drugs, etc., taking care of oneself when ill... Putting ample distance between the student and parents ensures that the student will handle this transition and develop those life skills.</p>

<p>While sometimes there may be a persuasive program to go close to home (great scholarship, unique program, etc.), I'd highly recommend students get at least a couple of hundred miles away if possible.</p>

<p>Note that finances could be an issue that is on your dad's mind. CU and NYU are costly schools, and your in-state deals may be substantially lower cost.</p>

<p>Possible reading for your dad: "Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years". It's a funny book, but has a huge amount of sensible advice for parents who are experiencing separation anxiety.</p>

<p>Ultimately, it's my belief that the college choice is the kid's decision. The parent should let the student know what the financial limitations are, and that choosing a more expensive school might mean making up the difference in loans. The parent can also provide advice and share wisdom accumulated in the real world. At the end of the day, though, it's the kid who will live with the decision for the rest of his/her life.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>P.S. Don't get too heavily invested emotionally in one or two ultra-selective schools. Because of the huge number of applicants and the small number of spaces, even students with near-perfect stats and great resumes get rejected. Fall in love after you get you acceptance letter. :)</p>

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<p>I went to college thousands of miles from home. My S will be attending college only 15 minutes' walk for his! I do not expect him to come home every weekend, or to parachute into his dorm regularly, either.</p>

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<p>Ah Marite, glad you spoke up. I was going to say something too :). Each of our sons happen to fall into that category Roger mentioned, where the unique fit of the college that happens to be right around the corner mandates, basically, staying close to home. </p>

<p>I wrote last year that in our part of the world, the avenue that borders campus, known as El Camino Real, is considered the border which local parents are not allowed to cross. Similarly, students are so busy on campus that I am not aware of any that come home any more often than distant students. Laundry facilities, as I wrote on another thread, happen to be superior at the school. (Plus who hasn't experienced the camaraderie of the laundry room???) Granted, right after vacations I have been able to DRIVE the forgotten items to the dorm rather than Fedex-ing them, but other than that, I don't see a difference. They end up traveling or working far from home during the summers (my son will be on the opposite coast), and going abroad, and making friends from all over and then traveling to see those friends. </p>

<p>I wholeheartedly agree that a student should go to school where they want to go to school. By the same token, though, I can't see that it is any more appropriate for a parent to tell a child to leave the immediate area for college, than it is to prohibit them from leaving.</p>

<p>I too went to school thousands of miles from home. By the time I was ready for grad school, I applied to two schools, both of which were less than an hour's drive from home....And I loved being close to my parents again! I probably only saw them once a month or so, but being able to go home, see them, my cats(!) on a regular basis, was wonderful, and it was also wonderful to be able to invite my friends to come with me for Thanksgiving, etc.</p>

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<p>We are west coasters, my daughters want to do east coast, dad is a little nervous as he feels it will be lonesome....he talks about berkekly or stanford as well...I said we have two border collies, we will be fine....</p>

<p>I hope they do what they want, I would be a little jealous!!! If my kids stay on the west coast, they will defienately be on campus....we want to visit!!! Their career passions are in big cities, they "need" to be on a coast, they "need" to be in a big city.......so......</p>

<p>I am sure I will cry when the time comes.....and demand they email or IM alot....hug him, don't fight, and tell him with all those relatives, he is welcome anytime.....</p>

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<p>Twinkle_Toes - if you don't remember you pm'd me a while ago and we go to the same school so just a little advise from a fellow classmate. my dad was also obsessing with stanford and USC..wanted me to stay at home and such. I told my dad that i was interested in notre dame and he intially was opposed to the idea, so i told him we are going on a trip out to South Bend and visiting it. So long story short, we went out and visited ND and he fell in love with it more than i did, and now he really wants me to go there and there is no problemo. </p>

<p>If you are near the top of your class at our school- your oppurtunities are endless. We are lucky to go to a very well-respected school. Just go get the solid SAT score and you can get in anywhere you want. I'm sure if you express enough interest in any particular college, your dad will go with your wishes.</p>

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<p>I was in the same situation when I was looking for schools. My parents wanted me to stay close to home, and my list consists of schools all within about 3~4 hour's drive of home. Granted, I live in NC, so I've got Duke, etc. to choose from, all great schools, but I thought Brown would be a fantastic school for me. "Up north," fantastic academics absent of any rigid curriculum, and a diverse student body...sigh. Well, we talked it over several times, and basically I figured out that I was going to be missed too much (plus my dad complained about how hard it was going to be to get me there/home again.) Also, they didn't really feel it was safe, both physically and mentally, for a 18-year-old coming from a smaller town to go right into city life...they felt another four years to mature might be a better idea.</p>

<p>We struck a deal - close to home for undergrad, anywhere for grad school. I don't know exactly what career I want to pursue, so that may be a better idea anyway. While I'm going to miss my best friend who is matriculating to Brown in the fall and wish I were him somewhat, I know that I can still get a good education here with the many good LACs to choose from. :)</p>

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<p>I wish parents would just let their kids follow their hearts :(. If for no other reason, so the kids can't blame them for everything that goes wrong. But for the better reason that we do not own you guys--we just brought you into the world and did the best we could to equip you to follow your dreams. I hope things work out for you.</p>