<p>My H has especially strong feelings about our kids attending college out of state, outside of the bubble where they've been raised. He doesn't insist upon it but strongly encourages it. It hasn't been a problem, as they're all eager to spread their wings in the "real" world.</p>
<p>TwinkleToes...wow, you're the second of that name that I've talked to on this board...of <em>course</em> your Dad will miss you. I miss my D and she's 3,000 miles away, give or take. But ask him why he spent so much care in bringing you up and making sure that you got a good education if he didn't want you to maximize your potential as an independent human being?</p>
<p>Kissy, my "rule" would have been "no college within 200 miles," though D nearly applied to one only 50 miles away as a Safety. The kids need to feel that they're "on their own," imo. I don't want to see laundry coming home except twice a year and I'm sure that students can breathe easier knowing that their parents aren't going to pop up too conveniently...or incoveniently, as the case may be.</p>
<p>The Dad,</p>
<p>More parallels: We said "not within 300 miles." Because of the bubble, and how much we want her to expand her horizons, and all the normal reasons. D balked at first, but saw our point. She is now really excited about going across the country.</p>
<p>The other night before going to sleep we were talking about my D leaving, how we only have a few months left as an "intact" family... and my husband and I both began to cry-- it was so sad, so no-way-out sad, we had to stop thinking about it in order to calm down!!</p>
<p>But we would not change our policy; we know it is the best thing for her.</p>
<p>Twinkletoes, has there been any movement on your parents' part?</p>
<p>And for a different perspective...</p>
<p>My D's dream school was Stanford...until...it came time to actually apply. By fall of her senior year, she was not so interested in going that far from home. Conversely, we parents, recognizing reality, were not so opposed. </p>
<p>This transition takes time. Our kids are sooo looking forward, while we parents are looking backwards, only to see that our little ones have grown up (or must grow up). That may be why HS graduation is a happy/sad time for some parents. </p>
<p>Twinkle, your dad does know what's going on. Give him a chance. And yourself.</p>
<p>Please don't neglect having a near by or in-state option on your list even if you are determined to go away. I saw too many transfer applications in the past from students who thought they wanted to be far away & realized (one year later) that they did not.</p>
<p>irishbird, don't you think if an 18 year old has separation anxiety, the idea would be to help them through it?</p>
<p>SBMom, it was the same here: sad but a good thing. I'll confess that I was something of a puddle at the end of drop-off. Otoh, I had never understood how great it is to have your kid <em>come home</em> again...which they can't do in the same way unless they're really away. I went to school an hour's drive from home for a number of very pragmatic reasons and in retrospect I can see that I was in the wrong school in the wrong major.</p>
<p>kirmum - agree, as usual. </p>
<p>Story #1: friend of mine's D went to school in Balto, stayed <1 semester and came home. Friend told me she learned "you cannot take a child (sic) out of [our small town] and send them to a big city." Me left thinking -you mean all kids from our town can go ONLY to schools in towns of <8000?</p>
<p>Story #2: friend of mine's S went to school 2000+ mi. away. Over restaurant dinner w parents during move-in week, S begged them not to "make him stay." He hated it there, would never find friends, etc. My friend told him "Your job is to go back to your dorm and make it through one night. Each night you succeed will make it easier for the next night." Of course, he made it through the crisis.</p>
<p>You can guess who I think is full of wisdom.</p>
<p>Kirmum: I don't think it was separation anxiety in most cases. Usually the students had done well at their previous college, but desired to return to a school closer to home...frequently they were still applying as residential students. I never asked for specifics, but learned things through conversation when they came in to register for classes.
Most said they "felt too far from home", or didn't like the area it was located as much as they thought - this from kids coming from southern schools back up to the Northeast. Othertimes it was for pursuing a different major. But I felt that alot of it was also focussed on the cost and/or hassle of traveling back & forth to their college..not with regard to wanting to visit home because of homesickness, but being able to afford to come home for Thanksgiving or Spring Break or not, & the overall cost of returning each semester.</p>
<p>I have seen a number of kids come home after a term, and IMHO, it usually suggests a not well adjusted child. It changed my life to get out of my very small world and go across Country to college. I certainly couldn't afford to go home for many breaks, but the good part is that I had amazing opportunities to go home with others who lived closer and get to know some families that are still important in my life.</p>
<p>Sometimes the problem can be the parents as much as the kids. One of my friends in college had a mother who called daily and sobbed about how much she missed her! Her mother was a single mom and she was always torn between feeling a responsibility to go home breaks and summers and do the things she really wanted to do.</p>
<p>But it is often the kids. Many have not spent much time away from home prior to college or are just more clingy by nature. Again, IMHO, these kids need to be worked with to gain independence and confidence.</p>
<p>I think there is something to what Irishbird is saying, especially for kids who are going cross country with a "hard commute". My daughter is still very excited, and is quite independent, with experience being away from home. But, she is getting a little sobered, realizing she most likely won't be able/want to come home for T'giving, because 3 days at home is not worth 2 long travel days, and spring break is about 10 days, it remains to be seen whether she will be able to come home then, or if she have some other place to stay - the uncertainty is a little unsettling, but it is all about growing up.</p>
<p>kirmum, I agree.</p>
<p>A few friends of ours have had kids who came back after a semester... I told them (and only half jokingly) "You aren't mean enough!"</p>
<p>A psychotherapist friend of ours said that supporting a kid's desire to stay nearby <em>can</em> be misinterpereted, by the kid, as a "vote of no confidence" in the kid's ability to make it on his own. Tricky!</p>
<p>I have 3 kids who are very different. My eldest was the type of kid who, even at 5-6 years old, would fearfully hang onto my leg for the first 30 minutes of a <em>birthday party</em> of all kids she knew and liked. Then she'd warm up and have fun. My husband even walked her in to school on her first day of 8th grade (because she was taking a language class at the HS level and was petrified.) By day 2 she was fine.</p>
<p>I figure the transition to college will be much like the others-- she'll be fine after initial adjustment-- and I want to model my absolute confidence in her.</p>
<p>My sons don't concern me as much because they have been filled with confidence all their lives. If one of them wanted a close-ish UC for a good reason I would probably be supportive... but I would still urge them to consider a different part of the country and would still prefer it as a broadening experience.</p>
<p>BTW the funny story about her first day in 8th grade, at the HS-- My H walked her to her class because she was nervous. We kept telling her it would be fine, she'd be the same age as these kids in another year; it was no big deal.... He later related to me that as they went in the door of the building they had to pass a couple (him: huge, bearded; her: barely clad) who were pressed up against the wall making out furiously... So we got a little wake up call about the differences between Jr H & HS-- LOL!</p>
<p>Funny SBmom, my oldest of 4 sounds like your oldest. He never wanted to venture far from home and I kick myself now for not pushing him. He's now in San Diego (we're in LA) asking why I did not "send" him back East. They have such short memories, I tried. It took him a little longer to grow up and and feel independent, and I realize now I could have helped. Husband to be says I loved having a mama's boy! My other three are off and running because finally, I got it!</p>
<p>If the child can handle it, getting "out of the box" can be very empowering. It's great to experience new people, places, and things. With 3 children, we never traveled much due to the cost, but D is now a confident traveler. D2 wants to skip 10th-12th and go away to college "now." Finding the right fit makes it so much easier.</p>
<p>Archermom, maybe it's an LA girl thing. My daughter is begging to go to boarding school starting in 9th grade. They want college now!</p>
<p>Well it may have been the same anyhow; to some extent I think it is genetic...</p>
<p>But I always call my D my "learner child." :)</p>
<p>"Please don't neglect having a near by or in-state option on your list even if you are determined to go away."</p>
<p>Irishbird: I agree wholeheartedly with you. My DD is very happy 3 hours away at a wonderful school. It worked out the best school for us financially and in all other important respects: athough all the other schools she applied to were thousands of miles away, by the end of the process she was happy to pick the one that was close by. </p>
<p>And no, she doesn't come home with her laundry - and I can only hope to see her at Spring break! But for Thanksgiving AND Christmas breaks she was able to come home, (Something we would not have been able to afford is she had headed off to Minnesota or Maine, which was one of her early plans.) And she is in a "mind-expanding" environment, even if it is only a few hundred miles from home.
She has traveled a lot, and she is comfortable in lots of settings - but to "go far away" just to be far away doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Other aspects of the decision are far more important.</p>
<p>anxiousmom,</p>
<p>Sounds like she had lots of choices and is in a great place. Like I said, it isn't a one-size-fits-all rule...</p>
<p>Yes. (She's at Rice U, and it's a great place.) And at almost all schools there are study-abroad options - so even a kid who goes close to home can spend a year or semester in a truly different environment.)</p>
<p>You guys need to stop being so dogmatic and laying down rules one way or the other. Too close or too far away is only one consideration. If the best athletic/academic school on the planet happens to be in your backyard, and you are invited to be part of that mix, you do not say no because of some misguided rigid notion that somehow you won't grow up if you don't move X miles away. What's the magic number: 300 miles? So is 299 miles too close? Give me a break. </p>
<p>Thedad: I haven't seen laundry at all this year, fyi. My son has been home twice, at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Guess what: he does his own friggin laundry when he's home, just as he does at school.</p>