Parental thoughts on Essay...

<p>I posted in the admisssions forum but I thought I would post here as well. I have written four essays and tossed all of them because they don't sound "right". This is my newest, and I really don't think it is great, but I am tired of these. </p>

<p>Thoughts? Specifically?</p>

<p>Just a little background, I am a female wanted to go into civil engineering and applying to: Syracuse, Northeaster, Smith, Lafayette, Lehigh, Delaware, South Carolina, Maryland, and U of Miami. Have a 28 ACT, 3.94 u/w, 4.5 w, 5/~350.</p>

<p>Thanks!</p>

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<p>My life as far back as I can remember has included traveling and learning about other lands and cultures. Be it the technologically advanced Germans or the impoverished Belizeans, the knowledge of the world and its various personalities has given me a different perspective on life in America. Up until high school, normality was not a term used to describe my education. With a military family, home schooling was the only alternative which would allow for some type of structure and continuity while the locations of our home changed. When my father retired, I was thrown into a world of social cliques, materialistic divisions, and standardized education also known as public high school. For all of my life I had been my own teacher, my own counselor, and my own critic. Fitting in wasn’t a problem, I had the brains for the classroom and the talent for the field but where I struggled was in trying to understand the priorities and expectations of the normal American youth. As a senior now and the leader of various school and community based organizations, I like to think that my background has shaped the person that I have become. For the past few years I have dabbled in a little bit of everything trying to experience all of what high school had to offer and as a way to find out who I really am. I played field hockey as the team captain for a few years, softball with the highest batting average on the team, mentored children in under funded elementary schools, and even competed in a state wide environmental knowledge competition. Although varied and somewhat expansive, through my extracurriculars I have found the areas which I truly enjoy. I have passion for technology and its influence on politics and this has been fostered through my involvement in student council at the school, county, and state level as well as regional technology and programming competitions. During my freshman and sophomore years I held elected class offices and now as a senior I have been elected to represent the entire student body for our county. My position as the student member of my counties board of education has allowed me to voice my ever expanding views and have the amount of influence needed to actually make a difference. As more than just a casual member, I have been able to work with an amazingly bright and imaginative group of our top students, faculty, and elected officials on matters which will make a difference in the lives of countless numbers of individuals. This single role has given me innumerable amounts of public speaking, leadership, and social skills which will follow me wherever I go. As for my technological interest, as a freshman, I was encouraged by a dedicated teacher to enroll into a senior level computer programming course. This single action started a hobby of mine which has opened my eyes to an area which I never thought to explore. I’ve continued with these advanced programming courses and been a member and team leader of a top ranked computer programming team since my freshman year. With these and other activities I realized that I wanted a career having to do with both technology and the social aspect of its impacts. This is how I chose civil engineering, a technical career with endless possibilities in the social and political world. As a seemingly normal girl with so many popular positions, my chosen career path isn’t quite what is expected, but then again, my past isn’t exactly normal either so hopefully my future will work out as well as my past has. </p>

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<p>Not a parent, but maybe you should separate it into paragraphs. It makes me go cross-eyed reading it like this. :)</p>

<p>I agree with the paragraphing.
I also think that you'd greatly improve the essay by concentrating on one thing that you've done. Explore your interests in that and say how that interest has affected your life, and how your actions have affected others.</p>

<p>What you've done in the essay essentially is expand on your resume. Your essay doesn't provide the adcoms with much more info than you've already provided in the rest of your application. The adcoms use the essay to find out about you and your personality, not to get a list of your accomplishments.</p>

<p>I've changed it quite a bit since I originally posted this...gotten rid of the "listing" and focused more on my personality. (the paragraph thing was just from cutting/pasting :) ) </p>

<p>It's in with my english teacher now but in general, she hates me so I'm not sure the types of comments I'll get. </p>

<p>Thanks, and I'll post a new/improved on later this week!</p>

<p>First let me say that you sound like a wonderful applicant with many accomplishments and strengths. </p>

<p>I agree with Northstarmom that your essay reads a bit like a cover letter for a resume. It is covering your entire resume. The purpose of the essay is not to give the same information as on your resume, but to show the reader who you are. You could take ONE of the things in this essay and tell us a story about it. Pick an attribute about yourself, one or two, that you hope to convey by sharing a story or series of anecdotes. The rest of the info. in this essay that you wrote above, make sure to cover on your resume as you have done some very interesting things. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

<p>I've cut it down quite a bit because whenever I went to edit(more like rewrite) I ended up with way over the limit. Plus, so much of what I was saying was just EC stuff and it wasn't that interesting. So, this is what I've come up with:</p>

<p>(oh, and it's 345 words and the prompt says 250-500, is this okay? It seems like most are at or over the 500)</p>

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<pre><code> As far back as I can remember, my life has included traveling and learning about other lands and cultures. Be it the technologically advanced Germans or the impoverished Belizeans, the knowledge of the world and its various personalities has given me a different perspective on life in America. Until high school, normality was not a term used to describe my education. With a military family, home schooling was the only alternative which would allow for some type of structure and continuity while the locations of our home changed. When my father retired, I was thrown into a world of social cliques, materialistic divisions, and standardized education also known as public high school.

For all of my life I had been my own teacher, my own counselor, and my own critic. Fitting in wasn’t a problem, I had the brains for the classroom and the talent for the field but where I struggled was in trying to understand the priorities and expectations of the normal American youth. As a senior now and the leader of various school and community based organizations, I like to think that my background has shaped the person that I have become. For the past few years I have dabbled in a little bit of everything trying to experience all of what high school had to offer and as a way to find out who I really am. Although varied and somewhat expansive, through my extracurriculars I have found the areas which I truly enjoy and have been able to influence my peers with my somewhat eccentric personality. I’ve found that I have a passion for technology and its influence on politics and this is how I chose engineering, a technical career with endless possibilities in the social and political world. As a seemingly normal girl with so many popular positions, my chosen career path isn’t quite what is expected, but then again, my past isn’t exactly normal either so I can only hope that foundations will provide me with ability to succeed in the future as they have in my past.

</code></pre>

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<p>THANKS!!!</p>

<p>Anovice:</p>

<p>You still need specifics, i.e. an anecdote to show, rather than tell. Instead of just saying that you've "dabbled in a little bit of everything," which could be anything from gourmet cooking, oil painting, ice-skating, and a gazillion other things, describe one particular project you've done, one thing you've built that shows your interest in engineering. For example, my S (who is not at all the engineering type) wrote an essay about a plane he'd built for a science competition, which, miraculously, managed to stay aloft when it mattered.</p>