Parents' advice please: Picking a "prestigious college" vs a college that I love?

College Search & Selection
1

<p>I am stuck between two colleges that, in my opinion, couldn't be more different: Barnard College in New York, NY and UC Berkeley in Berkeley, CA.</p>

<p>For my mother, Berkeley is the "right choice" and I admit, probably the best place for someone who wants to go into medical school. In contrast, Barnard is a small, women's only LAC on the other side of the country, but I love the fact that it is in New York City yet maintains an intimate setting. It's my dream to go to Barnard and live in NYC, but my mother feels like I'm selling myself short by doing it. </p>

<p>I see her point. It makes sense to go to a widely-known research university, rather than one that people around here have rarely heard of. Plus, her daughter is going all the way across the country to a big city all by herself. I know she's concerned.</p>

<p>I know she'd much rather prefer I stay in California and do the UCB - Stanford path that most kids from my school take. She would even be happy with USC or UCLA, she says. The one college she is okay with in NYC is Columbia. She says that if I go to NY, she'd like it if I went to the School of Engineering at Columbia, but my real passion is psychobiology.</p>

<p>Parents, current college students, what do you think? Do the "right" thing by picking a highly ranked college (in my mother's mind), or do what I want and go to the college of my dreams? </p>

<p>I know you can't always have what you want, but I need some advice.</p>

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<p>Have you been accepted at these schools?</p>

3

<p>Nope, these are my dream schools. I do plan on applying, and while these certainly aren’t straight matches, I don’t think either college is unreasonably unrealistic.</p>

<p>I think my dilemma is choosing which colleges to consider. I have to begin the college application process and this location issue is a big problem for me, as all of my prospective campuses are located either in NY or CA.</p>

4

<p>Berkeley does not have the best reputation of being a great pre-med school, because [grade</a> inflation](<a href=“http://www.gradeinflation.com/]grade”>http://www.gradeinflation.com/) there is not as great as at some other schools, though fairly typical of well regarded state flagship universities (medical school admissions are heavily GPA and MCAT focused).</p>

5

<p>I don’t know anything specific about Barnard for pre-med, but the people who count – admissions officers at medical schools – certainly have heard of it. And students from good LACs are attractive to graduate schools, because they tend to be educated widely and deeply.</p>

6

<p>Barnard and Berkeley are both excellent schools; to try to parse one as being better than the other makes no sense, and (leaving finances aside) I think the decision between those two comes down to fit. Your personal fit, not your mother’s.</p>

<p>I am not exactly happy to see this:

</p>

<p>It’s not for her to tell you that you should want to be an engineer when that’s not your interest area. That speaks to a blurring of boundaries.</p>

7

<p>The bottom line is that this is your decision; however, you can’t ignore the fact that your parents will be making a significant financial contribution and do have an informed perspective on your life. Perhaps there is a compromise to be found (if you really want a women’s-only LAC but are OK with staying closer to home, check out Scripps; if you really want to be in NYC, apply to Barnard and Columbia and make the decision if you get into both). Nearly any college will provide you with a path to medical school if you wish to take it, and so the most important thing should be how you feel that you fit at whatever schools to which you choose to apply</p>

8

<p>If you have not been accepted at both schools, I would say you are very far off from worrying about it. If you have the ability to pay for Barnard all by yourself after whatever scholarships you secure, you will not have to worry about your mother’s input. You will have the ability to politely tell her that is your decision. </p>

<p>If your parents are going to be supporting you, then you will have to take their input into consideration.</p>

9

<p>You need to sit down with your parents and have the “money talk” about college. Your mom may be in favor of Berkeley and the rest of the CA public system because it is likely to be more affordable. Spend some time learning about the financial aid process. There are lots of smart, well-informed people posting in the Financial Aid Forum who can help you determine how to find out the answers to any questions that you have.</p>

<p>You also should take a look at the Med School forum for ideas about pre-med programs. You can find that forum by returning to the main page for the forums, and then scrolling down.</p>

<p>Good luck with everything!</p>

10

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<p>I would disagree with just about all of these assumptions. If your Mom worries that you’re selling yourself short, be sure that she and anyone else who gives input realize that Barnard is affiliated with Columbia University, and that graduates earn a diploma that says “Columbia.” Not that that should be the key concern, but it seems to be driving Mom’s concerns.</p>

<p>EVentually, it will however come down to finances. It’s hard to pick another school over Berkeley and then spend tens of thousands of extra dollars to do it.</p>

11

<p>Apply to both- smaller chance you’ll get into both; then choose the school that accepts you.</p>

12

<p>If you do end up at Barnard, you can basically choose to have a completely Columbia experience, if you wish- take their courses, live in their dorms, do their EC’s…
I do not know what would be listed at the head of your transcript or for the course titles, but you would have a degree from Columbia “University” because Barnard College is a part of CU, as are Columbia’s colleges.</p>

13

<p>Why not hold off on this dilemma until you actually have a choice between these two schools and save yourself unnecessary stress? You never know, the decision may be made for you…</p>

14

<p>Thanks for the input all of you! I do understand that it is highly unlikely that I would get into both, but the main stress in my household stems from my trying to convince my mother to allow me to apply to them. She seems to think my decision isn’t serious, will lead to me flunking out of college, no job, jail, etc etc - standard Asian parent overreaction. I will definitely talk to my mother about all of these points, so hopefully she will see that I am serious in my devotion to Barnard.</p>

15

<p>Well, you gotta understand about us moms. We tend to freak out when our kids start thinking seriously about college. We want you to grow up, but we also want you to stay young forever (I didn’t say we’re logical). We worry about things that may or may not happen years in the future. We think about what daily life is going to be without you at home. We want you to never fail, or get hurt or disappointed. We want you to be happy and well and successful. All of this tends to make us cling to you when you want to be adult and independent, and one way of clinging is to limit your college choices.</p>

<p>My advice, first be thoughtful and understanding of her feelings. Even if you disagree, hear her out. Agree where you can; her ideas may have some merit.</p>

<p>It’s better to have multiple small conversations than one BIG conversation. Let her get used to the idea gradually. See if you can find some other colleges which you could agree on. Be open-minded.</p>

<p>And be respectful, reasonable, and mature – not just about college, but about everything.</p>

16

<p>Thank you LasMa! I really appreciate hearing a mom’s perspective. Many of my friends, even my guidance counselor, tell me to “do what my heart tells me” and what not, but I’m just a mommy’s kid. If my mom isn’t happy with the decision, then I couldn’t possibly be happy with it. Having small conversations is definitely a great idea - thanks!</p>

17

<p>Maybe showing your mom a Jewish dad’s perspective would help: </p>

<p>I want you to be happy, always. When you were 13, we had a celebration of your coming of age. In our tradition, turning 13 made you an adult responsible for your actions. Your mother and I have gradually let you run your own life while in high school allowing you the freedom to become the person that you want to be. Our expectations for you were a mere abstraction. You are not what we expected. You are so much more. You have made us proud. We want you to launch into adulthood capable of making good decisions. I recognize that you’ve made mistakes and will make plenty more of them. It’s ok. It’s normal. Learn from them but don’t be afraid of making more of them. Reason things out and make your best decisions. </p>

<p>I will do research, get information, take you on visits, play devil’s advocate with everything to make you think about it hard. I will recommend that you have two safeties so that you will have to make a choice. Making the choice is a learning experience unto it’s own. You will learn things about yourself that you never thought about before. I will learn things about you. You may eliminate great schools from consideration because you have your reasons even if they are just emotional vibes. I may disagree, but will respect your decision making process. You’ve earned that right. I see you working hard to become the person that you want to be and I am proud of you, no matter what. </p>

<p>In the end, YOU will make YOUR decision. I hope that it will be a well reasoned one. No matter what though, it is YOUR decision. It is YOUR life. I want you to be happy. </p>

<p>I will write the check.</p>

18

<p>I love this response^</p>

<p>Thank you for that insight. I really want my mom to be with me on my college journey and this helps, every bit of it.</p>

19

<p>Both of you are way ahead of yourselves. You should not be choosing between two schools that you have not gotten into yet. Instead, you should be laying out a set of reach, match and safety schools that will give you options one year from now when you have your accept/denied letters. You can expect to change your perspective a bit in a year, through maturity and through learning more about the colleges and let’s hope your mother learn a bit more too, especially about what is important for medical school (GPA/MCAT.) It is even possible that you would have a better shot by going to a CSU and being at the top of your class. I’m not saying to do that, but do some reading up on this. You might want to research the LAC"s that have the highest medical school acceptance rates. They are often much higher than University acceptance rates.</p>

<p>So for now do not speak to her of selecting THE school to attend, just selecting an array to apply to–some will leave options open for you, some will leave options open for her to discuss with you. Options for you to have available is the key here.</p>

<p>Seems quite reasonable to apply to Barnard and Columbia. Tell her you will apply to Columbia as she wishes and that she can at the same time allow you to apply Barnard as you wish. They are related and Barnard students can and do have full privleges to take courses across the street at Columbia. Barnard is a prestige school and if you investigate closely, I wouldn’t be surprised if the med school admit rate is higher than at Berkeley. At Berkeley, you can expect some degree of weeding out of premeds to occur through tough grading curves. At LAC’s, you can expect more a culture of support for the student’s success.</p>

<p>Seems quite reasonable to apply to Berkeley as well as several other UC’s, depending on where your grades and scores put you with regard to accepted applicants.</p>

<p>Now you need to add a few more schools. If you think you have a good shot at Berkeley, then perhaps UC’s are true safeties for you. Be sure they are before forgoing other safeties, and apply to all the UC’s just in case if you are unsure (one application, but many fees.) Now look around at some other school, your match school. Perhaps add a reach school that sounds interesting.</p>

<p>Going to the other coast for college is a wonderful, way to explore the country and become more worldly in a protected environment. Much easier than uprooting yourself and finding a job and an apartment after graduation. I think it is a sacrifice the parent should to make for the enrichment of the child/student, should the student desire to do that. Discuss that more seriously later, after applications are sent.</p>

<p>The parent should not be choosing your major. Just say you will take it under advisement, worded however is effective. Problem is that some majors at some schools must be declared ahead of time (often Engineering) as it is difficult or impossible to transfer in.</p>

<p>Do you have a Fiske Guide? Buy one and you and your mother flip through it.</p>

<p>I take it financials are not a consideration as you have not mentioned it.</p>

<p>Dream schools are kinda like dream cars. It really is a imaginary construct of wants and hopes and desired that you project onto the school. It’s more about you than the schools. In the end it doesn’t matter all that much how you get from point A to point B, I just hope you enjoy the ride.</p>

<p>Sorry to blather on so long, what got into me?</p>

20

<p>Thank you for your very comprehensive response!</p>

<p>Obviously, these are not the only colleges I am applying to. However, the reason I am stuck between these two is partially because of my family’s dynamics. I come from a very conservative background (in conduct, not in politics) and the matter of college and where one is applying to is one that is communicated primarily nonverbally. It has been hard to open up to my parents. While I am not repressed socially, I often find myself watching my words around my parents, particularly my mother. </p>

<p>The topic of colleges, especially where I find myself wanting to go, has become a point of contention and these two schools in particular have featured heavily in our discussions. I hope to communicate to my mom how much I want to apply to Barnard, not just for the sake of applying but for the idea of actually living in and learning out of NYC. It’s tough for her to accept, but thanks to all of your advice, I am gradually introducing her to the idea. Thanks :)</p>