<p>Your diploma will have an impact on maybe 25% of the rest of your life. Your mental state will have an impact on probably 98%. Focus on the priorities.</p>
<p>^^^ Ahhhh, wisdom. ^^^^</p>
<p>CalMom, well said!</p>
<p>There have already been a lot of things said that I would have said, so I will just add a few other things:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>My son's best friend really didn't know where he wanted to go to school, and his parents pressured him into Rice. They basically decided it and told him that he 'had no aspirations' if he went elsewhere. Well, he short-circuited within the first few weeks and ended up nearly flunking out his first year. Now, the 2nd year, he is attending the local cc in an effort to bring up his abysmal GPA. This is a really smart kid but it sure seems like the parents, although obviously well-meaining, did not consider all the various factors of what is 'best' for the person. More importantly, they pretty much decided it FOR him, rather than involving him in the process. (Every time I asked him what HE wanted to do, he would say 'Well my dad says I should...') Just because someone is intelligent and 'has potential' does not necessarily mean that s/he MUST attend a university with one of the highest suicide rates in the country. Fortunately, our friend didn't get to the point of feeling suicidal, but how many other kids get in that situation because they are afraid to 'let down' their parents? It's not worth it! Your parents need to accept that nothing is worth that. They think the meds have solved all the problems, but you said you know that's not true. Only YOU know what you are really feeling. Don't let them pressure you into a position that could jeopardize your happiness and emotional stability! And, isn't making one's own decisions part of the growing up process?</p></li>
<li><p>My son has an extremely IQ, and I know that he could get in just about anywhere if he really set his mind to it. But, he has not done the things that would be required to do that (all the ECs, top stats, etc.) and that is totally ok. Is he reaching his potential? Strictly in terms of academic success, definitely not. But, we measure potential in other ways besides test scores and money earned. I know that he is happy, and, more importantly, progressing as a person, where he's at right now. He may even decide to just stay at home for his first year and attend the local state U before transferring to the flagship state U. Or, horrors! He could feasibly even get his degree from the mediocre local state U! (Hey, life happens! Any number of things could happen: like him wanting to keep his job, or having a serious girlfriend, whatever...) What then??? Well, if that's what he decides, and he is happy, then we will support him! </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Granted, we are just 'middle class' folk with probably less invested in the idea of our son attending a prestigious university like your parents might be, but ya know what? Your parents don't know everything. They may think they do, but they don't. Only you know what is best for you. Trust yourself and your own process. Your parents know a lot about monetary success, but how much do they know about happiness?</p>
<p>Consider the possibility that YOU may actually be able to teach THEM some things about what's important in life!</p>
<p>Case in point: Here is something I posted on another thread in the Parents Forum - something about 'Is there more to life than Money?' or something like that - search for it - a lot of what was said in that thread would also apply to your situation.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>There was this poster at work that showed the results of some survey, and the main factors that make people happy. In other words, they ascertained which things in life most 'happy' people tend to have, and somehow assessed how important each thing is in determining the likelihood of being happy in life.</p>
<p>Was career /$$ #1?</p>
<p>No way!</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Marrying the right person - it seems that people who are happy with their spouses have the most likelihood of being happy in life - regardless of other factors such as job, money, etc. So, experience in relationships is more important than anything else in the long run.</p></li>
<li><p>Having children - This accounted for a great deal. People who have children claimed that this was a major reason for their happiness. Again, regardless of other factors. (I would advise waiting awhile before becoming a parent, however - there is plenty of time for that later!)</p></li>
<li><p>Health - well, this one makes sense - hard to be happy if one has some dreaded disease</p></li>
<li><p>Career/Income</p></li>
</ol>
<p>WOW! Career/income is #4 on the list!!!! What does that tell you?</p>
<p>Follow your heart...follow your dharma...</p>
<p>Saving the world is more important than being rich, but it's hard to save the world if you're poor. </p>
<p>$$ is nice, but lots of people with lots of $$ are still unhappy. However, lacking $$ can contribute to unhappiness by adding the stress of struggling to pay bills. My advice: Find the sweet spot... that will allow you to make a difference in the world, that you can feel good about. If you concentrate ONLY on getting rich, you will feel empty. Do what you need to be comfortable, not necessarily rich. Then, do what gives you joy and fulfillment.</p>
<p>And, always Remember:</p>
<p>'LOVE can get you thru times of no money
better than
Money can get you thru times of no love'</p>
<p>Oh, and, duh, of course there is something more to life than $$! $$ is just a tool, not an end in itself. To think that $$ will bring about happiness is delusion.</p>
<p>Life is nicer with $$ than without it. But, it is most definitely NOT the most important thing!</p>
<p>----end previous post-----</p>
<p>Bottom line, Banana, is that you seem to be growing as a person and are in a good position right now. I would say, if you are happy where you're at, don't let your parents (or anyone else) pressure you to do something you're not comfortable with. All that talk about 'suck it up' is probably what contributed to your depression in the first place! Hey, it's a well-known fact that type 'A' personalities tend to be the most financially successful, but also the most prone to heart attacks! So what good is all that if you're depressed??</p>
<p>At the same time, I would recommend always keeping your options open. It could be that you are going thru a recuperation phase. You could feel differently after you've rested a bit. Maybe next year, or the year after, you might feel renewed and ready to tackle a more challenging school. If so, go for it - but only on YOUR terms!</p>
<p>And if not, if you decide to remain where you are, congratulate yourself for having the wisdom to decide what's best for you, and the courage to stand up for yourself. Those lessons are every bit as important, if not more so, than anything they can teach you in any school.</p>
<p>One quick recommendation: do some research on Humboldt & make a list. Of well-known professors, especially in the areas of your interest. Of well-known grad schools that accept Humboldt grads. Of any career/research/internship opportunities at Humboldt you could tap into. Next time your parents put down your school, mention the things you've learned. They'll have a hard time arguing with facts. And the facts are, that there are many respected faculty members at all Cal states (faculty members who are themselves Ivy grads). And because so many people go to Cal states, there are many success stories, and there is no reason you can't be one of them.</p>
<p>Thanks again for all the responses. </p>
<p>I am hoping to gently start to confront my parents over the next little while. I really hope we can ease into this "me making my own decisions" thing without there having to be an angry break. I love them and I love their support. I am also VERY close with my younger brother. </p>
<p>About the unusually distinguished faculty at Humboldt...my dad is (sort of) one of them. He went to Williams and Berkeley and has hated the fact that he has had to teach at HUMBOLDT, a NONAME school. Haha, so I am not sure if the distinguished faculty ploy will work on him. He hates the students at humboldt and seems pretty dissatisfied with his career at times...</p>
<p>Banana, it sounds like you are handling this very sensitively. I can see how your father's disappointment in his own career maybe is pouring over on to you -- that really goes far to understanding why he gets so angry and unreasonable when talking about it. I wouldn't have been too keen on Katlia's suggestion anyway, because when people are responding to things emotionally, they tend not to want to listen to facts in any case. The reason I suggest just trying to be noncommittal and putting the discussion off, saying you need more time before you are ready for another change, is that I DO think you can ease into things and avoid an angry confrontation. Since you are close to your younger brother, you might be able to plant some seeds by mentioning frequently to him how happy you are now -- just say things like "I really love my job" -- "I feel so much more relaxed here" -- "I feel so much more confident" -- "I'm glad I have this break" (I assume that all these things are true). If your brother keeps hearing positive comments like this from you, that will filter back to your parents in a way that isn't a direct confrontation, but helps get the message across that you are really, truly happy. Also, if your mom seems more reasonable about it than your dad, maybe you can talk to her separately -- plan an activity with her when he's not around, such as going to the beach or out to lunch -- and then maybe you can share more about how depressed you were and how much better you feel, and help her understand the seriousness of your depression and need for recovery. So if you could win her over first, that would make things easier with your dad.</p>
<p>"edad: I am in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and I am properly medicated. This is very much under control. Believe me: being semi-stable and not suicidal is WONDERFUL and a HUGE difference from the past 4 years."</p>
<p>As a person who suffered from depression all of my life until I finally got on medication a couple of years ago, I am cheering for you! What you describe is wonderful news.</p>
<p>"I am currently attending Humboldt State University. I previously attended Swarthmore College. I really see no reason to keep this secret since you all are such excellent sleuths anyway!"</p>
<p>Whatever college works for you is where you should be. The most prestigious college isn't necessarily the best college for any individual, no matter how smart. Anyone who thinks that a prestigious college guarantees a happy or successful life is making a big mistake, the same kind of big mistake that people make when they think that attending a low ranked school rules out success or happiness.</p>
<p>And success is far deeper than material wealth</p>
<p>The cross country bike trip sounds wonderful!</p>
<p>At some point, virtually all people do things that their parents don't agree with. No matter how much our parents love us, there will be times in which what they think is in our best interests is not. Seems that may be the position that you're in. You may not ever change your parents' mind s(though one of my ex students had similar problem with his parents, who threatened to disown him for going to a college that they thought was beneath him. THey even stopped talking to him for months. By the time he graduated from college, his parents had so changed their minds that they threw a graduation party for him and his dad publicly apologized for trying to get the student to attend college elsewhere.).</p>
<p>Best of luck to you! I hope you are able to post now and then from your trip. I'd love to hear about it.</p>
<p>Your parents are wrong; you are right. Hopefully they'll accept your decisions at some point, but you can't count on it. You need to work on feeling very, very proud of yourself for making so many healthy decisions. And it sounds like you are working on that. Parents who can't applaud what you are doing with your life right now should be in therapy themselves. Sorry if that sounds judgmental, but this kind of parenting, however "well-intentioned", can drive a kid right over the edge. You must be very smart and strong to have pulled yourself back from the edge to a safer happier place. That's where you belong.</p>
<p>however, a devil's advocate comment-- </p>
<p>Now that you are on the appropriate medication, it may be that you would be feeling substantially happier whether or not you were at Humboldt. So try to keep your options open and realize that the place <em>may</em> not be the key factor, it may just be coincidental to improved biochemistry. It's hard to know.</p>
<p>I think your dad sees you as a superior student and superior intellect and I understand his dreams for you. It is so hard for parents not to project their dreams onto their kids. But unless they are YOUR dreams they will feel hollow and unsatisfying. </p>
<p>calmom's advice is good. </p>
<p>One foot in front of the other, keeping all options open. After a year of feeling happy and balanced, you may itch for more academic challenges, or you may not. You will find out when you get there.</p>
<p>'...He went to Williams and Berkeley and has hated the fact that he has had to teach at HUMBOLDT, a NONAME school. Haha, so I am not sure if the distinguished faculty ploy will work on him. He hates the students at humboldt and seems pretty dissatisfied with his career at times...'</p>
<p>Aha! A clue! And just why does he 'hate' the students??? That sounds really harsh. No way are ALL the students at any given college 'bad' or even mediocre students. Why is he not able to see the bright stars in the student body? Elitism? Prejudice? Well of course he wouldn't want his own daughter to be among that group of people that he has such disdain for.</p>
<p>If you do decide to continue at Humboldt, your decision could possibly have a huge impact on his outlook on life. Kinda like a racist letting go of racism when his kid marries someone of a different ethnicity, that sort of thing. I don't think your decision should be based on that - it should be based on what truly is best for you - but that could possibly be a result. It makes more sense now that you told us this little piece of info.</p>
<p>A clue indeed. So ignore my previous advice as it will only make your dad more peevish and argumentative. Console yourself with the fact that he'd be probably unhappy at a "better" school as well. Academics in general are a peevish, dissatisfied lot, I speak from all-too-personal experience.</p>
<p>Why does everything in life have to be a battle? Ie: challenges at school</p>
<p>many people go to non "prestige" school and do very well in life, like what they are learning, and indeed to learn</p>
<p>not every thing has to be the "top tier"....we act as if going to on college is just not good enough if its not a "better" school, well it is good enough, in fact, it is wonderful...the attitude of parents, posters, etc comes across that somehow 95% of students are not doing as well as they could becuase they are not at "better" schools...what are we saying about the majority of college students in the country then, if we keep inferring that where the are is not good enough and that they should have higher aspirations</p>
<p>If this student stays at Humboldt the whole college career, that is great.., why the push by us here to move on...</p>
<p>Why do we and the OPs parents think that just going to college is not good enough...they should count their blessings- child is working taking classes is stable physically and emotionally right now and is content....why do we here think that is not good enough? it is wonderful</p>
<p>One issue that may be of concern to your parents is that in your current situation, you might be tempted to stop working toward a college degree completely and just focus on your job and other parts of your life.</p>
<p>Parents, in general, do not like it when young people do this because most of us have friends or relatives who did it and regretted it later. </p>
<p>You have a job. You know that it is possible to get a job without a college degree -- you've already done that. You could probably continue working for quite a few years in jobs where a degree is not essential. However, at some point in your career, you are likely to find yourself in a situation where career opportunities that you might like to pursue are not available to you because you did not graduate from college. And by the time this happens, you may be in a life situation (marriage, children, mortgage) that would make it exceedingly difficult for you to go back to school. We parents have seen this happen to people we know. That's why we urge young people to continue working toward their degrees.</p>
<p>I do not know whether this concern plays a role in your parents' discomfort with your current plans. But it might.</p>
<p>Banana,
Your newfound strength is your best ally - it adds happiness to your life, and it shows, because I can feel the determination and sense of purpose and positive passion in your writing.
Prestige is what you make - or don't make - of it. It is such an overblown concept. As an Ivy grad, former CNN producer and now college professor, my happiest moments have been tied to the unconventional (and rather fractured and painful) paths followed to get what I wanted. The moments that make or break humans are not posted on a resume. PLACES DON"T DETERMINE YOUR PATHS TO THE FUTURE. YOUR WILL DOES.
YOU are precious. Don't lose sight of that. Your bosses and your fellow students at Humboldt are lucky to have you around.</p>
<p>Banana,</p>
<p>I give you heaps of credit for identifying your issues here and working through them.</p>
<p>And even more important, you recognize that your dad's issues are his issues and seem to know enough to not let them become your issues.</p>
<p>And being a Berkeley grad myself, I can say the most important things I learned while I was there happened outside of the classroom in real life. And like your dad, I could consider myself a bit of an underachiever if you believe that going to a higher reputation university is supposed to put a person in an upper caste. </p>
<p>I worry that I put too much pressure on my 9th grade daughter to "succeed" at times because she could be consider an overachiever, but I always try to give her a picture of why a certain action is probably advisable to achieve "her" goals (she's a hockey goalie if you didn't figure that one out from my tag name) and leave the choice to her.</p>
<p>I think that may be what is missing here. It doesn't sound like your dad has "your goals" in mind here, but his own insecurities (which is very human). I don't pretend to have an answer as to how to get him to refocus on your goals. And it probably isn't necessary to get him there (although it would be very nice), because you sound like you are finding the strength to get there on your own. I would concentrate on "you" and leave another trusted person to work on him with no expectation of change.</p>
<p>I think you know this, though.</p>
<p>Good Luck</p>
<p>"There is no promise that NOT getting the degree from that top LAC will do you any harm, just as there is no promise that getting it there would really give you a "leg up."</p>
<p>I went to Number 1 LAC. I am now 56 years old. In the 35 years since I have graduated, I have lived on the east coast, in the midwest, and in the west. Never once have I had an employer or potential employer who recognized even the name of where my degree was from. Not once. The closest I ever came was an employer who thought I'd gone to William & Mary, a Catholic school. :eek:</p>
<p>Go where you'll do well, and everything will come out in the wash.</p>
<p>You are a brave young woman on the right track with her life. First of all the key word is IT'S YOUR LIFE!!!! Go to your local Uni and make it work for you.
Let me tell you about my best friend. She went to a large state college, Ohio State, majored in theatre and had a wonderful time. When all the elite
students from other schools were going off to Yale for grad degrees and ready made connections, she showed up in New York on my doorstep
and went to work. Ushering at the Village Gate, doing wardrobe for dance companies, secretary at two design firms, summer stock, etc. She took advantage of everything she learned from these jobs and never lost her hunger. In 1988, she was pregnant and a long term temp receptionist at Wang Labs. They offered her a full time position. She turned it down,
telling them she was a costume designer. Their reply, no problem their last receptionist was a designer and was with them for four years!<br>
She sat at a computer and sent resumes to 100 theatres and surprisingly got a few non paying Off-Off Broadway gigs. Four years later, in 1992,
she was nominated for a Tony award for best costume design, for her 1st Broadway show. She ended up sharing a studio with five Yale school post grads. Out of all this group and their assistants, including her own,
she was the only one without a graduate degree.<br>
She has also been nominated for over sixteen theatrical design awards. The moral of this story is the world needs people like this.
LIVE YOUR LIFE, FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!</p>
<p>Picking up on something GoalieDad said, one of my mantras (mantri?) is that half of what you learn in college you learn outside the classroom. At a "lower" institution, you may have to be more active to seek out the most stimulating, most energetic, brightest students to be your developmental laboratory, but they're there. And they're not always the ones with the flashiest stats, either.</p>
<p>Banana,</p>
<p>You have a well designed plan that makes you happy and productive. Do your own thing kid! Your parents will come around eventually, it my take a while.</p>