Parents and Child don't see eye to eye on education...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I am the child in this situation. </p>

<p>I am taking a year off after a horrible freshman year at a top LAC. I am working full time, taking a few courses at the local University and LOVING it. I've moved into an apartment, and I am supporting myself. I am training for a bicycling trip across the county and am trying to raise $12,000 for a charity project. </p>

<p>I have suffered from depression and for the first time in 5 years, I feel like I am in a good place (not suicidal, semi-stable, even HAPPY at times!). It's amazing. </p>

<p>The initial plan was that I would take a year off to regroup, and then either return to my old college, or apply to transfer, but the longer I stay here, the more I don't feel like leaving. I love my living situation, my job, my classes, and my friends. I realize its only October and things may change, but this is amazing right now. </p>

<p>Yesterday I went home and mentioned this, very loosely, to my parents. They freaked out. They said I won't be able to do anything with an undergraduate degree from my local Uni, I won't get a good job, I won't be able to go to grad. school, etc. My dad said he thinks I need to get out in the real world and not be sheltered in my home community. He thinks I need to challenge myself and be really uncomfortable to feel and enjoy success in the long run.</p>

<p>Part of me sees his point, but the vast majority of me visciously disagrees. If I go out and spend the next four years at some high powered place like my old college, am very miserable, but graduate with a degree, will it really be worth it? Will my life be markedly better? It seems like a lot of people think having high grades, admittance into a great college, etc, as the definition of hapiness and success, but so far in my short life, that hasn't proved true for me. So what makes having a degree from a great Uni. a garentee of success/hapiness? I know I am not putting this very articulately, but I just feel like a high powered college degree may not be for everyone. Just because my parents are happy with their professional careers (and sometimes I doubt this...) doesn't mean that I'll be. </p>

<p>At this point, I feel like I am going to have to make my own decision regardless of my parent's feelings. I have the money to get myself through school here, so no matter how much they disapprove of me staying here, they can't keep me from staying. If I were to go anywhere else, I would need their financial support. </p>

<p>I guess I am just nervous about directly going against them. Any advice? Feelings? Parent's viewpoints?</p>

2

<p>I'd say, finish off your current year & see how life evolves. Personally, I think you & your folks should be THRILLED that you're happier & things are coming together for you. There is no promise that NOT getting the degree from that top LAC will do you any harm, just as there is no promise that getting it there would really give you a "leg up."
Most grad schools are interested in grades. You'll get better grades if you're happier than if you're really depressed any day! Employers want to know your job experience, major, and sometimes grades as well. It sounds like the things you're doing now are adding meaning & happiness to your life--congrats!
I think your folks will come around--just don't dig in your heels & see how things evolve.</p>

3

<p>I don't know what the accreditation is of the school you attend, but I agree with HImom. Major and grades are very important. Obviously, your happiness is very important too! Also, when you attend a less competitive UG school, and want to continue onto grad school, often creating a little bit of distance between graduating and applying helps. I mean a few years of good job experience will be valued by admissions of a graduate school. JMO. Enjoy the rest of your year!</p>

4

<p>You already know the answers to your questions about college plans. Dealing with your parents is a separate issue and it appears that is going to be a difficult situation.</p>

<p>Being non-suicidal and semi-stable is not good enough. You don't mention getting any medical or professional help for your depression. That should be your priority and may also be very difficult. The medical profession is geared towards quick and easy treatment. For depression that often means drugs. Drugs can work very well for some people in some situations. More often therapy is needed. Therapy can be a long and slow process, but worth it. Take care of your health and the rest of your life will fall into place.</p>

5

<p>Banana, sounds like you feel you are in a better place! The more responsibility you take in your life, the more in charge of things, perhaps the better you will feel. This is from the vantage point of watching my own son develop life skills. I do not for one moment believe that success is achieved through going beyond by challenging yourself and being really uncomfortable. Parents sometimes forget how "awe-full" their good intentions can be for their offspring. Remember in the scope of things and for the long run you must first tend to yourself to have any success beyond that.</p>

6

<p>banana, you come across as strong, sensible and, while in disagreement with your parents on this issue, respectful of their views. That is an awesome combination.</p>

<p>Like the other parents who have posted, I agree that you should follow your own instincts and thoughts on this issue. Being "uncomfortable" does not really seem the right thing, to me, for someone who has gone through what you have.</p>

<p>But, like you, I think I see what your parents mean. Since you say that "part of [you] sees his point," you might think of a middle ground alternative. If your current local U is little known, not strong in your fields of interest, and lacking in peers of your ability level, you could think about other schools in the huge range between a top LAC and where you are. Someplace still that would not be more "high powered" than you want.</p>

<p>I bring this up just as a POSSIBILITY. If your current school fills your needs, if you've thought about a mid-range school, or if your current school is strong in everyone's eyes but your parents, LOL, then follow your own heart and mind and stay there.</p>

7

<p>Banana, I'm sorry that your parents are so freaked out. My son took a year off from college that turned into 3 years, and I could see after he had been working at his job for several of months that he was truly happy in a way that I had never seen before. Since he was supporting himself financially, I figured it was his business to decide how to run his life, not mine. I had to let go of some dreams -- he is now finishing college at the same college you are attending part time (I dug through some of your other posts to figure that part out ;) ) He also is putting himself through school, and he is working half time right now at a job that he really loves. </p>

<p>I have to admit that part of me feels a sense of loss because my daughter is now attending an extremely prestigious college, and my son who is is every bit as capable as his sister, if not more so, is finishing at a CSU. But I know that this is the path that is right for him. </p>

<p>Since you are working full time and like your job, you know that your parents are dead wrong when they tell you that a degree from the CSU won't land you a good job. You already have a job. Employers make hiring decisions mostly based on experience. Sure, many jobs require a college degree... but work experience simply is what lays the foundation for finding future work. Maybe that isn't going to lead to the world's highest paying job.... but if you have a decent job now, you know that college is only one part of the equation. </p>

<p>My advice to you is to keep doing what you are doing, and simply don't discuss things around your parents. If they ask again, simply say that you are thinking about things and change the subject.</p>

<p>I think the fact that you can afford to put yourself through college at the CSU but would need your parents money to return to school elsewhere is a very powerful reason to continue on the path you are on, because of the way your parents are trying to assert control. Essentially, in your life the issue is not about education -- it is, at the moment, about your independence. In fact, I kind of wonder if part of the reason you are so happy right now is simply that this is the first time that you feel free of the burden of your parent's expectations .... maybe I'm very wrong, but I just get the impression that your parents had planned out your life to be one way, and their plan isn't really right for you -- and that inner conflict between living your own life and living to please your parents could have been a source of frustration in the past. </p>

<p>At this point, there is no need to burn any bridges or get in conflict with your parents. In a few months you can decide whether you want to apply anywhere as a transfer; if not, you can simply stay enrolled where you are.<br>
Maybe over time your parents will get used to the idea, and will also realize that you have to make these choices on your own.</p>

8

<p>If my kid could say this:</p>

<p>
[quote]
for the first time in 5 years, I feel like I am in a good place (not suicidal, semi-stable, even HAPPY at times!). It's amazing.</p>

<p>.................. I love my living situation, my job, my classes, and my friends.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I would be so so happy! </p>

<p>To answer your question, here is some anecdotal evidence. I hate anecdotes, but here you go anyway: When I got my MBA 25 years ago I went to work at a large bank where one of my colleagues came from a top (make that, THE top) MBA program. He went on to work in the nonprofit sector in a lowkey job. Another very young MBA joined us from a lesser state university MBA program in the northwest. He went on to run departments at major wall street firms and for several years earned more than $20mm. So, the name of the degree stamped on your forehead will make a very small difference compared to the effort and drive you put into your career. </p>

<p>I would ask your parents, what do they think you will get out of returning to your highly ranked LAC? Exactly what job do they think you will get with that degree that you will not be able to get with your local uni degree? Will that job help you achieve happiness? Not everyone aspires to be an investment banker at Goldman Sachs or a partner at Dewy Cheatem & Howe. </p>

<p>Oh, and are you planning a bike trip in your "county" as stated above, or did you really mean "country" ? If you meant country I would encourage you to do that!! I love bike riding and went on a 1 month DIY tour of New England and Nova Scotia when I was in my 20s but always wanted to ride accross the country (except I could never remember how to spell across!) and now in my 50s I can't meet the physical demands of a Xcountry trip.</p>

9

<p>I agree with CalMom. You seem to know what you're doing, you know <em>why</em> you're doing it in a way that passes the sniff test with this external observer, and you're happy.</p>

<p>The "can't get a job with an undergraduate degree from your local uni" is an aptly described freak out and over-reaction.</p>

<p>Now, as a parent would I be freaked out in your parents' position? Probably. And I would need to tell myself, or be strongly told, that I need to get a grip Honestly? Giving up the thrill of having D at a top ranked LAC and having a smashing time would be disappointing...but that would say more about me than her, neh?</p>

10

<p>banana, I think your parents are way off base. You should go where you want to go. As they see you are doing well, they will probably change their minds. You mentioned Cal Poly in another thread. Are you going to a Cal State right now?</p>

11

<p>Being happy, fulfilled, and challenged is the whole deal. If you can get those elements in your current setting, you are in the right place, regardless of the prestige.</p>

<p>Your parents will come around, because while most of us love to live vicariously through our children, we are wise enough to realize that our job is simply to launch you guys, not to live your lives, and that being happy is the most important of all. I hope your parents will have that realization soon.</p>

12

<p>My nieces, all three, had to work the entire time they were in college, sometimes more classes, sometimes fewer, and yeah it took longer for them then the average student, now all three are in well paying jobs, with nice friends, great apartments and doing really well in life in general</p>

<p>so it took longer, so long as you are happy, working hard, and still taking classes, it matters not what your parents think, does it?</p>

<p>you are an adult and can run your own life</p>

<p>I am so sick of this "presitige thing" , it is a way of putting down hardworking, dedicated, young adults who are in college, but not in "the top" ones...</p>

<p>You will also have an advantage, some real work experience, so when you do look for "the job" you will have a leg up on just the "school taught"</p>

<p>So just keep doing what you are doing, tell your parents you are happy, and isn't that what they want? </p>

<p>And congrats on doing it all!! School, work, friends, etc</p>

13

<p>banana, are your parents clear on how unhappy you were and how much better you feel now? Did you soft-pedal your unhappiness before? I only say thins because your emotional stability is so much more important than the name on the degree; hard to believe your parents would not agree.</p>

<p>That is awesome that you can support yourself too. Well done!</p>

14

<p>Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful replies! Here are some quicknotes:</p>

<p>edad: I am in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and I am properly medicated. This is very much under control. Believe me: being semi-stable and not suicidal is WONDERFUL and a HUGE difference from the past 4 years. Please don't undermine my progress. I have worked so hard to get here.</p>

<p>I am currently attending Humboldt State University. I previously attended Swarthmore College. I really see no reason to keep this secret since you all are such excellent sleuths anyway!</p>

<p>NJres: I am going on a Cross-COUNTRY trip! Terrible typing, I know! </p>

<p>Calmom, your words are precious. Thank you. </p>

<p>SBmom: I used to play-down my unhapiness at school, but when I came home, I was honest about it. They basically told me they didn't want to hear about it becuase it freaked them out too much...but now that I am in a better place, they attribute it ALL to the change in meds, and think that, basically, that chapter of my life is over, and I should be ready to go back into the world and be the straight A go-getter that I was in high school. I do not feel this way AT ALL! Although I am doing so much better, as anyone else with depression will understand, life is not stable and is constantly in flux. I feel like everything is in such a careful balance and I never know what tomorrow will bring. I try to explain this to my parents but they reply with, "Well, everyone goes through good and bad times. You need to learn how to suck it up and get through it." Or something of that nature. Sorry that this turned into a bit of a rant...it is just very hard for me to communicate with them about this!</p>

<p>My dad is an educator and has a hard time imagining me "giving up my potential" and while I understand this, there is this huge part of me that I think would be miserable in the process of realizing that potential. </p>

<p>My parents also really hold onto the fact that they have more years behind them than I do, and therefor know what is better for me in the long run. </p>

<p>I am so torn between all these things. They have raised me to be a "suck up the sadness/pain and go for it" type and believe me, its taken me 5 years to finally accept taking meds on a daily basis. I really have a hard time going for what I feel is right for me and what they feel is right for me. Afterall, they have 30 years more experience than I do. </p>

<p>Anyway, thank you so much to all, and I hope things sort themselves out!</p>

15

<p>Sorry if you felt my comments undermined your progress. Actually it sounds like you are doing all the right things and your life will continue to get better.</p>

16

<p>Banana, your parents are not YOU. All of their experience does not mean they know what is going on in your head and what is best for you.</p>

<p>I know your parents love you, but I think they are blinded by their own high regard for your abilities and intelligence. If I had a kid who had been depressed and suicidal, I'd probably go to the other extreme -- I'd be very protective and just want to see my kid in the "safest" environment possible. The last thing I'd want to do would be to push my kid toward another stressful situation, because I would be absolutely terrified of a relapse. </p>

<p>I think you just need to keep telling them that you need more time. I think you should try to stay as calm as possible and avoid getting drawn into explaining yourself beyond saying that you do not feel emotionally ready <em>yet</em>. First of all, that explanation is the absolute truth: you are feeling happy and stable for the first time in years, so of course you should try to keep the equilibrium that is in place now and continue with your therapy and meds before making other plans. Secondly, "more time" avoids confrontation and leaves your options open. If in a year's time you still aren't "ready" you can stay where you are; when and if you feel that you want a change, you can start exploring options. </p>

<p>You want to know something funny? I think the LAC my son started out at was a better college than Humboldt, but I don't think that was $30,000 better. (which is pretty much the difference between its tuition and Humbolt's). Maybe $10,000 better, but not $30,000 better. So yes, it's kind of a come-down for him .... but he sure is getting better value for his money. And like you he is paying his own way and he can do it without borrowing, so in the end he will graduate debt free.</p>

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<p>banana, </p>

<p>Are your parents aware what a high-intensity place Swarthmore is reputed to be? Knowing the schools in question, I think ultimately maybe jmmom's advice is something to consider. Maybe Swarthmore was not a fit and maybe there would be 'compromise' schools with solid national reputations but less of a pressured environment.</p>

<p>Anyway there are apparently lots of studies saying that kids who are smart enough to get in to top schools, but don't attend them, do as well in life as those who actually do attend the top schools. It all has to do with the person and that person's ability, drive, and intellect. </p>

<p>You will be fine. Listen to your inner voice. Do what makes you happiest.</p>

18

<p>Banana: Off the top of my head I can think of five Humboldt grads that we know and work with and they are all managing to put food on the table. One even got into grad school at U. of Washington LOL.</p>

<p>Your parents have been though a lot of worry and they love you very much. If you approach discussions with them understanding that then perhaps you can get them to see that you are a different person than they envision you as. Perhaps you need a small, sheltered community in which to thrive. Not everybody is going to do well at a stress factory like Swarthmore. </p>

<p>It's true your parent have more years, but it sounds like their inability to see beyond their experience and their idea of you to who you really are and what you need in order to thrive may be at the heart of some of your problems getting launched in the world. It's perfectly OK to set some boundaries. You have to live inside your own skin; they do not. It sounds like what you are finding out is that 'hey, I need a really different type of life to be happy than what I was assuming I needed based on how I was raised." </p>

<p>That is a crucial step in growing up--if you are working and paying your bills and living your life, then go for it. Stay at Humboldt, keep doing what you are doing. You don't need them to approve of you; you don't need them to pay your bills; you can hold firm on this and pleasantly tell them that while you understand they love you and want the best, thanks to their excellent parenting you are finding the path that will lead you to a fulfilling adulthood. </p>

<p>If you haven't already, read "The Drama of the Gifted Child." It's kind of dated, but there are some valuable principles in there that may help you understand that it's OK to draw a firm line for yourself. It's your life, you have to live it. Your parents sound well meaning but they are crossing a boundary here and probably don't realize it.</p>

19

<p>Oh, one other thing: Humboldt State has a perfectly decent reputation in the Pacific NW. In any other part of the country nobody's heard of it but unless you plan on moving, who cares? In fact, people have heard of "California State University" so again..who cares? </p>

<p>Californians I know love to disparage Humboldt, but it's a perfectly OK school. Believe it or not, it's a very desirable spot because it's such a gorgeous part of the country and cost of living is low for CA, so the faculty is better than the school rankings indicate. My D. seriously considered it as it has an amazing marine bio faculty; one kid from her HS chose it over much higher profile schools because he knows he wants to get a Phd in Marine Bio and the opportunity for research at Humboldt is great. His parents are both academics and steered him well in his college selection; he made his choice based on the faculty in the dept. he was interested in; the school they teach at is a detail.</p>

20

<p>Okay, freakme out time, but two of my nieces, who I talked about before, went to Humboldt...smalllll world</p>

<p>Anyway, you are living your life, you are happy, you are doing well, you are still in school...really what more should a parent ask for?</p>

<p>Not everyone takes the same path, some have detours, but those detours are not bad things, they can be quite wonderful</p>

<p>So just keep on keepin on, and just tell your parents you know they love you and just want what they THINK is best, but for your, this is where you need to be and you are actually quite happy. Them bugging you and acting disappointed doesn't help and it makes it hard for you to share your life with them...</p>

<p>Be nice, but its okay to say that they should be happy you are doing well, even if it is different from the path they imagined</p>