<p>Hardest thing I ever did was take the keys away from my dad. He was mad, but it was absolutely the right thing to do (late stage Parkinsons with mobility issues and scary brain meds). Most of his support group was in worse shape than he and still driving. This issue is going to be a growing problem. Good advice above: get referred to someone else (a professional that is trained to evaluate drivers) who can objectively say it’s time to stop driving. It creates more work for the caregivers when someone loses independence, but think of the others on the road. We are about to get an evaluation for inlaws.</p>
<p>Oh, agree with letting the medical professionals be the heavy. At every appt, we’d pull the doc or a nurse of the PT or OT aside and reinforce the notion that we don’t want him driving. They all concurred. The rehab facility he went to has a post-treatment program where they test patients for the various skills needed to drive, and they make the decision. Again, it keeps you from being the heavy. We hid the keys and even rigged the car (think the nuns in Sound of Music!) to keep him from driving. He hasn’t pushed the issue since coming out of rehab. He’s starting to get it … :(</p>
<p>Regarding the driving issue we have started the ball rolling with the local police who have submitted a medical evaluation request into the DMV. When I spoke to the police they explained that his license would be suspended and he would need to be retested which I know he would never pass. As much as I have a boatload of bad feelings for my father, I don’t want him to suffer and I know how devastating it will be to lose his ability to drive and all that means. No two ways about this…it sucks. I’ve already told my kids I don’t want to be a burden to them (can anybody say long term care insurance?) and I don’t want to live when there’s no quality of life.</p>
<p>I hate to be this blunt, but we’re supposed to unburden ourselves, right?</p>
<p>My dad has said twice that he’ll “blow his brains out” if he can’t drive. And, truthfully, I think he could. What I feel really bad about is that I totally get it. He’s been driving since he was 9 on the farm, and he sees not driving as a huge hit on his quality of life. I dread that phone call, but I absolutely see where he’s coming from. He’s 84 and wants to live life on his terms. Since rehab, he’s in a much better place physically and emotionally, but it’s always in the back of my mind.</p>
<p>YouDon’tSay - I just got chills reading what your dad said. I am so sorry. Mom said she would kill herself if I made her go to assisted living, but she is such a good Catholic and such a terrible memory that I took her sentiments seriously, but not the threat. If I had really thought she might kill herself, it would have made things so much harder. I keep repeating myself - but this is so difficult.</p>
<p>My mother said she’d jump off the roof of her 15 story apartment building if she ever started losing it. Well, by the time she started losing it, she wasn’t living in that building any longer. I doubt she would ever have done anything so drastic, but she certainly expressed how she’d feel about it.</p>
<p>My MIL said she’d never leave their condo, that they’d take her out feet first. FIL had broached the subject of assisted living, but was shot down to the point that it was a forbidden topic. About 6 months ago she had a stroke. It was bad enough that they were talking DNR etc. Miracles do happen & she started to recover and went into a well-respected rehab facility. At the beginning, she wasn’t into it at all, but worked hard because she wanted out. We used that as an opportunity to get them into assisted living. They just couldn’t take care of themselves (FIL broke his back trying to pick her up after a fall, she had numerous falls (prob. strokes) & wouldn’t call EMTs). </p>
<p>Long story short, I think going to the rehab turned her mind around and she willingly moved into the apartment. They have a nice 2BD with a small kitchen, but miracle of miracles, they are eating in the dining room. She had to go back into hospital a couple of weeks ago, but got out w/o a rehab stint. FIL is very social, she bordered on agoraphobic. Amazing what a few meds will do to a person. It’s the best thing ever. </p>
<p>We are incredibly fortunate that a. they live 2 miles from us and b. have the resources for such a good place. They had to deal with FIL’s parents living across the country & the quarterly trips back were killers and put them off traveling forever. </p>
<p>They still won’t tell us when there’s a fall (found out when the EMTs took her to hospital both times) or what the results are of some medical tests. Getting them to use the emergency button is an exercise in futility. At least someone will check on them if they don’t go down for meals. </p>
<p>FIL shouldn’t drive (drinking and pain meds), but he does. We haven’t been able to control that. MIL gave up her car willingly. I think that’s the hardest thing about getting old. That loss of control. Getting a drivers’ license is the first step in adulthood and losing it…the start of the end? I don’t know. It’s hard.</p>
<p>My dad has late stage Parkinsons. None of us felt too comfortable with him behind the wheel, but we were all afraid to take away his freedom. After all, he was almost 80 and still worked. However, one day, he backed out of the side-entry garage, zoomed across the side lawn in reverse, and didn’t stop until he hit the neighbor’s house. He claimed the accelerator was stuck. We all knew better and that the time had come to take away his keys. That was the last day he drove. He was crushed, but we told him the next time he might not be so fortunate as to hit a house; the next time could have been someone’s grandchild. </p>
<p>ABC did a brief story on elderly drivers several years ago:</p>
<p><a href=“Driving Specialists for Senior Citizens Behind the Wheel - ABC News”>Driving Specialists for Senior Citizens Behind the Wheel - ABC News;
<p>I did call some of the places near my dad (a local rehab hospital) that offered elderly driving assessment. Their program seemed pretty thorough. If my father hadn’t zoomed out of the garage, we were going to send him to the program. There is no way he would have passed.</p>
<p>I am so glad to learn that there are places that do driving assessments. I had no idea. I"m quite sure that my husband and I will be needing to tackle this one sometime in the future. </p>
<p>zebmom,
my parents are like your - don’t want to call 911. I have no idea why! Instead they call us. My husband will run over (we live 2 houses away) and then he will call 911. Crazy.</p>
<p>To the poster who asked about how to deal with unreasonable requests from parents, this is what we did. My FIL was in failing health and my MIL kept insisting that she could manage his care. As the physical demands got greater, she began calling for help. She wanted my H (her son) to come over and help her get dad to bed. Ok, he could do that, but he quickly realized that he needed to erect the boundary that this needed to happen when it was convenient for his schedule. My MIL wanted him to come at 11 at night. This simply wasn’t reasonable as my husband has to get up for work the next day and the bedtime procedure could easily take an hour or more. So, he deal was he’d come over, but it would be at 10pm. </p>
<p>Also, she began calling for more help and was refusing to hire help (which was within their means). We finally had to say, this is what we can do and that’s it. His brother did the same. Well, she did finally hire help and that turned out to be a blessing as one of the caregivers was really a gift to my inlaws. He even attended the funeral. </p>
<p>Boundaries. They are your best friend.</p>
<p>^^Yes, my brother was very firm about this with my Mum. At first I thought he could maybe do more (big of me seeing as I live on another continent and can do very little), but I have come to realize that his setting boundaries in this way really was a good idea. I have seen on my husband’s side of the family a bitter resentment build up by a family member who was at the beck and call of her relative.</p>
<p>I agree that the care giver/care recipient equation must work for both sides. That said, it sure isn’t easy. As needs progress, dignity issues can also arise, especially if there is a gender difference. I was comfortable helping my mother with some personal care, but not so much with my father. </p>
<p>I tried to anticipate the likely need for more care going forward when my folks were in the initial phases of this transition to assisted living, reminding them that what they were losing was more obvious than what they would be gaining, while encouraging them to give it a try. It’s amazing how some of the skills cultivated while parenting translate into caring for parents. Remember the first days of school… </p>
<p>If your parents are cooperative and trusting, you have a lot in your favor. If they are not, the line that is walked is complicated and finding professionals that will assist can help. There are geriatric care managers (often MSWs), who will not only help elders, but also help other family members get information while working to find the best solution possible. These professionals know local resources, Medicare, Medigap insurance options, driving resources, etc. and can also be a huge help if elders are distant from other family members (geographically or otherwise). They can also facilitate meetings with all relevant parties, so that communication is improved and the family can learn to navigate the challenges together or what is better delegated elsewhere.</p>
<p>WNP2- I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping that all goes smoothly.</p>
<p>It is good to hear what others are going through and benefit from not only the collective wisdom, but also the chance to vent.</p>
<p>travelnut
Your post reminded me about a source of help that we wish we’d known about sooner - the Veterans Administration. My FIL was in the service for 3 years as a young man. Now all these years later, they provided assistance that was very helpful to my MIL. They provided a care provider (probably something like an LPN) a few hours a week - not as much as my MIL needed, but the blessing is that there was no cost the family), some mobility equipment, and a hospital bed. </p>
<p>So, for those of you who have parents who are veterans, don’t overlook this source of possible help. Yes, the VA can be a huge pain, but it was worth it. </p>
<p>Oh and one more thing - if your parent is a veteran, have their discharge papers handy. When they pass away, and if you’d like, the branch of the service that your parent served in will send personnel to play Taps and give the widow an American flag. It’s really a moving ceremony. But you must be able to provide the discharge papers.</p>
<p>Oh my, great thread!
In-laws are moving into our empty nest at the end of the month. H has been writing $2K checks every month for the past 1-2 years to support their lifestyle. When MIL became suddenly ill this past winter, we firmly asked them to get the house on the market. Like someone posted earlier, this retirement (?!) house was a 4BR 2.5 bath monster. Of course, they took out tons of home equity on it. Siblings have not offered a whit of assistance in getting them here or doing anything for them.
H travels a lot for work… so it looks like it will be me and them.
FIL is a lovely guy who kowtows to MIL’s every demand. MIL is a beast, an absolute narcissistic beast. Should be interesting… I’ll be here lot.</p>
<p>Aid and Attendance is also a good resource for veterans and/or the veteran’s surviving spouse. We were able to get that for my MIL, who died recently at almost 92. We just returned today from her memorial service this weekend out of town. She was not perfect but really was a wonderful MIL. I know I was luckier than some seem to have been in that regard. She was the last grandparent to die. The end of an era. It was a very stressful time dealing in particular with the prolonged decline of both grandmothers. The granddads both went much more quickly. I know how difficult this is and wish all the best to those of you continuing to deal with these issues.</p>
<p>Oh goodness Woody, better get in some wine.</p>
<p>^^booklover- thanks for the VA info. I have always told my hubby that the VA will be there for him because I served for 20 years. Never thought about any benefits for mom since dad served only 6 years during the Korean Conflict. Do you contact the local VA hospital to start paperwork? Because I’m sure there has to be plenty of it. :-)</p>
<p>^^My MIL called the local VA hospital. Might vary by area, but it should be a good place to start.</p>
<p>swimcatsmom - I’m a little ashamed to admit that liquor store shopping is definitely on my list the week before the move - for both them and me!</p>
<p>PS Not that we personally can take advantage of them but I’m so glad to hear of the services available for veterans in their later years.
My own dad served in WWII but his records were destroyed in some hellish fire in the Army’s records dept years ago.</p>
<p>One other other random concern/issue when your parents are in decline … please have your parents check/update their legal documents.</p>
<p>My parents had wills, trusts, POA, medical proxies, etc that they set-up in their 60s and were fine then … and have not been updated. In my week from **** a couple weeks ago limitations to both sets up documents became apparent. My Mom’s documents has my Dad set up as guardian, POA, trustee which is fair enough … however, there was no back-up … so when my Dad was hospitalized no one has the legal right to make decisions for my Mom. Even better my Dad’s documents are the same as when he was 60 … his documents name my Mom with no back-up to all the positions of responsibility to care for him … and at this point my Mom is incompetent. Not the best set-up of all time … we have since updated these and got my Mom out of decision making roles. </p>
<p>Along these lines if the patient is the parent who pays the bills and write the checks this should be monitored to see when mistakes start cropping up and when the credit cards need to be taken away and someone else needs to take over the checkbook.</p>
<p>This is not the link I was looking for, but it will give you information on the VA benefits for spouses of veterans - [Aid</a> and Attendance | VA Aid and Attendance](<a href=“http://www.veteransaidbenefit.org/aid_and_attendance_pension_benefit.htm]Aid”>Aid and Attendance | VA Aid and Attendance)</p>
<p>If you need it, start looking into it ASAP!! My brother has been dealing with this for MONTHS now. The VA says it can take 6 months for them to get to your application. Also be careful of groups who offer to fill out the forms for ‘free’, then tell you that you need a trust or this or that. There are some real rackets out there in regards to this benefit.</p>