So sorry for the loss of your dad @cinnamon1212 
I’m glad he had your loving support to see him through.
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Hugs to all of you as you journey to the end with the ones you love. Knowing whatis up ahead rarely makes it easier or less of a loss.
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@cinnamon1212 so sorry for your loss. Were you on your own when he died, or was a hospice person there? Was the morphine helpful?
@cag60093 sorry for what you are going through and for the hoops you had to jump.
I did volunteer training at our local hospice a few years back, and they told us the biggest obstacle to care is the idea that hospice is only for the last days. Death does not have to be imminent. Weight loss is a criterion but there are many others. I am sorry the hospital doctors had the idea that death had to be imminent.
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We were on our own. I was lucky to have my husband and 2 college sons home and staying with my father and I. Plus my Dad’s live in aide, who was a great support. I can’t know if the morphine (and other drugs) helped – I think it did. But having gone through this experience, I am converted to the idea that we should extend the kindness of euthanasia to someone actively dying. I am sure there are widely varying experiences, but seeing how hard my Dad had to work to leave, and after he was unresponsive, I’m just not sure why we have to put someone through that.
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@cinnamon1212 You bring up a good point. When my dad went to the hospital the last time, they did a feeding study on Tuesday. He was told he was aspirating any food and liquids he ate, and he would die if he ate; he replied he would die if he didn’t eat. That night he started hallucinating; Wednesday afternoon the palliative care doctor said we needed to take him home so he could die with dignity. She stated hospitals were a place where one should get better, not to die.
We moved dad Wednesday night and he died Friday morning. I don’t know if the morphine hasten his death, but it made him comfortable. I believe in my heart that he decided on that Tuesday to give up; I hope I was right.
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I feel like I’m posting in all the threads. 
But this is a more specific question to this topic.
How do you deal with siblings who want to micromanage your parent’s situation but want you to provide all the care?
My mom fell at one of my kids house. She wanted to go to her home and since we weren’t sure what was wrong, we took her to her home area. Where all of her doctors are.
My sibling wanted mom to go to our town. They have their own crisis and didn’t offer for mom to come to hers.
I’m with mom as she’s in the hospital and will see her through her placement in a rehab facility. My sibling keeps asking how I can get mom in rehab in my town (or her town, maybe?) 800 miles away from where mom is.
There’s more to the story but sibling is screaming that she needs mom to be somewhere she can get to easily (not my house, because then that would be my responsibility then).
She’s calling mom selfish and all kinds of nonsense. Mom has decided not to answer her phone. And I’m just placating.
Oh, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. My advice is to ignore sibling at this point. Just do what you have been doing, which it seems your mother is on board with. If sibling decides to step up, convince your mom to move to her town for rehab, and makes the arrangements to move her … cool. Otherwise, you are the one doing the heavy lifting, so do what you feel is best. Let sibling know that your mom is capable of making decisions, so sibling will need to address concerns to mom.
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I’m so sorry you are going through this! You hit a nerve for me so I’m not the best person to give advice because I’d tell sister that she’s welcome to step up, fly out, and make the arrangements/care for mom.
Good for your mom for not answering the phone.
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Mom does not have any memory issues and is capable of making decisions. She wants to be where she is right now.
My husband and I are supporting my mom. My sibling seems to think she is the one making the decisions.
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Tell your sister that right now this is what your mother wants to do and since mother is an adult, that’s how it is going to be. It’s not permanent. If it doesn’t work, it can be changed.
Your sister is stressed, as are you all. If she can arrange a place near her, great. Your mother can always move if she has to in a few weeks but for right now this is what mother wants, what her insurance will pay for, what is the most convenient for her and her doctors.
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I’ve been reading your posts and haven’t posted until now. I thought your sister was incredibly selfish to make your D (who just finished chemotherapy) drive over 7 hours so that she could “support her cousin.” Did this cousin come to support your D when she had surgery and during chemotherapy?
EVERYONE placed unreasonable demands on you (except your H, although he did, too, at first, when he expected his parents to ride with you to the Christmas celebration your D demanded).
Unless your sister is going to be the one doing the caregiving, she has no right demanding where your mother goes during rehab.
I suspect there is probably some family history behind her actions. Were you two close growing up? Are you now?
I am curious, though – when the time comes that your mother can no longer live alone, what are the plans? Also, how far away from you does your sister live? Your mother?
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I have an older sister who somehow thinks how she does things are ‘superior’. She also schedules a lot of stuff daily to ‘get done’, which is more important than 5 extra minutes on the phone with me. I have had it with her lack of phone etiquette and always ‘too busy’ - so I choose not to call her anymore (I guess unless someone dies and a phone call is necessary). After we got off the phone - when she told me what was more important than finishing my thought on the phone, I blew up and told her to have a Happy Christmas and New Year and maybe I would be in touch after the new year (by email). After she finished her tasks, she emailed me ‘suggestions’ - so telling me how I can do things like she does. I also had aggressive cancer and health issue - which she acts like I have just gotten lazy with my health. I told her my height and weight before cancer (at age 50). When I was visiting her a few months ago, I kept up with her exercise classes fine. So she doesn’t ‘get it’ and never will.
800 miles away and making all these demands?
Peace and blessings @deb922 as you continue on. You are on the right path.
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Thanks @CTTC, you interpreted the situation correctly. I think what I’m angry about the most is having my daughter drive when it was not necessary.
My sister came for a week to help daughter when her chemo started, daughter had 4 people who helped her during her 4 toughest treatments. My niece did visit between surgery and starting chemo. They are close. But I felt it was selfish when the daughter’s fiancé didn’t want her to drive, when there was an incoming storm and when the cousin had adequate support. For a cancer patient. There will unfortunately be plenty of time for support. Even when it became apparent that mom could not go to sisters, my sister was advocating that she needed daughters “help”.
Other than the first 4 rounds of chemo, my daughter has been going to chemo by herself and her doctors appointments. Her fiancé has been very helpful but the two of them are navigating my daughter’s recovery.
I had a falling out with my sibling when I asked for a personal favor and she wouldn’t do it. There is lots of background but know that I spent much time supporting her family when they were in a crisis. My favor wasn’t a crisis but I still expected that she would do it.
I decided that I couldn’t put myself in the position to be hurt like I was.
@SOSConcern hit the nail on the head with a sibling for whom everything is more important than what you have.
We will figure out what to do if rehab turns into something more permanent. I suspect that my husband and I would move her near us. But we are hopeful that she recovers enough to live at home again. We had already started thinking about her next steps but as many know, we thought she could live on her own for a while longer. Mom does not want to move north. She may not have a choice but let’s see how this goes.
My sister and my mom live hundreds of miles apart. We live hundreds of miles from my sister. My sister wants mom to live somewhere that is convenient for her to get to. It’s expensive to fly to mom’s. Neither of us have homes that would be easy for mom to navigate which was one of the reasons my husband and I thought mom would be better in her own home.
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This should be the end of the conversation. Your mom’s wishes don’t get to be overridden because it isn’t convenient for your sister to visit.
Big hugs! It’s hard enough without the family drama.
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You might want to check out facilities near where she currently lives.
She’s capable of making her own decisions and you are right to respect her wishes.
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This is something I tell my siblings all the time – as long as mom’s requests aren’t outrageous or dangerous then let her have some agency.
I think you are handling it well. I’ll repeat my mantra – When we over-perform, it gives permission to others to under-perform. If sister wants to do all the legwork to find your mom a place near her then fine. Let her do it, and then all involved parties can discuss the options. But don’t let her tell you how to spend YOUR time in a way that’s designed to make her life easier. Y’all may decide that moving your mom close to your sister is the way to go, but then she’ll be the one to deal with the doctors, etc. Sister needs to be careful what she wishes for.
I’m the one who lives farthest from my mom, and it definitely has its drawbacks. Sure, I don’t have to deal with most of the day-to-day stuff, but I also feel like I have to defer to my siblings as I’m not the one who is there. I def would do things differently than they do about some things if I was queen of the world, but I’m not there every day so I zip my lip and let them carry on. I think because I only pop up with strong feelings occasionally they listen when I do.
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I haven’t followed this thread closely. My dad died in March 2020, and we managed his care and passing OK. But my mom is 90 now and is starting to decline cognitively. I can tell it’s really starting to affect my siblings, who live closer to her. My brother doesn’t have kids so I think all this is hardest on him. My parents and his wife are his family. My sister has offered to move in with my mom when the time comes. And the time is starting to feel like it’s coming quickly. Anyway, wanted to introduce myself and my situation to those of you on this thread.
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My MIL remained in the assisted living facility 3 hours from SIL & 13+ hours from us after FIL passed. She had friends in the community where they lived for over 40 years, as well as friends at the AL facility. A few months after the one year anniversary of FIL’s death, she suddenly decided that she needed to move closer to SIL. And she expected it to happen NOW. As a result, she’s not in the ideal place, but she’s content with things as they are. H & his S continue to take their cues from their mom, even when they wish things were different. For example, MIL eats in her room & only rarely leaves it - she has no interest in interacting with other residents or taking part in activities. Her children wish she would be more engaged, but she is adamant that she be able to live out the rest of her life as she wants. Basically, that’s eating mostly junk food (which SIL’s H is more than happy to supply …), watching tv (at a ridiculously high volume …), staying in bed as late as she wants, and saying no to going to family gatherings if she’s not interested (like Christmas). She’s of sound mind, so her wishes are respected, even when the kids aren’t thrilled about them. She is happy in her own way, and SIL has finally learned not to stress about what she can’t change.
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My mom was transferred to the rehab facility yesterday evening.
So far, I think the facility seems nice. The nursing staff is woefully inadequate but hoping after Christmas vacation and this storm, things will get better.
Mom was sassy today and they had her pain under control. The biggest thing is that she can’t get out of bed without assistance so that is a big issue. And the CNA’s do not answer the call! Like I say, I hope it improves.
They are accessing her and we will have a family meeting next week. My sister wanted me to ask the social worker if we can do the meeting on teams or zoom. I told her she can call the social worker directly. 
I’m flying home Saturday morning. I feel terrible but I need to take care of my husband for his recovery. We will come back. Mom’s friends are asking when they can visit.
My biggest issue is figuring out paying the bills. She has none of her bills on auto pay. Or even signed up for on line statements. I can now pay the bills that come in, once I know how much to pay. Hopefully one of her neighbors can bring her the bills and then I can set up an auto payments.
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@deb922, can you get to your mother’s home files before you leave and get copies of her old bills with account numbers so you can set up autopay before the next bill comes in. Or if not autopay, can you set yourself up to look at her accounts online and push pay when due from her checking account?
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