Many utilities allow one time “guest” bill pay. This is how I pay my water/garbage bill and Xfinity bill. Usually it can be done simply by entering the address/phone number associated with the account to locate the amount to be paid on the utility’s e-pay site.
The utility is the one that has me stumped! To sign up for autopay, you need to check a box on the paper bill or fill out a form and mail it in. It’s the one place that isn’t as easy as the other bills.
She really doesn’t have many bills.
My mom is very organized!
All these decisions, I want to put her cable on pause, going to try that today. I don’t think I want to pause the auto insurance.
The POA bill is connected to water and changes every month. I’ll call them and see if I can call and get the amount. Hopefully they are there this week.
And then property taxes? What am I missing? That’s rhetorical, in the end, mom has great friends who can bring her mail and then I can pay whatever pops up.
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In Colorado, property taxes are paid in Feb and May. Of course usually the mortgage holder/servicer pays. And the homeowner insurance.
If your mother pays those things herself, maybe her checkbook has the record of when she paid last year?
I was able to pay the water bill online. On the bill it had a website and two really LONG numbers I had to enter, but it took it.
When I tried to pay Xcel, it wouldn’t take my bank account so I called and they gave me a hard time so I switched the account to my name and then they asked if I’d ever had service, I said I had, and then they charged me a $2.50 fee because they had moved someone else’s bill (from 2016) who had the same name to my new account. I hate them. I went to the autopay account I had opened and they had my mother’s old account number and not my new account number. I hate them. I will hate them more when I get my huge bill for this month when it was below zero for several days.
It’s another one of those things that you never think about until it happens.
I am so fortunate that mom is not having any memory issues and can tell me exactly what is going. Not to say that she doesn’t get confused but she is with it!
I found the book with her internet passwords but the bank password wasn’t there. I asked her and she said, no! I never write that down! It’s in my head! 
@compmom, I am just starting to read posts here again. I am terribly sorry for the loss of your mother, and I think you are the best daughter in existence. She was so lucky for you, and all the love and comfort you gave to her for so very long. I hope you can find some peace and joy in your life now.
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Seems that as long as your mom is where she wants to be, that’s the only priority. Sister can flail and yell as much as she wants, kind of makes me wonder if she’s making a show of how much she cares…without actually doing anything. See how much I care by the fuss I’m making. So sorry!
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I’ve been off this thread for awhile since my dad died in January. It’s still kind of hard to even think about that time (dementia, hospitalization, memory care), he didn’t make it easy. Just like Dad! But my mom is doing much better. She came over for Christmas, and my husband noticed that she’s happier than she’s been in years. No caretaker stress, no complaining, she’s doing great. Very healthy and active, no meds whatsoever, but mild to moderate dementia. She could still take care of herself well, as she’s been living in the same house for 63 years and has her routines. I help with finances.
My niece moved in with her five months ago, which was wonderful. She has social contact now, and I don’t worry about her being alone. However…my niece just decided that this was the time in her life to have a baby. No husband, no money, low paying job and debt. Not an accident, she did this purposefully. My mom initially reacted in a positive, perky way, but now she’s changed her tune. Doesn’t want to be a babysitter (hey, I’m old and I have dementia), is worried about the increased cost of heat (she only heats a few rooms now), and a crying baby being heard by the neighbors (they complained once about my dad yelling). I don’t think there’s anyone else who wants to house the niece and the baby (my husband says absolutely not) and we don’t want to be full time babysitters. This is leaving me with a feeling of what the heck do we do? I’m horrified and stunned. This seems like such a selfish and irresponsible act. I’m worried about my mother, but I don’t want to take responsibility for someone else’s bad decision!
This was a really poor decision on your nieces part just assuming that her living partners and situation could absorb the changes of an infant!
I think you just have to advocate for your mom and have a frank talk with your niece - letting her know the conversation is solely going to be focused on your mom and her home - none of the other factors of this baby and the niece.
My mom loved babies and kids but no way would she have wanted a 24/7 little one in her quiet, routined habitat.
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Great advice, to focus on advocating for my mom. My mom was initially in la-la land, chirping about how my niece had always wanted a baby, and since she often works from home, it would be no problem. And if she left in the evening to do something, the baby would just be sleeping. Uh, no, that’s not how it works! She finally realized that, and is pretty worried. I don’t think someone with dementia should be watching a baby unsupervised. When my dad would yell for too long (like people often do with severe dementia), she would put her hands over his mouth to try to stop him. When I found out, I told her to absolutely never do that, but I think she still did, because she thought she wasn’t pressing hard or affecting his breathing. I am fearful that she would do that with an infant, out of an obsessive concern for the neighbors. It’s probably impossible to have a frank conversation with my niece, as she doesn’t want to hear advice nor anything perceived as criticism, but I do want to tell her these concerns!
I don’t envy any of you in this situation!
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@busdriver11 that is tough. Sounds like you do have to have a conversation with niece. For instance, has she considered that your mom may decline and need more care, need to be moved to assisted living, be hospitalized etc. What happens then? Will you need to sell her house?
I agree that a person with dementia should not be alone with an infant. We all know how demanding babies are when we are in our 30s, it is not something an elderly person may be able to handle 24/7 even if they are in good health.
It sounds like your mom is not charging her rent. Perhaps this is the time to help ease her into the real world and ask for a contribution toward the added heat/water usage?
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Obviously not knowing all the details and nuances – 1. Why wouldn’t niece’s father and/or mother and/or father of the baby to be step up and help niece?
- Again, not knowing every fact, I would think about telling the niece the situation wasn’t going to work for your mom, and that she will have to leave. And then organize someone to come in daily for your mom, or a live in aide, depending on your mom’s needs.
In other words, I’d nip this in the bud.
Eta: if this is a problem, it’s not your problem, or your mother’s problem. This is for the niece to figure out.
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Niece’s parents live 2,000 miles away and are absolutely not interested in taking care of a baby, especially since this isn’t something that happened accidentally, this was purposeful. There has been constant drama in niece’s life, and she’s in her upper thirties, not still in high school. My sis has zero band width for this kind of thing at her stage in life, and I totally get it. Father of the baby says he’ll help financially, but I really doubt he’ll end up contributing at all. I don’t know if my mom would tell niece to leave, as she has nowhere to go, and no money in a very high cost of living area. My mom is fine living on her own right now, especially since I live close enough to see her. It was just a positive that she had daily interaction with someone.
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You may want to reframe your view of your niece getting pregnant as a “selfish and irresponsible act” and “bad decision”. She has made a important adult choice that makes her happy. Please find it in you to show some excitement for the new family member.
On the other hand, if your mother does not want to have an infant in her house, or you feel it would be unsafe, she/you as her spokesperson are completely within right to tell your niece that, giving her enough time to make alternative living arrangements before the baby is born. What will you do when niece moves out, in terms of keeping your mother with mild dementia safe? You need a plan B for your mom, just like your niece needs a plan B for her little family.
I think the heating costs are the least of it- the baby can stay in the mother’s room and no new rooms would need heating, right?
Lots to think about.
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I think my mom would sell the house if she moved into assisted living (though she would not need to) as she would likely get a lot of money for it, it’s in a hot neighborhood in Seattle. She wouldn’t want to keep paying property taxes when she’s not living there, unless she thought she’d go back. She’s already mentioned assisted living recently, though she was very disinterested in it before, likely to get away from the fulltime babysitting scenario fear!
That is a good idea about asking for a contribution. Maybe asking for contribution towards added heat usage would be a step to make my mom feel better. It actually is a ridiculous concern that it might cost a little more to heat up an additional room, because my mom takes in more monthly via pension/SS than she spends, and she has a healthy pad because of a lifetime of penny pinching. Maybe these things just end up working out over time, and I shouldn’t be so concerned, but just focus on helping my mom set clear boundaries.
I am being very careful in what I say to my niece, I would never say anything negative. However, at this point, I’m having a hard time reframing my view. The specific details of this situation are not good.
Yes, it is an important adult choice that makes her happy. It is also irresponsible, selfish and a bad decision. Many things can be true. I think she could be a fantastic mother. I also think this is the same kind of scenario as a 13 year old getting pregnant. I am very conflicted, don’t want to criticize, but don’t want to take responsibility for someone else’s choice. Maybe it will be wonderful, but maybe it will be a disaster. I am very distressed that my poor mother is right in the middle of this.
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Bus driver, my 92 y/o mom just moved to the independent part of a CCRC. She wanted to be free of home and car maintenance and free from cooking dinner. Her mind fortunately is fine. It’s working out great. There are many in her building with some cognitive issues and they have some hired caregiving help. A place like this would give your mom company, and you piece of mind.
An abusive person lived with my brother for awhile. It was very hard to get her out because she had some things (credit card) in her name and his address so she had established residency. Not sure about residency rules where your mom and niece live, but if you want her out, best start early. I had to get a lawyer involved.
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All framed with the mindset that it isn’t a good environment for her child because, well, it isn’t. Or for your mom.
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Maybe this is the thing to get my mom into independent living. I found a place close to me that is perfect for her. But she resisted, because she is just fine and comfortable where she is. I loved having my niece there to keep her company.
I just want the best for everyone. I would love visiting with a baby/toddler/kid every now and then, buying toys for him or her. If only life were so simple.
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Has your mom shared her changed feelings with the niece?