I’m so sorry. Remember stress makes everybody say and do things they never would do in other circumstances. If you have it in you to forgive do so. Take deep breaths and step back. There will be time much later to think about what you want to do with relationships but this is not necessarily the time to make those decisions.
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Excellent advice. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to do anything right now about it.
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Agree that people say and do all sorts of things they wish they hadn’t. Seeing it as information not confrontation makes things simpler, now, when there’s so much to decide.
You can always be estranged later if that makes sense, but think of staying connected now as a gift to yourself. You have a lot to deal with already. I have found saying “okay, why would you see it that way” or even “is there something scaring you”? very helpful. I am the far away sibling and we have our own heartbreaks to manage and I appreciate how my sibs have listened. But I get that ymmv. Hang in there
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It helps knowing that this SIL always has been a little unstable and jealous/resentful of me. For instance, when I lose weight she makes negative comments about my appearance. 
The oddest thing that she said to me this time is that my relationship with my sister isn’t as good as I think it is, which obviously is designed to make me believe/realize that my sister is bad-mouthing me behind my back. I don’t think my relationship with my sister is that good to start with so its not like this is earth-shattering info, but it was said in such a biting way that it surprised me. I’ll see them all in two days when I go back so we’ll see how it goes.
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@Youdon_tsay that is called triangulation. I stay away from people who do that. Very destructive. You have to deal with family members due to your mom. You can be free to choose after she is gone. It’s hard!
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Yep. And she’s a master at it. I refuse to get pulled in, which I think is even more frustrating for her.
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Going through the same @Youdon_tsay. It’s super frustrating.
My husband finally said that I need to limit contact.
Also if there is a way to place blame on me, it’s always an answer. My mom is a master of doing the same. I told her that she is 84 years old and no one can force her to make the decision that led to her fall.
But things are going well for my moms move to IL. A few rough days but the movers are coming Sunday and she will move there in a week after her discharge from rehab.
All in all, her recovery has gone so much better than we could have expected.
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We are currently visiting MIL. SIL, who is the one living near her & helping her on a regular basis, asked us to help move things out of her assisted living space in order to clear paths & make room for some new additions (oxygen for “just in case” & a commode that she will eventually need to use when she gets up at night). I have no issue making suggestions, because at this point, MIL isn’t focused on the furniture and knickknacks. SIL is sentimental about everything, never parts with anything, and has a house stuffed with things she really doesn’t need. So this isn’t going well! We have a couple more days to try to get her used to the idea of culling some stuff. I’m sure she’ll put it in her basement or one of the two storage units she rents … so if for some reason MIL suddenly “needs” her desk or the photo albums she hasn’t looked at since she moved in, they can be retrieved. When things don’t bring comfort or joy, and when they are in the way, it’s time to “rotate them out.” But it’s not my mom, so I’m just watching H try to handle it.
Be very careful of O2—it can of course be a trip hazard, especially with tubing and O2 source.
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What’s so hard, everyone is upset and some sibling or other may become a scapegoat, even if in reality there is no one to blame.
If you do get O2, please ask for GREEN tubing because it’s more visible than the clear tubing. Also ask for the SOFT cannula.
Medicare requires that patients meet criteria to qualify for O2. The provider has to test and certify that patient meets criteria. I would never recommend any to have it lying around “just in case.” If and when it is needed, the O2 delivery company is obligated to get it to the patient immediately.
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I was a bit surprised to see the oxygen just sitting in the room. SIL was sick yesterday, so we didn’t get to talk face to face. She plans to come to MIL’s today, and we will talk about the oxygen.
MIL did such a good job staying awake yesterday. Her aide was just finishing her shower when we arrived, and she helped us get MIL to the dining room for lunch (she has only eaten outside her room once in recent months). The aide is assigned to the AL facility by the hospice, which surprised us. She is incredible. She is committed to trying to get MIL to live her life while she’s still alive.
MIL wants to go out to lunch today. She hasn’t been out other than a short trip to see my nephew get married (very casual, no reception) at the end of December. She didn’t even leave for Thanksgiving or Christmas. If we get her out, it’ll be amazing!
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My dad has been on 02 24/7 for over a year now. He has both a stationary unit at their home, and a portable unit. He absolutely refuses to use the portable at home, so he drags yards and yards and yards of tubing around the house. How Mom has not tripped is a miracle. He is convinced the portable is unreliable – an idea unsupported by facts-- so he uses it in the car, plugged in to the dash, to get to appointments, etc. When they return home, there’s a mad dash to get in the house and plug in to the stattionary unit (which is always a circus bc he tries to wear both canulla, among other mishaps)
Local Sibling and I have agreed this is not a hilltodie on. Preferred sibling has continued to try and coax Dad to do more physically (his pulmo wants this) but we continue to see him tethered by choice.
I’ve had O2 for over a decade. If your dad needs someone to talk to about his O2, i’d be happy to confer with him and refer him to a community of people who know a lot about supplemental O2. I don’t need nor use mine 24/7 but DO use it for sleeping, altitudes and strenuous exercise.
My portable concentrator is very reliable and goes with me when i travel. It is a workhorse. My portabke is able to produce continuous flow or pulse dosing. Continuous flow provides much more O2.
I will send you a DM so you can email me if your dad needs more support.
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Have any of y’all had experience with “sharing” your parents? I’m happy to care full time for my mom in my home, but my sibs would never go for it. What I am offering – several days every month at mom’s home, which is 3+ hours from mine – apparently isn’t enough in their eyes, even though that’s what I did for our dad and they were delighted with that setup. I’m thinking of making a counteroffer – taking her in my home for a week each month. That way they can REALLY get a respite, and I can care for her here, with dh, and I can take her to see relatives who live much closer to me. Thoughts?
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That is a generous offer!
How does your mom do with change? At the later stage of my mom’s dementia she would have been much too confused to be out of her normal space/routine.
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That’s the big question. She gets out of rehab today, and we’ll see how she does at home. Will it help her “confusion”? No idea. Lots of time in the hospital she said she was at my house anyway. She’s pretty easy so I think it would be OK. I guess we would see.
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I guess I’m selfish, but I would decide what I’m comfortable with and tell them my offer.
That’s what I did with the four/five days a month there. This is my compromise. If they don’t accept it, it’s the four/five days a month plan.
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With my mother’s dementia, that would have been confusing and upsetting. She really needed the same room and bed and routine all the time. But everyone is different. Do other family members understand this could be hard?