I’ve found that my sibling thinks about how to make things easier for her. I think about what is best for mom even if it’s not exactly what I want. I try really hard to put myself in my moms place and do what is best for her. Not what mom wants exactly but what is the best choice for her. Not what is easiest for me.
I didn’t know that this part of aging was going to be the hardest, trying to listen to all sides.
I’ve also found that some relatives gets their undies in a bunch about stuff that doesn’t really matter.
This wasn’t directed towards your dilemma @Youdon_tsay but just a general observation and vent
No, they don’t. That’s part of the problem. And their solution is for me to uproot my life to give them what they think is enough of a break to make this unsustainable plan work. None of them is in good health. My sister was in the ER in January, and my SIL was there last week. Mom has enough money to hire help, but they refuse to do that. We are all committed to keeping her at home, but I think they are unrealistic about how draining this is going to be on all of us. I’ve told them that I’m not going to kill myself and I don’t want them to either, but I can only control me. Today, she got out of rehab. There have been some snags. I asked my sister what mom has eaten today. Nothing. “She said she’s not hungry.” That’s exactly what happened the day before she fell – my brother let her skip lunch, and my sister let her skip dinner. I don’t understand what about the fact that mom lacks good judgment and we have to make decisions on her behalf they don’t understand. Before my mom’s mom died, the sibs each took turns caring for her in their homes, and I know tons of people who have done that. I think it’s a perfectly reasonable solution. They can tag-team up there where they all live, and then once a month she comes to me and they get a break.
I don’t know much about your mom. I will say, if my mother didn’t want to eat, noone made her eat. We did pleasure eating: a couple of bites of something she liked.
I would think- and again I don’t know any of you- that going from house to house would be extremely stressful and disorienting for your mother. I just cannot imagine. Division of labor with her kids’ needs in mind seems misguided: the focus should be on her needs.
Why are you all committed to her being at home? She could hire help but that gets really expensive. Is there any chance or usefulness in her going into assisted living? She can maintain independence that way and stay safe. Just wondering.
My mom was stubborn about eating too and we went through a period where she would only eat what I would cook (and my dad was amazing in the kitchen). I would end up making extra batches of her favorites whenever I was there and my dad would tell her I made it and then she’d typically eat at least a little bit. Interestingly she regained her appetite when she went to memory care and gained back all the weight she lost. I think she liked the restaurant atmosphere.
Because not everyone will agree on what is "reasonable. " It is very fortunate when a parent and all siblings agree on what is the best course when a parent starts declining and it’s not unusual that people have their own perspective and ideas on what should happen. It can be very stressful .
I feel like I have the potential to fixate on my folks’ eating. They often forget to eat lunch at all (she gets weepy, he gets hangry) and we are like “soooo, did you eat lunch today?”
Even when they do, it is likely to be just a sandwich. She will eat egg salad on a 100-cal sandwich thin, that’s it. When she makes dinner, she is always too tired to actually do more than reheat soup, despite having a refrig/freezer full of convenience food we’ve supplied them (she says she’s “saving” it). Siblings bring them dinner once week. They refuse Meals in Wheels vociferously.
So when I am there, I cook full meals and they both are all “we can’t eat all that” and I turn around and it is all gone, devoured. I understand they are wary of food and it’s consequences. Their doctor has observed my father is underweight; unhelpfully his app churns out my mom is overweight but she is not – it’s just as her spine collapses and she loses height, her bmi changes. But now she feels embarassed.
I wish doctors dealt with this sort of stuff more.
Her moving into any kind of facility is simply a non-starter in this family. It just is. No used arguing about it or trying to change minds. My goal is to how to accomplish this desire on everyone’s part to avoid a facility and no one losing their minds/health over it. Personally, I think she could do well in the right kind of place, but my sibs simply would never let it happen.
My MIL was in an ASL community that had a step-up track, but she died while still in her duplex, living independently other than a daily meal in what I affectionately termed the “big house.” She was a mile down the street from her daughter so lots of supervision. I think my mom would love it there – they have bingo – but I would be wasting time and energy to advocate for that with my brother and sister.
I’m not sure how moving her into assisted living would be less expensive than hiring some help.
ETA: About eating … my mom has been that way her whole life. “I’m not that hungry” because I think she thinks that’s how ladies are supposed to act. But you get food in front of her and she’ll chow down. Just not letting her eat all day isn’t an option, IMO.
Before my father died, we had a live-in aide, hired through an agency. It cost $12,000/month. My mother just moved into assisted living, and it costs a little less than $9,000/month.
My father had very high needs (could barely walk, couldn’t shower/dress himself for the last year etc, and in that case, I firmly believe being at home, with one on one care is much, much better than a place where 1 staff person has 7 patients. That’s where they get propped in a wheelchair for hours on end.
On the other hand, my mom, with Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, needs little help with activities of daily living. She felt isolated and lonely in the cottage with my dad. So for her, assisted living at a place specializing in dementia patients, has been the best solution. The dementia has made her an unhappy and angry person, but she’s least unhappy in assisted living.
It really depends on the person, their needs, and their personality.
My mom can do all the ADLs. She’s really strong physically. We wouldn’t need full-time care. I think 15-20 hours/week would more than suffice. I feel we just need a professional who can help with various tasks, like monitoring her medicine, and giving mainly my siblings some relief.
My sister never married and always lived with my parents. She wanted my mother at home , even as she had declined . I went with the flow and deferred to her as I was the out of state daughter (even though i visited for weeks at a time to help deal with things in my mother’s last few years). Even my sister has said more than once since my mother died that we would have had to place her somewhere outside her home if she had lived much longer, and she did live into her late 80’s. Sometimes adult children do change their minds about the need for care outside the home. A very stressful few years dealing with the decline of both mother and mother in law at the same time. I feel for those of you still going through this.
I hope you’re right about them changing their minds. She’ll be 91 in April and, like I said, is healthy as a horse, physically. I wouldn’t be surprised if we have years ahead of us.
The food/eating issues are something I never thought about with aging parents until now. My 93-year-old dad has no teeth in part because he always neglected his oral hygiene and grew up with no flouride in the water, but also because, before he was diagnosed with a cancerous sinus tumor, he embarked upon a very ambitious reconstructive permanent bridge procedure that I, had I known about it, would have vetoed. He can’t go under anaesthesia because of his advanced age (93) and he can’t tolerate hours of open-mouthed surgery. I am very angry at the Mayo Clinic prosthodontics department for allowing him to go through with this. They took out his teeth, fixed implant bases, but now he is basically toothless and he cannot tolerate the artificial plates they made for him. This is just one small part of his overall deterioration. Why they just didn’t give him conventional dentures is beyond me. He can’t manage the snap-in bridge and the hygiene is too much for him. Sometimes the “latest thing” is not good. Sometimes I think the focus is too much on “what we can do” and not what “what can the patient do.”
I really tuned into your “12k” month for life in hell. A friend of mine whose mom os in AL - memory care? Is 94 and the my friend works in insurance. She posted this article and said when the family was weighing - and trying - to keep her mom in her home the # seemed to be $12k/month - just in doable for them. AL is thousands less monthly.
These cost quotes are really eye-opening. My Dad’s assisted living is $345 a day including food. The next level, “Supportive Living,” is something like $400 a day, or 146K a year. I’m pretty sure I will not be able to afford this for me or my husband. I am very happy that my Dad has money but if he lives to be 100 we will have a problem. At this point I am glad that Dad will not be dying on the floor. That will probably be our fate at this rate.
I’m bombing this thread because I have the opportunity now to do so. I spent five weeks in Dec/Jan with my Dad in his continuing care residence taking him to cancer treatments and moving him out of his independent apartment into assisted living. I have taken over financial administration for him (I took his checkbooks, arranged for electronic bill paying, I have financial power of attorney-that was a real bear, he didn’t want to give it to anyone). My sister has taken responsibility for closing up his apartment and moving his stuff (huge responsibility) and coordinating his medical issues, like arranging for escorts to appointments when we can’t be there. I will be going back out to MN in March to do his taxes during my spring break. I just wonder how long he can stay in assisted living before they decide he needs to move to supportive living. Sometimes Dad is sharp and aware, and sometimes he is very confused. I will say that I am very blessed that my sister and I get along and work well together.
I may have missed this earlier, but why don’t your sibs let your mom move in with you fulltime, since you are willing?
Since they don’t want that, whatever you offer to give them respite should be enough. They can take it or leave it.
Regarding the cost of in-home care for elders who need a lot of care, the situation for so many is that one child (usually a D) is bullied into doing it. Often this is done to “save the inheritance.” In some cases, this is the result of lifetime grooming for just that situation. And many times the other sibs do little to nothing. So one sib is the 24/7/365 caregiving slave while the others get to continue living their lives. The slave often says things like, “I am doing the ‘right’ thing” and “At least I can look myself in the mirror” and “My sibs will regret it once Mama/Daddy is gone.” No, they will not regret it. And the slave often forgets that Dear Mama and Daddy had a part in raising all the selfish sibs to be the way they are. ETA: This is often the situation on a caregiving message board I visit. I realize that the posters here are more educated and wealthier in most cases. In the article shared above, that geriatric NP never mentioned the situation where one child is forced into caregiving, because the parent either can’t qualify for Medicaid or the family refuses to put them in a facility.
CCRC’s have independent, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing on one campus. I have heard the argument that it is better to go in younger, while still able to do activities and form friendships. Many wait until the person is unable to do ADL’s to use a facility.
My mother preferred to go to assisted living because it left her more independent. I had a job as a companion once and I always felt sorry for the 93 year old that she had to converse with me! I did her meds and cooked, did laundry and took her out to eat or for drives. She never got to be by herself!
@greebutton I have 7 spinal fractures. They reduce space inside and I literally do not have enough room for anything other than a small meal, so I eat more frequently. This may be relevant for many elderly too, though I think appetites decrease for all.
The description of you mom’s meals sounds exactly like me! I might have a sandwich with one small piece of bread for lunch, and I reheat soup all the time for dinner! I can only handle a granola bar for breakfast.
These costs are real. My father has basically gone through $1.2 million (proceeds from the sale of his home) over the past few years. Assisted living plus daily “companion aides”. He was spending like $40,000 a month. Now he will be going to a Medicare funded nursing home.