Different topic - my mom, like many elderly people, gets a lot of spam on her phone, text, email, etc. If she has any doubt she asks me, but I came very very close to getting taken in today and I wanted to warn others. She got an email purportedly from McAfee saying her subscription had been automatically renewed for $349. At the bottom was a 800 type number to call within 24 hours if you wanted to cancel and your money refunded. At first glance the invoice looked fine, nothing misspelled and of course the amount was so large my first instinct was to say call them right now and get them to refund! It took me a minute to look more closely - it wasnât addressed to her personally (just customer # â-), the return email was a nonsense gmail and the invoice had no mcafee logo. So I had to call her and say DONâT call that number - I shiver to think - Iâm sure they would have asked for name, address, credit card # and who knows what else when she called to âcancelâ. So just a warning if you have parents who are computer literate but not totally savvy - I almost got taken in by this one â
I hate that so much! My dad almost fell for a few of those when he was still alive too. Awful that there are people who pray on others this way.
If you have a minute, you may want to cut and paste this for the scams youâve encountered thread too: Scams You've Encountered - #763 by MaineLonghorn
I will try to remember once Iâm on a computer and not my phone! Unless someone knows how to quote from a phone - I can only do it on my laptop.
No worries!
My MIL has a Jitterbug phone. I have been blown away by the number of spam texts and calls she gets. Itâs been constant. My SIL handles her phone, so I donât know where she purchased it or what carrier she uses. But I was so concerned about her falling for some scam that I told her to just ignore all texts she receives. I told her not to answer unless she recognizes the number. Seriously, though ⊠why does the family member with the phone made for old folks get more spam than any of the rest of us, combined?
Because the demographic of a burner phone or a senior phone is older folks who might get confused.
My mom is savvy about the âhelp grandma Iâm stuck and need moneyâ one, but gets worried about the electric company spam. we always tell her to just ignore anything that isnât from family.
If to âkeep moving forwardâ means accepting terrible verbal and even physical abuse, that is not okay in my book. It is also not okay for people to tell other people how they should feel.
If my mother upset me during her dementia years, I would go for a walk. Then go back. She would always forget what happened and we would resume.
I think a lot of childhood triggers would be set off at times but it was no longer possible to discuss or resolve, so I had to rely on her forgetting and me serially forgiving, which was hard. Sometimes I would even shake!
Pulling kindness out of the hat in these situations is challenging. Now that she is gone, I am glad that I always went back.
My workplace had a seminar about Caregiving that I attended, and the takeaway is that the primary caregiver is really mad at their siblings.
So as the not-local , not retired sibling â what advice do caregiving siblings have? DH and I have done what we are able to from a distance, and never second guess them. My siblings havenât made any sort of indication that we are doing it wrong, but now I wonder if maybe we are?
(Amended to add what we do : I handle ordering and re-ordering household stuff, hospital stays, doctor interactions, and am my momâs Anger Magnet. We also have sent my sibs small gifts just to say âooof you have the harder partâ. I call my mom regularly and report anything important to Local and Preferred sib)
I canât speak for a caregiving sibling, because I havenât been one. I did bear the brunt of the long distance daily phone calls with my parents when my mother suffered from dementia, but I could not have shared that with my brothers ⊠we all lived far from our parents ⊠and our parents picked me, the only girl, as the one to call.
My H, though, has a sister who is bearing the burden of taking care of their mom. Although he has told her numerous times that he wants to help out, he is not allowed to do so. He was supposed to handle finances, but his mom decided to switch that to his sister, who did not protest. When we visit, his sister still comes daily, rather than taking a few days for herself. Little things happen that remind H he isnât welcome to help. For example, his momâs hearing aids werenât working properly. His sister insisted that only her H could fix them. She called him, and it was a very stressful interaction between them. He told her to bring them home & he would work on them. That would have meant that H & I would spend most of our final time with his mom hearing aid-less. He told his sister to wait a day. After she left, he fixed them. The next afternoon, his BIL was very passive aggressive about the fact that H dared to do âhisâ job.
H is very grateful for everything his S and BIL do for his mom. He thanks his S all the time, and he always makes sure to offer to come sooner than our scheduled visit if she needs a break. Thatâs all he can do, and if his S is secretly resentful, I guess thatâs the way it is (for now, anyway).
Iâve been lurking here for a couple of weeks listening to what being remote with one set of aging parents and local with the other may start to look like for us soon. Iâve wanted to hug every post but there arenât enough emojis. I guess the hearts will have to suffice. I canât contribute anything (yet), but I will be a ghost in this room thankful for all your stories and advice. Due to recent events (both sides), I know we will be facing hard and sad times sooner rather than later. This thread is showing me there are no easy ways through this time of life, just better/worse ways to prepare, react, and endure. God bless every one of you going through these times and those of you who are willing to dredge up your own (often painful) experiences to help others.
As the full time caregiver (despite the AL) in a family with three other siblings, I did two things. 1) I basically kept a daily diary via email to siblings and 2) we agreed my mother would pay my rent, which was $1500. I handled all medical stuff, daily visits, colostomy, ordering, paying bills and preparing for tax accountant etc. I had P of A and invoked proxy.
I am not left with anger, my siblings donât feel guilty, and my mother considered me her âassistantâ so she still felt like the boss. I know I saved the family more than that just doing the colostomy but the symbolic- and helpful- rent payment helped us all.
My mom and I didnât have a great relationship for most of my life. She wasnât a âbadâ mom in any conventional sense, but she often did things that were hurtful to me (ex: gave my sibs money for down payments on their homes, but she didnât give me anything 
). Iâm SOOO thankful that I reached a good place with her a few years ago. I have done the work on myself to be able to extend grace to her so my advice to the lurkers and people who arenât quite here yet is to try to heal the wounds with your family and within yourself so that they donât get in the way of whatâs to come, which is hard enough even without the childhood baggage.
Upthread I mentioned a blistering convo with my SIL, my brotherâs wife. She brought up all kinds of things that I donât remember at all â something about $6 and another thing about dinner rolls, etc. She sounded nuts. But she has held on to these supposed transgressions on my part for 20 or 30 years? Why is she stuck there with me? We are in our 60s, lady. Move on! But when I think about it, that couldâve been me five years ago, still holding on to real and perceived slights. Iâm so much happier that Iâve let it go, which allows me to treat my on-site sibs with more tenderness and compassion.
As a non-local sib, this thread and everyoneâs stories have settled my feelings about my dad leaving my middle (local) sister the house she lives in. Sister pays below-market rent to Dad, and he credits it to the purchase price. When Dad passes, she gets the house free and clear. He still lives independently; she stops by daily, helps with shopping and doctors as needed. Dad still drives, but no longer after dark.
The next task I face is to help my remaining sibs come to a similar equanimity, even though they also travel to Dadâs regularly to help maintain and repair the house. I know my parents have helped local sis financially over many years, but sheâs doing the daily work now, and will be there when things get harder. My late brother would have raised all kinds of ruckus about middle sis getting the house, and I know my other two sibs will feel hurt. I just donât think holding that anger will help our relationships down the road.
Said middle sis is also the executor as well. This is where her getting the house will get ugly, esp if thereâs very little left in his estate. The money wouldnât change much in my life, but it would make a difference to my other sibs. (Weâre not talking a lot; they just have debts and little savings.) Iâve seriously considered giving my share to my other two sibs to acknowledge their help with Dad.
Sigh.
I was/am the local child. I mostly donât resent it, but every once in a while I reach a breaking point and ask my sibling to something I canât deal with (calling the cable company, walking my mom through changing her google password, whatever). Half the time I end up having to do it anyway but Iâm grateful when I donât. As a distant sib I would just listen and if there is something like that you can grab and do - do it. They seem like small things but they really add up.
We have kept our home phone and DH and I each have our own cell phone. Our home phone for a while had gotten a lot of calls - and then it ceases until either election time, or time for Medicare open enrollment. We keep a home phone because I like talking on it better than the cell, and have doctor offices etc. call that number - if we are not home, we have an answering machine.
My cell phone has gotten up to 12 to 15 spam calls/day - usually the phone will say âspamâ or âsuspected spamâ â and then I block. So it seems recently that number of spam calls is down.
I donât get many texts. However my cell phone number, over 20 years ago, belonged to a guy named Edward that had debt/bad debt. I would get calls and also texts â I would tell them Edward doesnât have this number. As some of you know, there are collectors that âbuyâ debt, like 5 cents on the dollar and continue to try to collect the debt. Unless Edward went through bankruptcy and listed all his debt, some of that debt can eventually be collectible with interest etc. If I got a text talking to Edward, I would detail a response that this no longer is Edwardâs cell number and it wasnât his after 2002.
FIL on his home phone would keep these spam callers on the phone long - like the ones wanting one to send money. He figured he was tying them up to not make calls to others and he had all the time to waste on this. FIL did get âtakenâ once - and gave his Discover card number. He recognized after the call that he made a mistake, and he didnât lose the $249 charge. He learned his lesson and just would hang up on these callers after that. MILâs cell phone had family numbers programmed in, and would not answer any other callers; she didnât use text.
My father has been in this rehab facility for over 5 weeks now. He calls today saying he has no charger for his cell phone. I think he is confused, as he has been able to call me repeated times every day since he got there. I call the place and they say yes, his charger never came with him (I think it was with him at the hospital, must have gotten lost.) The staff has been helping him out by charging his phone for him when they can.
Of course, I just ordered one via Amazon and it it on its way. I wish somebody had called to tell me this a month ago, he would have had less stress these past weeks!
The father could have told you. I worked in rehab, and typically the CNAs are in the patient rooms the most - and they probably accommodated his phone charging. This may not have been known by the medication or charge nurse - and they also may figure a patient who talks to family often would say something about this directly to them. If the father had said something, like âI need a chargerâ to the nurse, she maybe could have made the call to the ârightâ relative. However rehab gets a range of patient/family situations, and sometimes several contact people.
A phone charger is the most left behind thing in hotel rooms.
I think you covered everything you can do realistically. Iâll tell you though that it is a relief just to not have to be the one who constantly has to figure out doctor appointments etc and sit on hold. Thatâs a big help right there. Itâs not that itâs hardâbut it can be draining. Or when something happens at the house like âneed a plumberâ it wouldâve been nice to have someone do a bit of work in phone calls or just internet searches with possible leads.
The entire thing is weird to me. Early in his stay, I couldnât get through to him. It seemed like his charger was not plugged in. I spoke to somebody at that time (canât remember if it was nurse or recreation director) and asked to have them check that his charger was there and working. I never heard back and his phone was fine from then on. My father is admittedly often confused (his nurse confirmed this yesterday). He has called me over the last several weeks to complain about many, many things - the food, them not answering quick enough when he buzzes, etc. He never mentioned the phone charger before today.