@esobay im sure you didn’t mean to reply to me…my mom wasn’t the one who hid the jewelry!
My mom was someone who would hide money. And told us many times, “if something happens to me, be sure you check everywhere - under the mattress in the picture frames…”.
Well when she died I did exactly that. No stone or picture frame left unturned - and she has SO many of those! Found nothing in any unusual place except for 10 new $100 bills in the a file box where she kept her paid bills and such. She was known for giving all the grandkids a crisp $100 bill for Christmas. She died mid-November unplanned so we decided maybe she had meant these for Christmas. And that’s what we did - gave them each one last crisp bill from Grandma.
I always wonder if somehow, somewhere I missed some hidden cash of hers!!!
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Well, the long term insurance company finally figured out that Dad is doing too well to have a care giver, so they won’t reimburse him any of her salary. He has decided to pay her for 10 hours a week and then he and my sister are trying to find more work for her. She has been so wonderful that they feel obligated to help her. I guess her usual situation is losing clients when they pass away, so this is different!
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Right, thumper1, I don’t get on CC to reply much anymore and hit the first reply button I saw. It was a general comment in the current conversation.
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This conversation reminds me of my stepmother, whose care I managed along with my father’s. When she could still talk, one day she said: You are SO GOOD to us! Could you tell me again how we know you?
I replied: You know Sol? He’s my daddy.
She replied: NO!!! He can’t be your daddy, he’s MY daddy!
Oy! Sometimes I just had to laugh. And what a great story that was!
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Oh, gosh, that sounds like my mom. 100 years old with dementia, living in memory care – most of the time when I would visit she’s ask “Are you my mommy?” At first I would tell her “No, you’re MY mommy” but when she kept asking, I just said “Yes, I’m your mommy”. That seemed to satisfy her 
.
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Hey, whatever works!
Got a call this evening from my father’s rehab place that they moved him to another floor/room. They cited an issue with a roommate (the rooms are doubles). I am sure it is my father’s fault, probably related to him being up all night last night (proven by the 2 dozen voice messages he left on my phone between midnight and 4:30 am - which thankfully since he was blocked did not wake me up).
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@kiddie does your father have an emergency button around his neck, and does he push that? My mother progressed to doing both the phone calls AND pushing the emergency button over and over again. It drove staff crazy because they were required to respond, and often left someone else in the shower to come running. She would push it 20 times in an evening.
She introduced me as her “mother” a lot and honestly, it felt appropriate!
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In the assisted living, he had a button on a cord - he would press that repeatedly when he wanted help and sometimes scream “Help me”. In the hospital, he would press the button and when they didn’t reply fast enough he would call me to make them come faster. I honestly don’t know the exact situation in the rehab he is in. I assume some kind of button on a cord. He has called me a few times when they haven’t responded quick enough to him pressing the button. They told me early on, they get him out of his room for as much of the day as possible, because he was trying to leave the bed by himself, which was dangerous. He is safer in a public area in a wheelchair.
When my dad was in the hospital after hip replacement surgery, they had to secure him to the bed when they found him trying to go to the toilet by himself. Also he was hallucinating like crazy–when I visited, he kept screaming at my stepmother who, of course, was back at their house with an aide.
(After one dose of Haldol, he slept it off and was fine 2 days later.)
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I finally caught up reading this thread. Sending out hugs to all of you involved with the care of your parents and in-laws.
My mom died one month ago, today. I almost posted about it a couple times, but then wasn’t ready.
I cared for her for almost ten years in my home. The last six involved 24/7 complete care of every need. She had vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s.
She spent her final three months in a nursing home, which was heartbreaking for me. I visited daily except for a few days. I could not take care of her when she suddenly stopped standing and walking.
She was on hospice the final three weeks. No one expected her to pass away when she did. I had just visited with her for a couple hours earlier that day.
My emotions are all over the place. I have three siblings, and none provided any care or help. (One sibling has been ill many years and understandably was unable to help - but did provide some emotional support.) When I did ask for specific help or input, I’d get crickets.
Having mom live here for ten years means I feel like I lost an elderly child. I see remnants of her everywhere I turn. Her bedroom, bathroom, chair at the kitchen table, medicine cabinet, laundry, favorite foods in the cabinets, special garage garbage can for her personal care. At least I had a few months to adjust to her not living here, but I’d fixed her room, anticipating bringing her back.
I had pre-planned and paid for her funeral, but the family members wanted to change it all, so I went along with their wishes. Now I wish I hadn’t. Or maybe it’s just another reason for me to be mad at them. I can’t tell yet.
Now I’m working through her final paperwork, accounts, etc., and wonder when I’ll finally grieve without the added complications?!
I identify with a lot of the conversation surrounding dementia patients saying horrible things, and as their child, having a hard time not getting hurt feelings. We had some pretty intensely bad moments. Luckily, there were some sweet moments, too.
I thought I’d be mostly done grieving by the time she passed, but I’m surprised how much I miss my mom. But I miss the part that’s been gone for quite a while, as if she was still there at the end.
It’s weird to suddenly not be responsible for another person 24/7 after so many years. I’m not entirely sure what to do with myself.
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I’m joining this thread even though I’m the inlaw DIL.
My MIL is 90. She lives in her own house. One relative lives nearby. Getting help that is agreed upon has been challenging.
So…we are now at the point that when that close relative goes on vacation, others are being asked to come there (it’s not closeby, but we will help) to stay there. There are two 10 day trips coming up. DH will do part of each…I think.
It’s viewed as essential that a family member be there.
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I have no doubt that you feel an enormous hole in your routine and life! So sorry to learn of your moms passing. 
. You gave above and beyond for her.
You’ll miss her…forever! But now it’s time for you to start a new chalet for you. (Even in the midst of all the estate paperwork!)
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@psychmomma I am so sorry. I have always admired your dedication and awed at your keeping your mother at home for so long.
I have been doing bereavement counseling through hospice. Is that available to you? It is affirming to know that grief over many months or even a couple of years is normal, even for loss of a person in their 90’s with dementia.
I have been saying that I feel like I lost a child. Exactly what you expressed. I think the physical aspects of care: washing, applying lotion, brushing hair, really does resemble the care of a small child and leaves us with confusing feelings of loss.
As the months go by the images in my head of my mother are slowly reverting to the mother who was not elderly. For some reason that helps.
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What does the close relative do on a daily (?) basis for MIL? How many other siblings are there, and are they all committing to equal time when the close relative is away?
Is paid help unacceptable? I guess so, since it’s essential that a family member be there. Does that mean always there? (Does the close relative live with MIL?)
The close relative lives five minutes away…and yes, paid help is only acceptable on a limited basis. The close relative checks on on MIL everyday for a short time. Makes sure she is eating, taking meds, etc.
There are a bunch of siblings. Everyone is willing to chip in when they can…but sometimes they just can not because of scheduling issues. Let’s just say, if the close by relative asked before scheduling vacations, it might be easier for the others…because they could tell when they are available.
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@psychmomma I am very sorry for your loss. I know how you sacrificed for her care. You did everything possible and be proud of that.
Of course, everyone grieves differently, but for me and my Mom with vascular dementia (she didn’t live with me, we had her in assisted living then memory care for 5 years) I still am processing her life and history and she has been gone 5 years. I think it is closer to home right now because my Dad (they were divorced) died last year. Stirred up all sorts of things. Including being not in charity with my brother (who allowed venting about Mom, but didn’t help a lot) and his wife. Dad lived with them for 7 years and SIL kicked Dad out to Assisted Living because she didn’t want him dying in her home . I called both of them every day since I didn’t live near. Missed calling Mom even when she couldn’t really talk. REALLY miss Dad because he had all his mind left at the end. ANYWAY, enough about me. YOU did great. Hopefully hospice or other grief counseling can give you some support. If you are mad at your siblings then they are not the support you need.
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Deepest condolences @psychmomma – her condition was/is/will be such a long loss for you.
Also sorry about the situation with your siblings. If I’m reading it correctly, they weren’t there to help when you needed it (for whatever reason; I get one of them is ill) but felt free to be the ones defining funeral arrangements? Really hurtful, almost dismissive. Definitely get your mad on there; I’ll hold your coat.
And, finally, not knowing what to do with yourself, you nailed it exactly. My mother died two years ago and I’m still somewhat unmoored. Lots of hugs to you.
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So, so, so sorry for your loss, @psychmomma. I also really and truly admire you for keeping your mother in your home for so long. I had my dad and stepmother with me for 12 days when they had no power in their home and it was the hardest thing I ever did.
I found that it took me about a year to process what I had been through with my dad and his wife, and how truly taxing the last couple of years were. They both died in 2014 and I don’t really remember when I could think of them without feeling guilty and angry (especially at my sibs and at my stepmother’s son) and a zillion other emotions. I was not perfect; I did the best I could; it was good enough; and, most important, we can’t change the past. My sincerest hope for you is that you gain perspective faster than I did. Today is the first day of the rest of your life–it’s really true!
xoxoxoxoxo
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