Please accept my deepest condolences. I really admire how devoted you were to your mom and how you cared for her for a long time. Since her passing was so recent, it’s completely understandable how you are feeling. Please give yourself time. Hugs to you.
I too lost my dad with vascular dementia about 2 months ago who also was on home hospice his last month. I too helped daily to care for my dad, along with my mom. When I left them each day, I felt guilty how relieved I felt leaving their home on especially stressful days. I had a choice to leave which my mom did not. The fact that you cared for her in your home for 10 years is truly admirable. Many people can’t or won’t do it. Some of my friends felt I was “shouldering” too much and maybe it will be better for dad if he went to a nursing facility. I know they meant well with their advice, but that was not the best option for my dad or my mom who would have felt so guilty.
I too have siblings and one who caused a lot of unnecessary grief over things over the years and up to the very last days and post funeral service. Reflecting on the drama, I know that this sibling has a different way of dealing with grief and guilt over her lack of help over the years. However, she doesn’t see and will never see that dad’s condition, needs, and death affected all of us, not just her and it’s not about her needs. It sounds harsh, but I can’t have contact with her for a while.
I too feel there is too much on my hands these past 2 months without dad. I still visit mom a few times a week, but the responsibilities of daily care is not needed. The first month without dad was hard for mom, but she’s getting back to “living.” I’m happy to see her getting out of the house often after living like a prisoner for three years.
Cherish the happy moments you had with your mom. Your siblings can’t ruin those, because they are yours and only yours.
This is one of the most honest, heart warming, hug giving, tear inducing, educational threads on CC. Filled with lessons learned, emotions felt (good and bad!), and oodles and oodles of support.
It’s a hard thread to post on for many because it means we are dealing with the title of the thread. Others know this time maybe coming. For some, the time has already passed.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate and notice the no judgement and honesty shown here. <3
I am so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself, and take some time to recharge and recover and grieve. Knowing you will lose someone you love isn’t the same as knowing they are gone, at all. Hopefully in time the good memories will hold you up. She was lucky to have you.
Edit – obvio for psychm, but threaded for thumper? I shouldn’t type when I am sleep deprived, apologies
She is putting off letting me buy the things she needs because she is convinced her PCP is going to let her drive after her appointment on Wednesday. She is still using her Walker and in fact the PT wants her to get a better Walker because she’s going to use it for quite a while.
She can’t drive until her doctor releases her and I hope that will be not now! No convincing mom that driving is a bad idea. The good news is that the car is at her house and she can’t get there.
But she won’t consider buying the stuff she needs from any store. No she must go to Walmart! And no she has to go herself! The bus goes to the wrong grocery store this week!
I wonder if we need a bereavement group! It seems over time many of the caregivers lose the person they are caring for, and we stay here because we love the thread and maybe at times there are things we can share.
I so appreciate the support offered here publicly and privately especially the sharing of how long it takes to feel any resolution to the grief- 2, 3, even 5 years. Now that I ask my friends, I hear the same. Bereavement counseling has also been enormously helpful, particularly in letting me know I am normal!
@psychmomma the feeling of being “unmoored,” as @HouseChatte put it, is expected but difficult. I am taking it slow and adding things one at a time. Art class starts tomorrow. It’s early days and your engagement in caregiving was beyond the max. Take care!
PT should be proactive in getting her a better walker. One of those things is a walker with back wheels as well as front wheels and not reliant on sliders or tennis balls for motion. It makes a huge difference in satisfaction in using a walker on a regular basis.
Make sure it’s adjusted to height. Look it up yourself.
Thanks! That’s exactly what the PT is facilitating.
It’s a bit odd because mom has the Walker that the rehab place ordered. A new Walker will be covered by Medicare as soon as her PCP approves the order. Why didn’t the rehab order the correct Walker, no idea?
@deb922 are you referring to a rollator? I got one for free at our local senior center. When an aide broke it, I got a brand new one that was perfect for her size, on Amazon!
I wasn’t speaking of a rollater. They aren’t really suggested unless someone has very good control–they run on a brake system that not everyone can handle. They do make back wheels for a regular walker which self brake if pressure is put on them. The wheels make a big difference and are not that expensive to buy.
My mother had dementia and never used the brakes on her rollator. Though it can be dicey if the person uses it for stability when getting up! Also she confused it with a wheelchair and sat on it! I had never heard about back wheels for an aluminum type walker. Good info that you shared!
DHs family has the two trips for the primary sibling all covered. A couple of the other subs are splitting the two weeks…each on doing three or four days.
My guess is this will become a more frequent request as needs increase…unless hired folks will be allowed. The sibs will do the best they can to cover.
Spent a long weekend w my folks. When we arrived, M looks distraught and it turns out D had gone to bed Friday night and announced he was dying – wouldn’t get out of bed the following morning and in fact did not for another 72 hours. M said he wouldn’t eat, I started leaving bowls of food bedside and he did eat those.
He “must have covid” (this is a recurring obsession we as a groupjust ignore). Day 2, I said wellthen we are gonna take a covid test bc when I call the doctor, they will ask. He did not have covid, but in overseeing the testing I realized M/Dhave been McGyvering it. I do not climb this hill.
Then he decided he must be clinically depressed. A long conversation later, I establish that he has been taking his anxiety meds, but yeesh, elderly people managing meds is a nightmare. I do not climb this hill either.
He gets up, gets dressed, announces he will want to go to work. He retired 25 years ago and ever since has been the CEO of a local nonprofit. I said nope, demonstrate you can be up and about first. M is unhappy, D is fine with that. I do not climb this hill.
I do climb the hill of a direct “what happens when D dies” and this nets lots of angry M but also details : they don’t want to have a plan, they don’t care about the plan, she just will do whatever we tell her to.
But the worst is about to descend : my siblings and I know, but M/D do not, that the board of the nonprofit is about to take all financial tasks from my father and pay their treasurer to do it instead. This is an excellent idea that M/D have resisted, rejected, ignored for the several years we have begged them to relinquish some stuff. So now they won’t have a choice. As Preferred Sibling said “buckle up and brace for impact”
When mom was in rehabilitation, they prescribed her Prozac. I thought that her worrying, self doubt and negativity were really helped when she started taking it.
I’m afraid that since she has been released, she has decided not to take the Prozac. I wonder because mom has been very combative and negative lately.
My husband says I have to bring this issue up with her. I hate confrontation!
My mom’s assisted living place is making her take the zoloft that 3 different doctors prescribed for her, but she refused to take. Her response to the nurse (no sarcasm, just anger): “What, are you trying to make me HAPPY??!”
Condolences to you Psychmom. There will be a big adjustment period for sure. OTOH, I’m glad she went before you. One of my biggest fears is dying before my mom. I have a condition that my brother had which took him at age 65. I’m 66. My mom is counting on me.
‘Buckle up and brace for impact’, what a perfect analogy. My mom moved to IL last Sept. She told me the other day she stopped reading (after being a voracious reader) and is struggling with Wordle (we Wordle together at midnight via text). I think something is going on.
I just spent a week on vacation and had lunch with my niece/goddaughter. Was SO relieved that she and I are on the same page about the potential need for paid help and she thinks the sooner the better. She doesn’t really get a vote, but she has her mom’s ear and that could be helpful.
In good/bad news, the PT says my mom is in such good shape that there’s nothing more to do physically and hands her over to OT. The OT guy came last week and said he’s not coming back because she can do all the ADLs. A nurse came today for her vitals, but I don’t know whether we are done with any home health care.
