Thanks—fortunately she does NOT have pressure sores at this time. We just need a decent mattress for the hospital bed, preferably with a vinyl side, just in case of accidents.
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@brantly I think at age 99, I would not move her. My MIL is “only” 90 and moving her is off the table. She is also a bit on the reclusive side…but really, where she is at is fine.
She isn’t going to live forever, so moving really isn’t going to happen.
I tend to agree with @thumper1 though I would like more info. At the more expensive place, how long would her money last? I’m usually of the mind that after a certain point we have to make the decisions regardless of what the elderly want, but at 99 and if I knew her money would last five years I’d be inclined to keep her where she is.
When her money ends, unless someone steps up to continue to pay, it will be a ‘forced move’. This family wants to have her money run longer with as good of a facility with lower costs. As they say, the longevity factor comes into play.
They can have an ambulance service move her, and that would be ‘safe’.
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I understand the situation. If there’s money for 10 years, but they think she’ll live to be 115, that would be a stretch IMO. Trying to ascertain how far the money will go.
Money for less than 5 years. Greater than 50-50 chance IMHO that she will outlive the money with current scenario.
Thanks. I missed that. That’s tough. I am moving into the move-her camp.
My mom update. She went to her PCP today. The bad news: She’s down to 112.6 pounds. The doctor did a memory test two yrs ago and said she did really well. He did another one today that in his words was really bad. 
He discontinued two meds, which makes me happy. In good news, she’s still easy-going, and her BP was good.
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I’d move her. Your short list–better and cheaper–certainly trumps her unfounded fears. Plus there is no guarantee that when you DO want to do it at a later time that the space would be available.
She will certainly not be the first senior dragged kicking and screaming into a better situation that they later love.
Story: My dad once got into his head that going to a doctor’s appointment (office was within a hospital complex) that he was not coming home. I have NO idea why he thought that. Still don’t. Out of the blue. I told him we didn’t have to go at all. It was up to him but he’d trusted me this far so my promise to bring him home should be worth something. It was just that day and particular time–so even if your first or second try to get her to go doesn’t work, don’t give up.
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If she is mentally sound, I think it’s a terrible idea to trick her, if that’s what you mean.
Can you give her a ‘choice’ (as in, if you move now, you can likely stay here. If you don’t you’ll likely run out of $$ and will have to move to another facility anyway, which probably won’t be as nice. Then she is making the choice?
I haven’t read all of above, but I did like the suggestion to ask her MD to “approve” the transport to visit. If possible, set up a time you can meet, or if uncomfortable, to at least see other residents in a social setting (lunch?) Once there, seeing that indeed she can survive the transport, she might like it.
The family will do what they have to do - I wouldn’t call it tricking, other than maybe the transport people saying something to ease her about a move. Maybe a medical appointment and then a change from that, IDK. They have to know the mom and how to best handle. But you don’t want a big cry fest before, and during the move, the transport people can be very gentle and assuring.
Finally was able to manager at equipment company and get them to deliver new Medline innerspring mattress with vinyl cover for mom’s hospital bed, which she can use with gel pad on top! Of course, since she got an item (the gel pad) in 2022, she’s not entitled to new item (mattress) until 2027–ONE item every 5 years!
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Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful replies.
Not a bad idea. But her stubbornness would likely get in the way. Once she has an idea in her mind, she’s closed to any input. She completely dismissed my telling her that she broke her hip because of osteoporosis. She said osteoporosis had nothing to do with it.
This would be the only way.
This would never happen. She won’t even get in the van to go 10 minutes to her son’s house (DH’s brother) for an afternoon or for Thanksgiving.
I know some people do that. We wouldn’t.
Exactly! We told her, “Your tush will never leave your wheelchair – your tushy is in the wheelchair here, it will be in the wheelchair on the van, and it will still be in the wheelchair when you arrive there in 20 minutes!” She wasn’t moved by that argument.
I understand that thought, and that’s part of the dilemma. But 99 for her is like a typical 80-85. We’re trying to anticipate and plan for a good number of years ahead of her. We hear of people who are 105, 109, 111 … that will be her. Example: She had covid a few weeks ago. It was a few sniffles and hoarseness for five days. Fully recovered. She never gets sick. Scientists should study her genes.
That’s the direction we’re going in, making the decision for her. The money will last a little less than five years, then she will have to go on Medicaid and it will be an emergency. Trying to avoid that emergency scenario.
Yeah, irrational thoughts. Before MIL was in the AL, she at one point had an appointment with a new geriatrician. He asked her to bring the bottles of all the meds she takes (only two for her; as I said, extremely healthy). Anyway, she refused because she said it’s none of his business to see the bottles.
This is actually a really good idea.
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COVID interfered with a similar move for my mother. I arranged a visit and wish I had left her there. But she had dementia and would not have remembered her previous place within two days.
Does she have any dementia?
I would be honest with her, that the other place is better and will last longer financially- if she is of sound mind. In other words a necessity not a frill choice.
Then to be honest I would consider using anti-anxiety meds for her anticipatory anxiety as well as for the trip over there, and maybe for the first day. Not a lot, just enough.
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I wonder if your mother is concerned about another spontaneous fracture. That doesn’t seem irrational. But, one cannot stop daily activities bc of fear, either.
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This 
may have already entered your mind but as noted above maybe her fear of another fracture should be addressed and acknowledged. Thst may be at the root of her not socializing or wanting to leave her facility.
Maybe some time to deal with that roadblock first .
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The older my parent and my in laws get, the more obstinate they seem to be become. And will not listen to reason. I understand the loss of control.
But running out of money seems to be something that can’t be controlled and needs to be addressed. No matter how much you don’t want things to change.
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All your thinking sounds solid. Good luck!
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My mother didn’t want to move…and it was a HUGE move to our state from hers.
We gave her two choices…
- You can become part of this and get ready for this move.
Or
- We will be moving you because this is a better plan for the long term.
My obstinate mother agreed with number 1.
But I’m going to add…she was very disoriented with the move. She had dementia and it progressed very quickly. It probably would have anyway…and the move was essential because no one was near to her. But it was very very hard for her.
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