I’m glad mom remembers all of us, her kids, plus our partners and our kids. She does stumble a bit (as we all do) about the generation younger than that.
My aunt had early onset Alzheimer’s. After the first 10 years, she only knew her husband from his constant visits as a nice man who came to see her.
She did not recognize her sister unless Mom was singing something, and then she’d join in too. They said the earliest memories are the last to go.
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My MIL died a few years ago at 91 after spending her last years in a memory care unit. She knew no one for at least the last couple of years . But I do think she sensed that those of us visiting her were important people in her life that cared about her. Maybe wishful thinking on my part. Her continuing care facility had a piano player and singer they brought in and I took her down in her wheelchair to listen one day . All of a sudden she started to sing along with a few words that were still back there somewhere in distant memory. I cried.
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My husband and I helped my mom who moved into independent living to get the rest of her things to her new living situation. Get her house on the market and arrange for an estate sale.
The good news. Mom loves her new living situation. It’s so nice. The people there are great. The food is great. Mom is near all her friends who have been so supportive and helpful.
The not so great news. Mom was very negative and very critical. My husband who is normally very patient and supportive is very frustrated with her. We couldn’t do anything correctly. She complained about everything we did. She was very impatient with everything. And super annoyed that she is not approved to drive. Her strength is diminished so I know she was exhausted. We had a lot to do.
But seriously, we were extremely busy meeting with realtors, estate sale people and attorney. Lots to accomplish. I told her that we could not take her to Walmart but I would order what she wants. I bought bottles of Diet Coke instead of cans. That’s the tip of the iceberg.
She is being impossible and won’t even try to figure things out. Her phone was old, a tracphone and the storage was full. I spent hours porting her home phone number to a new iPhone on my plan. She won’t even try to figure it out. It doesn’t work! I spent a considerable amount of time helping her with the phone and had to try to use the phone. It was fine.
The same problem with her computer. It’s working fine but she’s convinced it’s not.
Mom didn’t have memory problems, she didn’t have memory issues at the rehabilitation facility. But now everything is too hard. She can’t do it. She’s super impatient and won’t take any time to try anything more than one second.
I need a break from all of the neediness. At least for a day or two.
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I’m sorry. That’s so difficult.
It’s got to be very difficult to lose your independence, even if you know that what is happening is for the best. My MIL was a witch with a capital b when she & FIL first moved to AL. It was her idea, she chose the place, it was lovely, her friends visited often. As liberating as it was to finally have the help she needed, she wouldn’t let us sell the house right away. She thought that she could escape there whenever she wanted, and I think that somewhere in the back of her 90-something mind, she thought she would someday magically be able to move back to her big house.
The good news? Over time, she came to appreciate what she has in AL. She would mention from time to time that she could live alone if she wanted, but we’d ignore the comments & she didn’t push it (it’s been a few years now, and she has to have a lot of help now, so that’s stopped).
She’s acting out. As hard as it is to give it, she just needs grace. And it IS hard to give it sometimes!
The transition may make her inflexible for a while. Hopefully she will be less cranky soon. But not easy for sure. And so much for you to take care of! My sympathy and empathy! I can’t figure out how to make an appropriate emoji but send you a red 
! Whoops, there it is!
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I looked at several IL places for my mom. One director told me that she tells families not to visit for at least a week so the loved one is forced to figure somethings out on their own. I said, kind of like when you drop your freshman off at college, and she said, exactly. Hope your mom adjusts quickly. It’s hard for sure
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Oh, that’s so hard. My term for this behavior is Anger Magnet – that’s you. All her rage at the situation, fear of what’s ahead, grief over having to change – it needs someplace to go. I am so sorry it has to be you. Give yourself grace (and maybe a bowl of ice cream).
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This transition is hard for everyone. Hoping things settle down, as they probably will!
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Got a call from my father’s nursing home today. He has a urinary tract infection. In the assisted living, that would have meant an ER trip and a hospital stay (which had happened tens of times in the past few years). In the skilled nursing facility, they are putting him on antibiotics and moving him to an isolation room. This really confirms that he is in the correct place now.
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Mom and Dad have been sick with a cold since the beginning of March. He’s preoccupied with his ears being stuffed up, is at 90% 02 much of the time bc he is mouth-breathing. Has started using his walker to get around the house, basically bedroom-kitchen-TV-bedroom. Completely deafnow. yelling about getting cars inspected and serviced.
Mom is also sick, sleeping on the couch and after Preferred Sibling and I reached out to their doctor, was prescribed benzonatate (cough suppressant). Mom got it in her head that it was only for stomach problems and wasn’t taking it. Is forgetting to eat. Local Sibling has been checking on them and buying groceries. Took her car to be inspected; even she knows she can’t be driving. I’m ordering doordash deliveries bc they resist any other kind of help. (She thinks they are paying for it)
Called their pcp, he says talk to Dad’s pulmonologist. An ambulance is overkill until things worsen. Mom now is amazed at how much better her cough is when she takes the medicine – but she won’t take it during the day bc it makes her sleepy. Discovered they do not own a digital thermometer, ordered one.
But they want to live at home, because it is easier. You gotta laugh, or you’d cry.
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@greenbutton so sorry that you are going through this. It’s so hard to try and persuade elders sometimes. It’s like pounding your head in a brick wall.
My mom’s house sold! Her estate sale is next weekend. It’s been a journey but mom is very happy in independent living. It’s absolutely the right decision. She is so glad to have made this move. To be honest, it wasn’t that expensive once you add all of the things it includes. Mom’s house was going to start needing improvements, new roof, new HVAC, all the stuff is getting at the end of its life. She’s got people taking care of things she doesn’t have to now. Her IL community is very welcoming and she’s finding lots to do. And her “community” of friends are helping her get the things she needs done as she can’t drive yet. Maybe soon, not yet.
My mil and fil on the other hand. I wish they would look into selling their house and moving to a condo. Or independent living. Or senior living. My mil seems very isolated, my fil is not very mobile, very hard of hearing and he seems to not leave the house very often. But for them, moving from their home seems not to be what they want. My mil calls us and doesn’t listen, tells the same stories over and over again. Talks about going somewhere else but it’s always too expensive. But the house is getting to be too much and it’s just stressful trying to get people in to fix stuff. But they aren’t my parents and their son checks in on them every day. But their day to day life has become so small.
My brother in law is with MIL now, and DH will be taking over on Monday for four days. MIL is in her own house and very resistant to having anyone she views as a caregiver. Hopefully the week will go well…
Your last sentence happens so often I think by people insisting on no other option than the home they may have known for decades.
I feel like when we were young, as you aged, you lived in your long term home or you went to a nursing home - not so much was available in-between! Now there are many more options from condos to over 55 living to independent living on up.
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I think it comes down to fear of the unknown. Things are working (or not working) but you don’t know how they would work somewhere else.
Everyone at the independent living place told mom that the only regret you will have is why didn’t I do this sooner. I thinks that’s true.
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Definitely true for my dad. He’s having a blast. Lady friend and everything.
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So true. Something to consider is that it is likely one passes before the other. The remaining spouse would then have to deal with a move and all the change associated with it…alone. We used the “wouldn’t you prefer to go through this transition/stage together as a couple now, rather than later under duress” tactic.
And yes, my parents were happy they went to a senior community as independent living residents and not after an event.
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My friend’s parents resisted independent living for a very long time, but his mom finally decided that she was too tired to cook & clean anymore. His dad was sure he’d hate it. He ended up loving it - he made so many friends. His wife died first, and being in the community was a godsend for him.
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I don’t think my Dad is capable of making informed decision anymore, but is plenty capable of resisting every attempt to improve the situation. He has spent his entire life being the smartest man in the room (and truly he was) and it is hard to explain to doctors, etc. that he is no longer that guy. And even if we could, the doctors can’t do anything. It’s all personal care issues.
Preferred Sibling will bring up moving to a care facility again to Mom (she sees that as a horrible failure) just to give her the chance to say okay. We know she’s worn out by this episode.
We are hoping when I talkto Pulmonology tomorrow, they will order a chest xray and that will trigger an ambulance transport, which ought to land him in the step down unit and I can live with Mom while he’s there. PrefSib is going away with friends (I feel annoyed, but I understand) and LocalSib is parent of two small and hence often sick kids. DH says we’ll do what we have to. Wrote myself another note to downsize and move well before we think we need it 
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