My sister and her husband live in Austin. He has been in Indiana TWO MONTHS helping his parents. He can work remotely. His sister lives near their parents, but she is more than useless - she just got fired from her job as a nurse. Ugh. If I were my sister, I wouldn’t put up with that. So I guess it’s good I’m not her.
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The other issue is that “things” happen to other people.
My mom’s fall was very random and not her fault. She fell on a step at my daughter’s townhouse, a step I’ve missed myself. Unfortunately mom broke bones and since I’m younger and more agile, I found my balance. But I could have had a different outcome, it’s just a matter of luck (edited that last sentence because I’m not any better, just luckier).
But my mil insists on walking the puppy she and my bil share. On snow and ice. When I mention that it’s not that safe and the puppy could use their fenced backyard, I’m told that she and my fil are “different”. That they are really careful and they won’t fall.
Except it’s not true. And my mil is on osteoporosis drugs and her bones aren’t in the best shape. But no amount of talk will persuade her.
So any talk of moving is met with, “we” are different and “we” are doing better. 
I can’t believe how relieved my sister and I are about this move for our mom. And that she isn’t fighting us. That much 
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I have a different perspective about falls now that I fell and broke my wrist while exercising, and I am a very careful person - I always hold a handrail going up and down steps, even if there are just three of them. It CAN happen to anyone.
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The burden of helping my mom has been mostly mine. My sister went once for 2 days because my husband was recovering from a set back and emergency 2nd surgery.
But 2 months is a heavy lift and I hope your bil is able to tell his parents that there is an end stop. And that decisions have to be made. With a deadline.
If my husband hadn’t put his foot down and told mom that we needed to make a decision and move on, we’d still be at her house going through drawers and looking through pictures.
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I definitely could have broken something at my daughter’s. Her house is a menace and only for the young.
That’s why I tried to warn all the elders from going there. My in laws decided to heed my advice, my mom didn’t.
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My sister said that when her MIL heard her daughter had lost her job, she said, “Well, now we can’t move to the facility because we have to help K!” Uh, no… Argh.
I could do a whole post on parents who continue to help their adult children.
My neighbors are still supporting and helping their adult children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Having broken bones twice in 2 seperats falls post menopause, I marvel that neither of my folks have ever broken any despite them being over 30 years older than me and several different falls over time.
Helping navigate care for elders is very fraught. H is now 80 and I’m not sure what i will want if he passes before i do (or vice versa). Our neighbors just signed up for the ccrc where my mom lives. I’m not thrilled with that place but it is supposed to be one of the best.
My father complains constantly, so I hear you on the “negative and critical” aspect. My husband said something I thought was astute; that complaining is a way to exert control over a situation. The power to say “NO” is the only power my dad has left. I wish my dad would try to be positive, would acknowledge that certain things are actually better in Assisted Living than living alone, or that it’s fine to participate in some of the planned activities that he thinks are beneath him (he complains a lot about the other residents in the unit, I guess in part to differentiate himself from them). He got mad at me when I was visiting because he starting talking about moving out (it’s just impossible) and when I put the kibosh on that fantasy by pointing out its impracticalities, he sulked. Maybe I should just let him talk. Deep down, I think he knows that he isn’t going anywhere, because he’s a prisoner of his own body and that is not going to change.
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Okaaaayyyyyy…Many more adventures, culminating with Siblings’ assurance that everything is under control but I come to stay w M/D, put my foot down with their pcp.
He sends us, reluctantly, to the ER (small rural areas use the ER for everything). Chest XRays, bloodwork, covid tests…
…Yup. They’ve got covid. Probably have had for some of these past 3.5 weeks they’ve “had a cold”. I’ve got my confused dad and my hysterically sobbing mom (they told her she was positive whenI was down the hall w my Dad because separate rooms make sense? ) and a pile of paperwork, eventually get them home. Even though my dad has advanced lung disease andis on 02 , they said he’d do fine at home.
So I have waved off Easter at my own home, my DH is making contingency plans for if I give it to him when I return. Just ugh. If their pcp hadn’t kept blowing them off…otoh, there’s not much to do but ride it out.
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Sounds incredibly stressful!
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I am so sorry for them and you! This type of scenario is what most of us try to avoid/prevent with aging parents, but sometimes we don’t have any control of the chaos. Deep breaths.
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I think you’re right that it’s the only control he has. Maybe react empathetically, yes, it’s so difficult being in this situation. I wish there were alternatives but I don’t see any. Meanwhile I feel for you. (Just a thought.)
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That is quite insightful. FWIW, we’re dealing with a fair amount of complaining between my father and MIL, both of whom have health problems and are in their late 70s/early 80s. My FIL was recently put in a memory care facility, so he isn’t saying much more than “yeah”, “no” and maybe 3 or 4 word sentences here and there. My father, in particular, tends to go on long rant tangents when answering questions about how he’s doing. We go from the health care system to people falling dead in the streets in Cuba. To say he has become morose is an understatement. Sadly, but in a way understandably, he seems to draw comfort from knowing that many of his contemporaries are in a similar way or worse. I guess none of us want to be the only ones.
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Ugh, SIL is planning an excursion for my MIL while we are there for her 96th birthday. When we visit, we stay three days. MIL manages to be pretty with-it the first day, sleeps on & off the second day, and struggles to stay engaged the third day. She stays in bed the day we leave, and usually the next day. MIL is rarely up for leaving her room, much less the AL facility. She didn’t go to SIL’s, a half hour away, for any recent holidays.
SIL has decided that it would be good for her mom to see her favorite employee from her previous AL; we have all kept in touch. However, the employee told SIL that they are unable to drive the three hours to visit (due to PTSD from a car accident two years ago). So SIL decided that her mom needs to go there, and MIL can also see another group of her friends while there. This would happen on day three of our visit, and we would all stay overnight at a hotel. H knows that this is not going to work. Now he has to talk his S down from her unrealistic ideas without seeming like he is an unsupportive brother.
I haven’t said a word. But I definitely have my opinion, which is that it’s a terrible idea to go. The woman doesn’t want to go down the hall to eat in the dining room, much less down the road for a meal out - she isn’t going to be able to handle a three hour car trip + visits after we arrive. And then a night in a hotel? Can’t see it being a positive experience for her.
Can your DH offer Zoom calls as an alternatives?
MIL can ‘see’ the favorite employee and the friends without the struggle of the travel.
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She has an Echo Show, and SIL helps her FaceTime, as well. She has talked to the AL employee by FaceTime recently. The group SIL wants her to see is composed of younger women (80’s), and they came to visit her last fall. MIL has not expressed any interest in visiting anyone - it’s all SIL’s idea, and I guess she thinks it will perk her mom up. Her heart is in the right place, but she’s not thinking it through.
Ahhh, the power of magical thinking! My sister does that also. And I’m the bad guy
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Can I be the voice of dissent?
When my dad was definitely declining but not yet on hospice, dh and I were going to take a shift for a week. I wanted to take my dad back to his hometown, about 2.5 hours away, one last time. My brother and sister were dead-set against the idea, which is why I said that I would take him at the beginning of the week we would be there, so we would have to deal with any fallout.
Well, the week BEFORE we were going to take the shift, I get a call from my brother that he and my sister were taking him the next day and did I want to go. Well, yeah, as it was my idea. I was shocked they were doing it because they were SO against it, but dh and I got in the car immediately to drive the 3+ hours to my parents’ to make a 2.5-hour trip the next day. The trip was fabulous. The mind is an amazing thing. Dad was telling my brother where to go and when to slow down on a curve because some guy drove off the road there 70 years ago. We stopped in a little town and ate lunch, and on the way home stopped by a favorite Dairy Queen. During the visit we took him to see his father and brother in the local cemetery and went to his one-room schoolhouse and the first house his brother lived in (that was new info!) and to see his SIL and to the park where we had family reunions. He ate great and was in wonderful spirits and didn’t even say a word about his land (he had been perseverating about the land he owns there, which is why my sibs didn’t want to take him).
The next day was the last good meal he had. He was ready to let go. That Monday he was put on hospice and was gone on Saturday. We were all there for his quiet passing at home.
To this day, my siblings act like this was their idea! lol Whatever. I knew that this would be something he wanted to do even if he never voiced it so I’m glad we made it happen. Not saying, of course, that this will be your experience, but just giving a different opinion. Good luck.
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Not my parent, not my horse in this particular race. I’ll just get it off my chest here & go along with whatever is decided. Either way, my 40th anniversary trip is to visit my MIL. I don’t let on that I’m disappointed, but dang it, I kind of am. I’ve lost both parents and two brothers, so I know all about how H is feeling, and I would never say anything about the need to be with his mom.