I have tried to set up electronic billing for all of my father’s bills. He was very resistant to this, but he can’t write checks anymore and he can’t read, so it was the only way. My husband and I were victims of check fraud a few months ago. Paper checks were actually taken out of our mailbox at the end of our driveway and altered, and the bank actually cashed them (yes, checks to three utilities were altered with the addition of a name-so dumb). It wasn’t a life-changing amount of money and the bank reimbursed us, but we had to close out a checking account, get a new one, and change all our online payment information, so it was a huge pain. We also had to show up in Zoom court when the perpetrators were arraigned (this was a truly sad spectacle and I pity these sad souls; they are pathetic). I used this episode to convince my father that paper checks are insecure compared to electronic transactions. Now he lets us pay his bills online.
My father was always very tech savvy. He had all of his finances on his computer with automated payments etc. He would spend all day on his computer. Then as his health declined, he suddenly was not using his computer at all, and “forgot my password” so he couldn’t log into it. This was during COVID.
He ended up hiring an elder care lawyer, whom he gave power of attorney, who straightened it all out for him. It was not an easy task to untangle. However, nobody ever got on his computer again and it just went into a dump. He does still use a smart phone (although on occasion he needs help with stuff on it - like he had accidentally blocked me and a nurse at his care facility fixed it for him).
The warning/message in this, make sure that somebody besides the elderly person (can be lawyer or family member), has a list of passwords and account usernames, for all of their technology (including their phone). Also, a listing of any credit/debit/ATM cards, monthly payments (including utilities), and all bank/brokerage accounts.
Yes, I’m so thankful my dad has a bookkeeper who takes care of all that. She does a great job.
I was fooled into thinking everything was good. My father had both an accountant and a lawyer, and I thought they had all this information. But they didn’t have anything (didn’t even know which banks he had money in.)
Before we leave the tech discussion–some accounts can only be accessed from a specific computer without needing more authentication when signing in from another source. And many accounts require two factor authentication to log in. So not only passwords but email addresses and phone numbers are required (We just sent a code to your email or phone text! Send code within 10 min!). So you’re sitting across the state wanting to pay a bill for parent (living or recently deceased) or trying to figure things out for clueless relative and there go–stuck because you can’t sign into their email nor have access to their phone. Maybe you have the phone but no passcode to open it. And don’t mess up–next step is the special questions–what was the name of your first grade teacher? Where was great aunt Matilda born? Get that information too. Don’t ever throw out a computer without figuring what is on there.
When someone dies your first initial reaction is to close all accounts immediately but before you do take care of all those “automatic payments” to keep the electric, water going. If they have a business there may be credit cards on file with auto renewals for websites, computer protection etc–switch them over first.
Pick up a “funeral planning guide” now–they usually list everything you should have–bank acct info, other assets, life insurance info, armed forces info, SS, real estate. They are a good start anyway–get one for everyone in the family and have them fill it out now.
I worked with the bookkeeper after my mom’s death so I know she has all that information, thank goodness.
I was thinking the same thing. I have all the passwords and all the information. But everything has a 2 step verification process and that requires a willingness and acumen with my mom.
We try!
Get hard copy print outs of all accounts so hopefully there is at least a clue what exists at any point in time. Nothing like trying to figure out possible estate stuff with no idea how much is in any account and no way to get into it. It can be months before some accounts are transferred to beneficiaries. And make sure you know where safety deposit box key is (and someone to get in it), where anything of value is stashed (plus safe combinations).
I got POA and access to all my parents’ (now dad’s) accounts. When Dad was so ill, Mom and I went down to several banks to fill out the paperwork.
You could get to the bank with your mom. What if you couldn’t?
Banks require presence and IDs etc. Understandable but what if she (like my BIL) were in a hospital bed unable to go anywhere and get stuff done?
I’m sure there are ways around all this but it’s incredibly hard when emotions and time limits set in.
Should all of this been foreseeable? Yes.
But with people in denial and refusing to even THINK about possible scenarios (like a bus runs you over tomorrow) it really makes life more difficult than it could be.
Mom is having her will, financial and health POA’s redone because they were so out of date.
We weren’t prepared but now we will be. 
Yes, I’m just saying we were able to plan ahead. I’m thankful my dad let me get POA back in 2018 when he and Mom were doing great. And that Mom was healthy enough to go to the bank with me when Dad was in hospice. My sister and I had the feeling we should jump on it.
Many two step authentications will allow an email instead of a text. Knowing their email account and password might get you into all the accounts without their cell phone.
Some financial institutions let the user add a second phone number (Chase in our case). Etrade apparently allows two separate login credentials for a JTWROS account, so each owner has their own password and login into the same joint account.
I was able to log into all of my dad’s online accounts after he passed away - I was able to get into his email, and it was easy from there. I was able to figure out what bills were on autopay based on emails, and I could reset passwords. It’s been ten years, though, and two factor identification does make things more difficult. I tried setting my MIL up for online banking access because she always worried about whether her dividend checks had been deposited in her account. No matter how easy I tried to make it, she couldn’t figure it out (even when I set it up to text her when deposits hit her account - she ignored her texts). My SIL has taken over all of her bill paying now, though.
anyone here have success with a parent fixated on an imaginary problem?
My father (02 24/7, interstitial lung disease, 88) had some issues with the cannula creating a fistula in his nose. His pcp sent him to an out of network ENT, who said, yup, can’t do much about that, part of being on O2, take vitamins.
Recovering from COVID, he has gone from hard of hearing to totally deaf.Can’t hear anything. The ER flushed and cleaned his ears, says those are fine.
Dad continues to insist that (here we go) that he has had something grow up his nose, into his sinus and i to his eustachian tube that is making him deaf. That he needs surgery. Blows his nose incessantly. Won’t go back to the ENT. So we made a followup with the pcp to pacify him for next week but he is still beside himself. He’s also not talking, unless he’s really angry and then he yells. he makes her come and whisper in his ear. He was trying that with me and I was all “yeah, no, you talk to me”
ideas?
If you google covid and hearing loss, it looks like it’s a thing. Not sure if it’s a permanent or temporary thing.
I think with dementia, there are things that a person is convinced happen that are frankly nuts!
The hearing loss though I suspect is part of covid. I’m so sorry that your parent(s) are being so uncooperative about their medical care. And it’s difficult in a small town to get that medical treatment that they need.
They would be so happy in independent living or assisted living and it sounds like what is happening is very unsustainable. It’s such a disruption to you and your siblings.
My mom would agree to assisted living ,no question, she’s exhausted. She told me last week she thinks it’s like “giving up” and I said “no, it’s like fighting back”.
She has his healthcare power of attorney and we don’t want her to have to use it, But this is nuts.
Xanax.
My mom obsesses about mostly money. She is prescribed a Xanax as needed for anxiety, and I am amazed at what a difference it makes. I wish we had known about it for my dad, who used to obsess that someone was going to steal the land he owns.
Is there any way you can good cop, bad cop the assisted living?
My sister told my mom she was going to independent living. She was not going to go home. That she can’t do this anymore. It was that or move in with her (and I promise no one wanted that!).
I was then tasked with persuading mom that this was the best choice. That we couldn’t do what we had been doing anymore. That mom was tired of owning the house.
One visit and she was thrilled. She loves it. But we had to tell her that we kids couldn’t do anymore. And that she had to move.
Doesn’t work with two as much. And moving is just fear, plain and simple. But it’s not giving up, it’s making a better choice for you. And your kids.