And Xanax helped also. Finally got mom on it and it’s been very helpful.
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My sister is so against it, but I have a friend who is a therapist who said that at 91 we need to do what it takes to make my mom’s remaining years the best possible. IMO, that includes keeping her stable and not worried all the time. I finally truly understand the phrase “better living through chemistry.” My SIL and I are on the same page so I think we will be able to move my sister on this.
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Your sister’s reluctance may be some of her own undiagnosed mental health issues.
Mom has anxiety issues but they weren’t treated at that time. You just powered through. Now they have these great medications and you don’t have to power through.
Is you sister most like your mom? I find that in admitting issues in others, you might have to address them in yourself.
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My dad’s on Zoloft, has been for years. Mom joked that she thought maybe she should just steal his…
Have you been spying on my family???
Yes, she is most like mom. No, she won’t go to therapy. She had to see a therapist as part of getting her annulment and told me that she was so traumatized that she would never go back. No one in my family other than myself is big on introspection.
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Xanax can help - but it also does become ‘addictive’ and one has to taper off.
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My mom went to a geriatric psych. facility and they used Gabapentin for anxiety. It can also help with sleep (and pain). (They also used Lexapro.)
In our experience, and according to docs, benzos like Xanax make dementia and other cognitive issues worse, and not just while you are on them. My mother had vascular dementia and until she was on hospice, docs would not give her benzos.
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Good info. I’m going to get my sister on board and THEN we can perfect what mom gets. I just have to make my sister OK with letting her have anything.
Tonight, I called and mom said she didn’t eat dinner. I told her to ask my sister whether that was true, and she yelled yes so that I could hear her. I’m not sure why my sister allows her to not eat anything. The day before she fell, my brother didn’t make her eat lunch and my sister let her skip dinner. So while we were on the phone I made her open an Ensure and drink it while we talked. Irritating.
@Youdon_tsay for reassurance, my mother didn’t eat for three months- literally two bites of ice cream in a day. Lost 40 pounds but was okay. They can go without food a long time, but not water.
I gave her Ensure for awhile but then switched to just following her cues (Ensure has Vitamin K which interferes with Coumadin).
I assume you are not there yet and are trying to make sure your mom gets good nutrition, but there are times when autonomous choices can be a priority and “making” them eat is counterproductive. Pleasure eating is what I was told to emphasize.
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Noted, but if my mom were to lose 40 pounds she’d be dead. Her last dr visit she clocked in at 112.
Well that was three whole months. I just meant to ponder the question of when is it okay to “let” an elderly parent skip a meal if they don’t want to eat. The answer is complex. I am wondering if the other family members had a reason for allowing it.
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I’ll explore. The doctor said she needed 1,200/day to maintain her weight. She’s close most days.
We really struggled with getting my mom to eat when she was at home. She got down to 100 pounds. The doc basically told us to not worry about the quality of the food and just let her eat what she wanted, when she wanted. My mom loved zucchini fritters, which my father refused to make for her, so I would make big batches for her every week - with extra egg, milk, and breadcrumbs so I could up the calories as much as I could. My dad would reheat them when I wasn’t there so she would eat something. She also loved fresh bread.
My dad hated that she wasn’t eating like she used to and couldn’t seem to adapt to making her foods that were easy for her to eat and that she enjoyed. He also hated that she wouldn’t sit down for meal time anymore. It was a big shift for everyone.
FWIW, she ended up gaining back all the weight she lost when she moved to a memory care unit. They had a lovely dining room, the staff did a great job of picking things they knew she would eat (based on what we shared) and no one got upset with her if she didn’t like something or didn’t want to eat that day. Snacks were always available too so no one worried if she didn’t eat during meal time because they could get something into her at another time.
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My mom stopped eating much months before she died (and it probably would have been many more months, but a neglectful hospital contributed to an early end to her life). My MIL skips meals regularly, and I am pretty sure she’s going to live for many more months (probably years, much to her chagrin). From what I’ve observed with the folks in her AL facilities, it’s not uncommon. If calories aren’t being expended, the need to consume them seems to naturally wane.
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My dad goes to bed at 7pm, gets up between 9and 11 am. So his excuse for not eating lunch is that he “just” had breakfast. My mom eats egg salad for breakfast around 6am, but then waits for him for “lunch” and when that doesn’t happen, she forgets to eat. They always have dinner. When I am there Mom is amazed at how much they can eat; I leave bowls of things where they can just pick up a bite.
The workaround has been every kind of prepped and easily assembled food, stocked where she can see it. I think it is hard for elderly people because their sense of taste is often compromised, and so many foods are no longer friendly. I made them bacon and pancakes and it was as if they had forgotten how good that was until they smelled it.
Ensure can be hard to digest. Someone here recommended the clear , fruit flavored kind and my Mon has really liked that.
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Has anyone seen this documentary? I heard the filmmaker today on Jen Hatmaker’s podcast. Her story was interesting.
ETA: Dh ad I watched it. I only cried once so actually better than I thought I would do.
When My Father Got Alzheimer’s, I Had to Learn to Lie to Him
gift link
Really good advice, per my experience.
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I have learnt to take the lying approach (which is not like me I am typically honest to a fault). My father does not have diagnosed dementia or Alzheimer’s, but is sometimes confused. This has happened frequently when he is in a strange place (hospital, rehab, etc.) When he calls and tells me something ridiculous - like he left his car double parked and needs somebody to go move it - I simply say no problem I will take care of it. I find that this works and all is forgotten once he is back to his old cognitive self.
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We do a hybrid approach. My mom is still lucid enough at times that she knows she’s been lied to. Occasionally, she’ll mention my dad, who died three years ago. I one time said, “Dad died three years ago.” She said, “That’s right! Why do I keep forgetting that? I don’t think your brother is taking his death well. He told me yesterday that Dad is resting.” 
If a truth upsets her, I’d lie. Or if she says something “off” I may go along with it. But until the truth becomes distressing, I’ll stick with the truth. Mind you, no one is convincing her of anything now that we’ve retrained my brother. He used to harangue her, upset that she didn’t remember the simplest things.
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We used to call it therapeutic fibbing. Whatever we needed to do/say to keep mom happy and calm.
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