I would call his PCP tomorrow and discuss your concerns. When he returns, ask if they can do a cognitive assessment.
I’m so sorry you are going through this!
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@NJSue , If the AL would not accept him without your POA, what are they allowing you to do in terms of his care? Sounds like they are not considering him fully competent?
All the best to you and your sister with this very difficult situation.
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They just want their bills paid, that’s the reason. And if a resident dies, they want to know whom to call to get things settled. They know that residents either die within a year or two of moving to AL, or they go to SL. That’s the expected trajectory. Unless Dad is unconscious (and he does have a living will allowing us to make decisions there, and has filled out a form detailing the care he wants and doesn’t want, i.e. no tubal feeding), he is still legally/nominally in charge of his affairs.
That is tough. And the trajectory can be uncertain so sounds like the AL can only do so much as long as your dad is not considered incompetent to handle his decisions. MIL entered indepenent living in a CCRC at 81 but moved to different levels of care, AL first, until dying in memory care at 91. Can your dad be moved to a higher level of care in his current place? With more skilled care ? The CCRC would not allow MIL to remain in independent living, then in AL either, when she started showing obvious signs of decliine at each stage. But, I’m sure every place is different. Again, so sorry you are going through this. Hope your dad’ s physicians can help him as well as you and your sister.
Thank you! Yes, he is in a CCRC and he could be moved to “SL” in theory. But only if he meets certain criteria. Physically, it’s that he could no longer transfer himself with the aid of only one person (i.e. he became so deconditioned that he is essentially deadweight and can’t self-toilet or get in and out of a chair/bed). The cognitive boundary is far fuzzier, though, and harder to establish. Where does bad judgment end and dementia begin? He has a very large and very fragile ego and his “girlfriend” plays him like a fiddle. He is a very smart and accomplished man but he cannot get over himself and experiences every aspect of his aging/decline as a personal insult. That is his nature and it will not change.
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May you have serenity to accept things you cannot change, courage to change things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck! Sounds like a roller coaster.
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I sympathise in a big way. Truly.
I have no idea what your family has involved in this. Whether it’s someone going after money, or concerns about physical health? Whatever.
But if the stakes are very high then don’t waste any time. Even a minute. Get on accounts tomorrow–whatever you can to protect what you can. Don’t play nice. You’ve already labeled the other person as “manipulative”. So protect the family where you can. I KNOW it sounds absolutely horrible but believe me it could be the best thing you ever did for your dad.
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No offense, but this road trip sounds like a movie script. The way things stand legally right now there is little you can do. Is it possible that his cancer is driving this behavior, as in making the most of the time left?
My mother had dementia , and I was primary proxy. I asked the MD to invoke it when the dementia worsened, and that automatically invoked the P of A. With both invoked, I basically spoke for my mother, signed consents, declined meds, etc. You could speak with his MD about how to get him diagnosed and then have your P of A invoked. Your Dad would not even have to know.
If he is not yet diagnosable as incompetent, it really does seem there isn’t much you can do. If he has an accident on the interstate I guess he dies on his own terms. So stressful for you. Almost an AlAnon kind of situation.
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That girlfriend is no friend - at all. It sounds like she is even less stable than him.
Two thoughts:
Have you involved a lawyer or medical advocate who can help coach you on anything you ca. do to protect him and his personal business/accounts?
Can you convince him to let you track his whereabouts on his phone? It’s bothersome to me that he won’t - or can’t - pick up. Or that she won’t let him.
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He doesn’t have a smartphone because he can’t learn to work one. He has a flip phone with large bright numbers on the keypad. So no tracking there.
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I’m sure he is seeing this as a jailbreak from AL. He knows we would not endorse or enable, and so he went to her. Maybe he does not care anymore and would prefer to die. It’s possible. But what’s far more likely is that he will fall, end up bedridden in SL, and be more miserable than before.
I know she’s after his money, which is substantial but not lifechanging. Depending on how long he lives, there may not be much left. I know what his assets are and they are respectable but not awesome. If he lives a few more years his care needs will whittle them down pretty quick. Neither my sister nor I expect a huge inheritance. What this woman wants is his SS and pension. He has asked me to trade individual stocks etc. which I will not do because I am not qualified, nor do I wish to take that responsibility. He sits in his chair and watches CNBC and wants me to execute trades based on the garbage info there. We have changed all the passwords on his brokerage accounts so this woman cannot execute his instructions. He is in the draw-down phase of life and that is fine. He should sit tight but does not want to. His brokerage account is with Morgan Stanley and they have been pretty awful and indifferent because at this point he is small potatoes and his old relationships with them do not matter because all his buds have retired. It has been really instructive to see how quickly financial “friends” fall away.
With his very advanced age , no contact since Friday, and a companion who you feel does not have his best interests in mind, wondering if you can report this and ask for a welfare check? As an elderly adult possibly in need of services? Or as a police matter if you think they could be lost somewhere? Is the companion or her family also not responding?
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I am going to try to call him tomorrow and if I cannot raise him or her (I have her number), I will go the welfare check route.
I took care of a 93 year old woman whose caregiver was manipulating her to provide funds for her family, including vacations. I was part of a team, not employed by an agency. We did contact police. But if your father is still legally competent (is he???) he can still do what he wants with the money. Great that you changed the passwords!
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Take care of yourself, peace be with you tonight, rest.
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He is still considered legally competent. I’m mostly concerned about him falling or being left helpless far away from his home. His “girlfriend” can take his debit card and raid his bank account but the max damage she can do is only about 20K. Most of his wealth is in brokerage accounts and she can’t get at that.
Can the bank be alerted? If she takes money out, that is a matter for the police, I would think. Did someone suggest an elder care lawyer? It sounds like you need some professional advice.
If she left him, would he be able to contact you? I can imagine being on pins and needles waiting for a call. I hope you can relax and sleep.
I just hope he has his phone. I have left several voicemails. I am going to call his GP/PCP and his lawyer in the morning. His lawyer also has POA and is a family friend.
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Great you have the resource of a lawyer you know well. Let us know! What a situation!
ps did you read that article about a similar situation, in the Boston Globe I think but might have gone to NY Times. Three sisters trying to intervene with mother and boyfriend situation similar to this.
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Please keep us updated.
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