Girl, call me! 
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@psychmomma went to PM you. I can never remember how to get past the private setting.
After I did all the caregiving and organizing of the whole burial, and memorial service, etc. my two brothers took off for a bar with their kids, just as the reception ended. I had to clean up and take the food from the caterers. My brother texted me âsorry to bail on you.â I took all the food to the bar and asked him to take it 
A few weeks before, more significantly, I sat alone in my motherâs hospice room while she was dying. My brother came by to make arrangements with the funeral home, said he didnât âdo death vigilsâ and left.
I donât mean to vent here on a caregiverâs thread when I am no longer a caregiver but perhaps it is helpful. I need to recognize two things: 1) my brother (a prestigious lawyer) is limited in some ways and deals with things this way and 2) in his mind, it âhelpsâ me, It is âin my DNAâ to do everything. There is some truth to that, for me, at least in the early stages of grief. Nevertheless I recognize he does what he can do and is not going to stretch that.
In the end I feel okay about it all but understand that we didnât have the closeness I would have wanted and will not have it. We each did things in our own way, separately- not together.
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This is why I am seeing a therapist. The crisis around momâs fall and subsequent care has highlighted deep-seated differences with my siblings. Iâm finally of an age and mind where I am unwilling to enmesh in all their dysfunction,and I can finally accept that we donât have and likely never will have the kind of relationship I had hoped was possible. (((hugs))) to you, @compmom
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Same experience here!
You are not alone! 
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Hugs to allâŠ! 
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Why didnât you ask them to pitch in and help you clean up? Or had they already left before you realized it?
I thought this book and organization mention on Dear Abby was worth looking into for those in this readerâs situation:
DEAR ABBY: My mom turns 85 this year. When my father died of congestive heart failure 10 years ago, our family had a clear understanding of Dadâs wishes about the end-of-life care he wanted. We knew he didnât want âheroic measures,â like a feeding tube or to be on a ventilator. Since Dad had been sick for a few years and he was open to these discussions, Mom felt confident making choices for his care when he could no longer communicate his wishes.
With Mom, it is a completely different story. She refuses to have conversations about this with my siblings and me, and accuses us of being âmorbid.â Although she has a will, she has made no decisions about a proxy or for her care. Do you have any suggestions for how we can help Mom feel more comfortable having these conversations and documenting her wishes? â LOVING, NOT MORBID, DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: Offer your mother resources that normalize discussions about end-of-life wishes and care. Helping to ensure that she receives the care she wants is not morbid. It is a gift to her and your family. If something happens to a loved one and they can no longer communicate for themselves, you should not have to guess what their wishes would be in a crisis.
Start with the perfect gift for Mom: âFinish Strong: Putting Your Priorities First at Lifeâs End,â a book written by Barbara Coombs Lee, the president emerita and senior adviser of Compassion & Choices. Compassion & Choices is an organization I have mentioned before in my column and to which I contribute. It offers a multitude of resources, including âMy End-of-Life Decisions: An Advance Planning Guide and Toolkit.â It would be a helpful starting point for a discussion with your mother. For more information, visit compassionandchoices.org.
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They left before I realized it. All of them. There was a crowd there. Please donât imply that the situation was my fault. As I wrote, I understand my brotherâs actions. I am careful to avoid the âmartyrâ narrative so common among siblings when one person does everything.
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There was no such implication on my part â I am sorry if you thought so. I was just wondering if you would have said something if they hadnât walked out before you realized it.
As I found out, a term that is commonly used and understood elsewhere (the M word) is not acceptable for some reason in this forum.
I often recommend the âBeing Mortalâ book. It was recommended to me when my parents were older but not yet ailing. (Thatâs a good time to read it - could be heavy stuff if in the midst of crisis.) It actually impacted some of my thoughts on my own end of life priorities tooâŠ. no big surprised there - quality of time over quantity.
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Oh gosh, therapy is wonderful! I recommended it foreveryone. Just make sure you find someone who does more than listen but also gives constructive suggestions.
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The social worker at hospice stopped in today. My mother , by way of introduction says âthis is my daughter, all she does is yell at meâ so after the social worker and I exchanged baffled glances, I excused myself to another space.
At home, confronted by my request âagain-- that she treat me with a minimum of niceness, or at least the same niceness I get when my husband is around , she says âthat was just a jokeâ . I reply, âmy hurt feelings are funny?â and she says everyone knows that is funny but me. (I am here for 10 days while Local Sibling is on vacation, but now he is coming back because my Dad is at his end, at hospice )
I took her to Urgent Care two days ago bc she has a persistant, new, hacking cough that is keeping her up and aggravating her asthma. So she is telling everyone that I âmade herâ go to the doctor when she is actually perfectly fine.coughcoughcoughcough
I cannot even anymore. She ended the argument by saying wants me to go home,I said well too bad, she announces she will hire someone . I am less hurt than exasperated by her stubborn refusal to just say âoops, my badâ
Oh, dear. Just want to give you some (((hugs))).
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So sorry. This too shall pass like the weather. May you guard your heart from the unpleasantness.
What a disappointing incident that really says more about her state of mind than you. Somehow you seem to be her scapegoat.
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My dad and I had a big argument about heaven even knows what a few days after my mom passed away. My brothers had gone home, and it was just the two of us. He kept saying hurtful things, and it was awful. I think he really needed to vent his feelings, didnât know how, and used me as the vehicle for dumping out his anger at the world. He had spent a couple years taking care of his wife, and she left him before he was ready - not to mention that it was a difficult ending. It was awful at the time, but I eventually understood that it wasnât really about me. But it hurt, just the same. Hugs to you, @greenbutton.
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@greenbutton I had those exact same interactions down to the words exchanged several times with my mother, including âit was just a joke.â I hated taking her to the doc. I would go outside to cool off and then go back in.
One time she was dramatically ill-or so it seemed- and I called an ambulance with the approval of a nurse. I went outside to wait. The EMTâs rushed in and we found her calmly sitting in a chair eating breakfast. She told the EMTâs that I was crazy!
Now that she is gone I miss her a lot. Life is strange. Keep your head up and go outside if you need to!
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Greenbutton, So sorry about your dad. Thatâs really tough to watch.
Can you reply to your mom with: well you know mom what they say, the apple doesnât fall far from the tree or well mom, I learned from an expert
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Hi everyone
My dad passed away this morning, comfortable after two really awful days of his 6 week hospice stay. I am so glad Mom decided on hospice, they have been wonderful.
Local sibling , preferred sibling and I are working on various things but PS is commandeering most things â it seems to make Mom happy so I tell myself thatâs what is best (and I donât think about the implications too much).
Mom wants to move , like, next week. LS thinks she would like an apartment in the center of their tiny town â he thinks she can walk to shops (and I am baffled by this) . PS wants her at the local assisted living facility, and I think everybody needs to slowwwwww down.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I hope that your siblings will slow down. The recommendation is that no big decisions like moving should happen for a year (while your mom may need to move sooner, ânowâ is way too soon). Perhaps hospice counselors can talk things through with your family - they are really helpful even afterwards.
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Iâm very sorry for your loss and all the range of emotions and ideas you and your family will be going through.
There may still be some frustrations and misunderstandings.
Take good care, rest, be kind to yourself, too.
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