So sorry for your loss. Good luck navigating the family dynamics. Prior to your dad’s death, had your mom indicated that she would want to move this quickly? I like the idea of hospice advising your family.
4 Likes
She did, and we did present a unified front of “nothing needs to be decided right away”. I imagine that she will be persuaded to slow down a little. PS thinks she could come spend time with him, and with me – but that takes her away from everything familiar.
I imagine the impulse to fix is pretty strong, while the impulse to just “be” and be sad is harder for some than others. We have no lasting or serious disagreements and I know we’ll figure it out.
3 Likes
This is a difficult time, and leaving space to just be, and to process what you all just experienced, is important. Hugs to all of you.
So sorry @greenbutton. I am glad his last two days were peaceful.
I tend to react to the death of someone close to me with adrenaline and action, for the first stage, and there is some numbness mixed in, probably protective. It is very hard (for me anyway) to “just be” when in those first days and weeks but slowing down is a good idea. It really helped me to plan my mother’s service. Is there anything your mom could be doing to keep busy besides moving right away? Or maybe the social aspect of assisted living would be a very good thing now that your dad is gone.
Well, this just happened so thoughts for another day! Again, so sorry for your loss.
2 Likes
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy.
Peace to you all. Thank you for sharing your news.
1 Like
So sorry for all who are absorbing losses while helping the survivors find good paths forward. It is very challenging but taking the time to figure out the best path makes good sense.
@greenbutton sending hugs and peaceful thoughts for you and your family.
I hope everyone can agree to just take a moment, take a breath. It might be very shocking for your mom to move immediately without having time to grieve her husband. She may make a choice she regrets if she is moved so quickly without thought and process time.
3 Likes
Oh, my, Covid hit at the perfect time to work through all the festering frustrations I’d been too busy dealing with reality to be able to process.
Happy to chat/vent with you any time, @psychmomma 
1 Like
@greenbutton I’m so sorry for your loss. Hopefully everyone will be methodical in deciding next steps and realize there is no urgency.
I remember well when my dad died and two girlfriend-in-laws (not even SILs!) started chirping at me that they would call to cancel credit cards and take dad’s name off car titles, etc. 
When I said please back off, there is absolutely NO HURRY, one brother almost punched me. It was ridiculous.
My focus was on my mom and getting her through that week. The drama and trauma following his death did prompt me to pre-plan my mom’s service so there would be minimal decisions to make during the stressful days.
2 Likes
I am so sorry about your dad. Hugs to you and wish your family peace and condolences.
1 Like
So sorry for your loss and the difficulty of the last days. Glad Hospice was a help to you - such a good resource. Sending you hopes for peace in your heart this week… and stamina too.
3 Likes
2greenbutton
Many hugs for your family and sending sincere condolences. This thread community helped me both parents and I hope it continues to help you.
2 Likes
@greenbutton - sorry for your loss. It seems to always be a process for families; it takes time and patience. Wishing you smooth time as decisions come together.
@greenbutton, I am so sorry for your loss. May your dad’s memory be a blessing. You were a good daughter, to the very end. xoxooxo
1 Like
Sorry for the loss of your father @greenbutton
My mom wanted to change everything after my dad died. I told her she needed to wait a year and then decide. That was difficult because my mom is a very impatient person. She even put her house on the market. Thankfully it didn’t sell.
She stayed where she was in the end.
1 Like
My dad didn’t want to move (that is a huge step) but wanted everything out immediately after my mom died. I questioned it at first but it really was the best decision for him. He spent a lot of years caring for her. We cleaned everything out very quickly and he got a clean slate. The house was truly his. It would have been so easy to say “you need time to grieve and let things settle” but in reality I think he’d already done that for a good long time and knew what was best for him to move on.
7 Likes
Mom got rid of dads things. I wanted her to contemplate if moving was the correct thing. She had made lots of friends in the area they retired to.
It’s all very complicated and involved my sibling. Which I don’t want to get into.
3 Likes
My dad also wanted my mom’s things cleaned out right away. My mom had really nice taste, so we took her clothes to an upscale resale shop. My owner of the shop was really great to my dad. There were some items that they didn’t take, and my dad was happy that we donated them to a church that had a clothing closet for the community. It was really important to my dad that he not be living in the midst of his dead wife’s things - not that he didn’t want to remember her, but he just felt that it would be easier not to see her things all the time. My MIL also asked us to clean out my FIL’s things soon after he passed. My sister in law probably took them all to her house - she wasn’t ready to get rid of them. H took a couple shirts & had a friend of mine make gnomes with them for his mom & sister.
3 Likes
Everyone is different with this. My late MIL wanted my father in law 's clothes cleared out very quickly when he died somewhat suddenly at 81.
2 Likes