My dad died when he was having last rites administered to him for 2nd time. He was very peaceful and had several family members present.
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I think the AIL and UIL want you to think they are coming but itās probably something they canāt do. Not because they donāt want to but because these things are very difficult to do. And so there are so many problems.
Itās ok.
Your husband is there. The cousin came.
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Yesterday was exhausting. Made it to assisted living facility. Itās a very nice place. Very clean. You could eat off the floors kind of clean.
MIL is really struggling to breathe but I could tell that she recognized the 3 of us (me, DH, Cousin). Cousin is very glad she came.
Ended up having to drive through a microburst of a monsoon rainstorm to get there. Traffic going 25 mph on the freeway and it was like driving in a hurricane. White knuckles and all. At one point I literally couldnāt see the road at all. And then at the assisted living facility, it was bone dry. Thatās AZ for you.
MILās hands are curled up like she canāt move them anymore. She had her CPAP on but was awake. Breathing with her mouth open.
DH and cousin are going there again today.
First night back at my momās, and it was a doozy. She was great until about 6:30, when she found a purse and said she was going home. Apparently, this is her new thing. Gosh, it was awful. Dh and I blocked the doors so she couldnāt leave. My brother said that she usually will eventually lie down and wake up and then has forgotten the whole obsession. She wouldnāt nap for me, but eventually slept on the couch until she went to bed. She has a doctorās appointment at 9 in the morning. I have no idea whether sheāll be in shape to go.
It sounds like sheās sundowning - anxiety, paranoia, hallucinations, etc., around sunset. It can be so incredibly hard to create a diversion or distraction. I hope her doctor has advice in the morning. My mom had Zanax that I could give her as needed for those agitated, paranoid evenings.
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Oh, that sound like a tough situation - hope it was a quiet night afterward.
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DH & MILās cousin had a hell of a day yesterday. Cousin flies home tomorrow. I took today off of work, DH is working today.
A miracle happened yesterday. AIL & UIL showed up after a week of vacillating between āWeāre coming!ā and āOh, weāre not coming today! Tomorrow for sure!ā DH said that the entire day was a comedy of errors with them. He & Cousin escaped around 6 pm, got back to our house at 7:30 pm, after which DH & Cousin downloaded about how it all went. Here are some highlights from the circus:
- Cousin said MILās condition deteriorated compared to the day before. No longer responds when you talk to her, doesnāt squeeze your hand, no arm raising like day before. Color/pallor has changed. Cousin said her skin looked a little yellow and tips of her fingers were blueish.
- DH had previously told MIL that AIL & UIL were trying to get there. Now that AIL & UIL have visited her, I think MIL will die before the end of this Labor Day weekend.
- Thankfully, AIL & UIL werenāt totally disruptive at the assisted living facility.
- At MILās house, AIL & UIL spent hours talking about getting old and all of their ailments. Discussing the Six Ways Heās Going To Die is UILās favorite topic of conversation.
- Cousin thinks that DH deserves an award for how patient he was all day w/UIL & AIL.
- AIL has celiac disease, so canāt eat gluten but now apparently sheās on some diet where she canāt eat fruit at all either?!
- They drove all the way here from San Diego area in their RV van but despite the RV van having storage & a minifridge, didnāt bring any food with them. And then got irritated that MILās house had limited options of food for them to eat. Even though they didnāt give anybody a heads up of what their food needs were or anything like that. On their ~6 hr drive here, they passed many towns with grocery stores, yet didnāt manage to actually go into one.
- UIL still remains petrified of getting COVID and, as a result, refuses to actually go into a grocery store. AIL wonāt go into grocery stores, too. They asked DH if they can get groceries delivered to MILās house. No. MILās house is on the outskirts of town and there are no grocery stores which deliver there. Cue them ordering DH to take a list from AIL, drive 20 min to grocery store, pay for their groceries, and then return to MILās house. UIL is petrified of getting COVID and dying in the grocery store, but is apparently fine w/my DH catching COVID and dying in the grocery store instead.
- Lots of complaining from AIL about the heat. Acted like she was going to die of it the entire time.
- AIL brought her cat w/them even though DH told them not to. MILās 2 cats are still at MILās house. UIL accidentally put AILās cat in a bedroom w/1 of MILās cats. MILās cat totally traumatized by this.
- Because AIL is going to die from the heat, AIL & UIL are leaving some time tonight. In order to make sure that they donāt blow up MILās air conditioner from turning down the temp to North Pole levels, I am spending the night tonight at MILās house to: (a) turn the AC back to its normal level; (b) spend some time w/MILās cats; (c) sort through some of MILās stuff; and (d) make sure that AIL & UIL actually lock the front door when they leave.
- AIL & UIL both have iPhones. DH gave them address of assisted living facility. Instead of using iPhone map directions, they decided to follow DHās car instead, but then proceeded to drive so slow that they lost sight of him and got lost a few times. Many times, DH ended up having to drive 25 mph in a 45 mph zone just for them to catch up to him.
- AIL demanded COLD water with ice in it. Ordered DH to get her some ice. Guess what? MILās fridge doesnāt have ice maker, and there were only 4 ice cubes left. DH said youād have thought that the world was coming to an end because of this.
- AIL pushed a lot for memorial service to happen ASAP after MILās death (MIL will be cremated).
- AIL pushed a lot for there to be a 2nd memorial service in southern CA, despite DH reminding AIL that MIL actually didnāt want any memorial or funeral service at all. Great, AILā¦if you want a 2nd service, have at it. None of us will go to it.
- AIL pushed DH hard for there to be a āgraveside serviceā for wherever MILās cremated remains are put, despite the fact that where the remains end up is still TBD. Meanwhile, MIL is still technically alive during this entire discussion.
SIL is probably going to be here all next week.
We love AIL & UIL very much, but we are all out of spoons right now to give a care about their manufactured drama. If youāre exhausted from reading all that, Iām right there with you. I have no more cares to give right now about AIL & UILās nonsense.
AIL/UIL ā which one is your MILs sibling? Sounds like ādemanding and difficult when stressedā is in the dna. You are doing a good job , for sure, of being a problem solver and not a problem creator.
Iām so sorry for all the drama complicating grief. My dadās sister was a bit put out because (wait for it) the obituary listed her nickname, not her given name. She tells me this with great expectation of sympathy, and I said āI understandā for the billioneth time that weekend. Just those words. She was sad, and afraid of being forgotten. Grace to all.
(My DH and S2 are celiac. We would never, ever, ever, travel without food. Never. )
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Nickname issue reminds me of how upset SIL was when her dadās obituary had the last town her son lived in rather than the current town. First of all, so?? And second, while I donāt recall who wrote the initial draft, SIL edited it - so she clearly missed it. But her being upset was not really because the obituary had the wrong town. That was just a reason to vent at a time she needed to express her feelings.
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Sorry the AIL/UIL are being so unreasonable. I think sometimes when dealing with death of a loved one, there is unconscious shift to try to control things/people that can be influenced.
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I am so glad you are able to vent here. Best to you and yours in the tough days ahead. 
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MIL died early this morning. 
Sympathies to you and your family.
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Sorry - this was meant for @sbinaz : She hung on long enough for AIL & UIL to visit. Peace to you and your H as you move through your grief.
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Condolences to you and your family. Iām glad everyone got to say their goodbyes. May the good memories sustain you all in this difficult time.
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Iām so sorry 
ā¦ peace to all of you. So glad AIL and UIL were able to see her. Hugs.
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Wishing your family comfort. Sorry for your loss.
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My deepest condolences to you and your husband.
Condolences @sbinaz ā glad you guys survived the visit and that your MIL was able to be visited by important loved ones.
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Sorry - it must be tough, even though it was expected. Wishing you and family peaceā¦ and stamina too for the upcoming tasks.
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