Well I am 72 and two of the kids are still early 30’s so at 75 I will fight hard for treatment. That’s not that old.
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“Aged 75, in other words, is where the suffering begins,” Rumbelow writes.
Boy, I know a lot of people who would dispute that. My dad didn’t even retire from his busy career as a professor until he was 78 and he is still enjoying life at 86. We have other friends in their late 70s and early 80s who go on cruises with us. I won’t be ready to hang it up at 75, I hope!
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I agree that 75 still seems potentially vibrant these days. From personal stuff I’ve seen with elders, 85+ in particular has been where things have gotten potentially more difficult.
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My mom started having ALZ symptoms at 68 and was dead at 78. My dad made it to his early 80s but in very questionable health so I’m thinking that 75 age is probably right for me based on genetics.
My issue with “I don’t want to be a burden” statements is this : I really can’t decide for my kids, if I am a burden, or not. Especially not ahead of time.
My mom is constantly, preemptively, deciding she is a “burden”. So she throws things she/we need out. She drives herself (Mom is 90) rather than accept the many offers. She doesn’t eat properly, so she doesn’t need to shop too much “and be a burden” to LS who does groceries with her. She wasn’t a burden until she decided to not be a burden.
My Dad did not want a DNR or DNI, as of 60-75 yrs. By the time he was dying and we were asked about it, we were in no way wanting to prolong things, but technically Mom knew if he were competent he’d say “no” and incompetent, he’d still say “no”, but she knew what was best for him was to ignore that.
I think CC needs a thread dedicated to grief and grieving. Have not found one, searching.
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Wow on the ‘smoking cessation’ type of tips (having the phone hard to find). That is very good insight on a new technique.
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My family situation is pretty much the same as yours. I work hard to take care of myself so that I can get as many good years as possible out of my life, and my financial planning assumes 95 for longevity (I don’t want to run out of money). People who know vibrant 80 year olds & have parents skipping into their 90’s may not have lived with a 75 year old who has dementia and chronic pain. It’s really not age - it’s situation. I lived through it with my mom, and I don’t want that to be me or my family. We’re all still traumatized, more than a dozen years after her death.
I actually would use my experience with my mom’s situation to inform my choices. She had a broken femur. I would want that dealt with even if I was pretty far along into dementia. That’s kind of an easy choice, because it’s a quality of life thing. She had cancer pre-dementia, and if it returned, were it me, I would not want surgery & chemo. There’s a lot to consider.
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A few years back a friend recommended “Being Mortal” book, to be ready for aging parents. Repeating the recommendation becaues it also made such big impact on my own thoughts about quality vs quantity time. As I recall it covers physical ailments more than dementia.
Here is a link with description. I noticed on Amazon it is free for those with Kindle Unlimited
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@ greenbutton I agree with this:
I think CC needs a thread dedicated to grief and grieving.
As so many of us on the caregiving thread have lost the person we were caring for, it has occurred to me we need a bereavement thread. The same thing happened with my in-person support group and we still meet!
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My mother did not want to live with dementia, she asked us to help her die. We had never had that discussion and not having mental capacity means no assisted suicide in my state.
I can state confidently, I would not want to live through my mother’s last 2 years, definitely. Her prior few years are also questionable. We had reduced medications and would not have treated other than comfort care (yes to a broken arm.)
I seriously would not want my family’s last memories of me to be lost to myself in “crazytown.” Her last years would have been so humiliating to her-a proud classy lady.
I am still struggling to have the pre-dementia memories of her supplant the final years (she lived with me.) And that makes me sad as she was a wonderful mother and we had a great relationship. I am so pleased when a naturally occuring memory of my real mother happens!
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I wonder if/when I will be able to summon up memories of my real mother. The person inhabiting my mother’s body is so difficult, nasty, angry and mean and such a large presence in my life that I just don’t know when that would be.
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A couple of years after my mom’s death, my memories of her are from when she was young and vibrant.
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I’m really lucky my mom stayed sharp to the end. (The physical decline was less pleasant but not too long.) Even in the last weeks we had some good times at her apartment. She only got 4 TV stations, but we both liked watching Antique Road Show. They were reruns, so our little contest was to each guess whether at the end the update a few years later with current price of the item would be higher or lower. Looking back, I’m glad we arrived upon something calm. (It was 2020, election season - neither of us were enjoying the news.)
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I can really relate to a lot of this, but I am just a DIL and keep my thoughts to myself. I Support H with his decisions, but my lord it’s just such an awful situation that just keeps going and going. And you think it can’t get worse and it does. And it first began roughly 12 years ago. My MIL would have been horrified to see her life these last 7 years especially. I couldn’t tell you how many years it’s been since we had a real conversation
I’m relieved that H and I did our respective POLSTs, Dementia Directives and 5 wishes and shared the info with D who agreed S ( who is currently on his honeymoon) should be the 2nd medical POA (after me and H for one another).
We don’t want CPR and also no tube feeding.
I shared my docs with my internist, who added them to my electronic medical records.
It would have been good if we could have had meaningful discussions on these issues with my folks so we could honor their wishes better.
Dementia is very cruel, robbing us of our loved ones and leaving us all with strangers.
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My inlaws absolutely refuse to discuss any of this, it is so frustrating. DH and BiL have tried many tactics to have any sort of discussion or conversation, but however brief it is, fruitless. miL and FiL just say there’s plenty of time and they will of course deal with it when the time comes (they are in their 80’s). They have no will, and own 3 houses in 2 states. My FiL thought POA was something like an executor, and the lawyers would have it automatically.
Once MiL was saying they might move when they were older, and I blurted out “but you are old NOW”.
Looking for some suggestions for my husband. He has always been very fastidious about his dental health; a night would not go by without flossing, even if he got home from surgery in the middle of the night. When his left side became too weak to wrap the floss around his fingers, he went with floss picks; not the same as flossing, but it worked. Now he is too weak to brush his teeth, or puts the electric toothbrush in his mouth, but doesn’t move it. I have tried a regular toothbrush, as well as trying to brush his teeth myself, but he can’t/won’t open his mouth enough for me to do much. As of this morning, he is still able to swish and spit water, to at least get what little food is in his mouth out.
Mainly I am looking for anything that I can use to help him. I know there are mouth washes, but I wonder if they will be too strong for him to swish. I read to try a toddler toothbrush; I have a new Frozen one for my GD! Or the mini toothbrushes that are no rinse that people use for travel. Mainly I want to be able to get the food out of his teeth and mouth, but also freshen his mouth as he eats less. Not worried about cavities at this point.
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I would use a kids wash…maybe Act? They are milder flavor but would sweeten his mouth…swish and spit out.
ACT for kids is a very mild bubble gum flavor.
Listerine cool mint is also a milder flavor.
A woman I follow on social media demonstrated this toothbrush. She has ALS and was looking for adaptive products to use in the future. It’s an expensive toothbrush, but perhaps there is a more affordable option:
Here is her demonstration on IG:
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You can get “finger” toothbrushes that are designed for small children. It fits on your finger like a thimble.
Also, hospice should be able to provide you with mouth swabs that can be moistened with water for lip and gum care.
Tom’s brand makes an alcohol free mouthwash that could work. You can dip the mouth swabs in the mouthwash too.
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