The very best thing would be a mechanism for immigrants to work legally. IMHO.
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We have this problem. My teen with cerebral palsy qualifies for over 50 hours/week of help (through Medicaid) and it pays $19/hour (plus PTO & pay goes up over time). But we canât find anyone to work the hours.
We might have more luck if we needed those hours all at once, but we need 2 hours here and there throughout the day and people just seem to have better options. But my talks with other people who need help through the same program (but for parents or spouses who often need longer chunks of time at once) indicate they are having the same problem.
Once person contacted me and said Iâd be able to get someone if I double billed 
(paid them for 2 hours when they worked one) but I wonât do that. It is also against the program policies for me to pay extra out of my own pocket, so weâre just managing without outside help for now.
Getting good quality staff is an ongoing problem. Some good programs have had to shut down because they didnât have enough staff to provide the needed care.
This problem is likely to worsen as we age and our younger generation is busy raising their kids and working to pay their bills. Many of momâs aides were immigrants from the philippinesâthey provided different amounts of care and companionship.
They were very expensive as we hired them through an agency associated with the ccrc and even then sometimes they had no staff (or just not enough) and we the family members had to fill inâboth when mom was in independent and skilled nursing.
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Honestly, I think DDâs MIL is in a bit of paralysis about any decisions. I think they have some real financial constraints. When we see SIL/DD this coming weekend, IDK how much the sons will have received any helpful information from them on their situation. A lot of pride is there. The MIL should put some of her health issues to bed, but she has stalled - she has waited over a year to get her cataract surgeries done (didnât line up someone to help with driving so she could have it done). Same with outpatient spinal injection which she has also been stalling on.
Will they line things up for care help at home? IDK.
Their one son is settled in LA (the state) - but I donât think they want to throw themselves into that dynamic there (their sonâs in-laws parents live with them). DD/SIL may be permanently where they are now (away in another state than us), but have 4 children 5 and under (baby was born in June) and both are in demanding jobs â M - F DD/SIL have to get up at 4:15 am.
They are not near any family, and it is 20 minutes from their house to grocery and other things. IDK if her one close sister is willing to come and help for a while - she and her husband just went to where they had a new grandbaby. IDK if they would accept help from us - but it would be us coming to help with having the surgeries lined up for the mom â and she has to go ahead with all of that. They have friends and church family, and certainly have been gaining some knowledge of the local services available to them.
At some point, and it may be soon, even coming in help will not be enough for the dad, and he will need skilled care. If she keeps the house, she can stay in the house - but IDK if that is affordable for her. Their assets will spend down fast going into skilled care â so to me, it would be better to get the house spiffed up and put the money there before it would get spent down (and if they still owe anything on the house, to pay that off). IDK how much of his pension she would be able to keep if he needs skilled care. I believe they now are getting grab bars put in the bathroom, and situated with getting the wheel chair most suited for him (using a borrowed one right now).
These two have to make their adult decisions. Hard to know about his decline/prognosis. I donât think AL is an option - for one, affordability, and once he is gone, I donât think she wants to stay at that location. If not able to keep the house, then they have a very big decision going on now. If they can keep the house, it would be better to spread out the series of losses.
DHâs mother found a paid worker through Meals on Wheels - they really âclickedâ with her warm personality and living life similarly to MIL, and MIL was able to offer her a set amount of money per week with doing some grocery shopping, light housekeeping/meals, personal care (shower help). An offer that worked out well for both parties, and that worked out well for a while. As time went on, that situation was not ideal (came a few times a week), but then God intervened; MILâs care worker had a stroke (she was over 70), and when she went home, she had another stroke and passed away. This was a few months before DH retired, and once he retired, DH stepped up first with his dad dying, and then being 24/7 caretaker for mom (when she had a UTI and was hospitalized, he drove home for some days â 800 miles each way, and then the return â that actually happened twice). Her physical decline was where she could not take even a step or two out of the wheel chair. If DH wasnât available, her move to skilled care would have been greatly moved up. All the sons came to visit before she went into skilled care; she did great the first week in skilled care, and the 2nd week, her meds stopped working for her hypertensive heart disease, and they knew she was dying. DH was first with her a few days - and stayed through at the house until she passed, another brother came in and at that point she wasnât eating any more - he was still working and had to get back to work, 5 hours away. Another brother delayed too much and she died overnight the day he was arriving (they didnât believe me â I was working as a RN in skilled care, when I said he needs to drop everything and come because she will decline fast). DH retired Nov 2020; his dad died Dec 2020; his mother died March 2021.
This past weekend, my SIL (DHâs sister) and I dealt with clearing out MILâs garage. Thanks to 1-800-GOT-JUNK, I am $600 poorer but they took 75% of the stuff in the garage, thus leaving about 5 carloads worth of stuff to throw away or donate on Saturday.
Today, DH is meeting the estate sale people at the house for them to pick up items that will be sold in their store.
On Sat evening while we were all having dinner, DH asked SIL and I if we had saved the cardboard box of rusted tools that belonged to MILâs dad. No, we didnât. Cue lots of drama from DH. Omg why did we throw it out?!
UmâŠbecause you didnât say to keep it. Because you even were there at the house briefly on Saturday and you were IN the garage and you said nothing. Because the night before, I asked you if you were sure that there was nothing else in the garage that you wanted to keep because Saturday was âitâ and after Saturday, the garage would be totally empty and everything would be at Goodwill or in a trash dumpster. And you said ok to that, even said flat out that there was nothing else you wanted to keep.
SIL and I both told him that he had his chance and we donât feel sorry for him nor do we feel guilty over throwing out the tetanus tools. I even yelled, âYou had TWO MONTHS to set that aside and bring it to our house. TWO MONTHS of regular trips more than once a week to that house to go through your momâs stuff and bring it home. If it was important to you, you would have done it by now. You said nothing. YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE! ENOUGH!â
I never ever again want to own a 2nd property anywhere. This has been an enormous pain in the neck. I never want to put my kids through the huge hassle this has been because my MIL never wanted to go through her 70+ years of possessions.
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Like I said, for the sake of my blood pressure, I donât get upset when my dad occasionally still gets annoyed about something we threw out. I say in a quiet voice, âDad, you had three years to go through stuff when you were still healthy. We asked you to do it and you didnât.â And thatâs the end of it. He hasnât said anything lately, so maybe he finally knows it doesnât do any good.
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My dad did the same thing. Had over a year to go through his house before downsizing. I offered multiple times (like every other week for the year), to walk through the house and tag items he wanted to keep and he did the very bare minimum. He then scheduled his actual move without consulting me and I couldnât get a flight out (last minute at Thanksgiving and we were hosting my inlaws). He totally blamed me for everything he forgot he wanted to keep.
I totally get it on forgetting things put away. I have âchemo brainâ to blame for some of it. We had cleared our living room and dining room for the smooth ceiling work and repainting of the rooms (in 2017, just before DD1âs wedding and while I had started a new job). I was going through boxes in the garage Saturday, and came across my Hummel collection - 20 pieces, most are two figurine and 4" - 6" in height. We go from being collectors of things to keeping oneâs home easier to manage. I was looking for the wooden puzzles DD1 wants for her children (still have to look for those).
Iâm not going to diminish the time/energy it takes to go through a loved ones belongings and the frustration when they accumulate so many things. I am NOT a things person and H is and it has caused LOTS of friction on our recent move where he has sort of refused STILL to get rid of things.
Luckily for me, when my mom died almost two years ago, she also was not a things person and had not a lot of extra things beyond what she actually used. Even then, it was a job.
But what I found - and maybe a little advice - is to try and gain some perspective on the loved ones life as you go through things. Some of the silliest things gave me insight into my momâs daily routine and life. The lottery tickets she without fail would get each week. The avocado pit hidden behind a window rarely looked out for her to try and keep âgrowing somethingâ though winter was coming. The expired passports that told of long ago journeys taken. So many stories not told by her to me, but through her things.
(fully understand that in many circumstances you CANNOT go through each little item in a house!)
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The problem Iâm having right now (part of this is a âmeâ problem!) is that we canât keep all of the stuff in MILâs house forever. The house is being sold THIS FRIDAY. So ALL of the stuff has to go SOMEWHERE!
AND DH started in on this whole âwe need to sort through my motherâs stuffâ back in early August when she went into the hospital. So weâve been at this for 3 solid months doing weekly, sometimes 2-3 times a week trips to MILâs house, to sort through things, get rid of things, move things weâre keeping to our house, taking things to donate or to trash. 90 days of this. 3 solid months.
AND itâs a 90 minute drive each way to MILâs house from where we live.
Poop or get off the pot. Make a decision. He said nothing about the tools. When I specifically asked him, he actually said it was OK to toss them, so thatâs what SIL & I did. And then a few hours after weâd chucked the tools, he changed his mind.
Too bad, so sad. He had a full 3 months to make a decision. He was asked many many times about the tools. Just keep in mind, that these were not tools that you could actually use anymore. They were all totally & completely rusted and disgusting. NOT collectorâs items. NOT things that you could sell. And even if we HAD brought them to our house, you know what would have happened? Theyâd sit in a box in the garage for another 20 years.
Not making a decision IS a decision. Especially when you have a hard and fast deadline that cannot be moved. He should have put the tools in his car and taken them home with him on Saturday if it mattered so much to him.
But he chose not to do that. Eventually, heâll choose to be like Elsa and let it go. In the meantime, weâre still operating as a storage facility for SIL for the remaining stuff she still needs to collect of MILâs to drive home to her house.
I know this situation is not funny at all, but I had to laugh at âtetanus toolsâ.
My dad worked in the oil industry, in his last years refurbishing and selling oil field equipment parts. He was a collector, and we were happy to keep most of his collections as special keepsakes, but when I and my sisters cleaned out his shop we found an unknown to us collection of unopened vintage cans of motor oil! What to do with something like that? We ended up putting them in my sisters shed, but Iâm sure she ended up throwing them all away eventually. One of his very good friends came by the shop as we were going through his things, and we asked him if he wanted anything, but he choked up and said, no, he wanted nothing.
He had made arrangements with another good friend to sell his business equipment when he died, so we didnât have to worry about that, just his personal things.
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no need to apologize because even ** I ** laughed at âtetanus tools!â
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Major MIL estate milestone achieved just about 20 minutes ago.
DH called and reported in that the estate sale company has carted away all of the rest of the stuff in the house. all the remaining furniture and household items. House is now totally empty.
Thank goodness.
Iâm headed there on Wed evening to put out the trash bin 1 last time for Thursday trash pick up. Trash service will be cancelled effective this Friday. Have to leave all of the house keys in a lockbox on the outside of the house. And make sure we leave the garage door openers on kitchen counter.
Feels like a gigantic weight has been taken off of my & DHâs shoulders this morning.
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Iâd like to know about that too (organizations working to address care shortages). From experience with my parents - health aides are paid horribly low and staffing ratios in institutions are unfair to providers and patients alike- while corporate owners of nursing homes etc. rake in millions.
It seems like a restructuring of the industry with better oversight would be a good start.
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I decided to clean out my deleted messages on my phone yesterday. I had over 600 messages from my father over the past 9 months. Back in February there were several time when he called 30 times a day!
I know momâs aides werenât being properly compensated, including not getting the overtime they were due. If anyone dared complain, they werenât used any more. They were legal immigrants but wanted the job and often didnât have a lot of other marketable skills. Many sent their money back home to family.
A few years ago I heard of high school student in MA who was doing a vocation program for healthcare. Not sure if she graduated with CNA cert or something else. I did think it sounded like a great idea.
Maybe it was this⊠Health Assisting - â Trained Health Assistants offer support to individuals with disabilities, elderly people, and patients requiring care in home and healthcare environments
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I guess thereâs no way to force my 86-year-old father to get the latest COVID booster? âI heard bad things about itâŠâ Grr.
My 68yo diabetic, asthmatic, obese sister wonât get it either. Maddening.