Fortunately (knock wood) both parents seem to have mild cases for now. Mom is being discharged to a rehab facility today as their permanent community will not take COVID+ Residents back. Dad will probably be discharged tomorrow, if they can find a bed at the same place.
Every time one of them is hospitalized, I get so mad when the social worker has to couch everything with “if insurance approves this” and “Mom can stay as long as she is making progress with the PT” etc. My parents are in their mid 80s, use walkers, have been sedentary for much of the pandemic since all outside things are cancelled, I am pretty sure that PT and OT can only be a good thing for them!
@surfcity the reason the social worker has to say about making progress with PT/OT/ST - but mainly PT is that after a hospitalization and Medicare will pay for X number of rehab days, they pay if progress is made because if progress is not made and they are then skilled care - Medicare does not pay for nursing home/skilled care facility, so Medicare denied then supplement also denied.
With parents in mid-80’s they most likely will make progress and then return to permanent community after the Covid period.
IDK what the sensitivity of testing to test Covid neg after Positive - I have seen these results though (I work in Rehab/Skilled Care facility - I do nursing admission assessments).
My almost 92 YO mother did make some progress but then not - family is working with her at home now (24/7) but she will go into skilled care soon.
My father is looking for somebody to handle paying bills etc. for him. Has anybody gotten a professional to do this for a parent? His lawyer has power of attorney and I think most of his bills are on autopay.
Yes, my dad hired a bookkeeper to take care of my parents’ financial affairs. She has been AWESOME. She goes over their credit card bill each month. She has found a few wrong or bogus charges that have just about paid her charges. When my dad was in hospice, she would contact me with questions. Now he is well enough that she just talks to him. I did go to my parents’ bank with my mom so that I can sign checks if I need to. I brought a bunch back to Maine with me.
@kiddie I have a friend (in another city) who does this for an elderly client. Her primary job is to handle the bills & mail, but just for one person. It is not a full time job. Her background is engineering, not social work, or finances, etc. , so I have no idea how she secured this position, but I’ll ask. Perhaps your local council on aging may have referrals? If she can share potential resources, I’ll PM you.
My FIL enjoyed going through the mail and paying bills until he was 85+, and his son set up auto payments on some and monitored things for his parents. The dad actually decided he didn’t like doing it anymore and didn’t want to make mistakes. The son lives an hour away but has access to their accounts and is in town regularly (FIL passed away in Dec, and continues with his mother).
We have monthly things like mortgage, cable, utilities, etc on auto pay. Some annual things I still pay by check.
I handle all bills and financial matters for my mother, including preparing everything for the tax accountant. I have a lot of bills on autopay after sending P of A documents.
If they have money in the Trust department of some banks, the banks will pay bills for you. The minimum amount you have to have at the bank varies. These are savings/investment accounts.
I spoke with his lawyer who had spoken to my dad, and he feels my father is still good paying his bills (most are on autopay). He is having my father send him copies of his bank statements to review with him. Interesting what the lawyer said was that my father needs to keep doing this to keep his mind on something and that what he really needs is to be able to socialize with people. He has several clients in the same assisted living as my father and realizes that they have all been affected by being locked in for so long. Since they are not getting the mental stimulation they used to get and need. I feel good about it now, since the lawyer has him covered and is checking in on these things regularly.
DH spoke with him mother on her movement soon to Skilled Care (they call it the Health Center). She understands her sons cannot care for her 24/7 which is what she needs. Not discussed since then. Why bring up an unhappy topic.
Another brother is arriving on the 15th or the 16th to take over from DH. The MD appointment is tomorrow and I told DH she needs to see him in order to review all her medications and physically see her as she is out of the hospital for a time. DH said if she cannot get out of bed, they will have to move up the date of her going into skilled care. DH got her showered yesterday and has been doing a good job with other things - the Pharmacist brother changes the dressings on her legs He lives in the area, but is going on vacation the beginning of March). Her legs are swollen and with wounds. Her room is available at skilled care for the move.
Our DDs and the two great-grandchildren will drive over the next weekend plus some days for a short visit - driving a long way but good our DDs are making the effort. Going from relatively warm AL to very frozen WI.
My DiL’s 76 yr old mother has been the subject of a police referral to the local office of aging for a case worker. When police could not reach my son/diL, they sent an officer in person to their apartment (about 90 minutes away). They had found the mom stuck in the snow in her car, off the driveway. Escorting her in, the officer discovered the hoarding, the unsafe/unhealthy conditions and was alarmed. My dil was raised in the home and is well aware of what is going on.
Mother is a fall risk, among many other issues both physical and temperamental. The young couple’s worry is that the mom will gaslight a caseworker into believing it’s all under control, or authorities will ask them to either have her committed or otherwise removed from the home.
There is no family other than them, a newlywed couple in their mid 20’s in a one bedroom apartment. We listen, give general advice (mostly, she’s a grown woman and you can’t make her well if she won’t cooperate). Any sort of general advice about dealing with extremely difficult elderly is appreciated.
@greenbutton that is so sad. IDK if at 76 the woman is willing to change even with guided help. Where she lives they may determine she is of risk to herself. I would suggest the couple research into social services and the free legal remedies so they have the paid workers (that we pay taxes for). I imagine the hoarding got worse after the daughter left home and there was no one there to somewhat help straighten up and get rid of some stuff/make areas functionable. We have all see the hoarding shows and some of the reasons behind it - some mental illness conditions, some with losses that make someone ‘crack’ a bit.
It sounds like the mom resists any assistance your son/DIL have given. So time to have ‘advocates’ guide her as they may have done some others in their county.
What may happen is she does fall and need to be hospitalized - then is the time to make changes. Maybe the county would deem her place ‘uninhabitable’ and force her to have the home be brought up to standard.
So some pushback from 91 YO MIL - when her youngest son arrived, she stated “you only want me to go into the nursing home so I will die sooner!” And their reply “No, you will live longer with the better care; you can no longer get the care at home and you are unsafe by yourself.” So she wanted to ‘show’ them how she could ambulate from her bed to the bathroom by herself and she only got half way (maybe 5/7 steps). DH said that at least she was then pleasant the rest of the day/evening with family there she could enjoy. MIL has lost enough strength that it took two sons - one to hold her up and one to wipe her bottom after #2 today. DH says she is beating a dead horse. DDs arrive shortly - they drove/slept/drove/slept at rest stops – neither has really driven in snow and DH says it is hard to know what they ran into, but the destination area just got a light dusting of snow. DH says they all can’t drive back until next Wed due to the ice forecast. Hopefully they will all be out of there except the 2 brothers and grand-son-in-law who will ‘move her in’.
@greenbutton that is a sad situation. I think in many cases, people have the “right” to be mentally ill and not get treatment unless it hurts others. At least that has been my experience. A lot will depend on whether your DIL is okay with letting her mom live with the consequences of her situation, or whether she has the resources (financial, physical, and most of all emotional) to try to change things. I feel for you.
@Surfcity many mentally ill people that are a danger to themselves could most potentially be a danger to others - they lack a lot of judgment, perspective, boundaries. All of a sudden they may ‘cross the line’ with how they can hurt others. The ‘temperamental’ issues can come into play in dramatic ways.
I worked in locked adult and adolescent psych units in two states, and a lot of years in health care. Then all you have to do is see some reality TV and various true crime shows to see the range of harmful and criminal human behavior.
The mom has an explosive temper , especially when she can’t have what she wants, but I don’t think she is a danger to anyone. She reports to my son that she leaves the laundry piled around so when she falls, she has a place to land. The dog she got is using the house as a bathroom. She falls, calls my son and demands he come and get her – he reminds her she has an emergency call button and she responds negatively. The calls the fire, rescue, or police, to whom she is known.
Aging Office – what do they actually do? I was reading and it seems they will just give contact information. Mom will tell anyone/everyone that my DiL is taking care of things and go away. Another favorite strategy is to throw out the phone, or lose it, or otherwise be unable to contact people.
She is almost like the couple that had hoards of kittens/cats in their piles of things - and you can imagine how unsanitary.
I think your son and dau in law need to document what is going on, with dates and what the problems are. What they witness when they are there. Obviously need to inform all the people that she calls when she needs help (fire, rescue, police). They may have some suggestions for what works in their county/location. They surely have experience with this. County social worker, health dept.
My father is back in the hospital again - had respiratory distress. Now he tells me his wallet was stolen from his locked hospital drawer. Of course I don’t have any of his banking information and neither does his lawyer (which I thought he did).
If it wasn’t for COVID, I would have gone to his assisted living months ago (when he first complained about issues with his banks and credit cards) and gotten copies of all the numbers. Of course, I can’t do that, so frustrating.
@kiddie – can you get POA from dad and go to his bank and get the needed info? Does he have past bills etc. to get credit card info?
Does he have a good relationship with anyone at the bank? I do some of my dad’s banking because he calls certain people who know they have authorization to work with me (I present ID etc.).