@greenbutton – how hoarded is the home? There are all sorts of levels. Is there an easily navigable path to get around? Does EMS have a problem or made any complaints?
Does she bring things in on a regular basis or just not able to get things out (can she easily put the garbage out to the curb?)
Are there easier"piecemeal" ways to solve some problems for her? Someone to walk the dog regularly? Someone to take garbage out before garbage day? How is she eating?
Fixing some of these immediate problems gives time at least. The last thing I would want is the county demanding clean-up and evacuation (which code enforcement does)
Home has garbage only infrequently taken out. Dog rarely taken out. My impression is that she does not allow anyone in the house, although my son has been in, but not since COVID. I believe there is no place to sleep as the beds are covered in objects.
Mom feigns helplessness regarding arranging most anything. I honestly can’t tell where the manipulation stops and real issues begin. I appreciate the comments, I hadn’t thought about documenting things. I really hope it doesn’t come to some sort of a showdown. DiL plans to call Aging this week, so we’ll see what they can advise. I’d like to see a consultation happen but Mom may not like that idea either.
@greenbutton, I remember your posts in the past about your dil’s mother and how lovely you have been.
I would call the area office on aging and see if they have any options. Another idea is getting an elder attorney involved. I think that a mentally ill parent is something they may need to get an attorney involved. Unfortunately.
My sympathies to the dil that she has to be essentially the parent in this relationship.
People with aging have their world ‘shrink’ in many ways, so of course many fiercely hang on to control even when it is beating a dead horse and ‘game over’. Prayers!
Just spoke to the assisted living, they did not send him with his wallet. It was left in his room. This only highlights that my father is confused, which is what I have been saying. He gets even more confused when he is sick.
@kiddie You are going to need to have someone get his stuff on auto billing and perhaps you can then review his bank statements. Check into all the things you need to do to perhaps become POA and estate executrix. Periods of confusion - get things done in a ‘clear’ time period for your dad. Later you possibly won’t be able to do based on his lack on clarity with his thoughts.
He already has everything on autopay and all he does now is review his bank and credit card statements. The lawyer is POA and executor of the estate. My father was very tech savvy in the past and was auto-paying and having paperless billing for years now.
Now he says he can’t use either his computer or cell phone anymore. Although he can’t explain why - if this a physical or mental problem that he can’t do these things. Sometimes his reply is something like I don’t know my passwords or I lost all my phone numbers. He has a “companion” aide in his room most days and they say things to me like how can he use his computer if he can’t walk. Which makes no sense to me.
I have spoken with the nursing people at the assisted living a couple of times about him being confused on the phone with me. Once they did their standard evaluation and said he answered their questions correctly. Another time they admitted he got only 2 out of 3 questions right. Another time they simply said - he is sharp as can be - no mental issue.
Get all the info you can and store the list. Passwords, accounts, what bills are kpaid online and those passwords, the credit card numbers, bank accounts.
He is vulnerable and the attorney won’t be the one watching his back.
@kiddie I find assisted livings are dismissive of concerns about cognition, perhaps because so many residents actually have dementia. It is impressive that they tested him (albeit with only a few questions).
I recently sent a voicemail to my brothers, showing my mother’s deterioration of dementia already present, after COVID. Can you send a copy of a voicemail to the AL? Not sure that is legal but worth considering.
It has taken effort but over the years I got on my mother’s bank account, have primary medical proxy that has been invoked by my mother’s physician, and have P of A along with my brother. Basically my mother has not legal right to do anything anymore! I had to send P of A documents to credit card company, phone company, financial managers etc. etc. and have all her stuff online now.
It’s a lot and getting consent to have a joint account, and a signature on the P of A and proxy, gets easier when they are more confused. I forget what story I came up with. Of course they need to be done before he is incompetent or they aren’t valid.
My mother is so much worse when she goes to the hospital (she forgets her AL entirely in two days) and is very disoriented when she returns to her AL. Is it possible your father will improve after he settles back in?
Yes, I think he is more disoriented when in the hospital (third time now in a year - first was a long stay with COVID). I also think that when he returns, since the entire facility will have been completely vaccinated, that his world will open up again (won’t be just stuck in his room), and that mental stimulation will be great for him.
I don’t think he would have a problem giving me the access, there is a conflict with my sibling, which is why everything is in a lawyer’s name instead of one of ours. I do trust the lawyer, a long time friend of my father’s, whom he has trusted for probably over a dozen years.
So will the lawyer pay the bills, prepare taxes, and speak with doctors when a third person is needed? Can your sibling and you both be P of A’s? Proxy is harder because on has to be primary…
@kiddie Mental function can come and go. Ask the lawyer if you should be doing anything additionally. Maybe your dad also doesn’t want the ‘burden’ anymore of using his computer for ‘business’. Perhaps give your dad a choice by saying ‘you only need to be on the computer if you want to be’. He may be anxious because he recognizes his mental function at times is not really there.
I am health proxy already. I have been called upon in this capacity several times already. I believe the lawyer is prepared to handle the bills (or get somebody to do it) and there already is an accountant who prepares his taxes. Unfortunately, the lawyer is in the same situation I am, no idea about bank accounts, cc numbers, etc.
I also realize that my father probably calls me when he is the most frustrated about stuff (just like our children do) and so I am probably “seeing” him at his worst. His call is not to say I can’t or don’t want to use my computer or phone, but usually something like I need such and such but can’t get it because I can’t use my computer or phone.
@kiddie Seems to me there may be a time when no one can access his bank accounts etc because of dad’s memory issues. If you have access via permission by him, he can get answers for your from the frustrations - it seems this is a hole in the safety net for your dad. Whoever is handling your dad’s estate would need the bank information as well once dad passes.
My mom just could not fight off COVID and passed away on Sunday. My dad is also not doing well and will probably join her very soon - I asked that the staff not tell him about mom, hoping he could rally a little.
I feel like I have been slowly grieving them for years, the last 2 especially. Once COVID hit, they really declined from the lack of physical and mental stimulation, even though I was very happy with the care their AL was giving. It just can’t substitute for regular family visits, outings, and other social interaction.
I am so grateful to this board for the chance to ask questions and share experiences. I feel like I can write a book with everything I have learned over the last 7 years since my dad’s accident. I hope I can be helpful to someone in the future.
So sorry, @surfcity, sending all my good wishes.
I have admired your focus, care and dedication; you are a role model.
May your good memories offer you peace.