<p>Just thought I would give an update. After taking the ‘monitor’ approach, it turns out that my worst fears have been realized. Today he will be talking to his accepted school to determine whether he can still get in (this is a state school), and I would imagine they will tell him no. </p>
<p>His grades dropped horribly the last semester of school (which is a full year of coursework as we are on block system). We tried to talk to him but he said he had it covered. </p>
<p>I’m reflecting back now and wondering what more I could have done. Should I have been a helicopter parent and gotten involved with the teachers? Should I have set more limits? </p>
<p>Mostly I’m just having to let go of my dreams for a college for my S, which is very hard. </p>
<p>Not sure where all of this will end up, but I appreciate all of the insights and advice that have been given.</p>
<p>Sorry it has gone this way… They are really young adults now, though, and you can’t make them do what they should. Wish I could sometimes, and I’m sure you do, too. Let us know how his conversation goes. Does he have backup schools where he was accepted that he might be able to still attend?</p>
<p>Feel glad this happened before you were paying for college tuition. Maybe this wasn’t his dream, or not his dream yet. Let him graduate high school and go to your community college for a year and show you he can get it back together before you even remotely consider sending him off to school. He has learned there are consequences.</p>
<p>Agree with Robyrm2. You might have been able to head off a small part of it if you had strongly intervened, but my experience is that a young man intent on this particular (wrong) course is not easy to sway. He would have blown his freshman year at college. I hope he has learned from it- sometimes they don’t right away! I know how disappointing it is- I went through this a little earlier than you did and had many heartaches, but I am hear to tell you that in my case it all worked out. They have to figure out their path and learn from consequences. It does hurt, though.</p>
<p>Hopefully now he will learn his lesson before blowing his first year at college, when the temptation to party and skip classes/reading is even stronger. This way he can go to a CC, learn to apply himself and to self-motivate. If he’d screwed up a year of college, that would show up on all applications to transfer and/or start over. If he can do well at the CC, it will make getting into a college easier because he’s evidenced the ability to grow up. Any chance on defering his matriculation at the school he was planning to attend until he’s done a semester or year at CC as a kind of probation? </p>
<pre><code> Unfortunately some kids have to learn from experience instead of listening to words of wisdom.
</code></pre>
<p>Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear this. We are in a similar situation, although in our case, the school intervened and put DS on an intense mandatory saturday school/tutoring schedule which got him through. Well, almost got him through - he still needs to make up a few hours of PE. Yes, PE! But DS’s problems remain. He’s now seeing a psychologist to see if he can learn to deal with them. Meantime DH and I are very worried DS will be one of those kids who won’t make it past the first semester of college.</p>
<p>I am so so sorry and I do feel your pain. We are in the same boat and our daughter has only recently pulled up her grades with one week left to go. This is a near straight A students and with 3 weeks to go, she was sitting on 3 Ds! We did all we could - nagging, helicoptering, monitoring, cutting off internet access after certain hours just so at least she will get some sleep instead of Facebooking, skyping, etc. all night long.</p>
<p>She was fully aware that rescission is a real possibility (we had her email her college admission directly to get the official words) and yet, in her youthful foolishness, thinks there is still plenty of time to make up until it’s almost too late. I am having serious doubts that she’ll make it through the first year unless she recognizes and deals with her disorganizing and procrastinating tendencies.</p>
<p>I am glad my daughter was in an IB program…they have to get a minimum amount of IB “points” to get the degree, but the school my daughter is going to will give a maximum of 24 credits for IB classes if she gets high enough grades.</p>
<p>crizello, I’m wondering if there is a message here from your son that he found too hard to deliver to you directly - the message was that he really isn’t ready to go to college this year. He may be feeling burned out, or unexcited by the idea of an education right now or he feels the need for some other kind of experience besides college. He’s now achieved the unstated goal without having to confront you. </p>
<p>I’d take him up on his implied request to defer college by asking him to get a job or an internship, full-time, that will contribute either to saving his money for the future (going to college hopefully), or which will provide him with an opportunity to test out one or more areas of interest, and ideally both. He can decide either this winter or next to apply to schools and the additional experience and maturity may be a gift. There is no ‘penalty’ for deciding not to go to college directly from high school - and often the gap year is just what was needed.</p>
<p>I just thought I would provide an update on what happened. After much gnashing of teeth and letting him know this was his future, not his parents, Son did get a D in one AP class. </p>
<p>Clearly it was just an issue of his not studying because, when he did apply himself he got a B on the final, but it was too late to make much difference. And he ended up getting a 5 on the AP exam!</p>
<p>Good news is that the school still allowed admission and he will be headed there in the fall.I think he realizes that now that he can do it when he applies himself and that it is up to him from now on.</p>
<p>We know he has much growth in front of him and look forward to seeing how he matures in the years ahead. What a ride it has been!</p>
<p>Hopefully, he learns from this experience. For the college years, here is what the president of the U where my S started said at parent orientation day:</p>
<p>(paraphrase)
Yes, I know you’ve been hearing about privacy rights, and the fact that you parents do not have access to your kids’ grades. However, I’ve always believed that the person who pays the bills has all the rights. So, what I suggest to you is this: Insist that your son or daughter give you all the passwords needed to access grades and all other communication in order for you to agree to pay bills. If they change the passwords without telling you, stop paying the bills. Simple.</p>
<p>Especially since it’s hard to tell right now just how much your S learned from this recent experience, with access to info, you will have a heads-up if problems arise. If your S refuses (he probably won’t) simply inform him that you are happy to know that he will be covering all his bills from now on. </p>
<p>Glad to know that the situation improved! Smart kid you have there. This lesson was a good one, with no lasting consequences.</p>
<p>Before D1 went off to college, we had “The Talk.” It included minimum grades she needed to keep in order for us to continue to pay for her education. Based on our track record, she knew we were serious. Luckily, she didn’t get close to the minimum. We also discussed about her having a job on campus, allowance, and other financial support we were giving her. Since she was becoming more independent, we thought it was better to put everything on the table (like a contract), and we operated from there. For the first few years, we also had access to her grades online.</p>
<p>We did exactly what Oldford did…with both of our kiddos. Please make sure your son understands your family’s criteria for continuing at a residential college.</p>
<p>Yes, but whether that person chooses to exercise those rights is another matter.</p>
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<p>Here’s what our version of “The Talk” will be: “You’re an adult now, and you’re responsible for your own decisions. You’re also the one who will have to suffer the consequences if you make bad decisions. Good luck, and remember, we’re here if you ever need to call on us.”</p>
<p>Each child is different. We let our kids know our expectations for them, their choices, and our involvement. One s needed a bit more scrutiny than the other. As has been said a million times on cc, parenting doens magically end by a calendar date when a kid turns 18. Brain development isn’t complete by that time either. Good parents know their kids best and know what they need. The relationship will change with the age, distance and independence, but the caring, responsibility and nurturing a parent provides will continue. </p>
<p>Good luck to your son, OP. I would let him know you are expecting to see his grades and stay on top of things with him. He earns his complete independence and autonomy when he demohstrates responsible behavior and good judgment. If you have an enotional and financial investment, you get to stay included to the degree that you both agree on. Best of luck.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this your oldest child ,but I have a 31 year old ,who continues to make decisions I don’t agree with . I continue to stay in touch ,but am uneasy about things he is choosing for himself . Grades seem minor at this stage !</p>
<p>Wow! A D and a 5! Your S may have just learned a valuable life lesson that saves his freshman year in college. (It may also be cause for teachers of high school seniors to re-evaluate busy work and weighting of assignments in AP classes.) He’s certainly smart enough to process the irony. I think he will be just fine.</p>
<p>^ I am not so sure that a kid like this will be OK in college. If he couldn’t pull it together in his senior year of highschool with a college acceptance at stake than what will get him through when he is making choices next year about going out and having fun, or studying? These are the kids that are just on the brink when they get to college. Imagine what he could do if he was a more interested student? I would let him know that you need to see his grades each semester so that you could continue getting the discounted drivers insurance for him (this worked even with my difficult child). You could be relieved right now but it sounds like he needs a serious talk regarding priorities and responsibilities. Have you set any kind of expectation regarding GPA to continue paying for college?</p>