Need Perspective, Senior Son Wasting Summer

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am am baffled and hoping that someone out there has experienced this and can offer advice. My son is a rising senior, an excellent student with a 3.9 gpa, 217 selection index on PSAT. We have never had a serious worry about him and we have always enjoyed an open, freely communicating relationship. He is seriously a great guy. Here is the worry...and I need to know if I am too little or too much involved and concerned... He seems to be doing nothing this summer except computer games, Facebook and hanging out with friends. </p>

<p>This is what I think he should be doing, in addition to a reasonable amount of the above: studying for the SAT (he got a disappointing 1870 in June), doing his assigned summer reading, volunteer work at the senior center (he loves this), checking out colleges on the web, getting a start on the Common App, getting learner's permit, organizing golf team summer practice (he is team captain)...etc. If he were doing any of these things, I would be happier, but aside from a very little SAT practice, he is glued to Facebook and "Guild Wars."</p>

<p>Whenever I try to suggest, encourage or even talk to him about it he closes off and gets angry. I've tried backing off, getting his Dad to talk to him... My first impulse is to step up, be a parent, set him a reasonable schedule of constructive activity and enforce consequences if he doesn't comply ("This is your job in the family right now, and you are required to do it")...but I feel like he might be too old now for this approach, and I don't want to shut down our communication. I fluctuate between thinking I should crack down and thinking I should leave him to figure it out for himself. </p>

<p>I'm guessing that he feels the future looming (it is!) and is a little frightened and not wanting to face it...</p>

<p>I need the advice of experience! What would you do???</p>

<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

2

<p>The first thing I would say/ask is why isn’t he working? Having two in college(one 2nd year, one 1st year) and a third who will be a senior this year, one of the things colleges like to see is that a potential student is working. At every college interview my children have gone through, one of the first questions asked was where they were working. We sacrifice a lot since they all work a half hour away (three different places…ugh) and we only have two cars. However, I think it is good for them to earn their own money and have a sence of responsibility. This is just my two cents, but food for thought.</p>

3

<p>First, realize that this is completely typical behavior. He will have a college list, SAT scores, and applications done by the time they’re due. He can’t deal with it all at once, knows that he has a month to several months, and he’s procrastinating. It’s easier right now, but still stressful as all these things are rattling around in his brain (and you’re reminding him too). It’s difficult to resist the urge to micromanage, but it will come off as nagging and be counterproductive. Try to take a teamwork approach and, if all else fails, just let him handle it. </p>

<p>I would (and did) make time to sit down with my child and apologize for being a “nervous Nellie” and express confidence in their ability to juggle many tasks (kids really are good at this). I explained that I was concerned that they might have alot of stress if nothing gets done until school starts and that certain items on that list also impact my time, money, etc. I told them I just needed an idea of what their priorities for certain tasks are and their plan for getting them done, for my peace of mind and so I could make plans. Basically, I let them know that they are the driver, I am the passenger, but even passengers need to know where they’re heading. They could relate to this.</p>

<p>Then, I asked/helped them to devise a simple schedule, which helped them to break things down into manageable chunks. Instead of “Study for SAT”, it became do 20 word problems from the Blue Book or read pages 15-75 from the summer reading, and “make college list” became “check out X and Y’s websites” - all stuff they could see themselves doing in an hour or so a day. (You may have to help him define what it is he’s looking for in a college and, if he has no clue, start by visiting a few within a reasonable distance that you think he might like. Don’t press him but just listen to what he says.) Offer to help with whatever seems appropriate - once he starts checking things off his schedule he’ll be on a roll again. Again, I would resist the urge to add more things or micromanage and just use positive reinforcement. As a mother, I found this to be a time when listening was an indispensable asset.</p>

<p>Nothing is more motivating than a deadline, so go ahead and tell him you’ll take him for his learner’s permit on Friday, because that’s when it fits into your schedule. Sign him up for the October SAT. His high school guidance counselor, and likely his English teacher, will probably start very early with college app and essay info. I wouldn’t bug him too much about that. He could type up his “resume” (that’s something you can help with, if he wants, and will make doing apps so much easeir later) and decide on a short list of teachers he’s planning to ask for LOR’s. They will definitely appreciate being notified early and that’s actually one of the more time-consuming parts of the app process as it can take several weeks/month to get them done!</p>

<p>I also bought a few books for my kids and left them in the family room - the what college is really like type (ala “Naked Roommate”), writing college essays, study skills (written in an easy to read, teen friendly format like the Cal Newport books). They picked them up on their own and it seemed to take away some of the fear of the unknown.</p>

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<p>Well, so far he has not let you or himself down so I wouldn’t be too concerned. Does he usually put things off and then get them done in a flurry of activity?</p>

<p>I am somewhat surprised at the difference in SAT and PSAT scores. Was this an even decline across the topics or was he especially low in one area?</p>

<p>My other thought is that often I thing my kids are slacking off but they are in fact getting things done and I just don’t see it. Late hours and behind closed bedroom doors more work was done than I expected.</p>

<p>First of all you can’t MAKE him do anything.</p>

<p>If he messes up the golf the coach/team will let him have it. No need for you to.
When he wants to drive he will get his permit. No need to push him.
Summer reading will be taken care of by his english teacher.Often there are very little repercussions to not doing this. Le him deal with it.
If he loved volunteering he would be there already.</p>

<p>The only thing I might do is ask him if he would like to take a few hrs and check out (drive bys) local colleges. I think it helps kids if they can see a large university, a medium size one and a small one. Lastly put a copy of the common app. on his bed and don’t bring it up again. He will look at it .</p>

<p>and don’t give this kid any more money…he obviously has too much or he would be looking for a job:)</p>

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<p>One of my daughters is like this, she needed at least a month to de-stress as she put it from the school year. I started to “remind” her of some deadlines because she hasn’t done her essay and wants to apply EA to a lot of colleges. (topic is hard for her to come up with) I left a list of the EA deadlines on her desk, highlighting the Nov ones. I also had her at least pick out her AP reading books from her list for summer reading and fill out the basic questions on the common app. The essays are the hardest part, but filling in the blanks for other things, I felt would give her a sense of “starting”.
You can’t make them do something, but I found with my son, starting school, although heavy with homework, etc., motiviated him to finish. He got an extension on a couple of EA’s which helped, but in the end, did it in his own way, on his time schedule. Their doctor told me years ago, my type, the “get things done early” mode, (I had my summer reading done in June years ago), wasn’t my children’s, they were the “last minute” type, not motivated before the clock ticked, and I had to adjust and respect it. He said wisely, repercussions teach much more than nagging. He told me not too long ago about a parent that kept nagging her daughter to study for the SAT, she would rise a little bit every test, but would never really cram…she wanted him to tell her to buckle down…he smiled and said, no one can make anyone sit and do that work, or at least well, and that she had to give her space. In a year, they will be on their own, making decisions and studying, you have to start to let go. It’s hard, but he’s right.
My daughter couldn’t find work, although her sister did through a club she belonged too. She is babysitting when she can, I do firmly believe work if possible, is something you have to do to help yourself and your family. We only have 2 cars, one very old, so it limits the scope, but they have to at least try.</p>

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<p>Actually you do need to push him to get his learners permit, especially if there is a manditory wait in your state between learners and license and he doesn’t want his mother driving him to homecoming and prom.</p>

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<p>Stop providing him with financial funds and he will have to get a job…leave things alone for awhile and see what he does…sometimes in their effort to be independent and “grown up” and their desire for you to stop “nagging” they simply stay stagnant for awhile until they can redefine their role and decide how to manage this new responsibility. When he is ready to roll he will. Be patient and don’t say or do anything else, unless of course he is sabotaging himself. It is very difficult to let go and watch…Patience.</p>

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<p>"The first thing I would say/ask is why isn’t he working? "</p>

<p>It was a requirement in my home for high school rising juniors, seniors to be either working or doing major volunteer work if they weren’t in a summer academic program. I think that this is important for character building. I also don’t see a reason for any high school junior/senior to be allowed to spend a whole summer goofing off. Aren’t there some major home projects that need to be done?</p>

<p>It’s also important for students to get their drivers license. Both of my sons were reluctant drivers. H and I made the mistake of not pushing our older S to get his license. As a result, when he went to college, he only had a learners permit. Far better for a student to learn how to drive and to get their first practice with a full license at home and can still be monitored by parents than for them to get their full license after they’re in college. The first thing that older S did when he got his full license was to drive alone 2,000 miles across the country. That was very scary!</p>

<p>We made sure that younger S had his full license by the time he was a high school senior.</p>

<p>I think that some delay in getting a license is fine since an extra 6 months or year of maturity can help them be better drivers. I just don’t think that they should be leaving home for college without having some experience driving with a permanent license.</p>

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<p>My DD is doing this for the second half of summer. DD worked a job and saved some money. Now she is de-stressing and staying under the covers till past noon and facebooking or texting till wee hours of the morning. I am concerned she will not be able to make a time adjustment when university starts.</p>

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<p>Daughter is just relaxing this summer. A few weeks at camp, chatting with friends, etc. We’re getting her textbooks for the fall next week and she’s going to start preparing for classes. I’ve also given her a research project for the summer which she is working on though I have to remind her to work on it from time to time. I have another project that she can work on if she finishes that before the end of summer.</p>

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<p>Some people need more of a “brain break” than others. Or he may be avoiding things due to anxiety. </p>

<p>Have you considered a compromise? Like he does two one-hour study sessions a day on everyother day starting on X date. Or ask him what schedule would work. </p>

<p>First be sure to de-stress about it yourself. I have found that when I let go of wanting my son to do A, B, & C, he is way more likely to get around to A, B & C in his own way. Or maybe he skips C because it was never important to him for his goals. If nothing else, we have a lot of interesting talks.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>Speaking as a rising Senior who is in pretty much the exact same situation (I do have a job, however) I would just like to say that he will come around eventually.</p>

<p>The more that you nag, the less likely that he is to actually do it. My parents spent the first half of the summer trying various “lay down the law” tactics which futilely ricocheted after my teenage shield of absolute nonchalance; eventually they just let me be and decided to just remind me once or twice a day about the things that I I had wanted to do. And really that’s what got me motivated, not what my parents wanted me to do, but what I wanted to do. It was a wakeup call that if I want to get into X college then I should get around to Y things sooner rather than later.</p>

<p>I would take more time to elaborate, and maybe I will later, but I have to head off to work now.</p>

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<p>Riveting tale old chap.</p>

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<p>OP: I sympathize completely- with you, and with your son. I suggest you pick just one thing from your “to-do-list” for him and insist that he work on that. You may just be bombarding him with too many demands all at once. </p>

<p>You may find this odd coming from a parent on the college discussion website, but I think the driving lessons should get top priority. For one thing, it is least like schoolwork, so he is more likely to agree. Also, depending on where you live, the summer is a good time to learn driving so that he can get in some experience before potentially treacherous winter driving conditions. </p>

<p>The next thing to work on might be the volunteering in the senior center, especially if he really enjoys it. He may just need that extra push to get that under way. </p>

<p>He will eventually get around to the summer reading, the SAT prep, the college search and the golf team, but it looks like he wants and needs a break right now from all that.</p>

<p>Oh, one more thing, I think you should make him keep a log of the time he spends on Facebook and computer games. He may not even realize how much time he spends in those activities.</p>

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<p>If you haven’t done so, I’d go on a little road trip to some colleges that conceivably might be on the list. Don’t go overboard, but just to get the college juices flowing a bit. </p>

<p>Never had much luck with D2 getting her to prep for standardizing testing. Just figure out what the problem was with the SAT (math score lower than PSAT predictor?) and work on that portion. </p>

<p>Leave him on his own when it comes to the non-college stuff–the golf, the volunteering, the summer reading. </p>

<p>Try to get the learner’s permit this summer, though. Once the school year starts, scheduling driving classes, etc. can get hairy.</p>

<p>He can start applying to some colleges early in the fall that he knows he wants to apply to while figuring out the rest of the list on the fly. Let’s hope that he’ll have put at least this much thought on the subject during the summer.</p>

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I think computer games and Facebook should be in control. The rest should be OK. I’d rather see him do nothing or just going out with friends (without doing bad things like drug, alcohol,…).</p>

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<p>I’m surprised he’s happy just hanging out at home penniless. In my experience, my kids by about 16 couldn’t stand not having a few bucks for movies, gas, rounds of golf and stuff which motivated them to get a j-o-b since we have never given allowances. The car thing they wanted ASAP so they could get to the movies, golf and places. And the last place they wanted to hang out in the summer was at home. So one thing led to another. Making these guys study in the summer is like pulling teeth. However, if I were in your shoes I would vote for the drivers training since it’s one of those fundamental things everyone should go through and a drivers license is darned handy for ID and j-o-b hunting. The rest, I wish you luck. This is a particularly disconcerting period of time (16-18) for parents which I have now gone through twice with one more to go.</p>

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<p>My twins are not gung-ho about driving, one is busy and a bit anxious (has seen more than her share of dumb drivers and a few close calls) the other wanted it but then thought it would be cheaper and quicker if she waited until she was 18 with the new laws. She realizes money is tight, but I told her I thought she should get her permit this summer and I’m taking her soon. I don’t see how we will do classes, with all her homework, etc. but at least she can get some experience and she needs an ID for college classes.
I agree experience is crucial, but my son got his at 17, drove a little the summer before, but then went to college and didn’t drive until the summer again. His school had a 2 year no car rule, but we couldn’t buy him one at that time either way.
I see this trend among a lot of teens in this area, I don’t know why, but many of our neighbors, co-workers children, etc. either want a licence early or don’t care if they wait.
Maybe it’s the new rules, maybe the time it takes, I don’t know, but driving schools have seen a drop here, maybe not in other areas. It’s also more $$ now, 4-500 in my state and then there is the increase in insurance.
One related article on that trend:
<a href=“http://blog.cleveland.com/metro/2008/03/more_teens_waiting_to_get_driv.html[/url]”>More teens waiting to get driver's license - cleveland.com;

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<p>Interesting article, unfortunately we live in Michigan where cars are essential and no public transport of course. Also, we won’t “drive kids” around except for something essential (movies are not essential, golf is not essential, etc.) and bikes don’t work well in ice and snow or for transporting golf clubs so come 14 years and 6 months (the age one can take drivers training in Michigan) and my boys were clammoring for drivers ed. License to drive without an adult comes at 16 in Michigan. But an interesting article no doubt. I wonder if that is happening all across the country? Perhaps another reason the auto industry is in decline if people aren’t bequeathing their beaters to the kids cause the kids can’t drive. Having teens driving around is frightening, but I’d be more frightened if my kids had their nose in facebook and computer games for hours on end.</p>

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<p>Not necessarily frightened, maybe overwhelmed. And expect a degradation in communication, even the little reminders that I suggest will not be met with enthusiasm. At this point it’s fly or die, if he doesn’t find his own motivation then substituting yours is probably not going to help. I understand that it’s probably quite painful to watch him spend hours and hours doing practically nothing, but as has been said here before “love the kid on the couch, not the one that you wish you had.” Remember to be kind to him, show appreciation for who he is, and be as supportive as possible without being pushy. </p>

<p>These are the last months where your son is going to be home with you before he goes out into the real world and begins to accept the responsibility for who he is. The majority of your work as the parent of a teenager is done, you’ve taught him what you could, you’ve given him the tools that he needs, and you’ve shown him the path that he should follow. The rest of this is up to him, sure you can push and shove to make sure that everything gets done, and maybe you’ll think that it was the right thing to do (and maybe it is, this is all merely supposition by me at this point), but all that I can imagine this doing is inspiring resentment. The ball is in his park now…</p>

<p>Looking back at this, I realize that it is an awful conglomeration of aphorisms and mixed morality. So I’m just going to simplify this down to what I believe in one sentence: “He needs to find his own motivation and all that he needs from you is support and appreciation.”</p>

<p>Again, I’m also a rising senior, and there are much more experienced parents out there who might have wildly different advice; but this is mine.</p>