Parents Disagree With My College Choices

Parents Forum
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<p>Background Information: I'm an American Muslim girl that was raised in the Middle East for majority of my life. I'm currently a junior in high school and am doing the IB Diploma. I did my IGCSE (British Curriculum) last year and ended up doing really well (5A*s and 2A's), Predicted to get 2200+ on the SAT I taking it in December). I plan on majoring in either Economics or Accounting. </p>

<p>I need to prepare a list of colleges I'm interested in for next term as we'll begin having short classes with our school's university guidance counselor about colleges/career choices. This has been seriously troubling me as my parents and I don't see eye to eye on the colleges I should be applying to. Seeing as I've grown up in the ME (think Qatar, Saudi Arabia) I've lived a very sheltered life and therefore my parents worry that I won't cope with the change of environment. Mind you my family travels abroad to Europe/US EVERY summer, I'm no stranger to the western way of living. I personally class myself as a very independent person - my mothers agrees but my dad..not so much (he's very overprotective). My dad is adamant that I only apply to colleges in my home state (Virginia) where I'll be able to commute to college (ughh) and live with relatives. He's limited me to only applying to colleges in Boston, Minneapolis, Washington D.C and Virginia (basically where my relative live). I've clearly got some great options there but the fact that I'll likely not be allowed to live in dorms and all really annoys me. The most aggravating thing is that my dad cares much more about applying to college near my relatives than how I feel about the college. I'd love to attend Wellesley/College of William & Mary but my dad says I instead should consider George Mason university (his alma mater) as it's closer to relatives.I mean I've been working my bu** off for soo long as I really want to go to my dream college (s) but my dad is ruining any hope I have of being allowed to go to said colleges (if I get accepted, of course). Why bother to work so hard if I'll eventually be forced to go to GMU??</p>

<p>Tl;dr: How should I convince my dad to consider allowing me to attend colleges that are more within my league academically (i need a stimulating environment to do my best, i go to the best in the country and am used to a lot of competition) and I feel fit me best? I'd really hate to end up going to a college that my dad has picked out for me! Don't get me wrong, I totally understand where my dad is coming from but ....</p>

<p>Thanks in advance! </p>

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<p>F*&$ what your dad wants ----
but in actuality, he understands the value of family and is probably scared that you will party and such and lose sense of family when your away. </p>

<p>Convince him ASAPPP</p>

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<p>I’m DEFINITELY not the type of kid to party. Sure, I like to have fun but i am by no means into that sort of stuff and my dad is very much aware of that. It’s the fact that he thinks that I won’t be surrounded by like minded peers (i.e. Muslims) but I have told him that most school have Islamic societies but to no avail. </p>

<p>I’m not the type of person to give into peer pressure. I attend a British international school (and have so since I was 3) and am repetitively exposed to drugs, alcohol, sex, partying and the likes so it’s not like if I go to college away from family I’ll just give in to it all. </p>

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<p>Can you work the single-sex college angle? Would your father be more swayed by the idea that if you went to Wellesley you would be attending school with all women in a very safe suburban town within easy reach of your Boston relatives?</p>

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<p>Some of the colleges in these areas require freshmen to live on campus unless their PARENTS live very closeby. Some require on campus housing regardless.</p>

<p>If your home state is Virginia, you have a wealth of excellent public universities in your home state.</p>

<p>And as an FYI, we put a similar restriction on our kids’ college searches (although we wanted them in the dorms). They had to be within a three mile drive from our house, or within an hour of a relative or close family friend. And yes, this was for emergency purposes, and yes, we did have to call on a relative for one of our kids in an emergency.</p>

<p>And as an FYI, visiting the U.S. is very different than living on a college campus in the U.S. My DH loved overseas his whole life until his freshman year of college. He attended private schools much like yours. He came to an elite college in the U.S. and flunked out…it was socially a very different experience than visiting with his parents every year for two months. </p>

<p>ETA…you will find folks in your “league academically” at almost every college. There are bright, smart, capable and motivated students everywhere. You won’t be the only intellectually brilliant kid regardless of where you attend college.</p>

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<p>Could you list out the colleges your dad wants you to consider in the greater Boston, DC and Minneapolis areas? My bet is some are terrific.</p>

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<p>I was also going to say it is too bad your dad didn’t go for the Wellesley suggestion. It does seem like a single sex college might be your best bet. </p>

<p>But… I assume your dad is paying the bill. So you are going to have to reach some accommodation with him. @thegrant, your comment is not helpful. Of course she wants to convince him, she is out here looking for helpful suggestions.</p>

<p>So I would do a couple of things:

  • Try to play the single sex angle I agree that colleges in the cities where you have relatives might be the best to lobby for. You might enlist your mom to see if she can soften him up on this idea. Even getting him to visit might help. I’d suggest Mount Holyoke as a possibility (less edgy than some of the women’s colleges, he might be put off by the atmosphere of some of them).<br>
  • Do you have any female relatives in your generation who have gone to college and stayed in dorms? Can you enlist their parents to talk to your dad?
  • Think about whether any of your relatives are going to be more flexible than others. Look hard at the colleges in those cities. You won’t be in a dorm, but at least you can try to live with someone who understands about staying on campus for activities and group projects, etc.
  • Obviously any schools that require freshman to live on campus are going to be off the list if your dad sticks to his rules.</p>

<p>Sorry, I have heard this story out here a lot of times. Sometimes you just have to put up with it while he pays the bills during your undergrad years, and move out for a job or funded grad school program after that.</p>

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<p>Yes, ask your dad about the all-girls schools. </p>

<p>I’m guessing that your parents are full-pay and will be paying for all of your education? If so, then you have to work with them.</p>

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<p>Even if not full pay, the parents will need to pay the family contribution. This student needs to strike a compromise someplace with her family.</p>

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<p>Wellesley would seem to be ideal for you. (Much more so than MHC, which is not in the Boston area in any case.) But I’m not completely clear: you say your dad will allow you to apply to schools in three places, then you say he really only wants you to go to George Mason. This does not compute. How do finances play into this?</p>

<p>I would suggest that you do some research and start bombarding him with articles about Muslim and international undergraduates. :)</p>

<p><a href=“Muslim | Wellesley College”>http://www.wellesley.edu/religiouslife/multifaithprograms/muslim&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“Redirecting...”>https://www.facebook.com/pages/Wellesley-Al-Muslimat/224711880874009&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Thumper- did you really restrict your kids to a three mile radius from your home? I’m wondering if you meant three hours from home. </p>

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<p>Oops…three HOUR radius! Sorry!</p>

<p>Consolation, I thought the OP meant that the VA school the dad wanted was GM. But that there were relatives near the other locales as well.</p>

<p>Back to my question to the OP…what schools are being suggested by your dad in D.C., Boston, and Minneapolis? What other schools in VA?</p>

<p>Are your parents fully funding your college costs? </p>

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<p>Pink - your father is acting according to his religious and cultural beliefs. I doubt you will be able to change his mind, and I’m pretty sure none of us on a discussion board will have adequate words to do so.<br>
Your dad feels, justifiably, that you can get an excellent education at any of the school and cities he’s allowing. The cities you cited have some wonderful colleges- so he’s not “picking your school.” The primary thing that’s important to him is that you live with family. I doubt that he thinks this is up for discussion. His religious beliefs are driving this- not any mistrust of you.
I’m sorry, but you may have to make the best of it for now and look forward to living on your own when you are an adult and financially independent. </p>

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<p>Have you heard of the GOlden Rule? He who has the gold, makes the rules, and the way it works is that your father can decide where he wants to put his money. You find something within his constraints, and he pays. Or you figure it out yourself There would a lot of kids who would to love to have your choices. Most kids do not get enough money to go where they please, and money is huge problem in getting through college. </p>

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<p>Well, where in the Boston area do your relatives live? There are great schools in VA, the Boston area, and the Minneapolis area. If worse comes to worse you can start off commuting and see if he becomes more relaxed about your living situation as time passes. (I will note that I am a Wellesley grad, and I had one friend–of Syrian/Lebanese Christian background, coincidentally–who lived at home part of the time to save money.) There are more excellent schools in the Boston area than you can shake a stick at.</p>

<p>I think you have more chance of getting your father to live on campus as Wellesley because it is a women’s college and located in a very safe town. You might consider contacting the young women in the Muslim student organization I linked to above. Perhaps they have experience dealing with this issue with their parents. Perhaps one of them might even have a parent who initially shared your father’s concerns and would be willing to talk to him. (I wouldn’t sic a parent for whom this was never an issue on him: he would probably dismiss their advice.)</p>

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<p>Intparent’s suggestion to figure out which relative you would most like to live with is great. A family that is more lenient and trusting of you, maybe you have seen how they have treated other young female relatives. If you don’t have personal knowledge of all these relatives, are there some young cousins you can communicate with to find out? If not, maybe visiting the colleges and staying with the relatives will give you a better idea. </p>

<p>Distance to a college from a relative’s house will matter also.</p>

<p>I have read other posts on this forum giving suggestions for staying on campus as long as possible by choosing classes that meet throughout the day, join clubs that meet in the evening, form a study group, lots of ways to stretch out the times so you can be on campus for the most number of hours per day.</p>

<p>Take more credit hours per semester, take classes in the summer, just get through college as fast as you can. That gets you employable and possibly independent much sooner.</p>

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<p>I attended Wellesley and think that your best shot is pursuing that angle for all it is worth. Any chance you can convince him to tour it with you? Maybe seeing it will help persuade him. I really think most parents would embrace it. </p>

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<p>@Sue22 My dad has no issue with Wellesley but there is the issue that a) it’s really expensive. We might not qualify for much aid and well I’ve got 3 younger sibling (all 2-3 years age difference) and my dad pays several of my cousins school/university tuition/supports my grandparents - as you can see money will be a slight issue. b) wellesley is a liberal arts college and therefore doesn’t have an accounting major, which i’m heavily leaning towards majoring in. Therefore, that cancels out all other female only colleges. Unless there are some in the locations my dad approves of that have business schools. </p>

<p>@thumper1 My dad has given me the freedom to select the colleges in the locations he’s approved of but he’s strongly voiced his preference for GMU . So i’m considering applying to the following </p>

<ul>
<li>Georgetown University (From Northern Virginia so close by to relatives)
-UVA (not close to relatives, requires living in dorms)
-College of William & Mary (not close to relatives, requires living in dorms)
-Virginia Tech (not close to relatives, requires living in dorms)
-George Mason University (close to relatives, can commute)
-Boston College (close to relatives, can commute)
-Wellesley College (not close to relatives, requires living in dorms) - As much as I like it, it doesn’t offer accounting so i’m probably not going to apply
-University of Minnesota - Twin Cities (close to relatives, can commute)
-University of Toronto (close to relatives) </li>
</ul>

<p>@intparent Yes, my dad will be fully financing my college fees, there is no way I’d be able to pay for them on my own. </p>

<p>Unfortunately, no. Many of my female relatives that have gone to university live in the UK and commuted to university. Applying to universities in London and Birmingham is an option but my dad and I have agreed that attended college in the US would be more feasible, both environment and financial wise. The female relatives that I’ve got in VA all attended GMU and have turned out fairly successful in their careers - another reason why my dad is pushing me to attend GMU. </p>

<p>@mom2collegekids My dad has no preferance for single-sex schools and could care less about that. Like i’ve mentioned before it’s more to do with the fact that my dad what’s me to go to a school that has a decent enough muslim community. He just doesn’t want me to deviate from my faith (which would never happen anyway). </p>

<p>@Consolation What I mean by that is my dad feels that the community/environment at GMU is ideal and that is where he is most comfortable sending me. With the locations he’s approved off, some unis like UVA require me to dorm and that is what make him apprehensive. Thanks for the links - i’ll definitely check them out! </p>

<p>@powercropper I honestly have no clue of who I’d be staying with. I’m actually only personally know the relatives that live in NoVA. So it would honestly in my eyes be just as a shock as moving in to a dorm as I wouldn’t know the people I’d be staying with, granted my parents know them. One of my aunts is actually looking to get in contact with me and hopefully she’ll help sort all this stuff out with my dad. She’s much more familiar with the college system then my dad is and hopefully she’ll be able to clear up any doubts he’s got.</p>

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<p>I don’t understand. Wellesley is in the Boston suburbs. Why couldn’t you live with relatives and commute?</p>

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<p>@amarylandmom I agree, going to a single sex school would make my dad much less apprehensive about living in dorms but the fact that Women’s colleges don’t offer an undergraduate major in accounting is a let down. Sure, I’ve got the option of doing my masters in accounting but I’d rather get it done as an undergrad. </p>