<p>As a 16 years old Muslim girl, I am having a huge issue with my parents regarding letting me leave for college. I'm currently a senior and will be getting acceptance letters and graduating not too far from now. I'll give you a little background information. My parents are of Indian descent but were both born here. They are both religious but for the most part, liberal and understanding. I have never been forced to do something I didn't want to do, rather I have been guided. Both my parents went to college here so I assume that might be a huge factor as to why they're hesitant about letting me go out of the city for college, they've seen and done it all. Perhaps they don't want me to make the same mistakes they did, but I cannot go to school in my city. Going to a prestigious college has always been a dream of mine since I was young, my city just doesn't offer that. I have worked so hard all throughout high school and I currently have a weighted GPA of 4.30. I simply cannot let all the studying, AP classes, sleepless nights, and hard work go to waste by staying in my city and going to a mediocre college. I need to reach my full potential and go to a college of my dreams, which will have to be out of the city or state. I am a fairly well behaved daughter. Although there have been some fall outs and I have made mistakes in high school, which is practically inevitable, I'm not rebellious. I've always strived to make my parents happy and proud. Although I've made my share of mistakes recently, how do I convince them that mistakes are meant to be learned from? My dad always says I'm a blueprint of him so he always knows my next move. But how do I show them that I won't go wild in college like they did?</p>
<p>Have you had a heart-to-heart discussion with your parents about the money? How, exactly, do they propose for you to pay for college? Is it all on you? Is it all on them? Is it somewhere in between?</p>
<p>Have you had a heart-to-heart about their specific concerns about possible misbehavior in college? Have you discussed whether or not those concerns would change if you were to wait a year and start college when you were a bit older? Have you found out if this would be different if you were a boy?</p>
<p>If your test scores are as good as your grades, there are full rides out there for you. This would meanthe possibility of a decent (albeit not tippy-top) education without having to collect one cent from your parents. Which usually also means that you would be able to ignore their study-here rules. Pop over to the Fin Aid forum, and read the stickies threads for ideas.</p>
<p>I know money is definitely not the issue, and it has always been all on them. They don’t expect me to cover any of it unless I get a scholarship, that would be fortunate. </p>
<p>We did actually have a heart to heart about it. They are afraid I won’t be able to act responsibly on my own. I say a lot of it has to do with our religion and the restrictions it entails such as no drinking and no dating. Also, I don’t think age is the issue here because even if I was 17 or 18 they would still have the same mindset. They were actually ok with me leaving until I got in trouble recently. It wasn’t huge and I didn’t do anything horrible but with them trust is huge. If I hide the smallest thing from them or tell the smallest lie, they step back and question whether they can trust me at all. </p>
<p>I just need to find a way to convince them that they can trust me and my decisions.</p>
<p>Have you applied to some of the prestigious women’s colleges? They are all excellent schools, and might make your parents more comfortable with the idea of you going away.</p>
<p>Some schools, like the University of Michigan, have large enough Muslim student communities that the dining halls offer halal food options. Would your parents be willing to let you attend such a school, even if it is not nearby?</p>
<p>Thanks for your suggestion, a large Muslim community may help their decision. However, we as a family don’t even eat only halal. I think the issue is having them finding it in themselves to trust me, and trust I won’t engage in any activities that will shame them or myself. How do I go about doing that? Because of the fact I recently betrayed their trust, even if the situation wasn’t severe, I don’t know what to say to them.</p>
<p>Applying to women’s colleges is a good idea. And even if that lowers the possibility of me getting involved in dating, other issues still prevail. Whether it’s things like drinking, partying, or even doing drugs, I need them to understand I have no interest in engaging in any of those activities. I’m looking to make a future for myself, not go wild. My goal is to gain all their trust and make them comfortable with sending me away by the end of senior year. As parents, how do you suggest I go about doing that?</p>
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<p>Without any indication of whether this incident is anything that might indicate to your parents that you might be prone to drinking or partying, it may be hard for others to comment on how to manage this part of the situation.</p>
<p>Women’s colleges do have less drinking and wild partying, since women are less prone to such things than men. But is the issue more about dating, as in your parents being more traditional in that area in expecting to find you a spouse, rather than you finding your own spouse? Women’s colleges are not necessarily isolated from male college students.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, I should’ve specified. The situation had absolutely nothing to do with drinking or partying, rather it had to do with little white lies regarding boys and the way I dress. May I add, I am not supposed to show much skin or get too involved with boys, especially at this age.</p>
<p>And as for the dating issue, my parents don’t expect to find my spouse for me. They were high school sweethearts and understand I have to choose who I spend the rest of my life with on my own. They’re just scared I wont do it properly and in the process I’ll commit acts that my religion prohibits, such as being physically involved with someone before marriage. The problem is they need to trust I’ll obey their wishes. I myself am fairly religious and know not to cross my boundaries. The issue with a women’s college is both my parents and I assume college is where I’ll probably find a spouse, I guess they’d just rather it happen here in our city right under their noses.</p>
<p>You can still meet men at a women’s college – what about Scripps? It is part of the Claremont Consortium, so there are other colleges right around it (really right next to the campus) that are co-ed. So maybe it could satisfy both parties.</p>
<p>What city do you live in now?</p>
<p>I’ll for sure look into that.</p>
<p>I currently live in Houston, Texas. The only school in this city I would consider going to is Rice University. However my chances of getting in are very slim. Rice is very selective when it comes to admissions. Also, Houston residents don’t have too much luck with getting in. I have a friend that is currently studying at Harvard. He got accepted into Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Georgetown and Columbia but got declined from Rice. Going to Rice would be Ideal. It’s a great school and I could stay in my city, but my hopes aren’t high.</p>
<p>I think there are definitely other women’s colleges where you can also meet male students from other schools. Wellesley, Mount Holyoke, or Bryn Mawr would all be options. Bryn Mawr shares classes with Haverford and Swarthmore students. And Mount Holyoke is in a five college consortium with three of the other colleges being co-ed (but not as close as the other colleges are to Scripps).</p>
<p>Barnard is a women’s college right next door to co-ed Columbia.</p>
<p>What do you do? You behave yourself. You are a goody two shoes between now and when deposits are due–usually May 1. You apologize profusely to your parents for your behavior. You hope that they decide to risk letting you go.</p>
<p>Aisha – my own father was born in what is now a Muslim country, and he told my mother he would pay for college for his sons, but not his daughters. She told him: you do for one, you do for all.</p>
<p>This was almost 30 years ago, but some things never change. He was very conservative and protective. I applied to many schools (5) but chose Smith. My sister chose Barnard.</p>
<p>You have many options now, but as other posters have suggested, they may be more comfortable if you include a women’s college (Smith!) in your list.</p>
<p>Good luck to you!</p>
<p>Aisha, money , or the lack of it is very much the issue and problem here, as it is your problem and issue since it’s your parent’s right to spend their money as they feel fit. At age 18, out of high school, your parents have no obligation to support you any longer, and whether they pay a dime for your college is up to them. All extras and luxuries of the rich and lucky. You are no longer obligated to live by their rules, either but such freedoms come with the responsibility and challenge of paying your own way through life. So you have some options here. Find yourself a school that you can affford on merit awards, or choose from the options your parents give you.</p>
<p>I understand supporting myself is an option. But I’m not willing to destroy ties with them by going off to a college I can afford without their blessing. Besides, I won’t be 18 until my sophomore year of college. Anyway, my question was regarding how I can gain their trust back. Any suggestions are appreciated.</p>
<p>Ask THEM what you need to do to regain their trust, and then do that. They are the one’s whose judgment about this matters.</p>
<p>You may also wish to contact Muslim student associations at colleges that appeal to you academically and show your parents how you can maintain the preferred lifestyle while away at school. Also behave strictly in accordance with their wishes for the rest of the school year and summer. It is very common for kids to test limits and break rules, you need to be able to reassure your parents your days of experimenting are done. In a way it is good you tried this now and won’t be tempted later- you presumably got it out of your system. Years later you can choose to change your conservatism but while your parents are supporting you be sure to maintain expected standards.</p>
<p>One caution- be very sure of any man you are encouraged/expected to marry. Never accept anyone just because another person says you should, get to know the person to be sure he will treat you with respect and honor your rights as a person.</p>
<p>Thank you for your input wis75. This was probably the most useful reply I’ve gotten throughout this thread.</p>