Parents don't want me to go...

[SteezyMug]

Let me start out by mentioning that I am 18 years old and will be accepting my appointment whether my parents approve or not. I was just wondering how other people dealt with disapproving parents, especially when they have been accepted.

For one, I have been accepted to a highly ranked university already, which would set me up nicely for a pre-med or pre-law degree (my Dad is a doctor and is upset that I don’t want med school). Also, my Dad wanted to go to an academy when he was a kid, did boy scouts, etc., but was dqed for colorblindness. So maybe some bitterness to the military?

I mentioned that USMA was my top choice at dinner tonight, which was apparently surprising because up until now I had mainly focused on USNA. What followed was a diatribe about how my room was always dirty, I didn’t belong there…followed by a quiz on military history. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know much military history - perhaps embarrassingly little. But in my mind, West Point accepted me for reasons other than basic info that can be learned. I don’t feel like I should have to prove to my Dad that I belong at an academy (and I strongly believe I do) when the academy itself has already decided I am fit to attend.

If you read the long post, thanks. Any tips to make med-school focused parents change their mind?

[lostaccount]

So I’m a parent and can understand your parents. It isn’t that I would not be proud of my kid but I would be scared. I would rather my kid found another way to serve society. Don’t make up your mind about something so important on the basis of things like speculation that your dad is simply envious. I doubt that to be true. Rather, I’m sure he feels as I would even if he is not expressing that. I guess parents with a dozen kids may feel that they have spare, but I’d be genuinely scared to have my kid serving in the military. I’d be scared that he or she would not be coming home one day. I could not bear it and I’d worry from the day the kid accepted a slot in the school until the day the kid retired from service if I were still around. My hat is off to those parents who encourage their offspring to pursue a military career but I’d hate my own to do so. There are a lot of different ways to serve society and I’d rather a peace loving one then a military one. I am not anti-military and I’m not proud of this view but it is an honest one. If you got into West Point you are probably an outstanding candidate for any school and if I were your parent I’d be on my knees praying you chose a different one.

And if your dad feels this way, I doubt he will express it. It isn’t exactly PC to think or feel this way. it seems anti-American and greedy. So if your dad is a proud sort of person he may not express this but I bet his feelings are similar. There are many ways to serve society. Helping to heal sick people is one such way.

[SteezyMug]

Thanks for the reply, good to get a different perspective.

[Sportsman88]

No body loves peace more than the one who has been to war. I understand the fear and it while it is legitimate, it is often overblown. Even after the past decade of war, the casualty percentage is very low.

What is a high probability is deployments away from family, long hours, and mental and physical tests of endurance. But you will learn to be a leader and learn your limits are far beyond what you thought.

I am concerned when a student wants to go to USNA/USMA because his or her parents are pushing it. That will not get you through the arduous training you will endure for four years. If you have the fire in your belly, that will get you through.

It’s your life. You need to be able to articulate to your dad why you want to be an Army (or Naval) Officer. I expect you can do that or you would not have been offered admittance. Own the decision. Drop the emotion of the subject and have an adult discussion where you allow your dad to disagree with you and where you can disagree with him without being angry or forgetting you love each other. I know a fair number of folks whose parents were not supportive of a military academy until they actually saw what it did for their kids.

If you walk away, will you regret this forever? Don’t ask your dad to agree. Ask him to respect your decision. I’m a parent and I would love my kids to serve if they so desired. One may but not likely through a service academy due to her desired field which is not an option as an Ensign out of NROTC/USNA.

Yes, I say Go Navy, Beat Army! But 364 United, one day divided. Best wishes on your decision and your conversation with your dad.

[CAMidwestMom]

@SteezyMug Congratulations! As a parent, I can say that sometimes we just lose it and react wrongly. Of course we all don’t know all of the dynamics of your family, but I hope that in time, your parents will respect your path. Personally, I know some kids who very much wanted to go to West Point and had amazing stats and didn’t get in. It’s awesome that you want to serve in this way and it’s a tremendous opportunity. And lastly my son is in the Army, so I am not just saying all this with no first hand knowledge of the feelings of terror that comes when your kid tells you they want to do this. It is scary but I am so proud of him and I bet your parents will be of you too. They probably already are.

[VelveteenR]

I posted this to a similar question on the Service Academy Forums:

Our son sat us down a week before he went back to school for his junior year. He started simply, “Mom, Dad, I want you to know that I will be applying to service academies next year.” Never in a million years did we see that one coming, and he knew it. While we sat stunned and with poker faces (hopefully), he presented his simple case. I paraphrase, but some of this is etched on my memory forever:

I know that this is far from the plans I have always discussed with you (film school at USC), but something hasn’t rung true with me about that path for some time now. I guess I’ve known why for quite a while, but I know how you feel about the military, so I’ve hesitated to talk to you about it until I could clarify it to myself. I’m concerned that you hear me out and try to understand why I plan to serve my country before I consider doing any other thing. You have raised me to believe that “to him whom much as been given, much is expected.” You have provided me with so very much, so I think about that a lot. In fact, trying to understand what is expected of me informs all my decisions and is fundamental to the choice of college I make, the use I make of my education, and this next year is all about focusing on making the best college choices. You know that I love cinematography and have put many years of effort into that interest, but that’s just it. It’s just an interest. It will always be there for me. When I think about what I want out of my education and my life, I don’t think about shooting films. I think about meaning, I think about what all this education is for, I think about my talents and where I can best use them, and those thoughts always seem to end up with me in uniform. I want to serve my country, and I know there are many ways to do that, but I know that my education and experience have prepared me to be a candidate for officership in the military. This is how I want to serve. I will be applying to both Army and Navy, I hope with your blessing but, if not, I hope we can continue this discussion until you at least understand why this matters so much to me and why it seems so right to me.

I was dying inside as he said all this because I know my son. He made his case with the same quiet determination that drove him to choose a boarding school 2500 miles away from home at 14 when all of his friends were fine with our local high school offerings, the same tenacity to persevere along the path to earn his Eagle rank even though he was away from his troop most of his high school years, the same fearlessness with which he picked up an oar as a pudgy ninth-grader and said, “yes, I can do this.” Our varsity crew Eagle Scout was now telling us he would be pursuing a call to the military. It was done.

We probed every aspect of service we could think of with him to make sure he understood what he was getting into – as much as could be understood before the fact. Some of our questions included:

Do you understand how long the commitment is?

Do you understand that you will not be calling the shots?

Do you understand that the Army/Navy will use you where it sees fit, based on its needs, not yours?

Do you understand what an order is and its ramifications?

What is your understanding of “service?”

Who are you serving?

Where do you see yourself in service?

Do you understand what you might be giving up?

Are you willing to go this alone without support from us? (We are NOT moved by military installations)

Do you understand the term “ultimate sacrifice?”

Are you willing to make it?

Are there any conditions or circumstances under which you would not make it?

Do you know how much we love you?

True to his word, he completed the arduous application process far from home with no help from us. His boarding school also required eight other applications. We counted on the low acceptance rate or a DQ to make our military angst moot and to see him at one of his top-tier EA choices, but it was not to be. He chose USMA. We love him fiercely. We pray for him daily. We’ve buckled up to support him on this rough ride now that it’s started. We’re proud of our son for reasons that have nothing to do with the military but we know, without a doubt, that he will make a fine, fine officer.

@SteezyMug: There is probably nothing you can say that will change your parents’ minds. Fortunately for you, you are 18 and do not need their permission. Our son turned 18 the day before he received his appointment. There was nothing we could do, but we would not have stood in his way in any case. He made an adult decision, and we respect that.

So, accept the appointment. Be the best officer you can be. Stand tall in that uniform. Your parents don’t need to like it, but they love you and will certainly respect you. You will face tougher things in the military than your parents disapproval, count on that. But I bet that as they watch you earn those bars, they will come to an understanding of your choice and will support you. Parents are funny that way.

[LostTexan]

Being accepted to West Point is quite an accomplishment. Be proud of yourself. Your parents will come around.

[NEPatsGirl]

Congratulations! Keep the lines of communication open with your parents but in the end, know it is your choice. I have a son in the USAF and I could not be prouder. West Point will provide things that no traditional education can, things that in the end will benefit you substantially more than any university classroom could possibly hope to.