parents not on tour and at info session

Parents Forum
1

<p>A student I know has been doing college visits this summer.</p>

<p>X and her mother agreed that they'd get more information if they didn't stay together. X wanted to do the tour and info session and her mother felt that, in general, kids ask more questions when parents aren't there, so mom went off to roam about campus on her own, visit library, wander halls impressionistically, look at bulletin boards, etc.</p>

<p>According to X, the admissions office people at the colleges she visited repeatedly thought it was strange that she showed up unaccompanied to tour, info session, and interview. They would say things like "Where's your parent?" and appeared slightly nonplussed at the idea of a student (rising senior) just showing up alone.</p>

<p>X and parents were perfectly happy with separation, and X noted that the other kids on the tour and info session didn't ask many questions, deferring to parents, who asked plenty of questions. Other kids said very little, which meant that just about all the "kid-asked questions" came from X.</p>

<p>X and mother checked in with each other at lunch and at the end of the day, at which point each took turns leading each other through the interesting parts of campus they'd seen and related the interesting things they'd found or heard about. (All the buildings were still open at that point.)</p>

<p>All in all, it struck me as a very sensible approach to maximizing the amount of information obtained during the one-day college visits, but both X and her mother were surprised that the admissions folks considered it so unusual.</p>

<p>I thought admissions officers didn't like "helicopter parents" hovering, so I was also surprised to hear of this reaction. (In fact, I remember reading somewhere that there is a college that deliberately separates parents and students and runs parallel info sessions for the two groups, precisely because they find that students ask more and different questions when parents aren't there.)</p>

<p>X's approach is one my own daughter and I have been considering. </p>

<p>Since some colleges offer multiple info sessions and tours in the same day, we've even thought about going on separate ones. But in cases where that's not possible, I'd just as soon pass on attending the info session and tour, since I've been through plenty of them with my older kid.</p>

<p>Any thoughts or experiences to share from other parents would be welcome.</p>

2

<p>We rarely saw a student alone at info session/tour. I only remember one and I remember feeling an uncertain combination of admiration/sympathy for his being alone.</p>

<p>I certainly think it's fine for the kid to go alone or, as in your friend's case, parent and kid to do different things while on campus - "divide and conquer."</p>

<p>My overriding reaction to the scenario you describe is that these folks may be visiting the wrong schools. We visited one school that I perceived as very "nurturing," the type that might do what you describe - ask where the parent is, appear nonplussed.... This was a wonderful school, but neither we nor our S felt he needed that type of nurturing atmosphere. I have recommended it to friends who say that this is exactly what they're seeking for their kid.</p>

<p>Of course, the behavior of the Admissions folks may bear no relation to the atmosphere this kid will encounter as a student at these schools. But I would be asking if these schools are a fit for the more independent student s/he seems to be.</p>

3

<p>X and Mom-of-X sound like a good team, though it sounds like they don't visit more than one school in a day. That's an ideal pace to look at schools, but I imagine most families don't have time to do visits this way. </p>

<p>I'd guess we average one or two "solo" students each day in our sessions. I find that they are often relatively local or potential transfer students.<a href="In%20fact,%20I%20remember%20reading%20somewhere%20that%20there%20is%20a%20college%20that%20deliberately%20separates%20parents%20and%20students%20and%20runs%20parallel%20info%20sessions%20for%20the%20two%20groups,%20precisely%20because%20they%20find%20that%20students%20ask%20more%20and%20different%20questions%20when%20parents%20aren't%20there.">QUOTE</a>

[/QUOTE]
Early in my career, I took a friend's sister to an information session like this. Knowing some of the admission officers at the school, I assumed they'd "spot" me pretty quickly. But, I slipped into the "students only" session, which had no officers in it.</p>

<p>It certainly was a bit odd for this girl, who hadn't been to other sessions yet and didn't feel confident asking questions. For certain students (and parents), I imagine it'd be ideal.</p>

4

<p>Jeepers, I didn't know this was so uncommon! Last spring, I sent my son off to visit three colleges on his own (one was his sister's, at the other he was staying with a good friend, and the third was a short ride away from the second on public transportation). He went through all three tours and info sessions by himself (actually, he met a school friend and her mother on the first tour). Then I met him at the second school, spent a few hours there with him, and we went off to look at two other schools over the next two days. </p>

<p>We (his parents) knew plenty about the first two schools, and the third was a school he is unlikely to attend under any circumstances. </p>

<p>He was very proud of himself, and as far as I could tell talking to him he learned what he needed to know at all three schools. We had talked in advance about things to look for, and had visited one school together before this trip. I don't think he asked many questions at the info sessions, but he talked a lot with the guides at all three schools (much more than he did at the next two with me -- but by then he had figured out that 90% of the presentation at similar schools was going to be identical, so he spent a lot of time smirking).</p>

<p>I will also say that I tend to discount tours/info sessions as a source of more than trivial information about a college, so I did not think I was missing much. I knew they were pretty. I didn't really think twice about letting him go alone (and I plan to "let" it happen again with some of the schools he plans to visit in the fall).</p>

5

<p>we have toured 10 colleges so far this summer and My wife and I never go on the campus tours or meet with professors with our sons. We do sit in on any admissions pitches so we understand any process differences and possible programs.</p>

<p>As for the campus well the kids have to live there not us.</p>

6

<p>The "divide and conquer" strategy sounds great. It increases the variety of information collected, which has got to be helpful.</p>

7

<p>At the first campus visit, S had to be prodded into approaching students to ask about their experiences. After a couple such visits, he felt more at ease. He is not the type to ask questios in general meetings, but he had one-on-one meetings with profs at different schools without parents being there and seemed to be more comfortable interacting with them (after contacting them through email).<br>
I like the idea of student-only info sessions. They make students more willing to pose questions themselves.</p>

8

<p>I'm another parent of kids who did all college visits on their own. My son's only visits were overnights in the spring of his senior year - he was content to apply to schools sight unseen. My daughter wanted to visit the schools, AND she wanted to do it while school was in session, AND she wanted to do it on her own -- she was very adamant, so that's how it was done. She arranged with her teachers to take two weeks off during the fall of her senior year -- her first trip she went to Washington DC & New York, visiting & interviewing at American, GWU, Goucher & Barnard. She said everyone she met was very impressed with the fact that she had traveled so far on her own to visit the college - she felt she stood out in a positive way from other students she met who were with their parents. At the last minute, after arriving in NYC, she added NYU to her list, and was able to make it to a Saturday info session there before flying home on Sunday. About 3 weeks later, she flew east again, this time to Boston, where she visited BU & Northeastern, and also took a bus down to Providence to see Brown.</p>

<p>Since I wasn't there I have no idea whether my daughter asked questions during info sessions. But it certainly worked for her. Looking back at the list of urban schools she visited, I realize that these are the type which probably look for independent-minded, proactive kids -- so jmmom's comment about "fit" might be very much on target. </p>

<p>I will be sending my d. off in a month to a college that I have never seen, except in pictures. Obviously, every family should do what it is most comfortable with, but I do think that a kid can get a better sense of their own comfort level with a college if they spend some time without their parents in tow. The visiting completely on their own works well for kids interested in urban universities or suburban colleges near major cities; and if airfare is involved, it actually makes sense for the kid to travel alone. My d. could easily arrange accommodations with friends who live or attend school in the cities she was visiting, and her schools were all easily accessible with public transportation. So basically, in our case, it was more efficient for me to stay home.</p>

<p>In any case, my daughter ended up with a good set of choices that she felt very comfortable with, and I think that's all that matters.</p>

9

<p>I think a good approach would be to have the parents along on the tour (to see what they're going to be shelling out for...) and then the guide should drop the parents at a coffee bar or lounge area and take the kids to a separate area back at admissions where they can ask questions about what they have just seen. Meanwhile, parents could compare notes with each other. And then go pick up the kids. Some wandering around on your own is always a good idea.</p>

<p>At Bryn Mawr in the summer (when D was interviewed) we had one tour guide for just my D and me. I told her we had seen the campus once before and it was a blisteringly hot day--so could she find us a cool area where we could just talk to her for a while--she was very cooperative and informative.</p>

10

<p>I think it's great if the student feels comfortable enough to do the tour/session on their own. great showing of maturity on all sides. We didn't have the luxury of time to totally separate (spring break - ten colleges in five days) but told our son that if he was willing to stick close enough to the tour guide to actually hear what was being said then we would tag along at the back of the pack. Thus we were far enough from him to allow him the space to listen and ask questions as he saw fit. Some info sessions he sat by us, others he didn't. This allowed all of us to get a glimpse of the college in the short time allotted. The following spring break, he arranged overnight visits with kids from his high school at his top picks from his list of acceptances. We dropped him off and let him be, then offered to take his host(s) out to dinner the next evening so we could all discuss our impressions of the school. This seemed to work out great and the best part was that he realized that he would probably be happy at any of his top choices. I do agree that separate info sessions for only parents and only students is a great idea, but I guess it's not always feasible.</p>

11

<p>I went by myself to visit a small LAC this spring--I was staying with my sister (a current student), but none of the admissions folks knew that. They appeared confused but didn't say anything. </p>

<p>I definitely like the idea of separating the kids and parents. My ideal situation would be a tour together and then separate info sessions (because the kids really, truly, 100% don't care about what the parents do).</p>

12

<p>I really like this strategy of tackling college tours. When I set up an appointment for an info session/tour + meeting with a professor at our state school, my mom, being the go-to person for my admissions journey, assumed herself in. I had absolutely no problem with that and even felt a little more assured with her being there for the tour. However, when thinking about the meet up with the professor, I wondered if my mom would be "extra baggage." (no offense to her!). The thought of having a one on one conversation with someone from my department of interest sounded like a golden opportunity, but the details would definitely bore my mom. Plus the idea of "doing it alone" adds that sense of maturity.</p>

<p>I give kudos to all the kids who manage to conquer the admissions tour alone, especially for kids that need to travel cross country to complete the task. I think, however, that for a lot of parents, the touring and info sessions are something they (mildly) enjoy (I could be wrong, though). I'm sure some parents would feel left out if their kids told them they wanted to fly solo for something like this.</p>

13

<p>Is it possible that the college admissions reps worry that a solo visit means the parents aren't serious about sending their student to that particular college? I know this may be unlikely, given the excellent stories here about students who visit on their own, but perhaps the college reps expect parents to visit every college on their student's short list. If the parents don't come and there's no mention or explanation why, it could be seen as an interested student from a family that is disinterested or not supportive.</p>

<p>BTW, I really like the idea of splitting up and comparing notes later. It doesn't make sense for parents and students to do everything together on these visits.</p>

14

<p>DD just signed up for Legacy Weekend at my alma mater...she will be attending with her (long time guy) friend, also a legacy. It involves a Friday overnight, with some information sessions on Friday and a free day Saturday. She and friend decided early on to go by themselves, but since my D has not yet had an interview, she contacted Admissions and set up an interview on Sat. a.m. before she goes home. She explained she will be going by herself, she has already been there with us (to a spring info sesssion and tour) and that she did want to interview while she was there. Personally, I don't think Admissions office bat an eyelash when they see kids by themselves; we saw a few during our midwest college tour a few weeks ago. I spoke to one, and I commended him on his maturity in deciding to tackle the visits alone!</p>

15

<p>We recently took our son to a session where parents and students were divided--the student went off with one group of guides and professors, and the parents were divded into smaller groups. This seemed to work well and he got a very good feeling for what life on the campus was like.</p>

16

<p>Although I like the idea of divide & conquer, our time constraints also prevented this approach for most visits.</p>

<p>However, on the tours, we ended up separated (but in the same group) more often than not. Frequently, we found that we saw the same points of interest through very different eyes and ears, which provided good discussion too.</p>

<p>You don't have be physically separated to be miles apart in terms of perception.</p>

17

<p>We split up at times when there were multiple options, stayed together when their weren't. Being together wasn't necessarily redundant. Having three sets of eyes/ears/memories was useful in the group debriefing sessions later, what with assembling the spreadsheets, Powerpoint presentations, master trip diaries, and all.</p>

18

<p>What's wrong with splitting up? It shouldn't be the parent's choice, anyway. I went on some tours with my parents, and some without. Afterwards, we discussed what we liked. I ended up making a decision that I and my parents were happy with.</p>

19

<p>We have done a handful of tours and my impression was that they really aren't for the kids at all--they are sales jobs for the parents. The school has to make their case to the parent, who controls the money, as to why their particular school is worth the investment.</p>

20

<p>Cavalier, </p>

<p>No one has said it's wrong to split up; no one has said it's the parents choice.</p>

<p>The key phrase is "Afterward, we discussed..." I would add that it's probably as important to touch on the dislikes as well as the likes. Do that after each visit, and you'll end up exactly as you said: with a college you and your family are happy with.</p>