I am sorry to hear this about your son. I know he had been doing well. My own son, 24, is socially anxious to the point that when he missed a therapy session because he was away, and had told the doctor he was missing it, a month went by before he agreed to allow H to call and get him back in. We only knew he wasn’t going because his doctor bills immediately and the charge didn’t come up in my online insurance. Sometimes, our kids need us to intervene in things that other adult children don’t, so becoming his rep payee is probably a good idea. Do you already hold his power of attorney?
I hope your son rebounds soon and is released. And, YES, he is lucky to have you.
These legal issues are important. But it doesn’t sound like the OP is in a position to have power of attorney or that the daughter would agree.
Borderline personality disorder has quite a spectrum of severity and in recent past was kind of a catch-all diagnosis. From the details in the post, with a still young 21 year-old, I would want to convey a sense of hope. Even with severe brain-based psychiatric conditions, I have seen great improvements over time, sometimes in the late 20’s. It sounds like there are many issues that the OP’s family CAN work on and maybe resolve.
I am not even sure what meds the OP’s daughter is refusing. Antidepressants can be so helpful but many young people don’t want to take them. I think alternatives like Tai Chi, dance, meditation- exercise with some grounding qualities, can really be helpful. EMDR can be amazing for some: many therapists offer it and it is often used with borderline personality disorder since trauma is often a factor.
It is hard when a parent is tired from work and burned out from years of struggle. Sometimes the key is finding the right helping person who can come up with these ideas and also make the young person feel supported. That is no small feat-finding the right fit- but that would seem to be the best direction to go in.
At this point I guard my kids’ privacy but still want to share some positive thoughts at this hard time of year.
@compmom This thread wasn’t really intended to be about me and I wasn’t really looking for advice. Just making a place people with kids with issues can come and vent or say what is going on and spread support. And yes her therapist and doctor (when she went) both feel she can do better and can be on her own but will always have some issues to manage. They say a lot of these young adults don’t settle down to a real treatment routine that helps until their late 20’s. My daughter is open about her illness and doesn’t mind me sharing because she says it is good if it helps anyone else understand.
@MaineLonghorn so sorry you and your son are going through this. Triggers come from all directions and just when we least expect them.
Last night she was a little better and I think she finished all her work for her class. I feel a little better after hours of making Christmas cards, going to a scrapbooking class and working on a quilt. Still haven’t gotten the feel to start decorating.
OP- big hug. You have a lot on your plate and you sound like a terrific mom.
One thing that helped a close friend dealing with similar issues with a child- dial back your expectations for “the holidays” and create a little air pocket for yourself. In her case, she ended up taking every canceled movie night, drinks with girlfriends, or whatever she was looking forward to during the year and telling herself that it would all be OK because Christmas would be fabulous, they’d be a normal family, the house would look gorgeous, every fantasy like a Hallmark movie.
Her therapist helped her understand that the focus on “the perfect holiday” was undermining her ability to enjoy a much smaller scale but still beautiful and appropriate celebration. She can now buy pretty cookies at the bakery, throw on a CD of seasonal music, and relax after a long day at work without feeling like she’s cheating. Instead of working herself into a frenzy of perfection, she tries to do one nice thing every day which isn’t quite as taxing as the mega holiday ready for Martha Stewart season.
Just a thought. I know how frustrating it must be not to have your H onboard with what you know your family needs right now. Maybe enjoying one small thing every day will be more satisfying than trying to find the time and energy for a big time holiday right now?
And the other incredible thing the therapist told her (which I have adapted in my own life)- don’t catastrophize that just because THIS year you don’t (fill in the blanks) doesn’t mean you will NEVER (fill in the blanks). I.e. if one year you don’t have the time to send cards, that doesn’t mean you can’t send them next year. Or send them in January with a big “oops” on the envelope. If this year you can’t find an afternoon to work at the shelter, make cards for servicemen overseas, or whatever volunteer activity you usually do, they aren’t going to refuse you when you show up in March ready to help on some other project. I have found this very powerful when I get overwhelmed and angry and frustrated. Saying no to one more commitment next week doesn’t make me a bad person- it makes me human. And I can volunteer in February when NOBODY wants to show up to help; I can visit an old lady who just got out of the hospital in March; I can make dinner for a new mom on my block who has two toddlers and a crying infant in April and it will be just as appreciated as it would be tomorrow when I have four hundred things I need to be doing.
momocarly, there is already a thread at the parent café, a subforum of the parents’ forum, for parents of kids with disabilities, and just fyi many parents of kids with psych. challenges post on there. It may be a good place to vent and share and respond to others as well.
You have gotten lots of advice, not just from me. Your post certainly seemed to be asking for help.