<p>Well I remembered how much I enjoyed so many of the posts on this website when we were looking for info on college for my daughter. She got into her dream school, then it was my sons turn and here I am back again, though all 3 of them are in college!
We had a rough year, my son who is now sophmore, for the first time ever started having a mild depression, isolated himself a bit more than he ever has (despite being a normally very social kid who is very well liked amongst his peers), he started smoking pot, his grades suffered and needless to say it was not a successful year though he ended up pulling off a pretty high GPA second quarter at his highly competitive (but not ivy) school.
This year started off OK, got better but then when he got the flu and missed a midterm, was told by his professor that he could not make it up, we are still trying to get to the bottom of this. He became so frustrated and between that and being sick started going to class less and less, and becoming more withdrawn and more depressed. My intuition told me to bring him home and we have after a whirlwind of decision making decided he is better off getting a leave of absence for at least a semester until we can get him help(therapy) he will attend classes locally, to help get him on track. It is not ideal, I am already bracing myself for peoples questions that no doubt will arise, and their curiosity as to what brought him home. I think we have decided that we will say it wasn't quite the right fit for him.
So, now we will have our son home who needs monitoring, who needs a watchful eye to be sure he doesnt' get back into pot, to see that he attends his therapy sessions, to watch for his mood swings, and I have to say I have a lot of anxiety over it. Its particularly hard when we have 3 other kids who are all extremely successful and thriving...we constantly ask ourselves, what did we do wrong?
It is frustrating but being an optimist by nature, I am determined to correct this situation and get him back on track..........though I predict it will be a rocky road.
I just felt in my heart it was too risky having a child who was even moderately depressed away far from home, without family, super close friends,etc...in light of hearing of some tragic college suicides, I felt like it was well worth it if not for peace of mind, but mostly to get him "well" to have him back at home where we can hopefully offer the right setting and support to get him back on track. Anyone else out there go through anything like this?</p>
<p>Every single child in my family has clinical depression to some degree, and many of the adults have depression and/or anxiety issues, too. Without knowing specifics it’s hard to say, but generally speaking I think you need to back off from the urge to “correct.” If his being depressed is the issue here, it’s not just that he screwed up and did something wrong that needs fixing, he feels like crap and healing is a process and an adjustment that will take time and a LOT of support. I am not saying to take a hands off approach by any stretch of the imagination, but to approach it from a different angle. He doesn’t need you to “correct” him, per se, and you don’t have to feel like you did anything “wrong.” These things just happen to people sometimes, and it takes patience and love to get through it. Approaching it with the right attitude is essential for recovery. </p>
<p>I would also recommend speaking to his therapist yourself and asking them what you should be doing, and getting their help in understanding and coping with the situation on your end. That has been instrumental for my whole family in dealing with my sister. Her mental illness doesn’t just affect her, and the rest of us have needed some guidance in coping, too. There’s nothing wrong with that.</p>
<p>travellady,</p>
<p>Big hugs for you and for S, you are really going through a rough patch right now. I think your instincts are right, and you have done everything right and nothing wrong – despite this:
“we constantly ask ourselves, what did we do wrong?”</p>
<p>Show me a family in America that isn’t affected by addiction issues of one type or another! That’s right, there aren’t any. So just turn a deaf ear to questions and idle hurtful remarks friends, neighbors or anyone might make.</p>
<p>You’re right, he does need the therapy, and people will probably suggest NA or AA, and that can help a lot.</p>
<p>A couple of things and then I will shut up (because you will surely get a whirlwind of great advice from folks here)–</p>
<p>– resist the impulse to compare him to his siblings, or compare him to his former “normally very social and well liked” self, no matter how frustrated you get with him. Trust me, he is disgusted with himself enough as it is. Reminding him how great he ‘could’ be is just salt in the wound.</p>
<p>– make sure, if he is taking college courses locally, that there is not some downside to the arrangement. If he decides to remain a student at Competitive U. and just take a semester or year off, he might be treated as a transfer student, or may be dropped by Competitive U.</p>
<p>– I think it’s a rarely-discussed but extremely common thing for students to take time off for whatever reason. It doesn’t need to be explained, really, to anyone. It is just a hiatus, period.</p>
<p>– I have a sneaking suspicion that your S has a perfectionist streak a mile wide. Am I right? Perfectionism can start that self-sabotaging domino effect. You said things went south with the missed midterm and not being able to make it up. I have a kid like this, and it is very hard. I try to drive home the message “it is okay to just exist. I just want you to sit in this room with me, that’s all I want right now.”</p>
<p>Please try to enjoy the holidays if you can. You will be running interference, but I hope the other family members will help.</p>
<p>All the best to you.</p>
<p>Thanks for the above messages and kind words. I will be the first to admit, unlike the family above, there is no depression or mental illness that I am aware of in either my or my husbands families…so this is a foreign land to me. I have no idea how to navigate this rocky road, but feel I can help him much more with him being here than I can from afar. He is also a little immature for his age so I think still needs us around not on top of him but around to help with planning his life and decision making. Yes, he does have a bit of a perfectionist quality to his personality, its all or nothing. I didnt’ use the proper word, when I said “correct”, his life; I really meant to help him get back on track, to feel good and confident about himself again, to get back the drive and motivation to do well and want to succeed, all of which he has lost. I know there is no quick fix, and I know this will not happen overnight, but I am prepared to walk the path that it will take for “us” as a family to get him through this and mostly to know we are here for him. Thanks so much for the kind and sweet words…I knew I came to the right place:)</p>
<p>My thoughts are with your family. I believe the keys will be (1) finding the right therapist and, if medication is needed, the right psychopharmacologist (interview them at length and be sure they have worked with boys his age frequently) and (2) ensuring that neither you nor your son feels guilty about the situation.</p>
<p>An old friend–and very successful lawyer–just disclosed to me that he has suffered from depression for over a decade. I had never seen any sign of it. He credits his medication with enabling his success; I think he and his loved ones also merit credit for their understanding and not regaridng his taking medication as a mark of shame.</p>
<p>Consider whether high anxiety is also an issue–it is oftenhard to tell the difference and both can exist in the same person.</p>
<p>Care not what your friends, neighbors and relatives think about his return–have you seen how few kids go through college in 4 uninterrupted years at the same place? And I suspect many of those families have someone with similar challenges.</p>
<p>I would disclose the issue to the school, in case he wants to go back.</p>
<p>Consider if group therapy is a good option for him to see he is not alone.</p>
<p>Find out what your insurance coverage is for treatment and medications and whether any notifications are needed.</p>
<p>Do not expect miracles, but do not despair.</p>
<p>Hi there. I have had this same experience with my oldest. Sadly, I didn’t “hear” his message loudly enough to realize he needed to come home. Disasterous spring semester could have been avoided. There was a time he smoked pot or drank too much, but honestly I think that was to find distractions from his stresses. When he left, the day before his finals, the teachers were hardly easy-on-him. An English professor allowed him to take a few weeks w/ an incomplete and then finish a paper 6 weeks into the summer. But one professor gave him a 0 for the final, so he averaged a C+ which stinks b/c it was in his major. I forget the others.</p>
<p>He left his school on-leave and could have gone back. That summer, he started at our local state university branch, but the atmosphere there was terrible: no school spirit, more like a bad community college. Teachers were terrible. Although he has documented LD, their resource person was totally incompetant. We should not have jumped so quickly, but we also wanted him to “get back on the horse right away.”</p>
<p>Finally, he’s in a good place. Different, much less competitive LAC, where the teachers actually listen to him. Looking back, I’d say he mostly needed to be nearer to home too.</p>
<p>My suggestion if I had to do it over:
- acted sooner
- find a good alternative school that’s closer to home, and maybe less competitive than the top school he was in
- After one semester as a commuter, let him reside in his new school, just have him come home often to de-stress He still should have the “college experience”.
- be very involved… for instance, take him out to dinner once a week, or meet his professors (sounds like I’m suggesting you to be a helicopter parent, but the message is simply that you care/you’re not pushy)
- get him extra help for classes
- be a good listener
- find a good person for him to talk to, but be a part of that therapy</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>{{{{{ Hugs and prayers for you, your son, and your family }}}}}</p>
<p>Oh I feel for you. I would have done the same thing, I know it. With the love of his family, he can regain his happier self. The very best wishes to you and your family</p>
<p>Travellady, I don’t have any experience with this type of situation so I’m sorry that I can’t offer you any advice. However, I think you’re doing the right thing trusting your instincts and bringing him home. I’d have done the same in a heartbeat. All the best to you and your son.</p>
<p>We have had this experience in our family as well.</p>
<p>A couple of things: it sounds like the professor’s refusal to give him a make-up exam was a trigger for some of this. I would definitely deal with this, even legally if you have to. If your son was really sick with the flu, the professor’s actions were outrageous. I am curious what has happened with that issue. This isn’t the only story I have heard of a kid missing out because of the flu: colleges need to enforce fairness and professors need to be reasonable in accommodating students who miss exams due to health reasons.</p>
<p>It is good that one professor is giving him an incomplete. But the “0” grade should also be contested. Has your son, or have you, communicated with anyone at the college about the situation, beyond your son talking with the professor one on one?</p>
<p>Have you checked the medical leave policy at his school? Some schools require a full year absences for such leaves, and also require that the student work full-time for 6 months before considering them for reentry. Some even require that the student apply all over again. If he is not interested in returning, none of this will matter, but if the conditions for return are are onerous, it is good to know that before taking any action.</p>
<p>Your son is, presumably, 18 or over. You will have little ability to do anything for him in terms of talking with therapists, making him go, even finding one for him. They won’t talk to you, their offices won’t talk to you beyond the most preliminary interaction, and insurance won’t talk to you either. Just be prepared for this. Your son can refuse to go and you cannot do anything about it.</p>
<p>From what I have seen and heard with 3 kids who have been or are in college, many, many students are very depressed, and/or anxious. At top colleges, I have heard more than half are on antidepressants. I would almost focus on the normalcy of his experience, rather than making it pathological. Medications may turn this around in a couple of weeks: it really is possible. Therapy consolidates that progress and can prevent patterns that lie behind this whole episode, but it is possible that he will come out of his depression fairly rapidly with meds. So you (and he) will definitely have to plan for health, not just illness.</p>
<p>While your maternal instincts may tell you to sort of enfold him with love and support, this can also be very difficult and threatening for kids this age. It can be a sort of impossible situation in which they obviously need us, but also have an equal need to be independent. Coming home can be a comfort, but also can be humiliating and feel like a step back into the past for them when they have been on their own for a bit.</p>
<p>One of our kids went on a medical leave due to neurological issues. I arranged, for the first month, that she stay with a friend of mine who owns a condo in NYC. We were lucky to have this family friend. This stay in NYC was sort of a transition for her, and made it feel less like she was slinking back home.</p>
<p>Try to be matter of fact and not tragic, if you know what I mean. Your tone and attitude can convey a lot that is not spoken. Empathy is nice, but also can undermine confidence. it is tricky.</p>
<p>Just some thoughts. Everyone is different.</p>
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<p>that is alarming. Should make everyone wonder that maybe we(parents, society?) are putting too much pressure on our kids. You see it here on CC all the time…kids freaking out because they got a “B” in a class and thinking they no longer will get accepted to their “dream school”. The pressure to take a s many AP classes as possible…college level classes in high school?..sorry, I don’t get that…college level courses should be taken by 17-18 year old COLLEGE kids, not 15-16 year olds. Every year it seems to get worse…kids are not being allowed to be kids.</p>
<p>Your situation is so emotionally challenging but not uncommon. Our senior S was diagnosed in his junior year of HS with depression and mild ADD. A combination of meds plus professional counseling have helped him. But as all parents in this situation know, progres is sliow. It is not unusual to have two steps forward and one step back. We are going through the application process now, although S is unsure if he even wants to attend. A gap year may be the best for him, but that, too, has its pros and cons. Balancing the natural urge to want to take care of and monitor a child with the need to let them migrate to independence is like a high-wire act. I think your situation underswcores the fact that there is really no right and wrong. Each situation is unique. I think many of us, in these situations, hope that professional help will bring solutions for our sons and daughters, but there are no easy answers.</p>
<p>I agree geeps, it’s rather alarming all the anecdotal stories on the forums these days of the kids falling apart, not being able to room and get along with other kids etc. etc. I really hope this is just a small fraction of kids that are just being amplified in “our” environment. OP, all the best to you and your family. I sincerely hope your son can get back on track or on a track he’s happy with, it sounds like you are doing all the right things.</p>
<p>Did/does he like the school overall? The test grade is unfair and I’d at least investigate it further. But, given that you describe it as ‘mild’ depression, I wonder if staying at school (assuming there’s a good counseling service there) might be a way to go. A good friend’s daughter suffered a very similar thing, and staying there seemed to help her deal, whereas, for her at least, coming home would have broken a lot of what was good and stable for her. With the help of her counselor, (and some meds), she was better within a few months, still on the path to her BA. She did very well in her last two years, graduated and has a great job in her field…it was a bump in the road, nothing more. This was a top school too and I think they tend to have top counseling programs, and an understanding of the stress kids face in college. </p>
<p>So-- I wanted to offer that, along with hopes that he feels strong and confident again soon!</p>
<p>One thing no one here has emphasized, I think, is that with all this stress you need to take care of yourself. And make it a priority. </p>
<p>When our kids have issues of depression, as I’ve discovered mine has, or drug use, we keep trying to figure out what to do for them, which is only natural. We love our kids. But dealing with someone chronically ill takes a lot out of you, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Dealing with this illness, or any illness for that matter, means you have to be at your best and can’t allow yourself to get worn down and tired, and PLEASE, stop worrying about “what did we do wrong?” Depression is an illness, you didn’t do anything wrong. You just have to be in a position to support and help. Its like the warning on airplanes to put on your own oxygen mask first when the cabin loses pressure so that you can help your baby put on his. </p>
<p>Are you getting enough physical exercise? This will relieve tension and help you sleep.
Are you eating right and regularly? Ignoring food makes you cranky and tired.
Cut down on smoking or drinking if you do either too much. It’ll be hard, but you need a plan to help your boy, not an escape.<br>
Got a spiritual practice? Church, temple, mosque, whatever, won’t solve your boy’s problems, but they might give you the strength to help him solve his.
And find a support group. Many exist to help families cope with depression. Ask your son’s therapist (I presume he has or is getting one) about this, or your own doctor or clergy. It is invaluable to realize that you are not alone. </p>
<p>Lastly, I don’t believe these things should be hidden. People try too often to pretend they have the perfect child. No one’s kid is perfect. I think its fine to tell people the truth: “my son had tot take time off from school, he’s become depressed and we’re working to help him.” You’ll feel better not evading the question, you’ll find out who your real friends are, and as I did, you’ll again find out that you aren’t alone. I don’t discuss my son’s depression as matter of casual conversation, but I don’t shy away from it either when the matter comes up. You’ll be able to tell when to “disclose” and when not to. Trust your instincts. </p>
<p>My heart goes out to you, as I know the situation. Just give it time. Don’t worry so much about how and where he will finish college. He’s got a whole life for that. Take care of yourself, so you can take care of him.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wonder if you are aware of the new federal law that allows students to stay on their parents’ medical insurance when they are ill. Here is a post I made some time ago on another thread. You can also google “Michelle’s Law.”</p>
<p>Did anyone read this article in today’s New York Times?</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009...0policy&st=cse[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009...0policy&st=cse</a></p>
<p>The gist of the article is that a new federal law that took effect on Friday allows college students to take up to a year off school for medical reasons and remain on their family’s health insurance plan. It seems to me that this is a pretty huge deal.</p>
<p>Just seconding the questions in Gwen Fairfax’s post, which I sort of hinted at in mine. Letting him come home may be the absolute best thing. It is obviously hard to tell from an online thread. But is it possible to work with the college to help him stay? (Depression can be documented and registered with the disability office, if your son is willing, which might have helped or still help with some of the accommodations that were refused. This can be a very temporary situation). If the depression is not mild, I withdraw the comment! Also, since you mention “mood swings,” is there any chance he is bipolar?</p>
<p>Again, I think the decision also depends on how onerous the requirements are for returning from leave. Going back to a school a whole year later can be very disruptive to social life (friends and classmates lose touch, for instance), and emotional development as well as academics. Sometimes the leave is absolutely needed, but there are costs as you seem very aware- at least if the student returns to the same school. Your instincts are probably totally right, but it is always good to question our instincts too.</p>
<p>p.s. I have also read that many kids who have dreamed of being at such and such a college, and have spent years preparing for that day, get depressed once there, because the goal was to get there, not to enjoy it once there. This does not appear to apply to the original poster’s son, but just to expand on what I wrote before about depression on campus.</p>
<p>I heartily agree with Big Apple Daddy!</p>
<p>This will take an unbelievable toll on you as he so eloquently described. You really will be a much better mom if you care for yourself.</p>
<p>Once again, big hugs and just know that more people have been in your shoes than you can imagine.</p>
<p>“We are going through the application process now, although S is unsure if he even wants to attend”</p>
<p>My kid finally asked if we’d be disappointed if she just stayed home and went to the CC. That is what she was ready for. So far it is working out well for her. Keep it in mind as an option.</p>
<p>My sis’s kid had one bad grade due to his inattention to due dates that resulted in a ruined semester - he lost hope, etc. He dropped out of that school, but is scheduled to obtain his BS in a few weeks at another. So hang in there!</p>
<p>As you assist your son over the next months, remember that the kid who got in to a competitive school is likely very disppointed in himself for ‘failing’ and, perhaps, a bit scared that he is not as smart as he thought, etc. </p>
<p>He needs to rebuild his self esteem a little at a time, baby steps, small things that would not have been worthy of notice before, can help him grow now.</p>
<p>You cannot and should not try to do the work for him, but you can help him by showing him the path back, encouraging him to take those baby steps toward self-respect and praising those small accomplishments.</p>