<p>amandakayak - you and your DH know your kids the best. Look in your heart. How did you feel after reading our reactions? That should give you your answer which is the right answer for your family. You know what needs to be done. Trust in yourself.</p>
<p>First, major apologies to PHB for referring to her beautiful daughter as a DS (totally a typo, sorry, now wiping egg off face).</p>
<p>As way of re-introduction: I have two handsome sons. DS1 graduated and will be attending Princeton in the fall on an Army ROTC scholarship (DH was career Army Officer and retired after 26 years, and is still working as a civilian for Uncle Sam). DS2 is entering 9th grade (hence my board name, 1st will graduate college in 2015, 2nd will graduate HS in 2015) so only one college payment at a time for us also (we pay room/board for DS1, Army picks up tuition, fees and books). DS1 is very serious, with quite a good sense of humor that many are surprised to see since he shows it only when he knows someone fairly well. DS2 is a clown (seriously, he clowns for fun and church and is a balloon artist). They are as different as night and day and they keep me on my toes!</p>
<p>DS1 will arrive at school on Sep 3 for a 1 week outdoor adventure (backpacking trip for bonding) before school starts. Then orientation week begins. It’s been too easy compared to some of you. He had to pick classes, but they are just suggestions until the orientation week when he will meet with advisors and come up with final schedule. He will pick freshman seminars and they will choose which one he gets (could be fall or spring semester). So no stress over class choices. Dorm assignment and roommate is all random also, so no drama their either. It will be what it will be. I guess they can do this as a smaller school. DS was interested and accepted at Texas A&M and they had summer orientations. I really think those weeks are the only way to handle large student populations. It would be fun to have a week during the summer to go check out college life, though.</p>
<p>On the alcohol front. When DS went to admit days at Princeton, the one thing that turned him off and almost made him turn down the school was the prevelence of alcohol on campus. The dorm he stayed in was decorated with beer cans, etc. He’s pretty adament that he won’t be drinking. Like OWM, we have family history on DH’s side of alcoholism, and DS is well aware of it and doesn’t want to go there. Luckily he voiced his concerns at the admit days, and the guys he roomed with assured him that he wouldn’t be forced to drink (peer pressure) and he’d find his group of friends. That made him feel much better about the school. Also, since he’s on ROTC scholarship he can’t drink (underage and get caught) or he will lose his scholarship. He definitely doesn’t want to do that! He knows how much that scholarship is worth, and he’s wanted to be a military officer his entire life. </p>
<p>The other lucky thing is he went on a music trip to Europe last year. Parent’s could sign a form allowing kids to have one drink with dinner (beer/wine) if they would allow students to drink. We did so since we did want him to experience social drinking. He came back saying it wasn’t a big deal (and the wine they provided was table wine, and not very good). We’ve also been open at home about letting them taste beer/wine so there’s no mystery at our house. I’m sure those drinking parties go on around here, but DS doesn’t hang with that crowd. He hasn’t really gone to many parties, and the ones he goes to are with his band friends, who are all pretty straight laced, and I know the parents and they don’t serve alcohol. </p>
<p>We don’t live in a fantasy world, and know he will try drinking at college. Hopefully he will be smart about it if he does choose to do so. He’s a rule follower, so I doubt he will do anything that could lose his scholarship, though!</p>
<p>my d has always been very anti-alcohol, partly because she is a control freak and doesn’t want to do anything stupid. she also is a huge rule follower and won’t drink in the US b/c it is illegal. That said, she went to Costa Rica this spring. The drinking age there is 18. She was 18 and was with a lot of friends. She played a drinking game for the first time. Got very sick and realized that she never wants to do that again. It was a good lesson for her to have before she went away to college.</p>
<p>AmandaK: My opinion is not an unbiased one and, as I guess all of our opinions are, is based on personal experiences. The stance that we have taken here is that drinking under the age of 21 is illegal. We do not serve alcohol to our kids or to their friends. My attitude toward alcohol is colored by the fact that I grew up with an alcoholic father who eventually (this past Feb) died of cirrhosis. It is not a pretty way to die and, to be honest, it was not a pretty way to live at times. His father, my grandfather, was also an alcoholic. We have made it clear to our sons that they may be predisposed genetically to alcoholism and that they must be more careful than others who may not have this predisposition. I am hoping that they wait to drink until they are 21, when their brain cells are more developed and when they are – perhaps – able to make mature decisions about drinking responsibly. Our oldest son turned 21 this past spring. He doesn’t hang with a drinking crowd at college and I have no doubt that if he chooses to drink that he will be a responsible social drinker. S2 has a mix of friends – some who drink and some who don’t drink. So far he doesn’t seem to be inclined to follow the crowd. He says, “That’s not who I am.” We’ve been very straightforward with our expectations and I think that if we were to offer him alcohol here at home so that he could practice, it would send a confusing message to him. And to our other children.</p>
<p>I with Rodney onthe drinking issue - look, we all know that it is illegal and many kids get through HS without drinking…however I do think it is naive to think that most kids (there are exceptions) will wait until they are 21. Many kids have been totally focused on getting into college but now they are in, their social scene is going to drastically change. I believe that if they haven’t tried it, most will their first semester away and it won’t be with fine wine at dinner. </p>
<p>I think it is very important for kids to understand their limits. When we were going to college, kids drink drank beer at parties. Nowadays it is vodka mixed with some type of gatorade-like drink. Easier to get it, easier to hide it. Many kids don’t understand the delayed reaction to alcohol and could easily drink too much without realizing it. </p>
<p>So, AK, I think the decision for you and your H is do you want your S first exposure to be in a dorm or at at home? He has basically told you he wants to try it.</p>
<p>BTW - I would never give it to any other kid or host one of those sleepovers…or let my D knowingly attend one.</p>
<p>Wow - this thread is hard to keep up with, but such a wonderful group - caring, informative and funny! </p>
<p>The alcohol issue is very prevalent in our neighborhood. Some kids start around 13 years of age! My older D is vehemently opposed to even trying any form of liquor and never has. While younger D (16) has already “experimented” with friends. I have been very open on this subject with both kids. It is against the law and dangerous for a minor, so, no they do not have my permission to drink. OTOH, I have also said that if they are going to drink they need to do it in moderation, warning them (really the 16 year old) that every action has consequences. I’ve seen too many alcohol related problems with my friends from our teen years - car accidents, pool party accidents (one left a good friend paralyzed for life), addiction problems (my own ex-husband) to condone it for a minor.</p>
<p>Yes, college kids do have to learn how to be responsible for their own actions and this includes drinking. I just hope and pray that what I have told them sinks in and they remember it when pressured/coaxed/invited to indulge in drinking games.</p>
<p>D1’s orientation starts 8/27 and lasts about a week. First day of orientation includes separate activities for parents. Will fly down with both kids. I haven’t even looked to see if school has a Parent’s Weekend, but if they do, probably will have to pass.</p>
<p>Tomorrow, we do a little dorm shopping to take advantage of a few Fourth of July sales! HAPPY HOLIDAY TO ALL!</p>
<p>I guess I will reintroduce myself. I am a wife of an Active duty USAF officer and the mother of three. I have homeschooled two through high school graduation and have one more to go. D is going to University of Alabama and we are moving to Huntsville, AL in a few weeks (8 days till the packers, 16 days until we leave town (northern VA, DC suburb), and 19 days till we close on our new house). D had narrowed down her selection of schools to ones in Alabama before we knew we were moving to AL. </p>
<p>In terms of drinking- our oldest was living in Belgium when he went to college and he had a drink before college. He is an infrequent drinker now and has no issues with drinking. Our d who is almost 18 has never had more than a sip. She doesn’t like alcohol and won’t drink it. She also can’t drink because of medications she takes. I am not worried about her because if she doesn’t like the way something tastes, she won’t drink it.</p>
<p>My daughter was determined to try and make money as a dancer over the summer – so far, not very successful!</p>
<p>A friend’s dad paid her to dance at his sales stall at a local festival to help draw in customers, but he got an unfortunate out-of-the-way space, so she never had more than one “audience member” (outside of friends!)</p>
<p>Last Friday she and a friend decided to be street performers at our local pedestrian mall (where street performances are pretty common). Her boyfriend went along and she danced while her friend drummed. They got more of an audience this time – quite a few people watching from a distance and even taking photos and videos. But not a very generous crowd – they made $1.25 in tips! One creepy looking older man asked her if she’d come do a private performance at his hotel! She handled it well – telling him she does not do private performances and then she and her friends headed to a different location. She says they’re going to try again!</p>
<p>On alcohol: I think it’s a terrible idea for parents to host parties and serve alcohol to teens, though I’ve heard it rationalized as “they’re going to do it anyway.” I don’t agree! I guess I have it pretty easy with mine not having much interest in drinking. She did drink wine every evening when she visited a friend in France (with our permission).</p>
<p>I think it’s a good idea (for those who are okay with it!) to let your kid have a glass of beer or wine with a meal, which kind of normalizes it and takes away the mystique, as others have mentioned. But I don’t like the idea of having your kid purposely get drunk.</p>
<p>One thing that also helped my daughter was a discussion with her older cousin (a great role model!) The cousin explained the different levels of getting drunk and strategies for not going too far. I do think my daughter will eventually drink, but she’s not in any hurry.</p>
<p>Regarding summer orientations and fall parents weekends: Well, there are some advantages to living fifteen minutes from the university!</p>
<p>momofboston: I’m not naive. I do know that S2 will face the temptation to drink and will need to make that decision at college. He has been in situations in high school where alcohol was available and his friends were drinking and he chose not to. I don’t expect that all will wait until they’re of legal age to drink. I do hope that mine is one who waits, given our family history. He may choose to try it at school. I won’t offer it at home so that he can drink to his limit while I watch.</p>
<p>Hey everyone!</p>
<p>I am mostly a lurker. I think I posted on the old thread once to say my d is going to Tulane.</p>
<p>We live in Iowa and have two kids. D is 18 and headed to NOLA at the end of August, her cousin is driving her down. We have a younger 13 yo son who is going into 8th grade.</p>
<p>D is planning on studying molecular and cellular biology and hopes to go to medical school. </p>
<p>This seems like a friendly bunch, I am looking forward to getting to know you all!</p>
<p>Welcome bajamm! Great to see all the new names.</p>
<p>D is allowed to drink in our home (which is legal). She sometimes will have a glass of wine if we are serving it with dinner (infrequent), celebrating an occasion (her 18th birthday) or occasionally having a mixed drink that we make with with kahlua (like a coffee milk shake). However, as a few of the other posters have said, D has family history of alcoholism on both sides of H’s family so we have been very clear on the potential for abuse. She had the occasional glass of wine while in Italy, with our permission as it is legal there. As far parties, she is not allowed to drink at peer parties at all. Mostly because of the driving angle and she knows there would be civil and parental penalties if she violates the drinking and driving rule. She has disclosed the parties where there was going to be alcohol and chose not to go up until now. However there is an afternoon party for graduation coming up which she wants to go to, and where there will be alcohol. We told her she could go, and she assured us she would not be drinking ( of this group of kids only about 1/2 drink to get drunk and some get high- D does neither). I basically intend to trust but verify. </p>
<p>I think you have to figure out what works out best for your own child- and the right answer for one may not be the same for another. I am pretty sure that D at some point will have too much to drink, but it will not be to get wasted but merely a misjudgment (she is her mother’s daughter). I pray there are no adverse consequences but we repeat our mantra- “Better drowned than duffers, if not duffers won’t drown.” Judgement has to be learned and we have done our best to impart the importance of making good decisions.</p>
<p>* * * * * * *** * * * * * * </p>
<p>Happy July 4th of July</p>
<p>I think the drinking issue may be harder with kids like many of ours because they do not drink, do not intend to drink and hang out with kids that feel the same way. My husband and I never drink wine with dinner so it’s not something we would whip out to offer our kids. I don’t drink so my kids don’t see me drinking socially. My husband does drink so they do see that. Neither of my husband’s or my parents drank either so serving alcohol for any celebrations is not the norm for us. I’m saying it’s a problem because when they get to college that may be the first time they see people quite similar to themselves drinking and then decided, what the heck, I’ll try this! And then become overwhelmed and drunk. If you are in a safe setting, that’s probably fine, but as we all know stupid things happen and bad choices are made. </p>
<p>My oldest child went to a college that prohibited drinking for all students and the norm was not to drink. I think she enjoyed that bubble of a four years where it wasn’t an issue. After college when she was on her own (and living in China) she became a social drinker. I can’t say for sure how that worked out, but I don’t think it was very smooth.</p>
<p>So, I don’t know how you teach kids to drink lightly and socially if you yourself don’t drink at all. I know many adults that don’t drink but if you watch any tv or go to the movies you would find that impossible to believe. It’s not the norm around here for parents to supply alcohol at parties with kids and there are very stiff penalties for doing that. My son and his friends do not drink. Knowing my older kids felt exactly the same way before they went off to college, I’m not making any guesses for his future in that area.</p>
<p>HAPPY 4TH OF JULY</p>
<p>My son the clown is in a local parade today. I’m off to take pics and video. Then a street party this evening. I hope you all enjoy this Holiday with loved ones.</p>
<p>Happy 4th of July!!! :)</p>
<p>I am soooo far behind in the posts…
Welcome to all the newbies!</p>
<p>Hi All
Happy 4th of July.</p>
<p>On the drinking issue–it is so complicated. Friends living in Germany tell me about the lower drinking age and how its common for the after-prom clubbing (via limo).</p>
<p>When we lived overseas, wine was a “food group” and served with lunch and dinner. Consider healthful. And drinking was expected to be in moderation as drunkenness was considered to be bad form.
Hard alcohol was had via a very small glass after dinner…whether that was a whiskey or digestive etc.</p>
<p>We have alcohol in our home and routinely have wine with dinner.
Both of our students have been offerred a taste …our younger student has had a taste and didn’t care for it…the older declines outright. </p>
<p>Both are athletes and our recent grad will be a scholar-athlete at college. Its more than difficult to do 2 practices a day (one on their owna nd one with team) plus classes etc …and kiddo will be at an early Sat am practice–about 7am if not earlier–all year.</p>
<p>I know our kiddo was offered/asked to play beer pong while on college visits, and also some driving/Mario video/beer type of game is I gather popular. Kiddo declined both. What helped kiddo choose the U was that it was “cool” either way, and there didn’t seem to be a stigma to not drinking. There is plenty of drinking on the U’s campus and it is considered a safety issue. And we have used examples such as the Duke lacrosse team party etc as examples of bad situations since the kids were much smaller.</p>
<p>Both DH and I attended universities where alcohol played a huge part of the culture–though the age was 18 then-- and dime drafts, $0.25 long necks etc were common and the local Rock 101 subsidized special $1.01 mixed drinks at local bars. Binge drinking was a “sport” before the term binge drinking was coined…
Sp we have try to model better choices as adults/parents because we know they will follow more of what they see than what we say…</p>
<p>I know that our student wouldn’t go for the “try it/get drunk at home” method because right now kiddo is very very “anti” alcohol…
yet thats where our kiddo is and each teen is approaching this issue from their own life experience.</p>
<p>There is however some wisdom in the OP’s H’s idea–because the idea of taking away the mystery of it and facing the consequences of a hangover might bring about some awareness. The thing is the kids face risks now, both for boys and girls re alcohol, hooking up and regret later…
Having the frank discussions and keeping those lines of communication open is so important.</p>
<p>It’s legal in our state to serve alcohol to your own student and illegal to serve it to other minors…we hear about the grad parties etc…where the “cool” kids’ parents are doing that and cannot believe they do it, let alone take the risks.</p>
<p>The reason I object to AKs Hs suggestion to sit S down with a six pack and then watch him get drunk is that it implies that the purpose of drinking alcohol is to get drunk. I think thats a terrible message to send speaking as someone who likes wine with dinner, a cold lager after mowing the lawn on a hot day, sharing a jug of Pimms in the pub garden. I could go on and on! These are all pleasures that AKs S may discover for himself when hes of legal drinking age. </p>
<p>If the suggestion was to help S understand what his limits are, then it may be valuable. Again, what about offering the boy a beer at the family cookout (if thats legal). He may find the first one pleasantly thirst quenching. The second may leave him a bit bloated and if he has a third, ask him to recite a tongue twister. </p>
<p>And if kids dont want to drink so much the better. There are certainly health issues which must be emphasized . We can only trust that our kids have the inner strength to resist peer pressure whether its trying drugs, buying the latest sports shoes, drinking, etc. … </p>
<p>Nice to see someone else applies the Swallows and Amazon telegram (better drowned than duffers….) as a child rearing technique!</p>
<p>D packed for her orientation last night (she leaves tomorrow). The goal was to fit everything she needed for 3 days, including bed linens, into a carry-on. She did it, helped by the fact that it’s summer and she can manage with a mini-pillow. She’s very excited.</p>
<p>I won’t hear the report from her trip for a few days after she gets back, darn it. I’m very excited, too.</p>
<p>Have a great day, everyone. We’re having a quiet time up here.</p>
<p>Hi, can anyone join this party? ProudMomof S here. S1 (and only) heads off to Pomona College the 3rd weekend in August, pretty early compared to most. We had an awfully topsy-turvy college selection process. Technically Pomona was 5th on his list of 10 applications. He was denied at yale & stanford, wl’d at Princeton & Brown (to no avail). Got a full ride scholarship offer to UNC but decided to turn it down in lieu of P. Hes happy and excited about Pomona. I’m exhuasted from it all, haha. And really emotional from it all too and the fact we are 6 weeks away. The alcohol question. When I grew up, legal age was 18. College was college. I survived; no major damage but lucky in lots of ways. S doesnt seem to have an interst or a taste. I plan on one short, sweet lecture on behaving responsibly including one piece of good advice I read to give to college kids: Only indulge in 1 risky behavior at a time. Lets face it: It is a time to test their wings. All we can hope (and maybe pray) is that they have confidence and wisdom to make the right choices. Most will dapple; its a time of learning and testing. But lets hope our 18 years of guidance has an impact that allows the experimentation to be growth opportnities and not ultimtely harmful to themselves and others.</p>
<p>@mathmom – Yes, the ones we have are the original Bend-A-Roos brand. I did notice a commercial on TV yesterday for a similar product but with a different name; maybe those are the one that got a bad review. </p>
<p>As for alcohol, DS will be playing a varsity sport in the fall, with early morning practices and two games each weekend. If that’s not enough to keep him off the drink, he will also get a stern lecture from us before the end of the summer.</p>