I feel for you/ your daughter. My two older kids got very lucky with roommates (I credit the colleges matching systems) and my S23 got a single first year. Having a challenging roommate can be hugely stressful and add pressure to what is already a big change.
This brings back memories of mine and my now wife’s freshman roommates. Mine was a violent drunk who on more than one occasional completely trashed our room, including breaking many of my things. The RA once stopped me int he hallway on the way back to my room at night after being out late and told me I would need to sleep in the lounge for the night because it wasn’t safe to go into my room. After this happened a couple times, I inquired about moving rooms and was told I could not. So back them having a roommate so out of control the RA would make me sleep in the hallway didn’t constitute a problem worthy of adjustment, LOL. Can you imagine the liability issues these days?
Meanwhile, my future wife’s roommate sounds similar to your situation. In hindsight she was almost certainly on the spectrum but no one talked about that then or commonly understood it. She was extremely homesick, awkward and germaphobic. Back then we only had the one shared landline in the room – no mobile phones, no internet. But she had an urgent need to call her mom for approximately 2 hours a night, 7 days a week, the entire year. If either of the other roommates happened to be on the phone when her preferred time rolled around, she would start having a panic attack and making loud strange noises while manically waiving her hands and pacing and getting in their faces until they gave up the phone. Almost her entire closet was filled with towels and wash cloths because she had to shower 3 times a day, needed separate wash cloths and towels each for her face, general body and private parts, then could never use them twice until they had been laundered. When the other roommates didn’t spend enough time with her, the RA had an intervention where they were ordered to do more things with her like dining together, and with no one else, a few times a week. FWIW, I think we saw decades later that she had become a doctor so it all worked out in the end.
No telling what is going on. He has not had a single meal with the others and apparently has a cold. So, my DS is staying away but is a bit puzzled none the less…and bored. Classes have begun and get on board day should be soon. Hopefully, he will have more things to do. For now, he is learning about the importance of separating laundry by color.
Sounds very similar to your wife’s roommate. Turns off all of the lights at 9pm on the dot and screams if anyone turns on even a desk lamp. Kicking the door if her card doesn’t work on the first swipe, stuff like that. 5%-10% of me is worried about violence. We’ll see what this week brings, I’m trusting that the dorm staff (it’s escalated beyond the RA) is going to manage this. And I’m in contact with the other parents if the girls can’t handle it.
What upsets me most is that the parents are these executive types, very dynamic and personable, with other children as well. Bright and connected enough to realize that their daughter is not prepared to live far away from home with other young adults. So they’ve put her in this situation where she is not capable of thriving, and as a mom, that just really irks me.
As the mom of a son who is probably similar to this girl, I want to tell you a bit like what might be going on in those parents’ thought processes.
My son does very well at home in a calm, routine environment. In fact, he functions so well that we occasionally forget that he is likely to melt down when things are unfamiliar/stressful.
I can’t tell you true number of people who have encouraged us to (and even criticized us for not) “push him out of the nest.” So many people who know him think that, as intelligent as he is, if we just “let loose the apron strings“ he’ll find his footing.
Put those together—high functioning at home, and the advice of well-meaning people for you to let go—along with a strong “want operator” (you so much want your kid to be normal that you can be overly optimistic) and you can definitely get into a position where your child is being stretched beyond what they’re really ready for. But once you’re in the position it is hard to navigate your way out.
This seems to be a really high level of sensory sensitivity, lack of social skills, etc… As a mom of a 16 year old with autism I think they should have kept their daughter closer to home, ask for an accommodation of a single room, etc… our kids on the spectrum have to be able to function in a neurotypical world. In the areas where this is not feasible it’s on us to advocate for accommodations that will help our children thrive.
I have a lot of empathy for the girl in this situation and also for her roommate. My daughter and her roommate are less effected, they can always close the connecting door, but it’s not a great situation.
Unfortunately, it seems that her parents are not willing to admit that there may be a larger issue here. One of the other moms (a social worker) asked the girl’s mother what the best way to work with “C” is, and the mom snapped that she was just socially awkward but perfectly fine.
My hope is that they will give her a single but I’m not sure at all that she has the coping skills to be away from her support system.
It all sounds so strange to me. We do not have a physical bank for 25 years… Our primary bank is a credit union on West cost (had summer internship there in college and we lived all the time on the East .) With direct deposits and 7-Eleven for free ATM around the country we never opened another physical account and only diversified with other internet banks…
We packed two daughters in one minivan and traveled from MD to Memphis, TN and then to Atlanta, GA and back to MD. Because older daughter was moving back and forth from dorms on campus and we were not renting storage we had to move her things back and forth. That was our choice (we have extended family on Atlanta and friends and used it as opportunity to connect. ) With younger one we decided we will not be driving for next 4 years to Memphis-too far and not that attractive to us . She will be finding storage place and will ask friends to help her to move packed things around and will be flying in and out.
I am jealous. Older DD is picky eater, so we were very happy not to buy meal plan - that would be total waste. Younger now is in residential campus. Mandatory unlimited meal plan. She already declared that she is not going for breakfast ever. She stated that she can eat eggs and potatoes only for 2 days. There are no fruits and vegetables and she is not cereal kid… I hope we can drop breakfast from second semester. From year 2 we can keep 1 meal a day… DD is already looking forward to it.
That sounds awful for the food choices available; I feel for your daughter. Fruit choices not outstanding for breakfast at D23’s school, but there are always apples, bananas and oranges. Usually some cut melon, pineapple, etc. as well.
I’d be particularly steamed and be contacting the school as your daughter’s school claims to be serving lots of different fruit during breakfast via their website menus.
DD said that the food court has only a tiny mellon plate for breakfast for the whole campus that is always empty…
Dd said she can start eating at 12 am and live without breakfast… As a small campus, they have only 2 places to eat. 1 is better than the other but students can eat there only once a day…
That is infuriating! The menu says watermelon, grapefruit, strawberries, blueberries, honeydew, cantaloupe, apples, bananas and oranges. And Bon Appetit usually pretty good within the college catering world. Not fun for your daughter.
Trying to do it now… Not sure DD would be happy about my involvement .
BTW pictures on the website is not the menu… I believe menu is always the same and it does not involve any vegetables or berries. It does says sliced fresh fruit (glorified mellon). I cannot get to the exact menu but its sounds likes this options is what my daughter described:
cage-free scramble eggs (V, MWGCI, H)
turkey sausage or Home Place Pastures pork bacon (MWGCI, FF)
breakfast potatoes (VG, MWGCI)
sliced fresh fruit (VG, MWGCI)
assorted pastries (V)
whipped butter
house-made jam.
She is used to eat for breakfast fresh salads or shakes (she made both herself and very self-sufficient if she has ingredients). So now her options are scrambled eggs with potatoes and she said I cannot eat those every day… I get it that they are not a resort or restaurant, but I would expect some vegies for breakfast… Not all people are eating cereals for breakfast…
I don’t know if you noticed my hedge of “within the college catering world”.
A nearby college offers a Wednesday night “family meal” thru Bon Appetit catering FOHTY From Our House to Yours. We’ve had it when friends of ours have used the program - very reasonably priced dinner for 4-6 people and tasty.
I was looking at this - in the condiments and extras piece it shows all the fruit supposedly on offer with the location as well.
D20 and D23 both have made to order omelets for breakfast, easiest way to get lots of veggies in first thing in the morning. It looks like Rhodes says they offer those - who knows the actuality.
I do not question it. Rhodes fed parents during tour days and when we dropped kids. None of family members complained. DD is not complaining about food in general. Apparently, students with meal plans can eat at the Lynx Lair only once a day and that is according to DD is good place. And regular “Reflectory” - food court is OK with lunch but lacks fresh ingredients for breakfast.
I even suggested her to get some salads in the evening for breakfast but she said there is nothing to take (except chicken and rice. )
Yep dreaming of a mandatory one meal a day next year option…You can’t drop meal plan totally and you have to live on campus 3 years…
and we lived all the time on the East .) With direct deposits and 7-Eleven for free ATM around the country we never opened another physical account and only diversified with other internet banks…
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and rice. )