Is anyone else’s kid really struggling (not academically) and say they feel like they made a mistake? Not just a mistake on choice of schools from accepted pool but like they didn’t even apply to the right schools? D is miserable. Dance is not to her liking, she has a roommate who is also introverted and shy and seems to have no friends, they share a split double so are not really ever even in the same room to get to know each other. She has a small friend group but doesn’t feel connected. She has no interest in going to parties and feels left out and like kids think she’s a baby. I keep suggesting joining clubs but meeting resistance- she was never a club person. She just doesn’t feel like she fits in there or even college at all. She doesn’t want to move home and go locally as a day student anywhere either. I don’t even know where to begin if she wants to look into transferring.
I think your daughter should make an appointment with the counseling center. The counselors have most likely seen many first year students who are having difficulty adjusting to college. Many times it takes a semester or two for kids to find their people. The counselor can also screen for depression, but it sounds to me like your daughter is just having trouble fitting in socially. My D22 had a rough year last year but is doing much better socially this year.
My son is doing well. However, I can see this happening with my D25 who is also a dancer. All of her life she has been “a dancer” yet she knows she is not skilled enough to make a career out of it. Yet she just really loves dance. Beyond dance she is very introverted and even now rarely spends time with friends. I think my daughter is really going to struggle with the “who she is” self reflection once college hits as well.
Your daughter is a smart young lady! I’m sure she will figure it out. Does she want more dance? Can she get a job teaching ballet nearby?
Both of my older kids went to SLACs too and it took both until Sophomore year before they felt they had found a friend group or really gelled with the campus culture and found their place. But it did happen and they both ended up loving it. My son is still surrounded by college friends in his life. But summer after Freshman year he would have said he wasn’t close with anyone yet. Every situation is different, but your student definitely shouldn’t worry if it takes some time.
(Ironically, our youngest was the least social by far of all three pre-college, is at a big university in the city and has a single dorm. He was talking before he left about wanting to come home most weekends – we’re about 90 minutes way. So we were anticipating him finding a social group to be an even bigger lift than the other two. Yet 5 weeks in he already is part of a group of a dozen kids who study and socialize together and has yet to want to come home and is now talking about wanting to do a trip with them over fall break. He’s also the world’s pickiest eater and they are introducing him to new foods and culture (most of the group has a different background than him). You just never know how its going to unfold…)
This was me during my first year in college. I had gone to boarding school and thought college would just be an extension of that. It wasn’t, I didn’t like my roommate, and everything felt foreign to me.
I thought about transferring but my grades weren’t great so I stayed. Honestly, it got better but I never absolutely loved it. I joined a sorority which helped and eventually met my now husband. What I also did was lean into my academic life and become involved in the town that my college was in. I took community classes in martial arts and got a job at the local coffee shop.
I don’t look back at my college days as the best but I received an excellent education and I learned a lot about how to create a life for myself. And I met my husband so I can’t regret any of it. 
I’m not sure my story brings any real advice but I emphasize with your daughter and I wish her the very best on her path.
I think there is a lot of pressure to be besties with your roommate. In reality, most of the time, it doesn’t happen. If they can respect and tolerate each other, I would view that as a win.
For my kids, their early friendships were with people they met in classes or labs. They would try to sit in the same part of the classroom everyday. They eventually started talking to people around them, and study groups developed.
My kids tended to complain a lot until after winter break. Maybe it had something to do with coming home, sleeping in their childhood bed, and living out of a suitcase. When they returned to college, they realized that, even though things weren’t perfect, they were more independent and more self sufficient than before they left home. They were surprised that, after winter break, people that they didn’t consider to be friends, were happy to see them when they returned.
If she hasn’t brought this up, I wouldn’t entertain this idea. Transfer students often have a more difficult time fitting in than freshmen do.
For many many kids the first few months of college are rough and depressing. I experienced this in both college and law school. But everything clicked shortly after winter break. I think if she’s still miserable in the spring, look into transferring. Or look into transfer options now so she sees there are options to leave if needed. But I think there are tons of kids feeling out of place in October that are thriving in February.
Overall, S23 is happy with his college choice. He put a huge effort into making friends during those first few weeks and now has a large and varied group of friends. He’s an ambivert though; he says the introverted kids are struggling to make connections.
I’m sorry to hear your daughter is struggling and is regretful about her choice. Is there a counselor at school or at home she can talk to about her feelings? Perhaps she can join a dance studio in her city. I would encourage her to focus on academics and look for other ways to meet people (e.g. service/special interest clubs or community service). If her feelings don’t change, and you also don’t think things will improve, then I would explore the option of transferring.
Have you discussed why she feels she applied to the wrong set of colleges? Does she know what sort of college experience she wants? It’s so tough when our kids are hurting. All the best to you both.
I don’t think it exists. I think she wants a continuation of her boarding school, which had rigorous academics but she also danced every day with the same group of kids, who were her people. Her BS had sit down dinners twice a week with assigned tables so it forced you to meet lots of people. She is an introvert and lots of forced socializing is exhausting for her and she doesn’t enjoy parties with lots of drinking, which is what most college kids do. She is taking ballet, but it’s crowded and not advanced, there is only one studio. The town is tiny so no outside dance options.
When she was applying to schools last year she thought she would be fine pretty much anywhere that had dance and didn’t really do much research and didn’t care to visit prior to applying. She just wanted a SLAC. So her choices when acceptances came in were limited.
Does she remember how she felt when she first left for boarding school? Did she meet “her people” in the first month?
It can be hard to find their social group that first semester or even year at college especially if they aren’t big into the college party scene and there isn’t a city/big town with other options for socializing. Has your daughter tried any dance adjacent activities at school like theatre/choreography, something community service related, outdoor/environment related, religion based, or something else she might want to try that has a social component but isn’t necessarily college party based? I don’t want to suggest kids with those interests aren’t also into college parties, it’s more that participating in the activity itself provides a social outlet and within that common interest your daughter can hopefully find people that like to have fun in the same ways your daughter enjoys.
The desire for a continuation of BS sounds like it’s just a transition problem. I bet in a few months she will be fine.
If she goes the transfer route, I wonder if she’d like Barnard. Because there is nothing worse than loneliness in a rural place where you can’t even pursue your interests at a high level. Can’t get better dance opportunities than in NYC so it would perhaps compensate for the initial loneliness? Just a thought…
Wondering if there are others from AnonMomof2 daughter’s BS at Hamilton to whom she might be able to reach out for support and guidance. Just an idea…
She went as a repeat Junior after having spent 2020-2021 doing online school. She couldn’t wait to go, hadn’t set foot on campus until we dropped her off and instantly fell in love with everything about the school. It was also small, rural and isolated. So no, it is nothing like that.
Maybe part of what she is dealing with is expectations v. reality. She had a seamless transition to boarding school so maybe assumed college would be the same way. It hasn’t worked out that way, so she might be thinking something went wrong…when it could just be a different transition than she had before.
While she might be feeling really down on herself, the fact she is still doing well academically in the face of feeling this way is a huge positive. I hope she is giving herself a lot of credit for that!
And while I agree with the person who recommended not bringing up the idea of transferring unless your daughter brings it up first - if she does bring it up, I think validating that as a reasonable option is a good idea. It is totally reasonable that she looked for a college that she thought would continue to give her the amazing experience she had at BS, but she might also have outgrown that kind of environment and needs/wants something different.
Deciding something isn’t working after giving it your best and changing directions is a decision we’ve all made - its part of being an adult.
Hoping things get better for her, and wishing you the best in helping her navigate this process. Parenting never gets easier, the challenges keep us on our toes.
Clubs in colleges might be completely different from HS. While in HS some participants are just there to pad the resume, or because everyone should be - some clubs in colleges are quite professionally run, and people are genuinely passionate.
My daughter was not a „club person“, but she joined the „staff“ of two journals, and was in a club putting together performing arts events (which involved interviewing artists, advising them about how to promote their event, setting up venues, etc.). One journal was more a „zine“ style, but the other was a genuine undergraduate journal with a very high production value.
So - maybe your daughter is too quick to dismiss looking into joining. Some could be genuinely inspiring, time well spent - and all will help expand her social circle outside of people in her courses.
Has she looked into any of the dance clubs? Even ones that she may think she’d never be that interested in she might find them welcoming and lots of fun.
Father of an extremely introverted and geeky kid here. First of all, so sorry to hear your daughter is struggling. Couple of ideas: 1. Would she consider getting a job or volunteer at an org of her liking? 2. Outdoor club/s. My son is slowly getting adjusted through these activities. No job but doing service stuff and picked up rock climbing and is making a few acquaintances that way (gym climbing wall regulars). Has made a couple of friends to go to football games etc. The big difference is that he loves Bama, the campus, almost all the classes and is generally happy with this decision.
This has been great for my D23 at another school…she’s not taking dance but joined a dance club. It’s all student-run and isn’t the exact style of dance or music that she would have said she’d wanted if asked a few months ago. But it’s social, collaborative, and fun and is probably the single biggest way she’s made her community on campus so far. She has found clubs on campus to be much different than those in high school just as @DigitalDad described.
On Hamilton’s website, they say there are 3 dance clubs (info could be outdated). If the clubs are audition-based, she may need to wait until the next time they hold auditions, but maybe there is one that is an open group.
D19 was in a triple first semester freshman year. It was not working out at all. She moved at Xmas break and liked her new roommate but then Covid hit. Sophomore year was crazy and she at the last second moved to an apartment with 3 sorority sisters. She knew them, but one ended up being an issue. Junior year she found some girls to live in an apartment with and one started to be an issue. Heck at that point we started to wonder if D19 was the problem. Senior year she was able to live with her best friend and they were like two peas in a pod and life was great. They will be friends forever. So it can take time.
D23 seems to be doing fine but with the past drama from D19 we are cautious to say the least. D23 has found some clubs. The roommates and the girls across the hall try to have ‘family dinner’ at the dining hall at least a few times a week.