My D17 was a competitive dancer. She decided she didn’t want to dance in college, but I think for these kids college is an even bigger transition. They’re used to a very rigid schedule, extreme hours of physical activity, etc… My daughter felt a bit adrift her first year of college.
Update on S23- he went to a retreat over the weekend with the Christian fellowship group and said he came back to school yesterday totally refreshed. I’m looking forward to hearing more about it, but it sounds like he solidified some friendships there.
D23 isn’t taking dance classes either, but joined one of the dance teams on campus. Her campus has open dance teams as well as audition based dance teams; her audition-based team practices 3x/week and performs at football and basketball games, as well as performing arts experiences on campus. She loves the sense of team and community she has gotten from dance and has met lots of upperclass students through the team. One of the captains has become a kind of mentor to her, they do lunch once a week.
She also just recently accepted a bid to a sorority. She went on campus thinking there was no way she was going to Rush, but found she met so many other young women who were interested in the same things she was - dance, athletics, community service, etc. I know Greek life can have negative overtones to some people, but it can be a great way to meet people on campus. You don’t have to accept any bids if you decide Greek isn’t the right match, but just another idea to meet others.
D23 also joined a church with a group other students her first week on campus. They go to the ‘contemporary’ Sunday service, as well as the young adult bible study (Monday evenings). Just another way to meet other students and young adults in the larger community. I don’t know if @AnonMomof2’s daughter is at all religious but could be a way to meet students who might not be so into the drinking/partying culture at school.
@socalmom007, D23 also has found the transition of extreme physical activity to less a bit of a challenge. She was used to dancing 5-6 days a week, 3x/week feels pretty light but she also works out at the gym 3 days a week, and goes running a couple times a week with friends. Again, she met/has different groups of people for each of those physical activities.
Thanks for all of the advice and suggestions.
She did audition for the dance team and is on that, they perform at basketball and football games. They practice 3 times a week but only in the actual dance studio one day (there is only one studio that is always booked), so the other 2 days they can’t dance full out. The other team she would be interested in is also audition based but more hip hop but they also perform at the same games and you can’t do both. She is a bit of a ballet snob and has no interest in a ballet club with beginners. There are no nearby studios for off campus options.
I keep suggesting joining other clubs to meet people, or get a job. She is considering. She just texted that one of her dance team friends is also disappointed with the dance program.
I think she is just mad at herself for not realizing how important it would be to her to keep dancing at a fairly high level and for not researching more.
Her academic classes are ok. She thought she wanted something science related but found she doesn’t like scientific writing, and despises chemistry. Bio is ok. Her psychology class seems to be a repeat of AP psych (which she took 2020/2021 and didn’t do the AP exam. And thinks it’s boring. But she is doing fine in them. At least she is figuring out what she doesn’t want to do. Next semester she’s planning on statistics, comp sci, a writing course and maybe econ. I think the school would be fine if she could figure out the dance thing. I suggested she and the more advanced students start an advanced ballet club. We’ll see, if she wants to apply somewhere as a transfer that’s fine with me. But I hope it just gets better here.
The loss of dance can be tough for the students for sure. My son danced since age 3 and was competing at a high level for a lot of years. He’s at a school where he was able to audition and get accepted into their modern dance company. He also dances with two student led groups. It’s tough because he’s a tap dancer primarily and there’s isn’t much of that at his school. There are definitely schools out there that offer the academic opportunities along with some solid, higher level dance options. If that’s truly missing from her life, a transfer might be the answer.
I think the other part that might be happening here is a shift in self identity. If a person has done any activity at a high level, it is very common to closely associate themselves as that activity, “I am a DANCER”.
D23 was a high level competitive gymnast for 10 years before retiring after back to back injuries. She went from 51 weeks a year, 30+ hrs 6 days per week training gymnastics (plus the 2 hr commute to her club gym daily) to 20hrs, 5 days a week dancing in high school. It was a BIG adjustment. Not only in terms of physical activity but the level of competition and her identity. She had to come to terms with her gymnastics career ending not how she would have wanted it to (surgery and >6 months of post-op rehab not optimal way to say goodbye) and figuring out what she wanted now that gymnastics wasn’t first and foremost her activity outside of school.
The positive of that was her realizing she is so much more than ‘just’ a gymnast. For the first time in her life, she had time to explore and try things. Dance was a new activity (and thankfully a pretty seamless transition for her), but that wasn’t all she had time for and she embraced trying lots of new things.
The identity transition might be the bigger issue here…and if your daughter decides dance needs to stay a huge part of her life, there are alternative schools and programs. Good luck, it took D23 a good year or so after retiring from gymnastics to get her bearings as someone not primarily identified as “GYMNAST”.
Returned yesterday from visiting D23 for parent’s weekend in Boston. I missed her so much. She is very happy that she chose Emerson and thriving in most areas. She’s making a lot of friends, which was my biggest worry because she can become anxious in groups; we were stopped numerous times by kids saying hello to her and introducing themselves to us. She’s joined clubs and working on student films and television shows. She’s in a triple and has become good friends with one of the girls, but the other girl doesn’t like visitors to their room, even us parents but especially boys, and sleeps late (past noon when she doesn’t have class or on the weekend) and gets mad if she’s woken up. The other mom and I stressed that they need to talk to her or the RA because they are not comfortable in their own room and one roommate can’t dictate the rules for everyone.
She showed me her grades and she has straight 100s more than halfway through the semester. Although she had a 95% GPA in high school, I’m a little worried if the academics are challenging enough. After she gets her report card, I am going to appeal for more merit aid. I figure there’s nothing to lose and I want to at least get it increased to whatever the additional COA is for next year.
I asked to see her bank balances because she’s always telling me about this concert she’s going to or somewhere she went. The money in her account is what she earned from her summer job or what the grandparents gave her. She can spend it how she likes but our agreement is that we pay for tuition, room and board; she’s 100% responsible for her spending money. Well, she’s spent $1,500 in six weeks, about a quarter of what was in there in August! At the rate she’s going to run out in the second semester, not even taking into account if she wants to go away for spring break. She gets upset when I bring the subject up, but she acknowledged that she may need to get a job at school in January.
I’m going to visit her again for Veterans Day weekend and then she’ll be home for Thanksgiving. I don’t think we’ll go to parents’ weekend in the future, we’ll just pick another weekend to see her. Hotel prices were out of this world, restaurant reservations were hard to get, and Emerson is not a rah-rah school, so it wasn’t like there was a big game.
I’m wondering if S23 isn’t spending enough. He’s only spent a total of $80 in 3 weeks and $30 of that was to buy a new online game for his PS5. His older brother and sister were much more sociable and would go out with friends for dinner etc. He hasn’t even been to the beach yet, despite the recent heatwave.
And he’s only eating two meals a day because he doesn’t have any early classes and can sleep in, so isn’t even using all the dollars on his meal plan. He does like that it’s all you can eat, and I’m sure he’s getting his money’s worth.
But he seems fine and says he’s enjoying himself. Hopefully midterms will be ok.
This reminds me of reading Obama’s advice to Malia when she went to college. It was basically: don’t go to college and just try and duplicate your high school experience.
It can be so tempting to stay in our comfort zones. All-consuming EC’s like sports and dance can be very hard to just give up. But sometimes I think they act as a crutch.
Although Hamilton’s dance offerings may not be ideal, it offers a growth opportunity to spread her wings a bit and try something new. Something she’s not already good at.
Easier said than done, of course. It’s so hard when kids struggle. But all good life lessons.
Same with D23–the 20 hrs a week! But she has joined an auditioned ballet group and they perform mostly classical works, winter and spring —just much less hours per week. More free time for new clubs/fun is a bonus though, and definitely a growth experience all around.
Anonmom, hugs to you and hopefully she will find more activities that bring her joy in the coming months.
D23 is home for part of her fall break. I am a nightowl so I was able to have a nice talk with her about how college is going so far. I cherish these talks. I did them with D19 as well. College kids end up on a later schedule than normal humans so late at night is a time to get their attention. Also everyone else is asleep and the kids don’t feel like both parents are pelting them with questions. I am happy that the school she wasn’t sure about last December is working out for her. Nothing amazing has happened nor has she won any awards. She has made some friends and her roommates seem decent and most importantly she isn’t wanting to transfer or come home.
It’s too soon for anything to happen. Let’s be glad nothing bad has happened!
It’s better we rejoice that they are settling without major issues in their new surroundings
This is what I am telling myself After all the heartbreak and a roller coaster ride of college admissions.
Ha yes, forgot to mention awards. S won a very large yellow plushy slug in his dorm’s musical chairs competition. Should that go in the bragging thread?
Dying laughing from my son’s texts at Bama. He got a job - yay! - and he had to provide them with the times he was free.
So he wrote something like 5:15-8 Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 9-5 weekends…
His manager then scheduled him for a 40-hour workweek.
He texted me:
She had assumed
As one does
That when I listed 5:15 as the start of my availability that day
Which, if you weren’t aware
Is three hours before the store opens
And an hour before the sun rises, I meant am
Why the ■■■■ would I tell her I’m available at 5:15
“Oh yeah! Sorry I’m busy at 4:45 am I’ll be in late today!”
I mean, part of me thinks everyone should all go into all the bragging threads and totally spam them with the real but very minor awards kids have received—that would be so much more fun than the soulsuck that I sometimes feel poking around these fora, at least.
That’s awesome. Is it on campus or off? I recall him not having a car. I am trying to talk my son to get a job but he is a great saver and his response is that he has plenty of money and does not need to.
I am with you. My original comment was tongue and cheek for sure. My thought process for college for myself and my kids is do enough to get you the job or into grad school. Not usually looking for superstars in college
I truly believe in that because a long time ago I passed the CPA exam with a score of 300 total. That is the lowest score you can get and pass.
@1dadinNC and @tsbna44
The job is at a mobile phone provider’s branch - he was hired as the bilingual sales rep, though nobody even tested his Spanish before doing so. He is renting one of the Bama bikes to get through this semester, then he’ll take his car back for spring.
His GF still exists - in fact he and she drove here for the weekend last weekend. It was her first time in the north, and he has been saying he would not miss the fall foliage, so they drove all night Thursday/got here noon Friday, we had some great family time, she was suitably wowed by all the leaves, and they drove back Sunday at dawn.
(My husband actually went with them down to Alabama and drove most of the way, then took a flight home, b/c he didn’t want them exhausted Monday morning. Yes, our family is a tad excessive with the long road trips.)
After all the heartbreak and a roller coaster ride of college admissions.
He is renting one of the Bama bikes to get through this semester, then he’ll take his car back for spring.