I didn’t read the article, but I had some friends visiting this past weekend and I got a peek into a completely unfamiliar (to our family) family dynamic. It was their freshman dd’s spring break. The mom was angry b/c the dd had just decided she was going to double major. At first I couldn’t understand the undercurrent and why there was so much tension. Turns out it is b/c the double major is going to take 2 extra semesters (the daughter had had enough credits going in that she could graduate in 3 yrs.) The mom does not want to pay for an extra yr. The dd said, totally nonchalantly, “Not my problem. My brother took 5 yrs to graduate. I have every right to expect you to pay for as long as it takes for me to finish.”
This is not how our children and my husband and I interact. Our kids don’t think they have a right to anything. But, as far as that goes, my husband and I don’t believe that about ourselves either. We function in a completely different way and try to constantly weigh the pros and cons of every decision (financial or otherwise) and how it impacts the entire family. Our kids have always been part of that process. The kids don’t compare what they have received to each other b/c it hasn’t ever been about fairness. It has always been about what has been possible for us to provide each one at any given time. Our financial resources have never been about divvying up equally. (of course, they also have a disabled adult brother who has consumed far more of our financial resources than any of them. So they know that they are not all equal in terms of providing for themselves, either.) If a school had been chosen based on a 3 yr budget, that conversation would have taken place a long time prior to 2nd semester.
In terms of making final decisions for schools with our own children, we don’t “tell” them. It is a family discussion. Pros and cons are weighed. Maybe we have been purely lucky, but so far the decision has always been one everyone has felt was the right choice all the way around. (It is also not a decision left until their sr yr. We are already discussing pros and cons of the various schools our sophomore daughter is considering.)