<p>I have a once-a-year mom. My earliest memory of her is baking cupcakes with me for school in second grade, yet, she did not stick around. My mom abandoned us. I was only six, my sister was five and my father relied on his sister to help him. At the tender age of nine, my mom returned once again. We came home from school one day and the closet she once occupied was full of her personal items yet again. Since she had left for three years, I was not familiar with her or who she truly was. There was no intimacy. There was truly no relationship. Should I have called her mom? Had she earned that title? Should I call her Lisa? Like I would a stranger?
Through the chaos of our lives, I learned to be self-sufficient. I may have missed out on “mommy and daughter shopping,” but I was able to shop with my younger sister and spend time with her. I missed out on my mother doing my homecoming makeup, but I learned that when I needed something done, I had to do it myself. I missed out on manicures and pedicures, but I learned how to drive, got my license and did it all on my own. I currently see my mom once a year which seems more like an obligation than a relationship.<br>
The world I came from has not been easy. Since my mother left and my father had worked many hours, I learned how to be independent. I have learned not to rely on anyone for my happiness because they might not always be there; I am my own source of happiness. I learned to challenge myself in life just as life has challenged me. That is the reason why I have taken Advanced Placement, Honors classes, and AVID. But what I enjoy most is after school clubs such as mentoring underclassmen who were in an academic crisis or difficult personal situations. With the classes and clubs I participated in, I learned to become an independent and confident worker. I developed leadership skills and speaking skills. I am able to speak up for myself and speak up for others. By mentoring, I became a mother to others. I provide for others something I lacked in my own life. It is empowering. I am empowered by my own struggles. I am empowered to give to others. For me, giving my time and dedication to others is also receiving the benefits of knowing I am able to help others, that I am able to make a difference.
I know that my tale is not unique. There are so many young people who struggle. Yet many of us survive and thrive. I’ve learned to recognize and appreciate struggle. It propels me forward. Thus my desire is to set an example for those who need a little encouragement to get up in the morning, for those who want to have a future, but their surroundings tell them otherwise. I want to major in psychology, one of the areas that would allow me to expand my knowledge upon helping others. I would like to be the person I needed growing up and I plan on doing so by reaching out to our youth and offering a hand, one that I needed growing up. </p>
<p>Sentence fragments. Revise.</p>
<p>Personally, I think it is somewhat negative. You sound a little bitter to me in the beginning (a stranger), so I imagine it might come across that way to the average middle-aged, educated admissions person. </p>
<p>If you want to write about this topic, is there a way you can reword the first paragraph to lead into the more positive spin that begins in the second? </p>
<p>Also, a clearer sense of direction in the second paragraph might be helpful. "Though my early life was chaotic, I now realize that great strengths were borne of that early sadness and insecurity (go on with second paragraph). Sound a little more positive to have come out on the other side instead of begrudging about the strengths you have gained. Maybe emphasize a bit more emphatically the joy you experience in helping underclassmen overcome insecure childhoods. Just my own thoughts and suggestions. Feel free to disregard (but DO fix fragments…“Like I would a stranger?”). Also, too many sentences, especially in a row, being with “I”. Try to mix it up a bit, while still sharing the pertinent info. </p>
<p>Reword that “but their surroundings tell them otherwise” because it doesn’t make grammatical sense. Maybe “though their upbringing and situations discourage them from envisioning the possibilities”. </p>
<p>Maybe finish with, “I am going to be the person I needed” instead of “like to be”. Exude budding strength and confidence, while retaining humility. </p>
<p>Just my few thoughts. Feel free to disregard. </p>
<p>Good luck to you! </p>
<p>UNC offers effective tips to writing a college essay. Take a look, follow some of the advice, and rewrite your essay. I highly recommend not writing a “laundry list”, as in your second paragraph.</p>
<p>On College Essay Writing:
<a href=“essay Archives - Undergraduate Admissions”>http://admissions.unc.edu/tag/essay/</a></p>
<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck! : )</p>
<p>Thanks to the both of you (:</p>