Personal Statement for QuestBridge. Please critique.

Sorry its long, but I need to know what to cut and if its good.

At the beginning of high school, I was not the best at expressing my voice. I was scared to ask too many questions or participate in class because previous teachers had told me that I needed to start thinking for myself and not to ask questions for clarity. However, by working to improve my school’s spirit, I was able to improve my voice at school. I feel very passionate about this issue, because your voice is the best form of self-expression. My voice is the only reason how I made it to this point in my life.
I was unaware of all the programs offered at my school until after my freshman year. I had just moved to this city, and was just getting used to all the things offered at my school. One thing that I noticed was very dull was our school spirit. Most people didn’t like participating in spirit days or school activities, and nothing was being done to change this. Therefore, I joined the United Student Body during my sophomore year. I decided that I would get involved in Student and Staff Recognition to fulfill my goal to change the students’ school spirit. Our committee was the smallest because it was known for not doing anything until Teacher Appreciation Week in May. The committee had six people with four seniors and two underclassmen. Since the other underclassmen and I were new to the USB class we allowed for two of the Seniors to be Chair and Co-chair of the committee. On the first meeting we wrote a list of different ideas to start the new year. We met together, during our USB period, every Wednesday and when it was time for our second meeting we haven’t discussed any of our new ideas. By the following meeting, I knew that the rumors were true. We were now at our fourth meeting and hadn’t started any of our new ideas. I took it upon myself to question the chair and co-chair and try to get our committee to do something. I looked at the list of ideas and picked one that we could use as a starter for our committee. The choice I picked was to recognize students who have increased their GPA by 0.5 or higher. I wrote out a detailed plan of how we would recognize the students, what we would give the students, and when we would recognize them. The Chair and Co-chair looked it over and told me that it wouldn’t be possible. We simply don’t have enough time to track every student and recognize them for improving their GPAs. I was disappointed so I went through the whole list and picked out another idea. When they made an excuse for all my ideas I knew that something was wrong. I had to find a new way to express my thoughts to my committee about the school spirit.
From this time, I had to improvise. When you are new to a club, or committee and you are trying to get people who aren’t new to listen to what you have to say on solving a problem was extremely difficult. These people have been in USB since their freshman year, and I was a Sophomore trying to tell Seniors how to address an issue. I joined this program to solve the problem of school spirit. I needed to remember that when I had found a solution to my problems and the schools problem. My solution was to propose an event to the class that students wanted and use that event as a starter to get the school involved. I first proposed the event to the students during a Sophomore class meeting. When they expressed interest in the event, I then proposed the event to my Activities Director. She was very inquisitive about the event, but saw the ambition I had and told me to make it happen. I worked very hard to plan all the details and talk to administration about specific details. When I came back to my Activities Director she approved and proposed the idea to our principal. After a long process, I was able to say that I brought Powderpuff back to our school after 20 years. My Activities Director was very proud of me, and saw that I didn’t let the seniors bring me down but make me stronger.

From this event on, I improved my participation in all my classes, and expressed my voice on problems clearer than before. I was not afraid to ask the most questions or question an answer in any of my classes. There was something different in the confidence I had in school. I had a confidence that helped me achieve the ambition I had to change the school culture on campus by just expressing my voice on a problem.
Word count: 806
(From this statement I want the reader to learn about how my voice has shaped my ambition to change the school culture.)

For one, I think your wording could be improved. Just from the start, we have a “At the beginning of high school, I was not the best at expressing my voice”. Unless you are trying to go for a casual feel, I would try to make it more exciting? I mean, they are reading tons of essays so you need to catch their interest.

Also, I feel that your growth is superficially presented. “My Activities Director was proud of me” um OK? Are YOU proud of me? That is the most important part. I would rather see a catharsis on your own part, not some person who acts to praise.

Also, as you noted, try to make the essay more slim. Which points are most important to YOU. Which points show who YOU are. I feel that you are sounding a bit neutral, and that you want it more personal (so the name is “personal” statement).

Overall though, i feel that it is nice that you have a positive tone and note, and the message of improvement is definitely a good one.

@Janae0143: This is truly long, and has little shift of tone to pull the reader along. You need paragraph breaks, if you can without sacrificing word count . (If it is only word count, and not character count, nothing lost by doing this.

You should decide some aspects of motivation and goal, and summarize or encapsulate your action under those points, trim back the play-by-play of …I went to the advisers/committee and they said, then I thought, so I …

Motivation could be why you thought school spirit was important to the school, and/or why it carries value to you.
Goals could be broken down into your overall desired outcome for Action A, Action B, Action C.

When you speak of voice and its use, switch up the repeated word “voice” and characterize your use of voice as 1)advocacy for something, or 2) a new found confidence to breakthrough a barrier (that could be staff/faculty/student body apathy; your own self-doubt about leadership), etc.

Emphasize that while you were told you were selfish and shallow by classroom teachers, and told you interrupted discussion for your own needs, by constantly pushing those in charge to offer clarity on ‘Why No?’ again and again, you were able to work on behalf of others who had been rendered voiceless/without presence, improving community all around at your school. You thought things over and re-framed your approach, worked and reworked relentlessly and diligently for more than just yourself.

What was the prompt?