I moved to a new community where most of my friends are grandparents. This is a situation that comes up here all the time with this group.
I was talking to a friend who is recent widow and her 50th wedding anniversary was last week. She was feeling sad and so I said that we should go to lunch. She was very happy and we decided to ask a mutual friend. I talked to the mutual friend on Tuesday and she was looking forward to lunch. It’s not something we do often.
Today the mutual friend said her granddaughter was coming over so she couldn’t come. This friend does this all the time. The granddaughter is 12, home schooled and lives 1/2 mile away. She comes over all the time and the grand dad would be home.
She does this all the time. I get it, she want to see her granddaughter. My husband and I go to lunch with her and her husband and I told my husband that he had to make the plan’s because the wife would squash all the plans. When the husband’s make plans, they show up. They usually pick up a grandkid on the way home.
This friend also watches a grandson every other week and told us that she was depressed every week they don’t watch him.
My question. Do you have friends who always cancel plans last minute? My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable for being mildly annoyed because she always does this
Not exactly the same and I’m not a grandparent, but I get super annoyed at people who change their plans for a “better offer”. All of a sudden win free concert tickets? Sure. But canceling a walking date because of a new lunch offer feels rude to me. Makes you feel like the disposable friend.
I hope you and your other friend have a wonderful lunch together!
I would stop inviting the one who always cancels plans to see grandchildren she can apparently see any time. She prefers their company to adults, obviously.
I had a friend like this. After canceling several times at the last minute I just gave up. I enjoyed her company but I finally decided the relationship was too one sided.
"I get super annoyed at people who change their plans for a “better offer”. "
I have a particular person in my life who does this a lot. Most recently, she returned (accepted then declined) my Christmas dinner invitation because she had been invited to the home of her son’s, friend’s parents (famous Hollywood people). She texted me to say they had been invited and were going - after 20 years of many similar situations, where she’ll drop me for a better offer, I haven’t been in tocu.
So true. Back in college there was a guy on the dorm floor, Steve. Everyone knew if you made plans with Steve it was just a placeholder, his plan unless something better came along. Sounds like 50 years later grandma is doing the same thing.
I might be that person. The older I get, the more social anxiety I have. I might accept an invitation hoping I’d be up for it, even as a way to force me to go out, but change my mind. I’d never cancel on one or two people for any reason, and I’d never cancel for something better, but I’ve been known to send my husband to gatherings without me or miss out on a dinner out with my friend groups. I know I should get counseling (at least according to my family), and my sister told me to ask my doctor for lexapro (which I haven’t done).
@Mjkacmom social anxiety is completely different from just canceling plans on someone. I have a good friend with a lot of social anxiety and we get together to do things that she is comfortable doing when she is comfortable. I would suggest you talk to your doctor about it because there are many things that can be done to help you.
My friend and I had a great lunch. Like I said, she recently lost her husband, last week was their anniversary.
My husband thinks the friendship is worth it because he wants to make the effort to get together with the couple. The husbands don’t cancel. It’s more of a thing with the wife.
I guess my question was more, am I ok with being mildly annoyed with the cancelling friend? I think the answer to that is that it is ok.
I’d be annoyed if this happened more than two times. Actually…I would stop inviting the person. And I wouldn’t accept invites from her, because she could cancel those too.
I did too, but went along with it for 15 years. 7 years ago I just decided I’d wait until she invited me, and she never has. She’s done the same to 2 other friends and they’ve also have just stopped. What’s so odd is we all tonight of her as one of our closest friends. It sort of hurts when you realize you like someone more than they like you.
Me too. I try to attend important events (e.g. birthday dinners, weddings, fundraisers) but it takes a lot of effort. And I know my friends don’t invite me as much because of it (yay social media). They blame my career for my absence and I don’t correct them.
I have a “friend” but clearly the phone lines only go in one direction. She is very good about sending cards for holidays and birthdays and the like…but I can’t think of one time she has initiated a luncheon date or any other outing with our group of mutual friends. We still include her…but…
One of my oldest friends is sort of as you describe. I almost always have to call or invite her. She is always happy to hear from me, and I don’t think it has anything to do with how much she likes me, but it is weird. I think she might feel like I’m busier than she is, so she figures I’ll call when I have time?
I have two friends from a previous neighborhood; we like to get together every 2-3 weeks to walk or have lunch. We’re all retired, but have individual scheduled activities. One of the two others is commitment-phobic. She doesn’t like to do anything with us on days she has water aerobics, and won’t plan anything more than a day ahead…and sometimes wants to wait until the next morning to decide. Drives me crazy since I’m a planner and like to know what I’ll be doing at least a couple of days ahead!
I have a relative who always drops us if something better comes along. People are surprised we aren’t closer because we live near one another and our kids get along famously but I get tired of being a placeholder so we mostly don’t plan joint activities. It feels tiring when it’s one side always canceling for an excuse that feels and sounds feeble. (Like they’re just not into us.)
I had a good friend who started doing this a lot. I got sick and tired of being her ‘back up plan’ so I stopped trying so hard with the friendship. She, in turn, stopped calling me so much. It’s now been 10 years since we last spoke to each other. I haven’t missed it.
