Going to school TOO close to home

Parents Forum
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DD22 is attending school 45 minutes away. Her BFF did nothing to apply to colleges and thus is not attending school this fall. She says she plans to go to CC in the spring, but we shall see…

Let’s just say I was thrilled that my daughter would be moving on and making new friends. BFF is not exactly a good influence and has driven DD’s other friends away.

Last night DD told us she was excited she had a double as a single so that BFF can come up all the time. URGH! This is NOT a good thing. I’m hoping these plans fizzle, but I doubt they will as BFF has nothing better to do. I now feel like BFF is once again sponging off my daughter’s success and I will be paying $$$ board for BFF to have a place to escape to since she has nothing else going on in her life. And once again, DD will be in a position where her new (and for lack of a better word, “better”) friends are driven away.

I’m walking out the door to have lunch with one of her old friend’s mom and I feel like crying . I really wanted this to be a clean break and a new start.

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I am so sorry, but sadly you have to accept that your d is now an adult and can and should make her own decisions and she will probably make plenty you don’t agree with. Having said that, hanging on to a high school bff may seem comforting when first leaving for college but your daughter may soon get busy and find some new friends as well. Also is this a bff or a gf? If the latter, it is still the case that many/most high school relationships don’t last beyond first few months of college. But best advice is to focus on other things that are relevant to you and try not to think bout your d’s social life which you can’t do anything about anyway. She will make mistakes as we all did or perhaps this won’t be a mistake for her.

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I didn’t understand this until later because my eldest had a friend that was a really bad influence, but if you’ve raised your children with your morals, values, and your family’s expectations, they will eventually figure it out for themselves -who’s good for them, and who’s not so good for them.

Our eldest got into sports in high school, and developed a new social circle of athletic friends. This was not a welcome thing for the bad influencer. My daughter couldn’t “hang out” with the bad influencer because our daughter always had practice or was playing in tournaments. Our daughter’s self-esteem jumped tremendously being around the kids on the teams, plus, our daughter was a very good athlete and the friend just couldn’t compete with that.

My husband felt sorry for that girl and said that a lot of it had to do with the way the parents neglected her, and that we should feel sorry for her as well. So, we tried to include her in our family’s activities, but our daughter and the girl were never the same. When our daughter went away to college the girl no longer had anyone. Although the parents had money to send their child to college, the girl didn’t even attempt it, plus,I don’t think the grades were there.

I asked my daughter, when she would come back home for breaks, if she was going to see “Grace”. She would say, something like “not this trip”.

If your daughter’s friend is going to be on campus, she will eventually feel ostracized by being in the wrong place, because everyone around her will be a student. The job of the students to go to classes. The friend won’t have a security card/ ID to get into the building.

Your daughter will have to pay for another security card if she tries to get one for her friend. You have the money and you’ll get the email to pay for the card. The RA’s will eventually figure it out.

I’m really sorry that you have to go through this but I think that your daughter needs to go through this to realize what a drag her friend is gonna be on her future.

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She may not be able to have her friend over all the time depending on dorm rules. When my kids were in the dorms, all visitors needed to be signed in and out, and there was a limited number of nights per year you could have an overnight guest. Also they required if someone was in a double but didn’t have a roommate that they keep all their stuff on one side of the room and not encroach onto the other half, with the theory that someone could be assigned into that space at any time. This was enforced by random checks.

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My kids go to college 1.5 miles from home and my son’s roommate is a half mile from home. Focus on academics and making new friends.

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That must be frustrating. I agree she is an adult and can choose her own friends, but you are paying. You can make it clear that you are not paying rent for the BFF. You are allowed to set reasonable expectations. It is reasonable to ask that no one stays over more than one night a week. After all, she will have studying and homework.

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Our D’s room contract also limited the number of overnight guests/term. That may be your “in” to try to discourage the visits. I’d also strongly encourage your D to get involved with a club activity on campus. Many times they meet on the weekends so she won’t be free to host the HS friend.

FWIW, I feel for you OP. My brother is going through something similar with his own daughter. It’s really put a damper on her making new friends at school her entire freshman year.

While I agree with the other posters that you have limited influence with a young adult, I would exert what pressure you can to encourage her to focus on getting integrated into her campus community before hosting this friend.

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You have my sympathy. I think I understand what you are going through.

My kids grew up with the kids of another local family. We were in the same social circle, went to the same church, etc. They faced a horrible crisis and the family really fell apart. Even before that I had concerns about things that were going on, but when things went really downhill for them, I had a hard time cutting off the kids because I felt so bad for them. But eventually, I did not allow my youngest to see them anymore because of some of the dangerous things I found out about.

I was worried that one of mine who went to school 40 minutes away would have the same problems you are worried about, but like others have said, she made her own life once she went to college.

However, I am still very worried about my youngest because the younger kids from that family were much more affected by what happened, and my youngest has a very strong emotional connection with one of the kids. The most likely college for her might be the one that’s 40 minutes away, and I am questioning it everyday how much it’s worth sending her farther away just to get a fresh start.

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I would encourage my daughter to join clubs and make new friends and focus on her school work. Her friend should be doing the same or if she’s not going to college, she should be focusing on other things.
At both my kid’s schools friends could stay in the dorm up to 3 days. After that they had to leave. If they wanted to stay in the dorms longer, they had to enroll in classes as a full time student and pay for housing. Also, guests had to be signed in and out, and could be asked to leave at anytime and dorm residents were responsible for the behavior of their guests. Seems strict but it’s for everyone’s safety and sanity. And you probably want to avoid another Sarah Lawrence debacle…

That’s a hard one. I’d say if she goes 40 mins away, encourage her to stay on campus and get involved as much as she can. Maybe have her go without her car? That way she has to stay on campus and meet new people…

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Yes. The good news is that freshman and sophomores can’t have cars on campus.

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Question: Will your D want to be coming home on weekends since she’s so close? Discourage it if so.
If she gets involved with clubs, sports or just has homework that will limit things. As someone mentioned you need a student card for just about everything. Eating (if you have a meal plan), to go to a gym, be part of a club, attend many events. Her BFF will be odd man out.
Who knows? She still may get a roommate.

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That’s good! I notice that having the car on campus makes it MUCH easier for the kid to come home even if they’re not super close to home. My SIL’s niece used to drive home 5 hours every weekend! On the contrast, I know a kid who went to school 15 mins from home and never came home because he didn’t have his car with him…
Then again, one of our school’s college counselors used to work at a private school up in LA (where a lot of children of famous people attended) and some of these kids would go to school at Arizona State, Uni of Arizona and they would fly home every couple of weekends…they’d go to the airport straight from class. Now I get in this case, the families are wealthy, but that’s expensive!

I wonder if parents, kind of subtly encourage this coming home frequently? or they don’t exactly discourage it?
I know if my kid were coming home a lot, I’d wonder if they were unhappy at school. Also, I’d love to see them, but if we’re paying money for you to live on campus, then you need to stay on campus and get involved. Even if kids are going to college close to home, they don’t need to come home all the time…why live on campus if that’s the case?

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Definitely encourage her to find clubs she likes. It’s one of the best ways I’ve seen for students to make “breaks” from “home” situations, including friends who aren’t the best influence. It gives them other options they see for themselves.

You’re playing the parent card is actually more likely to meet resistance.

Let college rules and the encouragement for clubs, etc, try to make a difference naturally.

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I would have an open and honest conversation about this topic. Tell your kid that you are proud of their success and transition to a new phase in life. Tell them that it’s a great time to meet people especially during the first semester when people are all in a new situation. Tell them you want them to have the whole experience of college life. Also tell them that you don’t want X to spend time in their room unless she also intends to be a student there. I would definitely get the point across. I’d also check the policies to see how much the BFF is allowed to stay. Hopefully, it’s not a lot.
My kid had a BFF who was really an egomaniac. Had to be the center of attention. We told our kid we thought this person added little value to the friendship. We never spoke badly about the BFF. But we also didn’t support the friendship. BFF moved on. Last we heard the BFF had someone else’s parents driving her to college campus. BFF was an international so needed a lot of support and we could see the red flags miles away. Lots of demands in the form of requests and no graciousness or thanks. Flared up a lot during Covid. No thanks.

We also make an effort to celebrate our kids other friendships and talk about how much we liked X, Y and Z and how nice they seemed. Our kid is an adult now. But even if kids don’t seem to be listening they are. They know if they are being used by a BFF or if a BFF isn’t kind etc. This BFF could block your kid establishing roots at college and that would not be ideal.

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Sorry, I can understand your frustration! Won’t the no-roommate situation change, as housing shuffles around? Have they told her that she will likely get a roommate?

Agree with others that there are dorm guest rules that should work in your favor. And 45 min might be far enough away that BFF doesn’t want to do that much driving or pay for that much gas! I hope that your D is doing all the freshman activities and meeting new people…hopefully she will dive in to the college life and not have time for the BFF who isn’t a student there.

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Unless your daughter is paying for college then you still have influence and leverage. We always used open /honest conversations. Np for your daughter to keep in touch with friends as long as she is ALSO making new friends. Agree with the above to join groups and activities. Maybe some of the this will rub off on the BFF and she will join that community College. Not everyone is ready for college or should go to college at the same time. She also needs to stay on campus. Your not paying for her to come home. Sure, once in awhile. My daughter was 1.5 hours away but rarely came home unless bringing friends into Chicago for the weekend.

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Hoping there is a chance the college assigns her a roommate after all the shuffles of move-in - seems like the best way to move forward for your daughter and also for her “friend”. Not sure if parent’s have any input with housing ?

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DD chose not to take her car to school and luckily BFF has been behind on getting her license, BUT BFF now has a boyfriend that drives her everywhere. The entire group of friends have jobs, so I’m thinking this will be a late night weekend thing. BFF is very sneaky and when DD is with her doesn’t always make the right decisions, so what the rules are may not matter. We are having a talk with her tonight that if any rules are broken, she’s on the hook for any of the consequences and will remind her how excited she was for a new start.

Her double as a single will remain so as we are being charged that way. He entire floor will be singles. I’m not sure if it’s always been that way or if it was converted during Covid.

I’m pretty sure the whole situation will fizzle out by the end of the year, but don’t want BFF to interfere with DD meeting new people at the beginning of the year which is what seems to be the most important time.

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Same with our kids. The college wasn’t interested in providing free housing to freeloaders. There was a limit on the number of days any guest could be there…all signed in. One of our kids guests had to give the sign on person their drivers license while they were in the dorm.

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Much more common on the east coast than the west. My kids both went to schools that allowed cars (Wy and Fla) and I went to schools that allowed it 40+ years ago. Parking might be limited, but they are allowed.