This is the free response one. I chose this because i feel that it is an experience that not many students have and something that is very personal to me. I hope that it isn’t something that the UC’s will take too lightly because it really has changed the way I think and act. Please feel free to comment and suggest ~ please don’t be mean either~ =)
“Just a few years ago, I was diagnosed with a skin disease called vitiligo. Vitiligo is known as a spontaneous irregular depigmentation of skin which occurs at any stage of life. In the summer of my sophomore year, white patches began to appear on several different areas of my body.
That year I was referred from doctor to doctor on a weekly basis. Because the causes of vitiligo are unknown and the number of people diagnosed is limited, treatment was not readily available. My parents and I would not give up on the fact that there was no stable treatment for my disease despite what the doctors were telling us. So after going to American doctors in hopes of modern treatment to Korean doctors for a more traditional and natural treatment, I was physically exhausted. I had tried everything from UVA light therapy, creams, herbal treatment to acupuncture. In the event of trying to treat my disease, it began to slowly destroy me rather than help me.
Despite my exhaustion, I still had school to worry about and friends to explain my condition to. Sophomore year was my first year taking honors classes and when I had signed up for them at the end of freshman year I was determined to challenge myself and succeed. But once the school year started, I was already too emotionally and physically exhausted to take on that challenge. When my friends began to question my disease, I was embarrassed and afraid that the truth would separate us. To some, I began to lie and tell them it was only a sunburn. But to my close friends, I let them in on the truth and told them that I understood if they didnt want to be friends with me anymore. To my surprise, most of them disregarded my disease immediately and told me that they werent friends with my looks, but with me and that I was being silly. The others however, didnt feel the same way.
The questioning looks in the hallways began to cease and the rumors flow. Not only in my school but just about wherever I went people would stare and whisper. Just like my former friends who slowly but surely began to avoid me, strangers would blatantly step away from me as if I were some kind of monster. I distinctively remember a time at Disneyland where I was in line to ride Pirates of the Caribbean. A few boys in front of me began to snicker and tap each other on the shoulder and turned to look at me. Instantly, I knew they were making fun of me and humiliation took over. I quickly turned around and looked up at the sky to keep my tears from spilling over my face. As I muttered Sorry to my friends, I stumbled out of line and ran to the nearest corner before sobbing unstoppably. Even at the Happiest Place on Earth misery had found me.
I remember crying so much that day, not only because of the boys but because I was angry. I was angry at myself for letting something so trivial get to me and for letting my disease take control of my life instead of me controlling my disease. I had let friends part themselves from me, grades slip and even lost all confidence in myself and my abilities. Soon after, my anger turned into determination and I promised to restore my life. Now, looking back I am thankful that I had made that decision because otherwise, I would not be the same accomplished individual I am today.”
<p>You write simply, and infomally like I do(a good skill). Your writing style is great, and your story is great up till 3/4 ways. Then you kinda end on a sadder note.......though u have an optimistic sentence at the end, i dont think it is suffecient enough. Make your last pargraph less focused on the anger of that sad experience and more on how you dominated and suceeded(you talked about the troubles in the main essay body.....but you should end with a less "sad" note...and focus on your strength of character)</p>
<p>Nice writing style, great essay.......just focus less on the "sadness" and more of the "triumph"(VERY readable and personal)</p>
<p>It clearly says on the UC app that they're not interested in hardships themselves but how you overcame them. Your whole essay is a discussion about your hardship but in no way do you talk about what steps you took to overcome it. This is exactly what they don't want and what they give no points for.</p>
<p>I was relieved to find that in this sentence "Soon after, my anger turned into determination and I promised to restore my life" you were going to start talking about the steps you took to overcome the hardship but you don't because the next sentence is the last.</p>
<p>I honestly think you have to cut out half the filler stuff you have in there and write about your efforts to fight all the obstacles otherwise, like my counselor said, UC's aren't going to take your hardship with any gravity.</p>
<p>But, then the submission deadline is in two days so I don't know what you can do. Good luck.</p>
<p>The submission deadline might be on tues, but by mon online will b PACKED. like the october College board site crashing. SO GET IT IN!!! And mailing in guys, make sure its postmarked by the 30th. u can mail in cuz im ELC and they sent me a paper app ( i used online).</p>
<p>also... this isn't just some mushy crap i made up so that people can feel sorry for me. not many people have to go through what i have to go through and i believe it states for the prompt " this question seeks to give students the opportunity to share important aspects of their lives, such as PERSONAL CIRCUMSTANCES" am i not correct?</p>
<p>Hey hon don't stress the essay. I've asked a lot of my friends who have been through the transfer process already and they've all told me that the UC's really don't want to read about you whining about problems but that they'd really like to read about you overcoming the challenges in your life. They want to read about you growing emotionally as a person and learning from your experiences. For my essay I wrote about my dad's death leading to my drug addiction for the first paragraph and the rest of the essay I wrote about going back to school and struggling to stay clean and holding down a job. You have to think about it this way. They are receiving thousands of essays and you need to write one that is going to make you sound like a better person than the essay they read right before yours. You need to stand out and make yourself shine. Anyhow, goodluck!</p>