<p>Im applying to the UCs of Fall 2014 and Im on the personal statement section. I just want any feedback or tips on improvement. These are my first drafts.</p>
<p>Prompt 1-</p>
<p>When I was a freshman in high school, whenever someone were to ask me how’d I get a gigantic scar on my knee, I would just say, ‘I fell.’ The real reason was because of an accident that occurred during pre-registration for high school. Unlike many other students, I wasn’t nervous at all going into high school, in fact, I was really excited. Sadly, that excitement got the better of me and as I was running to the pre-registration line, I fell. My mom tried helping me up, but I couldn’t apply pressure onto my leg because it would hurt so much. And of course, the worst possible scenario, the principal of the school calls 911, and little did I know, in about thirty minutes or so, I went from running excitedly to the pre-registration line to laying down in hospital bed with a splint around my leg.</p>
<pre><code>When I was in my hospital bed, I was just thinking to myself, ‘Wow, I’m gonna miss my first days of high school,’ but I could tell my mom was more worried about my leg than me going into school.. I stayed in my hospital bed for about a whole month until I received surgery. I couldn’t recall much of what happened throughout the month because it was all such a blur to me. All I remember was all the wires that had to be connected to me and the beeping sound the heart monitor makes. The one thing that I can vividly remember was the comfort the nurses and doctors gave to me throughout this whole entire process.
The whole time I was in a hospitable bed, all my thoughts about missing school were gone and all I thought about was that it was not only me who is in a hospital bed. I’ve only had a taste of what it feels like to be a long term patient as a hospital. There other people who have to stay at a hospital for the rest of their lives, and they had no choice or voice in the matter. This inspired me to become a doctor, and help those patients who have it way harder than me, and give comfort to them the way doctors and nurses comforted me. Now, whenever someone would ask how’d I get a gigantic scar on my knee, I would say that it doesn’t matter how I got it. What matters is how getting this injury has given me the dream of becoming an orthopedic surgeon so I can help dim-witted, zealous people like me get on their feet so they can follow their dreams as well.
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<p>Prompt 2-</p>
<p>Here I am, standing in front of my opponent. I see the crowd yelling and flailing their arms, but I can only hear the sound of my heart beating and feel drops of sweat running down my face. Suddenly, all of my senses become clear, and I can hear the overwhelming noise of the crowd as the excitement for the battle increases. The music starts and it was then, I realized, I was in a dance battle.</p>
<p>At the start of my freshman year, I was very shy. I wanted to make friends, at least a few I can trust and rely on, but I was just too shy to approach others. I was that one student in the back of the class alone doing work and the only friendships I had were with my teachers. In my junior year, I expected the same thing to happen in my freshman year, but it was completely different. Another student approached me and asked if I wanted to join the breakdance club at my school. I was laughing inside as I was asked this because I couldn’t dance at all, but he persuaded me any way. I got hooked into breakdancing and before I knew it, it went from a hobby into a passion. Dancing allowed me to express myself in a way I wasn’t able to when I was in my freshman year. On top of all the weight I lost through dancing, I was a able to gain self-esteem and confidence through dance. </p>
<p>As I began to mature, I was able to fully witness my complete transformation. It went from me not having any friends to me being around friends who support me as much as I support them, and my expectations turned into reality. Now, I have enough confidence to dance in front of a crowd of people, and it was all because I was able to break out my shell, and be the person I am aspired to be.</p>