Please constructively criticize this essay.

<p>Hello my friends! I received my first SAT score last week and noticed how my essay score (9) should/could improve when I go to war with the SAT in March. Thus, I've been composing essays on the past SAT prompts in the most SAT-like ambience. I hope you can score the essay out of 12 and point out places to do better on. Tips and advice are immensely appreciated. Thank you for your time in advance!</p>

<p>Is it more valuable for people to be unique and different?</p>

<pre><code> Individuality can substantially result in more valuable progress and consequences for the people than for the people without it. Moreover, historical figures such as Albert Einstein, Galileo Galilei, and Rosa Parks evidently reflect the significance of individuality.

As portrayed by Einstein’s life and mentality towards science, Einstein’s success and crucial contribution to the science field is due to his unique style of thinking. When Einstein was attending elementary school, he was rejected because of his different methods of thinking and various perspectives towards the teacher’s lessons. Ever since, Einstein endured his individuality and took advantage of is in the professional level. Furthermore, he established numerous theories such as time relativity and the big bang theory, which intrigued other professionals and the science community. Therefore, the success and contribution from Einstein proves that being unique and different is more valuable.

Additionally, Galileo was indubitably unconventional for his time period; even when his theories were accurate. The church and the society during Galileo’s time asserted that the Earth is the center of the universe and that the sun revolves around the Earth. However, Galileo wholeheartedly believed and argued that the Earth revolved around the sun. Despite the abnegating ambience towards Galileo’s notion, he was adamantly unique and stood up for his belief. Obviously, Galileo was correct regarding the Earth and the sun. Hence, Galileo’s individuality and his absence of fear in expressing it eventually sparked the humanity’s notion regarding the relationship between the sun and the Earth.

Last but not least, Rosa Park’s strong sense of individuality and striving towards her belief was not only valuable to her, but to the entire black community during the 1950s. Discrimination and segregation of race was a detrimental problem in the United States during the 1950s. Fortunately, Rosa Park was different and went against segregation with action in spite of the general public’s being too afraid of refuting. She was eventually fined, but the people and the community were inspired by her individuality of having the courage to pursue her belief—even by sacrificing herself. Thus, Rosa Park’s unique way of advocating her belief was significantly valuable to the United States.

In conclusion, after scrutinizing Albert Einstein, Galileo Galilei, Rosa Park, and their achievements, individuality is ,indeed, more valuable to the people. Without individuality, the world would have had no progress.
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<p>Unfortunately your essay post attracted an advertiser (“TstPrpAuthority”).</p>

<p>Your essay is okay, and it is likely to get you an 8-9 grade. Why not higher? Mostly I think because your examples lack depth. You restate claims of “difference” multiple times, but these claims are supported only very weakly with facts. The sprinkling of advanced vocabulary doesn’t really work. In several cases the usage is incorrect (“mentality toward life”, “various perspectives”, etc.) and your writing has a formal air that doesn’t read well. For example, your second paragraph starts with a clause (“As portrayed by Einstein’s life and mentality towards science”) that is unnecessary. The essay reads better without it. </p>

<p>I encourage you to refine this specific essay before you move on to another. Start by doing a bit of research regarding the people you use as examples. Especially focus on hard facts regarding their uniqueness and difference. Then carefully build your essay without time limits. See if a teacher can help you with the revision and the review. Your goal in this proposed exercise is to write a great essay.</p>

<p>@fogcity: Thank you for the honest response regarding the essay. I was surprised how you accurately predicted an 8-9 grade, because I received a 9 on my first January SAT. My number one goal for the next SAT (maybe March?) is to at least receive a 10 on the essay. I strongly agree with your criticism regarding the lack of depth in my examples. However, I am worried that the body paragraphs will be unbalanced if I invest too much time in one example-- or worse, what if I just don’t have the adequate information to develop an in-depth example? I have been preparing examples and details for every released essay prompt, so I will be somewhat prepared in the future. As of now, I definitely will research for cogent facts and refine this specific essay.</p>

<p>bumpity bump</p>