Can you help me with this essay?

<p>I took the SAT in June and got an 8 on this essay. Can you please give me some sort of advice on what i should have done differently or any other suggestions so that I can get a 10-12 in October?</p>

<p>THE PROMPT:
A society composed of men and women who are not bound by convention--in other words, who do not act according to what others say or do--is far more lively than one in which all people behave alike. When each person's character is developed individually and differences of opinion are acceptable, it is beneficial to interact with new people because they are not mere replicas of those whom one has already met. Adapted from Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness </p>

<p>THE ASSIGNMENT:
Is it better for a society when people act as individuals rather than copying the ideas and opinions of others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>THE ESSAY:
"Be yourself!" This is the simple message that society has infused into our minds since the days of nap-time and show-and-tell. The truly great people in human history have all taken their own stances and freed themselves from the confinements of the "norm". It is much better that society be full for independent individuals rather than be full of mindless zombies.</p>

<p>When Galileo first proclaimed that the planets revolved around the sun rather than the commonly held notion that the universe revolved around the Earth, he was taking a step towards individuality. In retrospect, it may seem like an easy proclamation to make, but facing the Inquisition and possible explusion from the Church is a daunting task. Today, society believes Galileo was correct and has learned a great truth about the world because of his individuality.</p>

<p>Another great pioneer of individuality was Rosa Parks. The commonly held belief of the time suggested that blacks were inferior to their white counterparts. It also meant that blacks were forced to make room for whites in buses and in restaurants. Rosa Parks, however, believed in equality for all. She stayed in her bus seat and faced the criminal charges like a true hero. Because of Rosa Parks, minorities today are all treated like equals.</p>

<p>Great individual thinkers, such as Rosa Parks and Galileo, have made society into a better place. Individuality has, and will continue to, mold society into a better place. It is now your turn to "be yourself". Your individuality will make the world a better place.</p>

<p>Thank you very much for your time!</p>

<p>
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When Galileo first proclaimed that the planets revolved around the sun rather than the commonly held notion that the universe revolved around the Earth

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</p>

<p>Wrong guy, that was Copernicus. Galileo just proved his theory true.</p>

<p>
[quote]
but facing the Inquisition and possible explusion from the Church is a daunting task.

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</p>

<p>It's no longer a daunting task. You mean to say that it WAS a daunting task when he did it. Use the past tense. </p>

<p>This example doesn't seem very convincing to me; it sounds more like you're saying we should be iconoclastic, not individualistic or original.</p>

<p>Your second example is TOO short. And once again, it's like you're telling us to be a maverick. </p>

<p>
[quote]
It is now your turn to "be yourself". Your individuality will make the world a better place.

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</p>

<p>Remember that the readers who are grading your essay are all college or high school teachers, probably in their 30's or 40's. You can't tell them 'It is now your turn to "be yourself"' ... that just sounds ... odd. It sounds like you're assuming that the reader is imitative and unoriginal.</p>

<p>Overall methinks, your essay needs more persuasive examples.</p>

<p>I agree with uttaresh ^^</p>

<p>Overall, it's not bad~</p>

<p>Try writing more? I'm not saying that you should be verbose, but generally, if you write a bit more, it'll look as if you put a bit more effort into thoroughly exploring the topic =D</p>

<p>Personally I think your examples have potential however you weren't able to develop your ideas far enough. Your writing remains quite simplistic and you don't really show much depth in thought. Overall I think this would deserve a 8.</p>

<p>bump bump bump</p>