Please criticize my essay ^^ ! ★

<p>Hello there : D
I tried to write an essay today under the 25 minute time limit, but I failed. I kept on writing it though, did some research on the internet, and only finished it in about an hour.
Please tell me if I used bad/irrelevant examples, or if maybe I used too many transitions (Honestly, I also feel like I go off topic in some sentences too...)
If anything in general is out of touch, then please tell me.
Also, I would of offered criticism to someone else's essay too, but I don't feel that I'm good at writing one myself yet, so...yeah. I don't think I'm ready to do that yet.</p>

<p>Anyways, here it is. </p>

<p>Assignment : Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way?</p>

<p>If we're restricted by other's convictions and limits to the ways that we can accomplish our goals, then we will never attain true success. I believe this to be a universal and general truth, for it can be clearly exemplified in innumerable ways, such as in the Beatles, who gained fame by doing it their own way, or in the great Honore de Balzac, who stayed obstinate to his aspirations, and hence became one of the founders of realism in European literature. An experience in my own life has also portrayed this to be true to me.</p>

<p>First of all, The Beatles, an English rock band from Liverpool, achieved their success and fame by not listening to others and taking their own road in music. Consequently, Bealtemania spread throughout the world, which made them an international hit. Then in April 4, 1964, they made history by monopolizing the chart's top five positions in the Billboard Hot 100. Later on they even made a movie, called "A Hard Day's Night", which perfectly portrays just how much success and popularity they attained.</p>

<p>Likewise, Honore de Balzac, a great French playwright and novelist of the 19th century, attained perpetual triumph by doing things his way, and not the way others pressured him to. Most of his life he was condemned by his family for becoming a novelist and was regarded as a failure. Moreover, he dealt with horrible financial debt, which haunted him to his death. But, notwithstanding all that, he was still determined to become a legend and make his very own masterpiece, which he did with his magnum opus "The Human Comedy", which is the perfect portrayal of his hardships, and what they have taught him. In all, it can be said that he truly gained what he sought, and all by taking an independent approach.</p>

<p>Futhermore, personal experience has also taught me that only by doing something in one's own way can true accomplishment be achieved. This I learned when I had to prepare for the sports competition in my neighborhood. My peers urged me to prepare in the ways they thought to be the best and the most productive, and I abided. But, after having yielded unsatisfactory results, I came to understand that methods of preparation should be chosen mainly based on one's own individual and subjective qualities. In result, I took an independent approach to my training, which was much more efficacious, and won the competition. </p>

<p>Indeed the best way to reach success is primarily by one's own subjective and individual ways. Perhaps in the future society will better understand this truth, and will give more freedom for others to act on their free will.</p>

<p>I don’t know what’s the point of grading it if you tool an hour and looked up what to write. But your cheating aside, this looks like a 5/6. I think if at the end of each body paragraph analyzed your example and related it to the thesis a bit more, it could be a 6/6.</p>

<p>Paragraph 1:
What’s true success? If you just mean success, then there’s plenty of examples where people did stuff according to the guidance and advice of others and succeeded. Perhaps more so than people who just “did it their own way.” “Never” is an extreme word; use it sparingly.
“universal and general truth” => “universal truth”. blatant redundancy
Cut down on “I believe this…” just say “this”. More powerful. Last sentence sounds awkward.</p>

<p>Paragraph 2:
TOO MUCH FILLER. You devote 1 sentence to how the Beatles took their own road in music, then spend the rest of the paragraph describing their achievements which are completely irrelevant to the subject at hand. WE KNOW that the Beatles became really famous, so you really only need 1 sentence to tell us that. Instead tell us about how the Beatles defied convention and HOW doing it their own way led to success.</p>

<p>Paragraph 3:
Pretty good overall. Financial debt has nothing to do with an independent approach. Cut it out.</p>

<p>Paragraph 4:
Sounds superficial. I doubt this actually happened, but it doesn’t sound as fake as most I’ve seen. Also more details. Which sport again? Why were the results unsatisfactory? DETAILS DETAILS DETAILS, but only details that are relevant (i.e. not to the filler extent of paragraph 2). “In result” => “as a result”</p>

<p>Paragraph 5:
Lack of content. Normally I would excuse this for lack of time, but then you said you spent an hour on it, so nvm that. If you have time, restate your examples.</p>

<p>OVERALL:
GREAT for a first try. That said, there are plenty of places where this can be improved. 8-9/12. I might be sorta harsh here though, idk</p>

<p>@xthrillakillax
Well, maybe there isn’t as much meaning to it, but I feel like I can improve nonetheless if someone were to point out the flaws in this essay.
Wow, 5/6? I wonder if I should be satisfied with that haha (Though of course I should aim for a 6)
Alright! I’ll try to do that next time. Thank you!</p>

<p>@Kyrix1</p>

<p>Wow! I’m happy that you provided criticism on each paragraph that I wrote. Thank you very much!
Perhaps there is an abundance of such examples, but I always have a hard time remembering them, as do most people I think.
Anyways, I don’t find what you wrote to be harsh. On the contrary, it’s very helpful.</p>

<p>(Paragraph 1)
Alright, I will use less definite words such as “never”. I think though I just used it because I read somewhere that you have to be very clear and concise in your writing, that it’ll make it more powerful.
Hmm…I truly should be more careful of redundancy…</p>

<p>(Paragraph 2)
haha)) Now that I look at it, I truly do! I just tried my best to provide SOME kind of details, but in the end I went off track and wrote a bunch of filler (it’s very tempting to do so : ) )</p>

<p>(Paragraph 3)
I thought the financial debt part to be a good detail to the paragraph, but once again, I guess it is irrelevant. </p>

<p>(Paragraph 4)
It sounds superficial because I’m horrible at making up false examples : )
Alright! I’ll make sure to write those kind of details in my next practice essay.</p>

<p>(Paragraph 5)
Ah! And I forgot to restate the examples…
I have read that one should restate the main thesis of the essay and then summarize the examples…but somehow I forgot, how strange.</p>